2007 in retrospect

This year had been pretty dynamic and monotonous at the same time. January seems like such a long time ago. I don't feel very different, but as Paul Simon says, "No it isn't strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same"

Can I compare my freshman year and my sophomore year in college to those of High school? probably. Are they going to be exactly the same? I'm not quite sure. I've said this somewhere before that freshman year was a year of transition. We're forced to make new friends, make our own decisions whether that be personal, or practical or whatever. I made a lot of mistakes, became less idealistic, lost some respect for myself, kept some, and overall let things kind of fall where they may. I think most of this past spring was spent looking backwards and trying to figure out how all that stuff, all that wonderful, painful glorious stuff from the past four (more like two) years was going to fit into this new place with new people. And whether that person that had formed would work at Berkeley. I think I treated the beginning of Freshman year (fall 2006) like another version of leaving home for a short period of time. What i did at Harvard, what I did at CTD was thought to be equivalent of this. And then Winter break came. and I saw people again. and it wasn't the same, and unlike before, it felt handicapping to try to keep it the same. So I moved on.
Spring 2007 I spent dissatisfied with what I had started out doing in Berkeley. I felt stuck by the decisions I had made in the Fall, but, I held to and finished out the year still knowing that this is where I wanted to be, even if I hadn't done anything of consequence. I was noticed more than I thought I would be- I became president, and got a job, and received my first grade below 3.0 and continued to be stupid in some regards, and well.. I suppose I'll always continue to be stupid in some regards.
I got my first apartment. Started to pay rent. Realised that every little thing that you don't think about like.. dish towels and silverware cost money, shelled out a lot of money that isn't mine, but I saw how much work goes into making that little bit. and bought pot/pans, a bookshelf, storage, tables and chairs, a bed, for the apartment... not realising that well.. this makes it seem like my apartment and not both mine and Rubal's. but more on that later.
This summer I learned I had administrative skills, the ability to prioritize and how hard it really is to cook for yourself. Friendships were random and funny. I had a stage of hanging out with pretty much only Ballroom people because it was.. well. easy. so easy to do so, because i saw them every night anyways. I think Summer was also my first time in a long time without a distraction in the form of the male half of the species. Too bad that didn't continue into the fall. Summer seems now like a time I spent for myself. I didn't see many people, granted i did some ballroom work, but i didn't think about doing things for other people during that time. Looking back it feels almost selfish. I think this was a year of becoming more and more selfish though helping people.
Fall drops into my lap. and suddenly there's school, and Rubal, and 190 people to take care of on the team that weren't there during the summer. One of the first things that sticks out is the prayer meeting at my apartment. I at least tried at the beginning of the semester to incorporate myself into that group. I still am I suppose.. I can't help but feel that I'm not trying hard enough. Or that I haven't gotten to know everyone. which is a bummer. and kinda makes me feel like an odd wheel. Ballroom made me realise how dumb and incompetent people are. perhaps, those aren't the right words. maybe just selfish. David Shis made a comment on how he saw everyone who became an officer come out jaded and burnt out. I think i've got both. Just the sheer lack of good will and grubbing that people do makes me want to be more selfish. I think it HAS made me more selfish. I don't think that's a good thing. I also think my Pride has gone through the roof. I need to get humble. I think I can do more than i should. One example of that is Dash. the new christian journal. I like it. I want to do it. i think it'll help me augment my faith a lot. I don't know. i don't have time for it. but it's so along the lines of what I want to do. so I've picked that up lets see how it turns out.
AJ throughout the summer and fall has become one of my best friends. I think my random decision to take him to see Dj Qbert with me last spring was well done.
I got my first real injury- well.. at a time when it really matters to me. in a very stupid way- and it's still broken, I had a steroid injected into my joint and well a week after that shot, its still a bit swollen and it aches when its cold. i don't know.
For the past 4ish years I think there hasn't been a time when I didn't have a crush on some boy- except perhaps this summer. but most of those times, it was more of a "it won't go any further than this" and even if it had then... it wasn't meant to. Its rare that I (rationally) want something to go past the general fun flirty part of crushing. happened this fall...for perhaps the third time in my life. Nothings going to come of it, but I like respecting people, and knowing that people I can see myself perhaps being compatible with DO exist.
One thing that I don't like, and I don't find flattering is being crushed on. I realised this past year that either, A. I'm good at flirting, or B. I'm more attractive than I think I am. meaning that more boys than I want to seem to want to be more than friends. It's disheartening when I just want to have good solid relationships with people and well.. it won't happen because of damn hormones. I suppose this means I should flirt less, and I should be more conservative. Does that mean repressing a part of myself?
Sometime this year I feel like I've become my own person. Well... I always was to people outside my family, but somewhere deep down before this year, I idolized my sisters as semi-perfect people, people I would like to model myself against exactly. and while I still would like to take some aspects of their lives and apply it to my own, I don't think it would be easier to be them. I see faults in them that perhaps I didn't see before, and well, it makes it easier to be myself and not look to them for everything. But I'm still learning this.
On my roommate situation, sometimes I feel like I'm babysitting, or taking care of Rubal. I stopped leaving the bills for her month on her side of the table, and instead I'm paying them and having her pay me. I lent her about half of my savings to go on a weekend trip to BC, which I haven't had returned to me in full, and if we're splitting grocery bills, then I don't want so much food that it all goes bad. There's something like a lack of common sense that I sometimes get, and it's slightly infuriating. Saying that, Rubal is still a good roommate. She doesn't mind when I do things that would infuriate any other person I would live with, and I'm grateful for that.
Over all, 2005 was a year of experimentation, 2006 was a year of transition and 2007 was a year of letting the parts congeal into something greater than the sum of these parts, as Alan Moore said. But perhaps... it's just an illusion of permanence.

