madness

My toe isn't getting any better. it was supposed've to be healed in 6 weeks. adag;iahgggehh... all I want to do is dance so that there's some comfort in the massive amounts of work I have to do. but no, i can't even do a basic rumba walk. or a lock in quickstep because of it. it's so enfuriating, makes me want to cry out of frustration.

today I realised, I have two midterms on the same day (for spanish and english), two essays due on the same day (for spanish and english) and two Finals on the same day.. for what? oh that's right, you guessed it, Spanish and English. I just want to do wellllll in both classes

Emily Dickinson is pretty interesting... never liked her before... but in some ways she's mind blowing and in others, she's still this ordinary recluse, who may have had an easy time thinking outside her shack.

someone's playing pretty good music outside (CCR earlier and now janis Joplin), I think it's down at Kips, maybe just a homeless person with a boom box. (do they call them boom boxes anymore?)

I'm going to go to office hours this semester, and I'm going to write. early reminder: NaNo WriMo is November... got your novel/screenplay ideas rolling? (I don't)

Yesterday I went to an amazing lecture by Michael Watts... sadly, it's nigh impossible i'll get into his class. so I'm sticking with the latin america. the sheer amounts of crap I have to do daily is slowly catching up (I slept a good Twenty Eight hours on sunday), but I'll beat it. With awesome friends like Eric to take me away i sure will.

on a side note, I hope i get into the swing cal.

Okay to do list for tomorrow:

- staple gun/fliers to Sarah
- class
- Contract signing with the Works
- Robert at 3:40
- Sports club meeting at 7
- Make it to rookie DS before it ends
- Give staple gun to Michelle after DS
- Get staple gun from Abhishek
- LAUNDRY
- Read rest of Emily carefully
- Office hours for Chuck (mandatory)
- Matute cuento + example intro paragraph
- Skype Meeting at 10:45

The sad thing I realise, is the only way I'll get to see people is to schedule them in (like robert here).

I have massive mosquito (or something) bites, including one on my face. they itch.

should I do dishes? or sleep?

so it begins.

This thing has become more and more decrepit as time goes on. I should probably just stop blogging all together, just like everyone else, considering, Rabah... and maybe Eric are the only ones who read this anymore. but just because it doesn't have content doesn't mean that it doesn't still have myself enmeshed into it. I guess it's a little piece of Jessica if anyone ever wants some. Maybe that's why I miss reading people's blogs. it's the fast and easy way to keep in touch, or feel like you're still in touch (even if you're not). It's kinda shady. makes me feel like a voyeur, but not in regards to sex, but in regard to other people's lives. I think that might be worse. more personal depending how much they encrypt and how much is blatant.

I'm back into a Neil Gaiman fix. read/watched Stardust, i think it's one adaptation I don't mind, even if the CG was a bit... CG-esque, but I suppose it's that sort of fantasy. They did a good job of turning the book into something movie-able. Finishing Anansi Boys, and then going to quickly read golden compass before I have to start reading the Shakes, or something else for epanish or 45c. Espero que esta chica "Mayra" es tan chida como Dan, o por lo menos como Mary.

Dance party yesterday, need some new moves. learned that "hyphy" was dead. Saw Church kids today, that really made me feel like school was starting.

gonna go back to reading.. as if I won't be doing that for the next 15 weeks...

Summer's over in three days.

I finally have a pair of sunglasses that pass the cheek test! took me long enough. damn my super pudgy cheeks and my infant like lack of a bridge on my nose... but i like them. a lot.. birfday present from Jen, who gave me a gift card.

Final tomorrow. I think ill do okay. hopefully really well, so I can get an A- in the class.

someone is playing blues outside my window... it's not bad, kinda makes me want to go to Friday Night Blues in SF... but I don't have the time, or the money for that. I want to try and get some of my church friends to learn how to lindy or something, it would be fun to go to a club in a big group.

I saw a girl today wearing a Darfur shirt like it's a brand name... i can't decide whether that disgusts me or not.. i think part of me hates it and is repulsed by it, and the other part of me thinks that making human rights causes into fashion statements sells whatever it is you're selling to raise money, and therefore, you get more money for the cause? I don't know.

I say por eso a lot when I speak in Spanish... maybe I shouldn't... becuase it's not direct cause and effect statements and such. I dunno.

I raise my glass to the last days of summer... and Yang coming tomorrow!

Deathly Hallows, Brownies, Ballroom

Harry Potter is interesting. I've noticed for the last three books, that I enjoy them after I've let them marinate a while. initially, it's entertaining, and just that. but later, it's nice to see I can appreciate them on a level that's at least somewhat deeper than that. 7... I'm not sure yet, i think I have to read it another couple of times before I can really say whether I dislike it or like it. I don't think I hate it.. but it isn't my favorite either. she's stepping away from black and white, but then again.. she's becoming more hollywood with Snape, and Hermione and Ron.... I won't say more until later.

Been making batches of brownies with David and tweaking the Alton Brown recipe to make it better. apparently they're better cold.. but they're always gone before it gets there. another batch tomorrow.

I wish there were more time to read.

should I be a Spanish minor?

I HAVE INTERNET!!!!!!

yayyy... I need to pull a Ben though and tape all my wires so they're not right infront of my door... and get like ten jagillion surge protectors. how many things can you plug into one plug thingy safely? I don't know. but I think i'm going to find out soon.

I used to like shopping. Slightly dissapointed in Safeway... but the Berkeley Bowl... yayyy... its like...producegasm. I bought something called a Mango Nectarine.... it was super expensive.. but I had to try it. I didn't believe my mom when she said food was expensive.. uy. I know why she's said that. I blame it on the produce.

I shoudl be at practice. but I'll start going this up coming week once things get settled in.

Back In Berkeley

I can see Sausalito and the Golden Gate Bridge from my apartment. I like to eat dinner on my floor (becuase I don't have chairs)with my door sized windows open watching the sun set. my apartment is way cool.. and seems... bigger when all my stuff is in it.. wierd huh? like when it's empty and just feet of carpet, you don't really get the sense that all your stuff (and Rubals) can fit into that measly 480 square feet.. but it's so worth it. I'm just glad they don't make you pay more for the view.

I've decided to stop using plastic bags, and carry/fill my own cloth totes. usually the cashiers give you strange looks, but it's nice- like I'm sure that my bag won't rip and send everything falling through.

I have no shelving, no drawers, but I do have a really awesome kitchen space. small.. but awesome... partly becuase of mom... partly because of Eric...

Hopefully, once I start dancing again, all this work for Ballroom will start to pa off, and I'll enjoy it again.

I need internet. yesterday I got lucky and somehow accessed Airbears (school network) from my bed. not so lucky today. so I'm sitting infront of our (locked) library... kinda sketchy... but it'll do.

I love this place.. but I miss colorado's people. :(

so much stuffffff to dooooooo

Ugh. so I come back from Chicago and suddenly a gajillion (and that's a lot) of things start popping up that I have to do. People to call, places to go, things to pack, emails to write...

it seems like we're not much closer to getting social class space than we were three weeks ago. it's so frustrating.

I need another day. I should have bought my books for the summer before I went to Chi-town. how stupid of you Jessica.

I wish I were in Argentina.

"Flew over Alaska... "

not really.. just the good ol' Midwest.

Leaving tomorrow, gonna be back on sunday. I said I'd see a lot of people again.. which is goign to be crazy.

I should be buying my books already for class, huh.

okayyy focus on packing.. why does my room always look like a hurricane's blown through it post-packing?

'nother short post.

I'm really thirsty.

my jaw is infected... sexy eh?

I'm back on antibiotics, couldn't eat yesterday, played ultimate today- almost died for lack of breath.... i don't know whether that's two weeks of doing nothing but sit on my ass, or whether that's because my body's stressed out from infecction.

I have this habit of stretching out words when I type them. is it annoying?

short post.

I feel gross.

drink up me hearties

I've had a full week. I love being home. but as always I feel a pull between spending time with my parents... even if we're just in the house together. and going out with friends... which always happens to cost money (which I'm trying to save) so... yeah. also have to keep track of when everyone's leaving and see them before they do.

Life is pretty good right now. I saw Pirates yesterday and bakes cookies with Kaitlin... thought it was pretty good except for the giant Tiadalma... and I totally called a whole bunch of plot devices throughout the series. hung out with Sharla and Cindy in Boulder, Red Robin and B&N with Joyce (where I proceeded to buy a book [Amazing adventures of Kavelier and Clay] she had been recommended.. got to talk to Eric, starbucks with Rabah, ultimate...

I like home because everything is safe, and how it used to be. maybe it's that I don't really meet new people here.. or I don't really have to see people I dont' want to see... but it's nice. v. different from Berkeley- where I don't know (most) people. it'll change. Can you have two homes? Berkeley feels like home, it feels permanent. but Denver feels familiar. like I can navigate it with my eyes half shut and be fine. Like the skies should always look this big and different all the time. and the mountains should always be visible and recognizable.

I want to see Wicked...

So my top teeth are fine.. but my lower jaw is still swollen and funky.. and i feel like I can't close my mouth, because i'lll bite into my cheeks or sometime... and my mouth feels really small.. and immobile. I want to eat crunchy things.

I'm getting out of this house tommorrow, for sure. Alison's graduation party, possibly some disc. and then church and possibly Boulder on Sunday. I just have to get my parents to stop worrying.

I'm coming to realise that I probably shouldn't start working the day after I get back to Berkeley, and I should give myself time to set up things like internet and electricity and stuff... ehh.... no. I like working. Makes me feel like i'm doing something useful, even though I'm not quite sure I'm doing things right.

Being stuck at home makes me realise how boring I am. I sit on my computer, or I watch movies or cartoons or something.. and I still want to eat crunchy things.

I've been rereading American Gods- I don't know why but I think it's the one-liners that always get me, whether it's in a song, book or movie, It's those little glimpses of wit and insight that get me... then of course there are always the ones that try but never quite get there. But Neil Gaiman always manages to.

Wicked in Denver's sold out, but hoepfully, oneday it'll get to SF, and I can go see it there.. and maybe Rent one more time, and maybe phantom too. i could go on.

I want to drive and drive and not go anywhere.

Okay my lists are getting a little bit ridiculous.. i know.

Buttt.... one more. Things to do before I leave CO

1. POTC with Kaitlin
2. Wisdom teef
3. Ultimate?
4. Tea and Crumpets?
5. CHipotle (old one of course)
6. Starbucks with Rabsies
7. see "the group" (sorta)
8. See joe, Yang, Lauren, Anandi, Ildae, Alison... and other who don't fit into "the group"
9. golf with the pops
10. golf with the foote? / wills? /ady?
11. noodles with Kaile
12. swing dancing?

sounds good so far. I may have wasted a day by slouching around the house.. which i get to do for the next week or so when I'm drugged up and will have cabin fever.. one because i don't want people seeing me with chipmunk cheeks.. and two because my mom probably won't let me leave the house.

Then it's back to craziness.

I should probably start forwarding email all into one box... but what's the fun in that?

Home is good so far. My calves are huge (and getting bigger) and I am no where near the flexibility i should be... but that's what watching TV is for- stretching and doing rise/fall exercises. I'm a dork.

I want to see people. I have from the 28th to the 14th. ready... go!

list of joys

it's a little over six months... i said i'd be better about making that deadline. the last one is here
the one before is here
and the first is here

1. late night conversations
2. giving head massages
3. meeting people randomly on the street
4. reverse turns in Samba (done correctly)
5. sriracha
6. inside jokes
7. gchat with rabah
8. cards that really mean it
9. laughter
10. the word "beautiful"
11. thoughts on the concepts of "home" and "love"

this one seems a lot more abstract, or action based, rather than thing based like my last ones.

but that's that.. for now. November 2007 for the rest.

Alex called me an emo kid for having a blog.

so I'm super done and checked out.

which means it's time to start packing.. signing leases... and as Ian says pimping some bitches

there better be tea and crumpet action when I get home- even if everyone has jobs.

I almost slept through my final today.. but it's over with and i never have to read any of this crap again. and I can move onto awesome stuff like Don Quixote, Marquez, Wallace, and other contemporaries... maybe I SHOULD concentrate in spanish lit? would make things easier

I get to eat in sf with Dan (my spanish GSI) que dreamy. jk... my whole class is getting taken out to "lo mejor taqueria en San francisco" it'll be grand. Jaime says that my spanish got a lot better... here's to not forgetting it in a month.

I'm again in a list-y mood. so for the summer- all thing things I never fully got around to:
1. Infinite Jest
2. God of small things
3. Cien Años de soledad
4. McSweeneys Literary Review
5. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
6. Transmetropolitan
7. Through the Looking Glass

to start.

i think i'll read some transmet now.

Lists, it always comes back to Lists.

1. English paper rough draft
2. English paper final draft
3. Namesake
4. other linguistic articles
4+. Lost in Translation (eva hoffman)
5. interview transcriptions
6. Linguistics paper planning
7. Linguistics paper first draft
8. Linguistics paper final draft
9. HOUSING (app in)
10. furniture?
11. Storage (thank you eric)
12. Decal faculty sponsor
13. Language War
14. Finish the following:
- BF's Auto
- Epistle to Arbuthnot
- Browning Poems
- Great Expectations
15. mail program
16. Linguistics Review (wed or Fri)


hahh... seems like I'm taking up unecessary space with 3-7 becuase ultimately they're for the paper.. but being able to cross things off makes me feel like I'm getting things doen (plus its all time consuming)

after this next monday, I have to finish all my half read books of the semester. But linguistics paper first.

edit: a gagillion down.. one to go

I seem to be pretty complacent in my last post

can I say now that I'm not? and it's stressing me out a LOT?

housing?
ballroom?
grades?


oishkies. atleast my job is out of the way.

I just want pattern. and good people. seems like at the same time every year I get annoyed.. there's no good word in englihs for it it's just.. too 답답헤 I don't know.

okay jessica. english paper first. then linguistics.

and then life. and hope rubal's doing something with hers.

I have a problem with prioritizing. I tell myself what I should be focusing on most. but I don't seem to want to do it in that order. time to preorder Harry Potter.

I want some away time- I think the reason I like spending time with Eric, is that he's separated from everything bringing me stress. oishkies.

can I sleep forever? maybe things'll be better when monday's over. too long. too long.

but somethings that's been solved, I now work for the sponsored projects office. nice.

pending

I think I might have a job (maybe) otherwise I've been sending out me sadly lacking resumes for office assitant positions across campus. hopefully, hopefully this comes through. but it's really hard to get a job i think when i'll be gone for a month at the beginning of semester.

Hopefully I'll be able to work full time for the summer. that would seriously make my day- if i'm making my own money. I hope in the future, I'll be able to at least help my parents out by paying for utilities in my apartment (which i'm still waiting on) and by paying for vacations, extra stuff and ballroom myself. as soon as I find out how often I can work and how much i'm going to be paid, I'm going to sit down and start saving as soon as the money comes in. I know how fast it can be spent unless I make a concious effort not to.

so. otherwise... the Berkeley Classic is on saturday, boat dance is today and lindy at night is on friday. so lots of dancing this weekend :)... and a lot of work too.

I'm scared for our DeCal, I hope it goes through, I hope we can get a faculty sponsor, and I hope that I get workstudy (and thus dont' have to pay taxes :))

I'm not ready for the competition. but I'm glad things are slowing down extera curricularly for the rest of the semester so I can focus on writing these papers... which... i need to focus on writing these papers.

i wish it came easy to me... but then, doesn't everybody?

things jessica needs to do- get some cardio, build up her ankle strength, as well as her arches, DO HER FREAKING PAPERS, decal, housing, job...

looks like a lot of things are in flux.

EDIT: I have a JOB interview!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) : ):) :):):) okay that's enough.

I want to be able to pop and lock.

I just watched the movement showcase. and well.. yeah.. hip hop is so different from ballroom.. but it's legit in its own right.

I haven't updated in a long time. but... you know.. so it goes.

Recently I watched a movie 'Brick' with Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Noir goodness, with lines lifted straight from Hammett... and.. and... It's gotten into my top five movies.

There's a part in it where he says "you're the only thing I love" and just the concept of that. not even only person. being the sole vessel for the love of one human... who knows whether it was true or not for the character, but... just that thought. Do I want that? hardly... it's too intense for me. but still... some part of me wants it. but alas, such is the power of the movies.

I've the room to myself for the weekend. feels like March again.

Once again I'm updating at a time when I have none (time that is)

my essay has turned into a weird mutated form of a five paragraph essay (growing three feet and a wing) and its pissing me off. I doubt my spanish essay will be much better.

My problem is.. when i fall asleep- i stay asleep.

it feels earlier than it is. a lot earlier- maybe becuase it's still bright outside- and yet it's 7 o clock. Rubal's asleep and my leg is also falling asleep becuase i never use my chair anymore. I want to SEE people i haven't seen other than a passing 'hi' or a 'we'll see eachother later' it's been two or three weeks. but no- i have to get through this weekend first.

hopefully I'll be able to hold it together tonight.

Damn the ballroom comp this weekend.

i'm on a Guster kick

my last night in town and I spend it writing an essay- i can say I have a (i hope) pretty damn good intro paragraph- now i just have to make the rest of my essay as good. I got a lot less work done than I wanted.. but i suppose So it goes.

I like inside jokes.. or at least people who understand you when you reference really obscure things... means you've shared something.

I made dinner with Kaitlin yesterday for ourselves and her parents- they said they had never liked falafels before :) glad we coudl spread the love.- I want to COOK always.. and have the time to make ridiculous gormet meals and feed people.

I saw lots of friends who could be considered "good people" as Kaile woudl say... though I didn't see as many as I could have, but So it goes.

I think my head's on straighter than it has been in a long time. maybe not as straight as i'd still like it to be (i've still got some kinks to work out) but... i think spring break worked out- as much work as there was, I had enough time to relax a little.

I shoudl be collecting my things that i leave across the house... I started saying that Berkeley is home.. and that I'm just coming back to colorado. I think I grew out of this hom faster than my sisters did. maybe that's what it is to be youngest- you get left so often you leave quickly yourself.

I need a deep breath before April starts.

::Deep Breath::

I don't Blog when I'm really enjoying life.

Last week was awesome. It went by too fast though. rabah and I did a lot, but still there's more- planet juice, asia SF, the brazilian stand, cordornices park, etc. you other people should come down to the WEST COAST and hang out. we need love too.
I saw Stanford for the first time in about four years. I think palo alto would be a cool place to hang out, or to discover, but Im glad I didn't get accepted there - I dont' think i would ave been as happy withthe people or with the envoronment as I am at Berkeley. It's funny, thinking of all the schools I've visited and not really feeling like I would be good there. There are some schools like Columbia where I can see that other side, where life would be different but jsut as good, but at the same time... I like Berkeley. I like it a lot. It's a good balance of city, people and school.
So I'm at home. I'm going to need to work really hard. (hence I'm on the internet righ tnow wasting time) hahhh as always. it'll be interesting trying to write a paper from home. It seems so long ago. but that's the plan. English paper, Linguistics interviews, MCB studying, possibly a little bit of spanish studying as well. but mostly the first two.
More recently people have been telling me I act older. I've never been told that I act like how my age tells me I should act- it's always older or younger, but never spot on. I wonder about that. I only have about 20 days left of 18.. (not that that changes much) but.. I don't know. it was such a rush getting to this point- of 18 years of age. but It's not really anything.

what to do on my birthday? hmm...

April's going to be an interesting month- I have to look for housing, a job (oishkies), finish school strong and hope to god that my schedule works out for next year... it's like.. I HAVE to get these specific classes, or else my enitre schedule is messed up.

hopefully my life will seem less in transition after april.. and I have a place to live for the summer. I never did lik ethe mmonth of april- it seems so long in terms of things that need to get done in that short amount of time.