2008. whatever may come will come. I won't make any resolutions other than this: I can always be a better person. Don't stagnate even if we come out more or less the same.

la la land

I don't know which is worse, trying hard to be normal.. or trying hard to be abnormal. Maybe they both seem pathetic to me (even though I'm guilty of the same things) because people are trying so hard to be something that they're not. but perhaps.. practice makes perfect right?

I don't know what to do at home. There's a lot of people I want to see, and yet.. I'm so lethargic that i end up just napping.. and not even spending time with my family at home. I notice a lot of grass-is-greener syndrome in me. I always want to be where I'm not. I've been getting wanderlust a lot lately. I need to go somewhere away from Berkeley and away from Denver... hopefully my trips to SD and Harvard this semester will be worth it.

I suppose I should be thinking about New Years Resolutions... and maybe now, instead of back in November I should be playing some FiF and being emo about how nothing changes... but it does, subtly if you want to notice it. I've always claimed to be an observer, someone who doesn't participate but rather analyses. Maybe this is the year to apply what I've learned from other people. maybe I just need to observe myself more.

Do you ever feel like you're moving backwards in time?

My life plays through my head like a movie.

"No one else will have me like you do..."

There are somethings that are worth looking forward to. Namely, seeing old friends. I suppose I should be more specific than that. Seeing old friend you know have missed you too. Rabah comes home in one day.

I'm looking at internships in SF right now.. and I have to say that well.. I'm pretty unqualified for most of them. pretty damn unqualified. I suppose this is where I start to take a whole bunch of marketing, and econ classes, and hope that at the end of the next two? one and a half? years I'm going to know enough.. or seem like I know enough to get some sort payment. I got really indignant when my doctor was like.. you're majoring in English... oh.

Probably shouldn't even be doing that. C+ in Shakespeare. daaaamn. Why do teachers and GSI's count so much for what my final grade ends up as? I can't even retake it to replace that grade. on the other hand, a good solid A in modern Brit/American lit. oofta. I'm a (not so) secret grade whore.

what am I doing with my life?

Tomorrow will tell me many things

Not having a voice makes me realise how much I talk. I talk a LOT. like I have to insert an opinion or a snide comment or something every single time. No wonder I'm always that person who doesn't shut up in section.

I'm home. I'm pretty exhausted. and I have no idea when the rest of my friends are coming back from school... i guess I'll take the next few days to sleep. A lot.

Rabah's homecoming count: 5 days

I've been listening to a lot of Interpol lately.

I just wasted 1.5 hours on Youtube

granted.. i DID read all of "much ado about nothing," "measure for measure" and "Antony and Cleopatra" I think my worst fear about this shakespeare test is memorizing all the freakin dramatis personae for each play. oofta. .. and publication dates...