This break I'm hoping to see old friends, and get some good ol work done.

I like snow patrol... and andrew bird.

I think i've stagnated.

I think i've been quite obsessed with Neil Gaiman and JD Salinger for... atleast all of highschool. and I think to myself- what does that mean? maybe, I'm just not that intrepid at experimenting with literature, or maybe that just means that I've found my loves and well... that's what its going to be.

Eric and I were thinking of teaching a DeCal- but yeah... which? or what?

I miss Joyce. She always made me want to be more creative. and I think she did.

I'm ready for this next weekend to come. It's going to be glorious.

Five days to an early holiday

Peach-o's are delicious

I want to get really good at spanish. I don't know why. there are plenty of people who are fluent in both languages, and I'll probably never get fluent fluent. but i guess it's one of those things i really want to do.

i'm having a hard time focusing on Wuthering Heights. I have to say it's better this time, than it was last time i read it in like 9th grade. I guess i just understand it better now. but still... I've got transmetropolitan, and maus and they're distracts... that's right.. I splurged.. again. and bought maus- but it was used. so both books were prettymuch for the price of one. so that's okay. i finished the first. i'm going to move on to the second

i've been taking ridiculous naps lately.

i need to buy dvds and burn some from dc++ before i don't have DC++ anymore... yeah. that'll be good.

i want to switch my old feet out for new feet. new pretty feet. I have like ten million blisters right now. it's not fun.ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh

I'm ready for spring break. really ready.

I lose something everytime I clean

SO I have my own room now until after spring break. Rubal's in INDIA. for a MONTH. hahhh... she's funny.

but unfunnily, I LOST MY ID i dont' know what happened to it. again. i said i wouldn't lose it this semester. le sigh. maybe it'll be okay because I'll only have to pay 30 bucks for the class pass becuase half the semester is already gone. oofta. it jsut dissappeared.. between the laundryroom and here. here being my room.

but. My room is finally clean. i jst have to put my laundry away. I really dont' want to.

this is a boring post.

I can't believe I did it again.

but I have a LIST of things I want to do with rabahhh when she gets here. it'll be v. excitting.

I'm woozy.

I thought i had slept for something like 14 hours today.. but really it's only like 9... so actually it isn't that bad. my eyes are pulsating though... i dont' think that's good. I have to.. urgghhh... escribir en espanol. poo... pooo... poo..

I should still be squishing.

I worry too much.


is it bad if I take another nap?

I felt v. non indian yesterday- and I have the doot da doot da doot da doot da of bhangra beats in my head.

I want breadsticks.

I'm squishing down into midterms

so in my usual procrastinatory post, I have a linguistics midterm tomorrow, spanish homework due tomorrow, a bio midterm review sheet due tomorrow (for extra credit i'll probably need) a bio midterm on friday, an English paper due on the 1st, my English GSI isn't emailing me back about meeting with me becuase he didn't have office horus this week, and well... we have another spanish paper to start working on. OOFTA.

I've been listening to a lot of music though. I don't knwo if my Ipod on shuffle jsut likes Five Iron Frenzy, or if it's jsut the fact that I have so much Five Iron Frenzy on my Ipod that it comes up as often as it should based on ratio. People look at me funny when I bob my head to my music. It's just that they can't hear it :) but that's okay, I'm used to being looked at funny.


Things I want to do but have no time (or money) to do: blues dancing. Infinite Jest. sleep. sf. more specifically city lights. transmet. discover food places.

Shakira is waayyy too hot. I want to be able to move my body like Shakira. she's mesmerizing.

okay working. working. working.

We did a lot back then. what are we doing now?

A lot of my friends are together right now in New York. Lauren, Yang, Anandi, Rohini, - I kind of really wish I were with them.

It's so different here. at home, there are too many people I want to see, and not enough time to have one on one time with them, but here... I think I have friends of circumstance. or we're in that awkward stage just before being able to call people up randomly, or hang out randomly.

I suppose I need some alone time too.

I think Sam may be leaving. according to Mike, I get to have dinner with him on the 27th. we'll see. I should try to see Mike sometime- maybe go up to Sac with Rubal one time.

Want everything to flow. and not have to try. or be worried, or anything. I think I'm always worrying, or always thinking, or always tense. I dont' think I'm as bad as some people, but I still need to learn how to let go.

I want to be around people I would truly miss if they were to leave. I want to see Charlie, Kristine and Rusty again. It was funny how Harvard worked out. how we can pick up the same, we don't really have to know about everything in each others' lives because well... our friendship isn't based off of telling events in our lives, what happened everyday, rather there's soemthing more than that. It's the same with Rabah. but it's hard to get there. you know?

I always sound unhappy in my blog. but I'm happy. I live well, I'm learning right? sorry for complaining so much at you, but well... I suppose that what it is to be american- never any satisfaction.

"I tried to convince you not to go home"

I like how this song (looking back on today) only reminds me of joyce- despite how sappy it is, I don't relate any of these overtly cheesy lyrics to any of the male gender.

I miss joyce- she's an explorer.. much moreso than me. it'd be nice to have her here and we could go exploring together. I don't get to see her much.

No more electrical taped flip flops for meee... i can no longer feel the ground through the heel of my shoes... i'm happy. Old navy changed their flip flops.. i cant decide whether it's for thebetter or not.

I'm listening to oldies but goodies...song I would listen to through high school and middle school. damn... so many good memories. Tom Petty reminds me of summer - well american girl does. and Matt singing really drunkenly at danika's house. .. it might have been Rob's... i think it was Danika's.

I periodically miss the people I never would call up to talk to- like Lani, or Kris Becker- I used to drive Lani home after Key club- and we'd have good times int he car- or good conversation in the car, but we never made an effort to hang out outside of it. and Kris- so random. and good so good at music. I miss seeing that look on his face when he relaly gets going... he was soulfull.

I like Nick Drake's voice. if you look at him, he doesn't look like his voice would be this clear and mellow- he looks like a screechy off key emo kid.

It's time to stop meandering this semester and really work. hehhhhh

The Cure reminds me of Joe

I'm procrastinating again. reading to do. but not interesting reading to me. I don't know. THings'll get better outside of 45b i hope. i really hope. i like how in this font the numbers get lowered a little bit. I always liked that about old books, the numbers are all skewy.

If you couldn't tell from my last post, i'm relaly excited about harry potter coming out... reallly really... but if i stay here over the summer, then I'm going to have to get the book from here aren't I? hrmm..... ack.. and I'll have the opposite delemma- i'll get it four hours later than the people on the east coast. pooooo. oh well.

so yeah. I'm probably going to end up staying here over the summer and working here in SF. minimum wage is higher.. and i'll probably have to pay rent on my apartment for sumemr anyway so there's no point in paying for an empty apartment right? and i'll get spanish 4 out of the way- so if I want to graduate in three years I can with a Minor in Spanish. I shoudl really plann this out better.

yes. Life planning. that's what I need to do. more like guidelines than actual rules becuase there are of course things that I can't control like whether or not I get hired or what. but at some point, iternational school somewhere preferrably someplace like argentina or something- i should take some history of L. America classes. hrmm.. Spain woudln't be too bad either... or Africaaaa.... but i knwo my parents will say "it's dangerous don't go there" hrm... but Mossadeq didn't get started in his revolutionary ideas until his father in law (the higher priest) had passed away... so maybe i shoudl do that when no one is worrying abotu me anymore.

I talked to my Spanish GSI for a good while yesterday.. it was fun. he told me of a good taqueria on mission and some good bakeries around there... i think it's time to explore SF soon.

the job thing is turning out to be a dud. really. I NEED a job. damn workstudy and such... pooooppp..

I'm using modpodge to fix my earrings tha are breaking.. hahh.. creative.. i only hope that it sticks. seems to be working fine. i don't know.. i think i'm slightly allergic to nickel or whatever they use in cheap earrings, or pewter.. so if i leave them in for a long time, my earses kind of ache a little.. but if i put my white gold ones back int they're okay.. hrmmm... yeah.. doesn't stop me from buying earrings..

I've been in a shopping mood lately... i need shoes.. i really really need shoes all of mine are falling apart. but i have no money. jsut a gift card to macys... hrmmm.. :D that'll be part of my excursion to SF

I want to learn how to lift my left eyebrow.. i used to pride myself on being able to move my face symmetrically. yesh. symmetrically.

I'm in the mood for vulgar kerouac style (though i'm never read kerouac) books.. about drugs and tennis.. and guns and mexico. not about girls moving to vancouver. funny- i enjoy reading books whos protagonists are male but i write about female heroes. hrmmm.... maybe i'm jsut made out to not like my own writing. hahh.. I think by the end of the summer i'll send something to McSweeneys.. and possibly oter magazines.. but that means a stronger discipline from me. more output. (whichh also means more input)

So by sunday i'm going to have a plan. a backbone of a plan. sorry rabah for usinghte owrd PLAN so much. guidelines. not stoney

38 days.

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS ON JULY 21st!

yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weird shin soreness hmmm

apparantly more people have been updating blogs than I expected.. i need to find time to read those now.. shouldn't be too hard.

I still need a job. and no where in the berkeley area is hiring. reallly... it really sucks.

evaporated soy sauce looks really disgusting... like burnt coffee or something.

My GSI (TA) for my linguistics class is on the berkeley ballroom team, cool, she talks really fast... i like that I can follow her. and I'm officially in spanish 3 no more wishy washy department rules.. yayyy.. I'm going to get fluent.. and posibly a minor (double majors i hear are pointless?). hahh

yeahhh so life. how do I do life again? do I even know?

I remmeber not so long ago I said i would read more and write more.. either a chapter or a page or something aday. have I been doing that? bad jessica.. all te time you spend refreshing pages could be spent doing something productive.

none of my GSI's have office hours I can attend. poo..