I have a bad feeling that all of history is going to be left for that 6 hour block between the Shakes and the History final. I can't let myself do that. I can't let myself get youtube distracted, wikipedia distracted or anything else distracted. Thank you for everyone who has in the past changed my facebook password for me to keep me from getting facebook distracted.

AJ and I are gonna go hit up the DOGHOUSE this Saturday just to celebrate the end of all things.

first I have to get through all the things.

I know I said before that if my health held out until last monday... but please please please please... after Saturday. last extension, health I promise.

My first two finals were... ehhhh.... pretty good except for the fact that on each, one of the essays is pretty crappy. I should have re-read to the lighthouse... A- are good. i think.

It snuck up on me, only 8 days until rabah comes back, and well. i'm sort of getting used to the idea of going home in four. FOUR days eesh.

No nap tomorrow Jessica. and I MEAN it... do I call myself Jessica in my head? I think I just refer to the universal "Hey you"

home home home. Podiatrist :X hopefully s/he can give me magical healing powers that i haven't had for the past .. er... 4.5 months. and so I can go snowoarding! and i can Dance! and I can do EVERYTHING

Wishful thinking. Must focus.

alex is making Christmas Cookies

I want to go to his place and eat them.. but nooo.. i have two finals tomorrow.

I should start studying/reading for Shakespeare... i don't know if that's going to happen. I realise I need about a 99% (hahh) in spanish and a 92%ish in 45c. I feel like I can do the identifications/short answers alright for both. but essays are going to be quite shoddy. quite quite shoddy.

I don't know, there's this part of my brain that doesn't want to think about essays anymore (I blame last week) or that's forgotten completely about to the lighthouse. I really hope the text specific essay is on elliot... or beckett. because I'd be kinda screwed if it weren't.

its a good thing Janet took facebook away from me again.

I wish my notes were better.

Next semester, I'm going to read everything. and take good notes- instead of zoning out. I do that too much.

to sleep by 1:00am seems a luxury.

I miss studying with Elana

Need to get this last essay out. It'll get done. Only 7 days until I'm home again. what a scary thought. I'm halfway done with Sophomore year.

I'm eating chocolate covered sunflower seeds from Russia. And drinking coke.

Rabah meter: 12 days- on that note.. birthday present? oofta

Finals are coming... Things I never managed to read (yes, I <3 lists, deal with it)
- Their eyes were watching god
- Wide Sargasso Sea
- Wallace Stevens
- should re-read Quentin/section IV of Sound and the Fury
- All of Bakewell
- All of Sourcebook (though I suppose I can pick and choose based on the prompts)
- Antony and Cleopatra
- Measure for Measure
- Much Ado about Nothing

I think.. I should start reading for this now.... hopefully I'm motivated enough to do that. I need to find a good reading spot (where I don't fall asleep) I think outside would be nice... except i don't have any music to drown out distracting conversations.

I think my Godot paper went well. and this paper will go well.. as long as I freakin finish it. It's just that Damn Shakespeare paper. hopefully she likes it well enough to give me a B and I can rock the final... so basically I can get (hopefully) a B+... stupid grades. They make me worry.

somewhere in the past three weeks I've cultivated an appreciation for R&B... strange.

"I'm here I'm now I'm ready"

My health needs to hold up for these last two weeks, and then it can go to hell if it wants to.

I have half of my Godot essay done, probably only because I made facebook inaccessible. I am listending to "last goodbye" "no one" and "apologize" on repeat.

What's a good unisex white elephant gift?

I told myself that I'd be done with Godot by 3:00am, and then I'd start on something- whatever will be more productive.

This is one of those everything posts

I miss my Rabsies.

Should have done more work this weekend. should have gotten rid of facebook earlier.

when Friday afternoon comes, I'm going to be ecstatic.

I can't decide if I like the new Alicia Keys song or not.

"...and nothing changes"

Back in Berkeley, wasted the four hours that I've been here (see heading- which I bet Kaile is the only who knows what song/band that v. general statement refers to- or when I started to use "v.").

I think the prospect of work has me clearly unmotivated to do anything productive.

My feet are Icy.