I'm simultaneously reading Vernon God Little and Infinite Jest and they're mixing in my head.. i don't know what to do about that.

foxtrot.... yesh.. gotta get better... costumes? too expensive.. relaly wish I coudl go to harvard for the allroom comp.. but sadly.. no. oof. money.. always money.. poooo faceeee

I'm really sleepy. waking up early makes me tired. all the time. ungh. okay. Time to get better.

off to stretch, and possibly read somethign that's been assigned.

I'm going to need some help this semester.

I think the only class I truly enjoy right now is Spanish.. and that's only becuase my GSI is cool.. the department is so.... rulesy. oye. English is going to be simply put, 'oofta' and linguistics just seems like a less interesting version of TOK. immunology is alright...

It's funny hanging out with koreans.. because it's so hard to get anywhere becuase someone is always in the bathroom, or talking to someone else.. or blah blah blah and well... yesh. that's why we hang out in parking lots.

I got to swing today. in people's park.. hahhh it was good, not the peaceful type of swinging.. more fun and people oriented.

I'm finding myself more introverted this semester... i guess that's where life took me.

i need a title.

I had been thinking I should update this for a while... i just didn't relaly have anything to say.

It's hard digesting a lot of food.

Isn't It wierd how people take priority with no regard to logic? I suppose some people force it to be logical.. or logical coincides perfectly with their true feelings, but for me.. I don't think it has in a long while...

I realise a lot that someday I want to be able to look at myself and look at my Ideal self and find that they match up- Seymour Glass said something in Hapsworth 16 1924 along the lines of.. "it is rotten and worrisome to have two voices" and well.. as of now.. i have maybe seven or so running around in my small brain of sorts. it'd be nice to converge them.

I suppose this will be a short post.

I still relaly don't have that much to say in this form.. I'm in more of a personal mood these days.

Cabin Fever

So... I asked for snow when i came home- i was hoping for a light dusting... something maybe to make the holidays seem more like the holidays... i didn't ask for this much. i didn't want this much. Now.. it's just an excuse to stay at home "the roads are too icy.. don't go out" oye. I don't want it to snow AGAIN on thursday.

I think it's time for some new years resolutions. Maybe I should do them UN Resolution style... maybe not.

1. Write daily: whether it's a journal entry, a blog, or a blurb, it doesn't matter.. as long as it's not academic.
2. Read a chapter of something other than what's required of me nightly.
3. explore berkeley/SF more... what use is it if I only truly know a could of streets? (i don't know how i'm going to do this as i'm going to have a lot less time on my hands)

It's not drastic but..

I got a haircut.. more like a hair trim. to get my scragglies off. i think it's still a little scraggly.. i didn't want to cut it shorter.. or else i'd want to get a bob or something.

yay for free haircuts.

I'm not giving christmas/festivus gifts this year. just so you know.

I think i'll call Taifur tomorrow.. see if he's home and wants to play some frisbee.

time for exercise reality check.. hahhh

The Fog is coming in over Berkeley.. and i'm procrastinating again

you know how in "scary" movies.. fog always comes down on the full moon and there's that eerieness to it? i like it. it's really peacefull.. everything seems muted.. and i guess this is the closest thig we'll get to snow falling here.. which has that same effect.. kinda.. but that's like sxhale peaceful, fog is inhale peaceful.. like it's filling you up. does that make sense?

Astronomy.. yes. I dont' know yet...

Home in a little bit. yes. tomorrow. gonna go crash some science bowl.

festivus,
rabah's birfday
Mercury cafe
new years?
snow boarding?


LIFE

New Lives

I think i post here when i don't really have time to- just like everything else- you want to do it when you can't and you don't want to when you can- why are we never satisfied with life?

I've been thinking a lot and coming to no conclusions. so maybe now it's better not to think and to just do- but that never works out.

ahh.. regrets of the past.

Saw a cool show yesterday- wish i had gotten to stay for the main event, DJ Qbert, but damn BART closes at 12. ungh.

i've been using that word alot- "ungh" i think it's a good grunting noise... fits my mood these days

I'm not thinking about Muhammad Ali or Mephistophiles or Quasars or Chastity or Gender relations, or Ataturk, or any oter this stuff. who's David Ben-Gurion? do i really care any more? i dont' knowwww.... I want to go decorate a house...even just a room. that's what i really really want to do right now. give me a budget and i'll do it to it. i'm thinking clean and colorful, and warm. but we must put in hardwood- no questions asked- everything looks better with hard wood. I think if i had a hosue i decorated myself- each room would have a different personality. my house wouldn't be cohesive at all :)

I'm trying hard to figure out something about myself that is more than friends, or school or whatever, but what am i trying to figure out?

I think this was a good teeenagerish post- i only have a year and a half ish left of being one.. lets use it to its full extent.

i guess this means i'm back to posting here... if a little less than usual

didn't take long at all.

I guess it didn't really take long but...

THE ANIMATION SHOW IS COMING BACKKKK

Denver, CO
Mayan Theatre,
February (21-22) 7:39 & 9:45PM
110 Broadway Ave.

Boulder, CO
Boulder Theatre,
February (24) 6:30 & 9:00PM
2032 14th Street.



Berkeley, CA
Wheeler Auditorium
Jan 27-28, 2007

Hells yes.

www.animationshow.com

too bad we can't get the group who saw Ani2 to see this one together... but if you're not in Colorado or Berkeley in janurary-february.. look on the website given above for showtime where you arrrreee.


listen to MJ.. he makes you feel better.

I'm not going to say i'm stopping

I think i'm taking a blog break.... well.. i'll only post here if I really really feel a need to. or a giant desire to.

it's back to moleskines for me. i don't think i have anything worth saying in this format anymore.. it just turns out whiny or something. not soemthing i'm proud of.. or want people to see.

life is good.

time for some John Milton and Satan

music reminds me of everyone

other than a couple of songs, Jimmy eat world reminds me of no one. it doesn't remind me of good times, bad times, people, just... myself. everything else.. or at least most everything else is associated with someone or sometime: five iron Frenzy, Streetlight Manifesto, Jeff Buckley, The Decembrists, Tri Sestry, Simon and Garfunkel, just to name a few... and well.. sometimes you just want music.. and not memories. because memories'll make you miss the past or people who aren't there.

home was.... it was home. good and frustrating at the same time. I said before i wasn't sure if home would feel like home anymore, well.. it made itself feel like home (forced its way back into the 'home crevice' in my mind label box)... nowhere else could give me this feeling.

i don't think that metaphor made any sense.

let me just say home is a flurry of emotion and thought.

this place itself though, is something else. the air is crisper. the sun is brighter, the mountains are rockier and snowier...

it a little bit disconcerting when horoscopes say exactly what you're thinking.

worrying gets us no where.

neither does whining

"I had to think a while"

I was wondering whether to do this as i did it a couple of years back.. with a list of everything and anything... or do it like last year and just put up twenty things... I guess it comes as it comes... and if it turns out to be hundreds or simply a couple... then... well.. it is what it is. I'm thankful for a lot of things. My life's really blessed- sometimes i lose sight of that.. but it's always nice to remember.

Things I'm Thankful For (in no particular order than what i thought of them in):

1. Rabah- for Being there. Being herself. and Being Godawfully honest
2. Being at Berkeley- i was telling Kaile I'd like to live in memories.. but since i can't.. Berkeley's the best place for me- because i had to move on sometime.
3. Hah- at the moment, high metabolism, from looking at the crap food i have on my desk, it's the only thing keeping me thin
4. God- for jumping up and down when it feels like i'm about to forget about him
5. My sisters who seem immutable even as they change
6. My Parents who ingrained 'be unique' in my head as a kid
7. Eric- for putting up with (and enjoying) my throwing books at him to read, because i like to share.
8. Ian- for calling me and telling me awkward and amazing things
9. Kristine- for making me feel like i can say anything and everything- when i can catch her without playingn ridiculous games of phone tag

as always it's a list of people. but so it goes.

happy thanksgiving all... i'll see you at T2

hahahaha...

i'm selling my body for money.

betcha never expected that from me.

I wonder about Ady's Masters thesis

He was telling us last year about how he was thinking about doing something on the use of unique figurative language, or writing style in translated literature. I'm beginning to wonder more and more about that. Today i was helping this girl who writes like Sandra does. I wonder what culture has to do with that.. or whther they're just kindred souls. They were writing memoir like essays, or stories... this is the kind of thing i wanted to do- edit and help kids with wriitng and get them to love it love it- i shoudl have applied for that creative writing class next semester.. i guess i'll have to do it in the fall. :\

i said i was going to clean today. i think i still will.

short post i guess.

There was a Troubador in the BART station that reminded me of Kris Becker

I had in n out the other day. it seems like whenever i want my camera i never have it and when i do carry it around, I never need it. (or it's run out of batteries when i do need it)

I can see a point where ballroom will take over my life. it's way too much fun. really really. quickstep will be awesome if i get that good. it's like... BOUNCE ACROSS THE FLOOR!!! and samba is like shake It SHAKE it. :).

I heard a really cute story yesterday.. it made my eyes go all squinty as i heard it. sometimes when my smile is really big, i can't seee very well. ah well.

TEN days till i'm home (i have a thing with caps today.) i should be read read reading right now. but a list of things i want to do even if there's no time over my short weekened.

0. CHIPOTLE (the old one)
1. Starbucks
2. T2-3
3. See Joyce and Kaitlin (who are mentioned becasue they aren't associated with the people i would usually see)
4. see everyone else
5. hang out with the family
6. church kids
7. eat home cooked meals


there's more i swear that i'm forgetting.

a list of thanks is coming soon to a blog near you.

I haven't listened to Finch in a while

now's the time where i can take a breath before i plunge into Milton. usually, i judge my time by my science classes, and how soon until the next test, and English i can push to the back of my brain, or at least that's how it used to be. now.. well.. i don't have science anymore. Chem didn't fit- as much as I know I don't want science to be my life (vocationally) i still enjoy it and want that well rounded schedule- it's easy to take a humanities class- why do science classes have to take up so much awkward time?

I feel sick to my stomach. i should eat better.. and on a more regular schedule- i'm saying this as I shove pocky into my mouth.

isn't it wierd when your professors start talking about things that are compeltely and utterly relevant to your life at that moment? It freaks me out. but it was happening for a while.

16 days until i'm back in Denver, though I won't know if it's Home until i get there. I hope i haven't acclimated to lower altitudes. (wow only 16. there's so much to do in that time)

I think i'm going to finish Hapsworth 16 1924 now. I'm in a Salinger mood.

I hate critiquing myself- or watching myself doing things. it gives me deep embarassment.

"keep your pinky down."

"love, love, love"

"it's blue and smells like cat, must be sodium chloride"

tomorrow's november first

I'm wondering if I shoudl NaNoWriMo this year. i've failed miserably in the past.. and I feel like i'd fail even more miserably now that i'm in college. plus.. the first is tomorrow... and well.. i havent' got a topic... already i'm behind. someone shoudl remind me of this two months in advance. sheesh.

My goal for this week:

good essay topic by tonight-
go to office hours tomorrow
write out draft by friday
go to slc
revise over weekend
not worry on sunday night.


oy.. hopefully it works. I need this to be an amazing paper... and i need my milton paper to be an amazing paper.

CLAM submission?
NaNoWRiMo?
Lindy on Wednesday? i dunnooooo

So many things

I want to learn to samba, jive and Pasadoble- i don't know if you can use pasadoble as a verb like you can with jive and samba. why do they teach us the broing dances first? i've deciede i need to be a lot more aware of my arms when i'm dancing..that's where all the attitude adn the action is. yeah buddy. i want to keep ballroom dancing... but i know it shouldn't be as important as say.. acing this next paper in engrish to save my grade.

now's one of those phases wehre i want to be able to read everybody's mind- soemtimes i thinkt hat's a violation of privacy.. right now. i don't really care. i want to know.

for those of you who read comic books and haven't yet read Superman Red Son, i highly reccommend it. the intro is a little pretentious.. but whatever. not as reccomended as alan moore or the sandman though.

Lord Wotton's words in Dorian Gray are hypnotising even when i know they should make sense... but htey do logically which is what's so dangerous abotu them. i need to read less books.. or not update this and actually do work. i think i'll do that soon

i hate waterproof mascara... it doesn't comeoff even with eye makeup remover. ugh. this is why i don't wear makeup.

four weeks? i'm looking forward to it.

oh california...

Berkeley:


Clear

76°F
Feels Like
76°F

Denver:

Mostly Cloudy

36°F
Feels Like
36°F


I want it to be all bundly and cold so i can snuggle up to people and put my cold feet on them. :)

oh well.. it's nice being 73 too.


do it to it Lars

Waking up early = sleeepy jessica

maybe i should have just gone to bed earlier like i had planned. but it's worth being distracted sometimes i guess.

i need more hours in the day so i can both sleep longer and have time to read books that i want to read - i thought i was goingto be caught up by now... but i'm not.

i think this is the point where i start cramming way more in than i should into my days and then suddenly- WHAPAM! it's christmas break.

i Really like the Yoshimi Battles te Pink Robots Album by the flaming lips. I think it's amazering.

I took off word verification because i think taifur complained about it a long time ago. i don't think i'm that bothered by ads.

To not falling asleep in class!

I've been studying for the past six hours straight.. you shoudl be proud.

so.. i'm taking a break from my info intake of the day. I often feel like sundays are my most productive days of the week. probably true.

I need to not eat as much junkfood as I have been recently... currently on my desk are a box of cinnamon toast crunch, a box of teddy grahams (cinnamon), and a bag of pita chips (organic) i think it's amusing how around here most of the junk food they sell on campus is organic or 'all natural' my mom would be happy.

my sister just told me she doesn't know what i'm doing in college and that i have weird friends and seem to be doing weird things.. hah. it's true. but i like it. it's my experience.

I'm in a listy mood.. bear (is that the right form of bear?) with me- I have swung back into reading with full force- currently in my bag is: dubliners (almost done), faerie Queene (book III seems to be much better than Book I), the picture of dorian gray (not yet started), bluebeard, and hapworth 16 1924 (which surprisingly i haven't finished yet)..oy. more and more i'm thinking english major.

it's weird thinking i just breezed through half a century's worth of history for turkey and Iran and am now at the seventies. maybe i should go back and breeze slower. easy mac first.

my screen is super dusty.

this was a pretty pointless post.

okay....

I think more and more i'm finding i like candid shots. or shots of people that they dont' know you're taking of them. you get more personality that way. I smile the same in all pictures.. there's no difference... just teeth.. and squintier eyes.

everytime i want a change i go to my hair. i have bangs again. maybe in a couple of weeks.. it'll be short again.

i think more and more we're collectively responding to the fact that things'll never be the same again. and moving more and more towards the direction of being okay with that.

i went into two book stores yesterday looking for The Picture of Dorian Gray- I left with Bluebeard (which i lost before with a doodle sidney gave me grr) from the first one, and Infinite Jest from the second. i'm cycling back into my spending money phase. - i still need/want that oscar wilde book. i always tell myself.. at least you're saving money because they're used books and you could have bought the new ones and wasted ten more bucks.. or five more.. or whatever. I think books are a good thing to spend money on.

Faery Queene takes up too much of my brain power. it exhausts me.

but at least i'm getting back into the swing of school. yeah. school's swinging again.

"the world we loved forever gone....we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to be..."

Safeway

they apparantly don't sell peter pan peanut butter here. I had to buy jif. it doens't taste as good. ergh. choosy moms my butt.

sometimes you can't do anything but read

this post is completely different form the one I published this morning. (although it is a new day)

Its nice to have someone there who understands- there isn't one person who understands everything- i get that now.. i'm not going to find one person who understands how i feel about everything and i'm okay with that.

I have a reading buddy :o)

and after looking through wikipedia three minutes ago.. i want to read the entire list of books that were banned. that's one of my 'things to do before i die' read all the banned books.. i don't knwo whether to limit that to banned in america though.. i don't think i will. i dunno.

the problem with reading novels in translation is that i don't know what the good translations are.. and which ones are crappy. i've been wanting to read my russians for a while now.. and I don't know what copies to pick up.. because well.. translations make a difference. maybe i should find some crazy russian literature professor and ask them. maybe.

maybe there's a reason why the song "getting better" is stuck in my head?

i'm still confused.. but i'm okay with the confusion.

it's good to have good friends- or people with the potential to be great friends.

the gilda radner quote we used in the lit mag (the one that's on my facebook) applies so well.

funny how change is stagnant.

"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

turn around and repeat three times....

Matt once used the quote “you’re true blue, Ethel” in association with me. And I’ve always taken pride in being upfront, and real and not fakey. More and more I realize even though I’m not fakey in the stab people in the back way, I can’t BE upfront and real unless I know my own opinions first. I find myself in debates… and not knowing whether the word I’m about to use is right.. or whether my facts are straight, or most importantly whether I’m playing devils advocate or not.
I don’t know. I forget too easily. I think I’m forgetting your faces. I know I’m forgetting your laughs. Even though we’re not supposed to cling on to each other, it’s okay to want to right? To want to be there? –even if we can’t do much good? Stupid over 1000K mile distances.

I slept through class today- the class I really needed to be at because I don’t know what I’m doing with Spenser. I don’t know what I’m doing. I love English. I love hearing people talk about English- and through that hearing their own passions for the literature. And to let you in on a secret you may already know, or in the opposite direction- may not want to believe- I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m with people like that. Why compare myself? Because I HAVE to. I hate floundering. But I love English.. so what do I do? Keep floundering?

I think this is my space to be ‘I’ ‘I’ ‘I’ because I like being ‘you’ ‘you’ ‘you’ normally. This is the spear to my side where all my inside stuff about me can come out.

This is turning out to be a negative post.

Can I love you right now? Because I want to.

I want to stand and talk to someone while hugging them. I can’t do that with guys because then there’s a stigma attached- and here… I’m not close to the girls. I’m not comfortable with them. I want to fit together like puzzle pieces or just be able to grab someone for a hug, or take naps next to each other. Or just get coffee- or uncoffee. Or be able to talk about anything. Everything.

No time no time no time.

I want to make something beautiful. I don’t feel like anything beautiful has come out of me in a long time.

(I want to be beautiful- by making beautiful things)

I’m not as weird as I usually am. I don’t feel like myself. I’m fitting into skin that is too loose- I told you that things change and we have to change with it, but we’re still ourselves. But jeez, weirdness has been a part of me for longer than I can remember. It’s like the phantom limb syndrome. I want to scratch it but I reach and find air.

When I get pensive- I get dreary and critical of myself. Life here is good. Life here is just- Hard. Confusing maybe. But the Good times come as often as the bad.

letter to myself

Dear Jess,

There are a couple of things you need to learn:
1. YOU WERE NEVER CAPABLE OF A THIRTY MINUTE NAP- what makes you think that you are now?- you don't have two hours.
2. History takes a lot longer to read than you think it does. start reading earlier in the week.
3. Essays written at the last minute are always worse than essays written beforehand with time to EDIT.
4. even if you feel sleepy, learn to get over it and keep working.

Love,
Jessica

EDIT (5:18 am): P.S. This is the worst essay you've written in about three years. nice going dip shit.

sorry i'm just procrastinating- time to chase myself in circles frantically.

it's been over a year

My list of little joys is over due. I made it this morning as I looked at the construction over the glade.