I've been thinking recently about writing. And contacting my old teachers. but more so about writing and why I haven't done it in so long. I think it's because I'm being whiny. and I'm sick of writing whiny stories. I'm gonna fix it.

Before I take someone I've missed a lot into a lung crushing hug, I like to stare at them and make sure that they're really standing there. really really. I don't like to let go. Recently I've been slightly obsessed with this secret language of sleep online test thing. I think it's interesting. (I'm a bubble blower, or a colon) One of the questions is "what do you find most unsettling" and one of the choices is "people who hug too long" I'm definitely one of those people. But there's something satisfying in a good hug- Like this person knows how to squeeze all the bad chi out of you... not that i know anything about chi.

There's only 20 days left before my semester is complete. I'm scared.

I didn't get to see Kaile, and Kevin is leaving tomorrow for Arizona.

"Goodnight ladies, goodnight."

only 28 hours left!

And I also think my voice may be getting slightly better. though maybe that's because the most I've talked today is like 5 minutes. Must call the faculty club now.

I think I should be worried about this paper. i think I shouldn't be worried about a lot of other things I'm worried about and I should be worrying about this. but Oh well.

I think it's time for my list of Thanksgiving. I think I'll add as i go:

1. God- for being there even when I forget about him and use him for my own purposes
2. Rabah- Because without you I don't think I could have held this semester together at all. I'm not even counting down the hours til i get home... I'm counting down the hours until i get to YOU.
3. My Family- for not getting annoyed at my AWOL status. And for raising me "right" (if i can say that)
4. Eric- who often fixes my sense of wanderlust with his random popping ups
5. AJ- my late night friend and confidante
6. Dan, Sharla, Donovan, Dianna, David, Cindy and Lyell, for looking out for me
7. My Class at Fic- because they're uniquely a unit, and oh so cute.
8. Alex- for being motherly and a poo-face all at the same time.

I shouldn't be doing this, I don't have time to be doing this

I have 20 pg of Bernarda Alba to go through, I haven't even done my first read through of Gambaro, and I need to go over Dragun too. I don't know any of the terms for this test. and I got a 73% on the last one, so I need to do well. What am I doing at 1:#0 in the morning? blogging, and looking at pictures on facebook. and i know if I turn off my computer I'll just go curl up and fall asleep.

I just keep thinking about going home, and I can't focus on the gagillion things that I have to do before Wednesday afternoon. Or somehow they just don't seem important right now. I think part of it is homesickness, part of it is that there's so damn much, my brain keeps moving form one to the next in an unproductive frenzy, and part of it is that Rubal is going out every night and she doesn't have anything to do because she's not in school right now and I'm still the one who has to initiate anything if it's going to get done at the apartment like bills, and cleaning, and oi. just stop watching your hindi movies and do the dishes just once. please. I think just the juxtaposition between her workload and mine is getting to me.

I sat in the hallway with Dan, Sharla, AJ and David today for an hour or so just talking about nothing. I wish there were time for more of that. but there wasn't even time for that. I don't know what I'm doing right now.

I don't know what I'm ever doing and i'm always behind. I just want to see Rabah. and My Family. and sit down and think "oh looks like I don't have to worry about anything other than what I'm eating tonight. That's not going to happen - probably ever again.

This is a pretty sad post. I can't focus. I really really can't focus.

To-Do before flight 108 at 3:35pm:
- Study for Spanish test
- Spanish Essay (by Mon night so there's time to revise)
- Read Antony and Cleopatra/do question
- pick passage/essay topic for Shakespeare
- if possible write rough draft, bring to OH on Tuesday
- pick essay topic for 45c, outline for easy writing over break
- Senate meeting/ moving waiver
- Q&A for Int class
- yakov meeting
- work on Tuesday

"it's too late..."