1. Late Night Conversations
2. perfectly ripe bananas
3. good noses
4. random encounters
5. climbing trees
6. phone calls from home (or people who remind me of home)
7. Streetlamps and the halo effect when we squint
8. solitude
9. Peach-Os
10. The Word Beautiful
11. Peeing after waiting a long time
12. crevaces

i don't know what happened to my orange juice obsession since summer. It seems to have petered out... these days it's all about the grapefruit juice. strange- maye it's just because i don't really drink anything anymore. it's actually pretty bad for me. ugh.....

oh well.. I figured now's a good time to think about joys and the little things which make life worth living.

I realise I want to do way too much incollege just like i did in high school. Joyce was telling me i should only really have three extra curriculars-buuuut there's ballroom, church/biblestudy, Volunteering with middle schoolers, getting a job, a literary magazine on campus... and who knows what else I'll want to do.. maybe intermural disc at one point.. that's what... three more than i'm supposed to have. I dont' want to stretch myself thin but I really seriously want to do all of it. what shoudl i do? what's most important to me? I can't make that distinction right now. why can't there always be 29 horus in the day? ugh..

Goodbye Sky Harbor

I met up with ozzie today and got a free dinner out of it from all them crazy stanford kids getting a little cater action from Chevys.. otherwise.. the week's been pretty standard. That was a little taste from home. I'd forgotten how long it's been since i've seen him- since rabah's party in June. wow.

I've been hanging out with the kids on my floor a lot more.. late at night when we don't want to disturb the dustbunnies with our obnoxiousities- life is squinting-into-the-sunset-good right now.
I hung out kinda with the freshmen at my church yesterday- it was kinda cool.. but really obnoxious in the fact they know me less than even the people here... oh well... i guess that's what happens....

i should be figuring out my essay right now. erggghh..

I haven't walked and read in a long time. it's kind of refreshing- I get sucked in by the methodicalness of my footsteps.. yeah. :) I like books that pull me in.

i need to vacuum my room or learn how to work in here. it's really disturbing how my bed jsut calls to me... i never worked in my bedroom at home... i guess that may be why. the bed was never available for me to sleep in near my work... the word 'vacuum' looks really funny if you stare at it for a long time. like 'bluer'

should i climb into bed? perhaps. shoudl I do work? definitely yes.

everyone these days seem to be cat people more than dog people... weird.. maybe californians are jsut cat people too. maybe there's a big correlation.

Better in Black and White?

My mittens are sitting next to me and i feel like i'll never have the occasion to wear them.

I like hearing stories of how my friends' lives are getting better- they make me more optimistic.

I've been in a truthful mood lately- straight and blunt. I don't know if it's doing me any good or what, but i can understand myself and lay out my morals and my thought processes better i think. I think it's helping my relationships with people too and making me less of a manipulative, stereotypical female.

some guy on the street sullied the word 'beautiful' today. it's okay... all good things will be misused. people's park intrigues me, and yet i'm afraid to explore it closer.. perhaps with a friend.

my desk is a black hole.

and my posts are really random. that's okay..

oh i found a church. KCPC in SF is pretty awesome- the pastor sermons a little differently but it's interesting. I fell like i can really grow there versus flounder and doubt and judge as I attend.

I'm finding that people back home mean a lot to me. people here are great and a good change. but people at home understand. it's like- getting rid of an old easy chair because it's tattered and just time for it to go , and then realising as you sit in the new one that you miss it.

Change is when you realise something's the same but different.- Delirium said something like that. Things are changing- bring on the rain, the fork in the road, the wise crone or any of your other imagery of rebirth and change and it goes smack dab over the present right now.

I'm changing ever the same

I was reading the entirety of this blog the other night... and I haven't changed much in the past two years. jsut cycles of ups and downs. and then just now, I went back to my xanga and read an entry I put in on August 30th of 2003. It was a survey where you use the lyrics of one band to describe yourself. funny how those things haven't changed- and how Jimmy Eat World is still amazering.

Life is really confusing.

I change my mind. life is a cycle of ups and downs but each of those have their own ups and downs

"I will pray with the spirit and I will pray with the mind also; I will sing with the spirit and I will sing with the mind also." 1 corinth. 14:15

I really need to find myself a church.

"You can't catch me, i'm the stinky Cheese man!"

Life has been moving by really fast. that conversation with Rabah six hours ago seems like days. I haven't seen my family in years, and I haven't been to a class for weeks. you know? it's just moving- mesmerizing like double dutch ropes and I'm trying to jump in.. drop those tricks and get spit back out again- but I think i tangle the ropes but the people spinning the ends just keep spinning anyway.

I think that's why i like movies so much. They slow me down. it's a moment in time where I can be sucked into something slower than my version of time.

don't you hate it when you think something you said was original- or at least not something you've come across in your lifetime if you're into the whole- nothing's original anymore- and then you re re-reading or re-watching something and you realise it's not yours. but theirs? ugh. I don't like that feeling makes me feel like a user- an old rag.

I want to write. but there hasn't been anything that i've caught or that has caught me. I should be writing my canterbury tales essay- which shouldn't be that bad.. i just have a block right now. oh well i have til friday.

I realised that I have to make other people happy or other people have to be happy for me to be happy myself or else i start worry abotu their unhappiness... I wish i didn't have to do that. Life would be so much easier if I didn't go out of my way to make things better.


three of my five paragraphs start with 'I' when did I get so ego centric? i guess that's what a blog is- talking about myself.

talk like a pirate day was reasonably sucessful- i got a lot better at it than the past three years.

I want life to slow down.

Happy Talk like a Pirate day to ye Land Lubbers!

glorious

I climbed a tree today. it was glorious- and everything.

we also played night frisbee with glowsticks and that was glorious too..

a quote from Franny and Zooey:

"I don't know what good it is to know so much and be smart as whips and all if it doesn't make you happy."


overall, today was a good day.

I'm being a girl today

sometimes I get urges to wear skirts for no reason. and I feel like I've worn tee shirts and jeans for so long that whenever i do end up wearing something a little nicer it's a big change for me. eh. oh well.. when have I ever outwardly cared what people think of me?

Yesterday I looked at the moon. and did aero-yoga. it was peaceful and nice. I want to get more flexible. it's really sad that I can't touch my toes- but in my defense even though my hammies are tight, my quads are not. but yes. that is one of my goals this year that I'm going to follow through on.

I love you I love you I love you.

oooh.. healing circles.

Interesting moods revisited

I'm in that placewhere i miss people from home- i miss homecooked meals.. hanging out in my bathroom, in my car, in other people's rooms or wherever... and especially the late night park nights which i didn't get very many of this summer. at all.

i wanted to go out and look at the start the other nigt. there were too many clouds. The Berkeley sky is oarngish at night.. it's kinda cool.. and kinda messed up at the same time. recently i've had the urge to go to red rocks pre-dawn and watch the sun rise.

but things here are going really well. Ballroom is fun- although the whole switching partners thing- I met some interesting people- ineterseting in that i don't really ever want to dance with them again. good thing I've got Brandon as a partner already. I feel dumb in classes... ut I hate feeling like the smartest person in the clas stoo.. so I guess it's good.. i'm really inarticulate... i hope it gets better. I used the word 'good' a lot. okaaay... so.... yeah.

It makes me sad that people aren't having as swell (trying to avoid good) of a time as I'm having. as the beatles say "we can work it out- but there's no tiiiiiime for fussing and fighting my friends" but i wish i coudl be there for you- and be that person that's concrete and solid- not jsut words on a computer screen or a voice over the phone. but someone to hold onto. and I can't be. Maybe i need to turn the empathy down a little- but still. i can't help it.

The weekend is here.

I'm listening to Apollo Sunshine- and I remember why i liked them so much a couple of years ago. kinda machine go boom ish but less crazy.

"The birthday wish you missed me blow out came true when i fell asleep next to you"

I have that half smile on my face. but it's nap time.

my Feet are permanently black

I think Ballrooming barefoot and playing frisbee barefoot has ruined the 'prettiness' of my feet.

it's funny how when your fingers are cold, you can't type as fast.. actually..that's probably a given.. but still... it's obnoxious.

I had a weird dream last night about basically everything... somehow Bowles(the all guys dorm) turned into some sort of boarding school and we were waltzing and I was waltzing with some guy that Kyle hated but was still outwardly friendly to... though i have no idea what he looked like other than he was blonde... and well.. I don't know... it was weird.

I think my more melancholy in the morning than at night... why is it AT night and IN the morning or afternoon? i hate how english never makes sense. but yeah. i think i'm going to fulfill my plan of going to that yes, That tree and read in it.. god knows i have a lot of chaucer to read... and history for that matter.

I think since I've been here i've gotten a lot better at rambling.. I dont' know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. but now I feel longwinded and like words aren't a big deal..i guess that means i'm getting over korea... which i was speaking korean to my parents yesterday.. and it sucks....

My desktop is a picture of Rabah. Makes me miss home and driving to see people.. and Chipotle... the one on Telegraph isn't open yet.. ergh.

Thank you to the person who left me a poem- it made me smile and I like smiling at things.

Life goes on.

last thing i have to do is find a job

I'm having an affair with the word 'beautiful' these days, it's just catching my eye, and it seems like the turns of phrase with that word catch my ear more often. I told rabah this, but i think i would much rather be called beautiful than any other thing... because beauty stretches all the way to the inner secrets of the soul.

middle english

you know that old cliche of the guy reading a girl poetry and she falls in love with this so called sensitive guy because it's impossible to find a guy who reads keats or whoever?

well...if any guy is willing to read me chaucer in lilted middle english.. i might just fall into that cliche and swoon... my (female) teacher was reading the first 16 lines of the canterbury tales to us today... and well... it was splat.

I miss colorado skies. if you're still there. look up at sunset (and sunrise if you're up early enough) and just absorb the reds, pinks, oranges, fuzzy greens and blues that roll together. you don't get that everywhere... and it's breathtaking.

my friend Charlie is coming up from Nipomo before he goes off to le Hahvard- i'm excited.. yet another person i haven't seen in over a year- speaking of which.. i saw yan today at crossroads (the dc) he grew facial hair... yan is a friend of a friend from harvard... so i guess i'm seeing more harvard people that i thought i would. but I really want to meet up with krisitne again. from that group

you know how people get an image of you? i don't know if my image here is the same as my image at home.

people here don't nosegoes.