A little bit of joy in my life

Previous list from May 2007, can be found here

Every 6 months I try to create a list of things that bring me joy. I haven't thought about this one. I'm giving myself 10 minutes

1. GChat with Rabah
2. Lindy with AJ
3. Hugs. Big ones
4. Rubal's Aloo Parantha
5. Naps in Hearst
6. Late Night Conversations
7. Naps
8. "23" by Jimmy Eat World
9. Dance parties
10. Awkward moments
11. Falling asleep at Ben and Jaime's
12. Hearing the Street cleaners int he early mornings.
13. cancelled meetings
14. waking up and seeing Rubal's cute feet.
15. baking with David/falling asleep while waiting for things to bake at David's
16. Chocolate and spanish studying with Elana

Funny how so much of this list revolves around sleep, and waking up. I DO get to see Rabah before Christmas dafalkdfa I'm so excited. Probably won't get to do much more than hug her and watch her pack, but still. it's concrete. It's been 21 long miserly weeks without my family and my Boo Boo.

time to write a Spanish essay.

life is changing

good things happening.

slowing down.
essays being postponed
seeing people outside of professional relationships

Bad things still:
lack of motivation creeping in
toe
no Rabah until christmas

apparently sleep deprivation inhibits your ability to heal

i dont' know why i'm blogging right now. I'm in that unresponsive phase where I'm not productive (i have an essay due tomorrow), and I can't make myself because sadsflakjadsfsa.

I fell asleep at the ballroom apartments last night doing work. I dreamed i was crying in my sleep, and apparently I was also whimpering in real life. Rubal tells me the same. apparently I talk in my sleep.

I need to get away from all of this. but the sad thing is, is that when I go home, skype insures that I can't get away. It does. damn the internet.

I used to hold onto God and doing well in Ballroom as the two things to keep me going, now I'm just down to one. I guess that's what God's there for isn't it? My toe injury came back. probably no more privates. cherry on top.

I think life is slipping out my window.

Necesito hacer demasiado, pero no se como voy a hacerlo. pienso que es imposible para sola una persona. no me gusta lo que hice ayer al modo de email. dame vida hoy por favor. dame felicidades.

"to die, to sleep,
no more, and by a sleep to say we end
the heartache and the thousand natural shocks
that flesh is heir to..."

to do

hamlet essay
retreat
privates
fix things with alex
spanish reading
sound and fury
look at extra credit for 45c
theater for charity
football fundraiser
church
reading for history
12th night
hide away

can't focus

I have 27 unread messages in my grody emailbox

I'm not going to read any of them until tomorrow. I don't want to see Trineice.. even though I should. and I want to oi. I don't know. wander forever in the time vortex that is the ballroom apartments.

I am going to retreat. I am going to consistently go to church. I am not going to be homesick. I am going to eat healthy. I am going to work out more often. I am going to stay on top of my work. I am going to do all of this by staying out of the time vortex that is the ballroom apartments.

I made pumpkin pie from scratch the other day. It was pretty good. needs some tweakage. but yes.

Jason and Eric carved me a pumpkin. I have named it Stanley. It has a boil coming out of its head.

Want to finish coraline. should write my essay. shoudl go into work more. should buy rhinestones.. and clean out email box.

Want to learn how to make cream puffs. or rabah's mom's graham craker cake. 'tis good. I want to say hi to Rabah's mom and sit in the very Ikea kitchen.. and raid the fridge and be with RABAH.

I also want to see my family. family. I should call them more often.

shoulda. shoulda. shoulda.

got a new fridge today :)

oi. Rounds were a disaster (my fault). Some reason my weight is really non-fluid and funky. I feel drunk, or light-headed, or something. I don't know.

reading to the lighthouse for midterm on Friday, thought I'd share this quote because well.. Rabah knows what I'm talking about:

but Minta still sobbed, all the way up to the top of the cliff. It was her grandmother's brooch; she would rather have lost anything but that, and yet Nancy felt, it might be true that she minded losing her brooch, but she wasn't crying only for that. She was crying for something else. We might all sit down and cry, she felt. But she did not know what for

er.. yeah. I have wanderlust. bad wanderlust. want to go somewhere quiet and peaceful, where the tides can cover me and my grandmother's brooch and we can sail, lose sound, and sleep.

Our new fridge is awesome. it's bigger. and things only freeze in the freezer.

Rubal is awesome too. she brought me pekore from the gurudwara, and makes me aloo parantha in the middle of the night.

Next week will be my week. My week to catch up on school, get in more hours at work, work on my ballroom technique (buy new heel caps for my standard shoes) read faulkner... and sleep. and essay. but sleep first.