I was walking down the street, and a bum who was walking by said "smile, it's a beautiful day" and you can't say no to that.

week one ish?

I was reading through some of my old stuff.. and though I'm pretty sure i've posted this before... i thought it was fitting:

Beginnings are creatures of change. We don't always welcome Beginnings, but they are born in front of closed eyes. By the time we accept them, the Beginnings have moved on, on cat like feet to leave us to their offspring; we feel the same, yet uncomfortably different. Beginnings are dashing, because of the uncertainty that they arrive with, arm in arm; whereas, Middles are boorish and Endings are wretchedly nostalgic. Only when we are able to let go of the past and leave it as the past, instead of the now, new Beginnings can be acknowledged.

recently i've been whiny and complainy about how I don't feel like anything's changing... but hey.. maybe the me of two years ago was right.

I learned how to chacha, salsa, and east coast swing yesterday- it's nice having a dance partner who knows what he's doing.. it was pretty sweet.. and I now have a group of ultimate frisbee-ers which is awesome. Funny how i really dont' know anyone on my floor and instead i hang out with people who live waaaaaaay on the other side of campus. This is how it always works for me.. i find good guy friends first... and i have to look hard for good girlfriends. I can live with my roommate... though she's nothing compared with Kristine- and she tries too hard to be cutsey and is pretty high maintenance... but she's alright.

I miss having people around that already understand me and with whom I already have a relationship established. it makes things a lot easier.

I need to start waking up earlier... and actually not waste time. maybe that means going to sleep earlier

14 hours and counting

I think i'm getting closer to closure today... this last day. once my room looks (near) spotless I think it'll have that going away feeling. I should start on that.

I feel bad for spending not enough time around my parents... but spending time with them means spending time around them. I probably should have gone golfing with me dad.. and done something with my mom... but it seems... like when they want me around we do our own things... I don't know.

I guess I have to let my friends go... I've been on the receiving end of "my friend_______ would have..." or "one time me and my friend ____ did..." and on the giving end for that matter, but i gues i just have to be about making new memories instead of reliving old ones... something I've never been good at.

my mom thinks I have to be out of the house by 5:30 for a 8:30 flight... I say psh... at least thirty more minutes of sleep.

I can't find my 'end is here' album.. and it makes me sad.. otherwise most of my music is on my computer...

anyone want REM albums? my cousin gave me most if not all of REM's discography frm off of his computer... I should have upgraded my harddrive.

"She said, 'I like long walks and sci fi movies'"

I made my first bottle of Kimchi today. That was pretty cool. My mommy taught me. I think if I were just a little less academically inclined, i would go to culinary school and become an amazing chef... yeah doggy. If you like the smell of hamburgers or steak on the grill.. well.. it's nothing compared to the smell of some good korean barbeque on the grill.. seriously. I've scoped out the korean food on campus.. so a little homesickness will take me to those restaurants.

Otherwise, I need to decide what's going and what's staying... should I take Floppy (my loved and dirty stuffed animal)? should I take the big or the small box of crayons (Ian says big) ? what shoudl I decorate my room with? that is a lot harder when you're not allowed to drill holes in the walls...I realise 2 of the 3 questions I just asked make me seem childish and as joe would say in line that whole neverneverland peter pan thing- which I find no problem with embracing my childhood.

My shoulder really hurts.. I hope it's nothing serious and the pain (and thus problem) goes away within a couple of days.

I should have gotten a bigger harddrive for my laptop... I didn't realise how much music I had.

This weekend was pretty awesome. I went to a day-long picnic with my church... and played a bit of volleyball... football... got hit in the hip with a ball as I daydreamed...then I went to a fashion show at the Fabric Lab.. it was straight up on the sidewalk on colfax.. pretty awesome.. the clothes were cool, the atmosphere was better. then on sunday.. I went to church and then Winnie's, Foote's then Kathleen's it was pretty awesome.. I went sailing for the first time.

No one writes on their blogs anymore... it kinda makes me sad.

wierded out

I just found a picture of Lane Smith on facebook... basically he was my preschool love interest.. we would make tunnels in the sand together. craaazy


I feel a lot more lethargic now that i'm home from korea... like lying on my floor and counting the little nubbly carpet clumps is a good use of my time. I haven't writtenanything since last may, I haven't read anything new since I finished that Vonnegut book. I'm just wasting my 'talents' and sleeping or kinda eating (my stomach's shrunk too) and i'm too lazy to do anything about it.

enough of the emo posting though. I met up with Rusty and Max (friends from le harvard) last Saturday... It was pretty cool except for the abortion discussion that somehow came up. i hate going into these things because people aren't going to change their minds about them. but it was nice because i haven't seen them in over a year and i hadn't really talked to max in any form until that point.

i hope i can find a job at le berkeley, and i hope I can amass some money to go either to chicago or out to boston/newyork for spring break.

i leave in less than 2 weeks.

Chicken Feet and Eel Guts

Right.

Consistently for the past year the concept of marriage has come up often. Mostly directed towards my sisters- but I got some of it. Now because i'm going to college with (surprise surprise) a lot of asians and maybe because I just came back from Korea its suddenly a whirlwind of You have to marry a korean person... and you ave to be on the lookout and blah blahblah. sometimes I hate conservatism.
the great majority of Korean guys are either too female or too piggish.

Korea was okay. I hung out with my family a lot (had the conversation about marrying korean a lot). got introduced to foods I never thougt would be edible (see title) and shopped cheap... but not over excessively.

I get to see Rusty and Max on ( i think) saturday... oh my Dallas boys.

I've come to realise how much I hate money in alll forms. it just sullies all good things. food is no longer delicious (i'm eating $5.79) earning it is too difficult when you're paying back a third to the government and spending my parents' money leaves me guilty and I can't spend it on what i really want because it's too much to ask for or they don't see the importance of it.

my mom thinks i'm inactive.. which is true when I'm at home. simply because well... I can be. and everyone else is still working-

i'm really jetlagged- I woke up at 4am yesterday, wen tback to sleep at 7am woke up at 1pm went back to sleep at about 4pm and woke up again at about 7pm and then finally fell asleep for the night at 2am. I give it a week. I hate doing nothing. and yet that's all i'm doing. ugghhh

I haven't been on a swingset in a long time. not since lauren/alex/megan's graduation party when I was on them with Winnie.

Ihope my roommate is pretty awesome... but I dont' know how they could beat Kristine.

rabah needs to come home.

This summer was (is) not the "best i ever had" but maybe we can make it better in the next fortnight or so.

Goodbyes quiet my soul

I'm coming home tomorrow.

berkeley's being obnoxious.

but I'm going to spend what time I have with people instead of this box. Full recap upon return.

-끗

oo.. goot.. belly belly goot!... you know?

I <3 my uncle... he reminds me of Mr. Bean... and to him.. that's a complement.

my cousin has all the seasons of friends... and when I think i'm forgetting english.. i watch them... friends reminds me of Matt... i had forgotten why i lke chandler the best.

hows it in colorado?

:(/:)?

so apparantly I don't make a very good footall psychic... and all of the world cup jinxes are true... england can't get past the quarter... brazil can't win in europe.. le sigh....

poor argentina...

today i was listening to Cute without the E in the subway and I though of Lauren, Kaile and I (Yang was there too, but she didn't ko the words) singing like manics. I wanted to bust out on the subway... but... the korean people just write text messages on their ridiculously nice/expensive phones... or watch their minature satellite tvs.. and they'd just be like 'crazy american!' and kick me witht heir high heeled shoes.. well not really... but there'd be a lot of people staring.

I miss my car... it's really the only place where I can truly sing out without people looking at me funny,, or me disturbign them.

I'm forgetting english.. I was just about to spell crazy with a K.

Korean couples often have an item of matching clothing- maybe a ring... maybe the same pair of converse (worn in the same way) sometimes the whole freakin outfit... and yeah... yeah... it's obnoxious... that last one.

'Football' Musings

Stupid Germany... charging the goalie... and making Argentina lose the shoot out... but I think Argentina made some bad calls to begin with.

my guess.. germany italy england and brazil... italy in fouth and brazil takes the cup...

but i really don't know anything about soccer (football)

a leaf out of Matt's book.

5 things I've noticed about Seoul:

1. Girls will endure pain for fashion: ie stilletto heels in a hilly city.
2. It's true that girls won't exercize because they don't want muscle: they just want to be slim. (my cousin's girlfriend doesn't want to eat vitamins because she'll get muscular? i don' understand either)
3. The Seoul subway system is super nice... better than the... five systems I've riden before
4. buying a cellphone in korea.... is scary business... there's a department store floor full of people being paid on commision trying to add you to their stats...but the cellphones are super high tech... they make the razr look like a brick
5. relatives will feed you when there's nothing else to do.
6. the showers dont' have curtains.


I was told today I suck at writing in korean.. thus i am in the second of three levels in the program.. yesterday I went around a place called Insadong and would have bought airplne earings made out of wire if my ears were pierced. but they're not.

I like hearing my granmuzzer laugh.

and poor poor korea..... stupid switzerland.

Goin' Home

Day after tomorrow... I'm headed out to the motherland. I really don't know what to expect other than the fact I know i'm going to make a fool of myself simply by opening my mouth... actually..in that regard... not much is different.

I realised this past sunday (if Korea wins this friday and moves on) I'm going to be there during the world cup. it's going to be pretty awesome considering how crazy my people are.

I'll probably post while I'm there... yeah... and e-mail people....

I'll be back... fatter... and FOB-by.

Titles always come last

Berkeley was pretty fun.. despite the demographics being almost 50% asian.. i still managed to make more non-asian friends than asian... yeah... i'm cooool.
Telegraph reminds me of a grittier Boulder. with tye dye tents... and people selling henna... which apparantly people like to get on their breasts.