To-Do by end of Friday:
English midterm prep:
# Finish Lighthouse
# portrait of the artist
# The darkling Thrush
# I wake and feel the fell of dark, not day
# no worst, there is none, pitched past pitch of Grief
# Second Coming
# a pact
# In a station of the Metro
# oread
# thepool
# sea rose
# garden
# tender buttons
# the oven bird
# birches
# design
# chaplinesque
# repose of Rivers
# Voyages
# poetry
# to a snail
# the Pangolin
# spring and all
# Review: to Elsie (WCW), the fish (moore), easter 1916, leda and swan, Lakeisle of innisfree(Yeats), dickinson, terms to know

Spanish midterm prep:
# hand out sheet
# go over rhyme terms
# lit terms
# poems
# meet with Elana tomorrow?

Lunch/dinner with Michelle/eric

Prep for Calstate

OSL constitution

Alumni House contact

Faculty club contact (to jennifer)

Meeting Agenda

Points budget fixes

Sleep (hopefully)

Do well in comp (hahh)

almost kinda worth it?

placed in 9/10 dances yesterday. pretty awesome.. I don't remember which one is what ranking... but i'm happy. after thinking last monday in rounds, "oh baaallls, we're gonna do horrible." Dan and Sharla came to the rescue, gave us some office hours, gave us, probably more importantly, some confidence, and we did pretty damn well in my book.
I (stupidly) decided to dance for four more hours (after the initial 6 from the comp) at the party afterwards. hahhh.. I can barely move. well.. sort of.
Doing well in comp, and private lessons seem to make up for all the crapola that I go through for the team. I hope it continues to be like that.

need to write spanish essay... must write spanish essay.

must study. focus. focus. focus.

I deserve a bit of random right?

Found this on a lj of a person who was commenting on the lj of Anis Mojgani the poet (in other words, a complete and utter stranger) "These are the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users. Bold what you have read, italicize those you started but couldn't/didn't finish, and strike through what you couldn't stand. Add an asterisk to those you've read more than once. Underline those on your to-read list."


Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude*
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi : a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby-Dick
Ulysses
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre*
A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods**
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran: a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked: the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian: a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault's Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible: a novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D'Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver's Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay*
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela's Ashes : A Memoir
The God of Small Things
A People's History of the United States: 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five**
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake: a novel
Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye*
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics: a Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity's Rainbow
The Hobbit*
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

Wow. there's a hell of a lot of Gaiman on that list.

"it's three am and I want to go to bed"

That post below is kinda grossly whiny. I think before I start work for the morning I'll go back to that Plath passage that still makes me think that maybe I'm going crazy just like Esther Greenwood:

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.
from the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet, and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, an beyond and above all these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

The Bell Jar
must I choose?

must study- focus. focus. focus.

misshapen words

I look through this blog, and my old xanga and I see how I haven't changed very much at all. But if I looks through my fiction, it's so apparent how much I've changed over the years. what used to be important to me, no longer seems to be.

I seem to have an obsession with the song "Near to You" by A Fine Frenzy.. which was given to me by Dearest Rabah, who has a similar affliction. it's.. fitting of my mood these days.

I feel like what I do and who I am are separating, and I don't like that. I don't like it at all. I think... i need time to enjoy what i'm doing.. and that appreciation for the work that I put into things will translate into me a coherent self.

I had a really good talk with Janie the other day. She always reminds me of what God wants. what God is like, and how much He fixes things. I wish I could see her more often.

I wish so many things. I feel so nostalgic.. maybe melancholy is the better word.. but only when I'm alone.. and only when I allow myself to be. When I'm with you, I'm better. I think I may just be homesick. sad that Dharasalam is taking a piece of home away from me.

must study. focus. focus. focus

Words of advice

"Rejoice, young man, during your childhood , and let your heart be pleasant during the days of young manhood. And follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes. Yet know that God will bring you to judgment for all these things. So, remove grief and anger from your heart and put away pain form your body, because childhood and the prime of life are fleeting. Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near when you will say, "I have no delight in them" Ecclesiastes 11:9-12:1

Everything is about balance. You can't go overboard, but at the same time, you must enjoy the present, no Franciscan lifestyle here. I love Ecclesiastes, it's depressing, but still so good. Faith as an anchor for everything else. I need to get back to that.