Korea in about a week.... should be a rockin good time, though I'm staying with my aunt and uncle instead of in a co-op (what is Co-op short for?)

life is good.. golf with Ady this week, possibly teach rabah some more, and let my dad use me as cheap (free) labor.

it's way too hot here.

I got the Harvard Summer Review (the lit mag from the summer sessions) and all the stories have the same tone to them. I guess that's whyI didn't make it.. or why I like to think I didn't make it. oh well...

Thought Vomit

There's a Horcrux in book five

The Sting is excellent (but Robert Redford is hairy)

people are shady

I watch too much TV these days.. makes me lethargic

I'm gonna pick my trumpet back up again

Korea house is coming soon

Trip out to Berkeley even sooner

Lets Whack those balls around, Rabah and Anandi

Lunch? (if I wake up early enough)

I love running my finger across a peice of paper I colored with crayon.

I want more strange Beautiful Corpses on napkins... though the funds aren't great for either of us

we're gonna have to say goodbye sooner or later...

but later yes.

glue stick.. and follow the art crowd

good night.

Because It's Usually about You

Kaile has always kept me writing. whether it was reluctantly on my part or just from the inspiration, she's been a part of it always. I guess this post is because of her's on xanga... well part of it is... she made me want to write something.

Tonight's been wierd. I said goodbye to Zuk and Hawley and C. and you know, well, I know i'll see them again.. but I feel like I"ll see them from different eyes next time. it's not going to be the same. we'll have a separate relationship. I can't see me out of high school.... that grown up. I can't believe my mother is 50, and I can't believe we just graduated. seems like a sick joke to me.

I'm ready to keep doing things my way, and screw everybody else. but you know you influence me anyway.

I have this little doodle infront of me that I cut off of a chemistry worksheet when I was throwing stuff away. it is a picture of two UFO's beaming up a person holding a banana, being eaten (butt first) by a snake on a floating branch... with a giant toucan watching.. as well as a flock of red blood cells (or really far away UFOs) I'm going to keep it forever because it reminds me of Ian.. though, it IS in pencil.. and I hope it doens't fade away.

Tomorrow's going to be fun. just because there'll be good music and people I like. no scratch that.. people I love.

what is a jackalope? and how many exist?

and I was never good at goodbyes.

If you could only see how blue her eyes could be...

I watched Garden State again. It's one of those movies you have to watch at night, or else it doesn't have that magic to it.

Kinda like how Nick Drake sounds better at night.

My sisters left today. It always seems so empty when they leave... with voids of silence.

I'm a needless worrier. I worried before I went to SSP last year, and this year I'm worrying (probably needlessly) about College and Korea. maybe I should have chosen Northwestern? but I don't think so. I can't think like that already.. it's too late for it anyway.

Why is it that lighter colored eyes are so striking? No one says 'if you could only see how brown her eyes were...' or... 'those are some pretty intense black eyes' we blackies (and brownies) got played.

Why is it that people always want what's hardest to obtain? The asians... who definitely tan easily like the white porcelain skin, and the females go to all extents to get it.. where as the caucasians... who definitely can keep their white procelain skin want the tan glow? On that note.. at the rate I'm tanning (while wearing a lot of sunscreen I might add) I'm going to be wrinkly and 60 by the time I'm 40.

but screw that. While I'm here, I'm gonna play soccer with the church kids, hopefully play some disc on wednesdays after tea and crumpets, and get some golf action on... and probably get browner by the day.

I won't worry my life away

I got some graduation bling, two days?

My sisters are coming in tomorrow

Rusty Mason is coming into town on the 5th of August.. er.. rather I get to see him on the 5th of August. :o) Last time I saw Big Rustic was August 19th 2005

No more Korea drama.

Watermelon is Goooooood, and right now that kimchi smell is permeating the house (b/c my mom is making it).. which is, in a disgusting way, really appetizing.

I have a person (or two) I know going to my school next year

I'm in my summer groove alread

If you didn't know, the title is Jason Mraz style.

I've been talking about Rabah a lot I know.

But that's what happens when you hang out with someone a lot. we decided one of her south african friends from camp and I are two parts to the same soul... because apparantly I tell her and ask her the same stuff he does. we are not 'soul mates' as in meant for each other, but.. we are the same person.. except he's south african, muslim, and likes hats, and I'm korean, christian, and likes-hats-but-thinks-they're-too-trendy-to-wear.

and by that i mean I think some of the really cool hats are way too catchy for me, and I kinda like to express personality through clothing through colors.

but really. I've always wondered whether there was someone in the world in a completely different environment that acts the way I do, and talks the way I do, just in their own language. I think there is. Have you found You yet?

I apparantly march to the beat of my own drummer. That's good that people think so, because sometimes I'm afraid to look ridiculous, so then I get more obnoxious and try to make myself un-selfconscious.

I played soccer yesterday for the first time in years, I'm not BAD at playing D, and I saw a lot of old faces form the korean church network that I haven't seen for years.

Tuesday's coming did you bring your coat?

It's time to smile.

different

I hung out with josh and nick today.. it was.. refreshing.. and you could only kinda tell i was the odd (wo)man out. probably because I don't understand WOW.

We're checked out kids... and not in a 'hey baby' type checked out as in DONE... go to my links and refer to Rabah's post 'Check' for specifics.

two days ago, I was driving down I225, and this guy on a motorsyle, doing about 80, passes me, looks back at me, pops a wheelie going 80, stays like that for about 150 yards, and then looks back again at me. show off.. and he's going to kill himself.. I never was able to do a wheelie on my bike.

tomorrow's Prom. it's a little bittersweet, but, hey i'm excited (doesn't seem like it's tomorrow) vamos a bailar amigos!

" I was been told, you'll never grow old, if you live your life too fast.
But I don't need to rest, I'm not old and tired, but I've been through fire and I've seen enough,
and I might never be the same again, but have you seen my friends, they're just the same.
Well come on, well come on, hon' get up and dance with me yeah.
Well no more, well no more blue days and lonely years. "

it's a wrap!

it's funny how rabah and I of all people got addicted to starbucks... i think other than Yang, we were the least likely. but it happened. we recognize the workers, I think they recognize us, and they have to kick us out almost everynight. I've been hanging out with her a lot. we've been turning into each other... i think that's good for me... i dont' knwo how she feels abotu that.

I just have half a physics final and a history packet to do... and a blow off Creative writing period to go to. then i'm done.

AP chem was pretty easy.

it's sad that I dont' see everyone that I want to see anymore.

because i'm listening to it:

"excuse me but i think you made a mistake today.. you called me a chink today..
if you want use the proper racist term... dont' call me a chink... don't call me a chink..
better yet don't call me anything..."

this guy tried to pick us up today. it was really awkward and badly done. no points for creativity.

Ian's model pose is the best one i've seen yet. move over Top Model... Ian Nappier's coming through.

I done.

Like he said.

Ildae told me sometimes we just gotta sit around and drink water with our friends. except it was four pumps of that syrup with ice and probably milk... which I think the guy charged me for the wrong drink... because it's a dollar more expensive than yesterday.

Funny how i've gone to starbucks... 5..? times since may started. I feel like Tests are melting my brains into goop and that's why i need my iced chai that's SUPPOSED to cost me 2.47 to keep that goop from sloshing out of my ears.

Lit Magazine came out today.. cop one if you want to.

I have a(n almost) blank page (it has two blue splotches. what can I do here?

I shoudl probably study for history huh.

I'm ready for it. but not read for that.

I don't understand how people can unmix their emotions. they're happy. or their sad. but never both. The want to. Or they don't. but never both. me.. I'm always both. at elast usually always.

I feel like aroudn this time of year I always feel like I need to be published.. or taking steps to get published... or else I'm wasting time.. and it's always aroudn this time of year I realise how much the people I've been aroudn for the past school year have influenced me.

I gotta do me some Ray Chandler.

last improv show? anyone? anyone?

Lemme Tell ya...

Dear IB,

I'm not gonna freakin call people about your tests.
It's not that big of a deal- chill out.

love,
000631-055

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Dear Gateway Coaches,

suck it for not accomodating some strict IB policy,
and for not getting tee times out til the Friday before.
You're sabotaging Smoky Hill.

love,
Jessica

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Dear Physics-In-General,

You're ruining my life.
I never want to see you again after Wednesday.
Why you got to be so egocentric?

Love, Jessica

Oh Jackie...

Listen to Breakdown by Jack Johnson.

it is great.

see you never.

Can't take it

Like I said to Rabah. being stressed out makes me moody and emotional and I can't take critisism. Save it for when I"m done with everything.

I've been having very vivid dreams for the past two days about tests and regionals. I'm thinking way too much about regionals. I'll be happy when this next week is over.

I'm going to go hide in my bathtub.

It seems like I've been on the verge of tears way too many times this past week.

happier post later. I'm not an emo kid.

Old man Time

so. I have so many to do lists running through my head it's becoming a jumble of lkafk;jasdfyhioawerhk. Seeing daylight and people have become secondary to my headless chicken routine.

This weekend, I have to go over Beloved, East of Eden and 100 years, learn me some physics, history and go golfing- a lot.

To go to chem review? or not to go to chem review? and for that matter, church on friday, or no church on friday?

I am currently reading a book called The Question of God where this guy (Nicholi) puts C.S. Lewis and Freud's arguments for god/against god- and what that entails next to each other. You can definitely tell Nicholi's a psych proffessor. Ever since Wetmore, I can't take Freud seriously. some of Lewis' arguements are sound. someof them, i don't think are. Sometimes it's an interesting read.. sometimes it feels like I'm reading a damn TOK paper.

That math paper today came up behind me when I had accidentally dropped the soap and raped me hard up the ass.

hopefully I make State. really really. but that means sucking it up, two putts, one chips, and not hitting it behind trees or into that lake on that one hole, or whatever.

Here's to flying through, and no zits before prom.

see you at the end.