New Post

I had a really good talk with Cindy this Saturday about Christianity as a religion, versus Christianity as a faith. We talked about how to blend dancing with our faith, and whether those two things were contradictory or not (they aren't). I guess I've been receiving a little bit of stress from that, from what my parents say about dancing, and from the amount of time I spend on it. She said something how practice studios make her feel safe. I'd agree that they're comforting. I like being the first person in 234 with the lights dim and the floors squeaking. It's relaxing when everywhere else, there's tension.
I also had a good dinner with Philip. I have respect for him and I feel like I can relate to him well with how busy we both are. I don't know my FiC class outside of superficial knowledge. I want more than that. Unfortunately, I can admit to the fact that Fic gets pushed aside when other things get busy. Well.. so does God unfortunately. I should fix that.
Connected to that thought, I need to read my Bible more often. I pretty much... don't. what kind of Christian does that make me? a bad one.. and an ignorant one I suppose. That's not who I want to be.
Rabah just sent me a song "Near to you" by a Fine Frenzy.. and I'm not listening to the lyrics much.. but the feeling of the song is hitting the right spot. I've got Wanderlust right now. I just want to drive around and not worry about work right now. I don't want to do anything- but I need to do well on this essay to prove that I can after 45b which was a disaster.
I feel like all the things I'm doing are all things that I love to do (with the exception of maybe work- but my boss makes up for that) but I feel like I'm still trying so hard to prove something all the time. Trying to prove that I can do everything, Trying to prove that I can be a good dancer and make it to finals, Trying to prove, I can handle Dancing, Being President and school, trying to prove that I can teach, trying to prove I'm decent in English, Trying to prove ... everything, I don't know whether it's proving it to myself, or proving it to other people. I think it's a little of both. I think this aspect of everything is grating on me.
I have very few strong friends here. I see people. and I see people more often than others. but I feel like I don't have a very equal, or just.. comfortable relationship with most people. still. I don't know whether being as busy as I am is helping. It isn't. I don't get to see anyone anymore. I'm complaining too much. I'll stop.

I'm ready for a day that isn't ordinary.

I just read Rabah's blog and she says this:

yang said i'm disappearing. i think i am. in the weirdest way. just....disappearing into priorities. disappearing into "can-do-this-all." i'd rather be disappearing into love and comfort and healthy education and bigbelly laughter.

We're in the same place even though we're 1,300 miles away.. I wish we were in the same place physically.

midterm season?

Of course I'm updating at 1am when I should be doing my Shakespeare paper/assignment. oh well.

I need to keep up with reading.. and life in general. and my family. and friends. sometimes I wonder where all my time goes, and how much I "waste" over whatever period of time.

Finished his dark materials series. Was pretty good... probably would have been better if I had read them as a kid to begin with. Also- hard for me to imagine 12 year-olds having sex. Did people have sex when they were 12? Middle school? it seems too young. but I guess Pullman left it deliberately quasi (not really) ambiguous as to whether they actually did or not. No. but what is age anyway other than an arbitrary marker of time?

I'm craving tacos dorados from La Taquieria in the Mission. but do I have money for that? nope.

time for some shakes

BART of conciousness

I had one of those moments today in my modern lit class. Eric (Professor Falci, in this case to not confuse him with friend-Eric) mentioned something in brief at the end of class while discussing Joyce: how the pronoun "I" is both completely specific and completely generic at the same time. Have you thought about that? I never had before, I hate it and love it when something someone else says makes complete sense and I couldn't quite get there myself. its like there's a sense of relief that I finally got there, but disappointment in that I only got there by being nudged.. or maybe even shoved there.

I feel like when I focus on Spanish, my English comprehension skills go to crap and when I focus on English lit, I can't seem to articulate myself in Spanish. then again... I don't articulate in English either- I just use hand motions and noises most of the time. I should work on that- in both cases. stop rambling. get to the point. and use words correctly (unless of course I want to make one up.. probably shouldn't do that either).

To food then history. I've freed up my Mondays (thank god). now hopefully i won't spend the rest of my week catching up to what i couldn't do at the beginning. No more 10-midnight Mondays. woohooooo

Both Rubal and I need to clean up our crap. our apartment is gross.

Fall back

In order to catch up in History, I have to read: Ch 1-5 in Bakewell, and read victors and Vanquished more closely.
In order to catch up in English 45c, I have to read: Hopkins, Hardy and Yeats
In order to catch up in the Shakes, I have to read the sonnets and finish Love's Labours Lost
I'm caught up in Spanish.

when did I get behind? Why aren't Latin America lectures more interesting? the reading is (if I had the time or the energy for it)

Week three.. already have essays coming up....

Do you ever want to call up people you've lost touch with, or haven't talked to in a long time, but think it might be too awkward of a conversation to start? I do it all the time.

I think I need a nighttime adventure.

I have not yet looked closely at hardy, Hopkinds or Yeats, but so far, I like this one (no I am not [yet] an Emily fangirl)best.

"The Brain - is wider than the Sky-
For- put them side by side-
the one the other will contain
With ease - and You - beside-

The Brain is deeper than the sea-
For- hold them - Blue to Blue-
The one the other will absorb-
as Sponges- Buckets- do-

The Brain is just the weight of God-
For - Heft them- Pound for Pound-
And they will differ - if they do-
as Syllable from Sound-"
-Emily Dickinson

Falci noted that Syllables and Sounds don't have any weight to them- they're jsut ideas, how can you weigh them against each other... but then again, is there any weight to God? to the Brain? what is either if not ideas created?

anyway, Hopkins is fun to read out loud... try it sometime

madness

My toe isn't getting any better. it was supposed've to be healed in 6 weeks. adag;iahgggehh... all I want to do is dance so that there's some comfort in the massive amounts of work I have to do. but no, i can't even do a basic rumba walk. or a lock in quickstep because of it. it's so enfuriating, makes me want to cry out of frustration.

today I realised, I have two midterms on the same day (for spanish and english), two essays due on the same day (for spanish and english) and two Finals on the same day.. for what? oh that's right, you guessed it, Spanish and English. I just want to do wellllll in both classes

Emily Dickinson is pretty interesting... never liked her before... but in some ways she's mind blowing and in others, she's still this ordinary recluse, who may have had an easy time thinking outside her shack.

someone's playing pretty good music outside (CCR earlier and now janis Joplin), I think it's down at Kips, maybe just a homeless person with a boom box. (do they call them boom boxes anymore?)

I'm going to go to office hours this semester, and I'm going to write. early reminder: NaNo WriMo is November... got your novel/screenplay ideas rolling? (I don't)

Yesterday I went to an amazing lecture by Michael Watts... sadly, it's nigh impossible i'll get into his class. so I'm sticking with the latin america. the sheer amounts of crap I have to do daily is slowly catching up (I slept a good Twenty Eight hours on sunday), but I'll beat it. With awesome friends like Eric to take me away i sure will.

on a side note, I hope i get into the swing cal.

Okay to do list for tomorrow:

- staple gun/fliers to Sarah
- class
- Contract signing with the Works
- Robert at 3:40
- Sports club meeting at 7
- Make it to rookie DS before it ends
- Give staple gun to Michelle after DS
- Get staple gun from Abhishek
- LAUNDRY
- Read rest of Emily carefully
- Office hours for Chuck (mandatory)
- Matute cuento + example intro paragraph
- Skype Meeting at 10:45

The sad thing I realise, is the only way I'll get to see people is to schedule them in (like robert here).

I have massive mosquito (or something) bites, including one on my face. they itch.

should I do dishes? or sleep?

so it begins.

This thing has become more and more decrepit as time goes on. I should probably just stop blogging all together, just like everyone else, considering, Rabah... and maybe Eric are the only ones who read this anymore. but just because it doesn't have content doesn't mean that it doesn't still have myself enmeshed into it. I guess it's a little piece of Jessica if anyone ever wants some. Maybe that's why I miss reading people's blogs. it's the fast and easy way to keep in touch, or feel like you're still in touch (even if you're not). It's kinda shady. makes me feel like a voyeur, but not in regards to sex, but in regard to other people's lives. I think that might be worse. more personal depending how much they encrypt and how much is blatant.

I'm back into a Neil Gaiman fix. read/watched Stardust, i think it's one adaptation I don't mind, even if the CG was a bit... CG-esque, but I suppose it's that sort of fantasy. They did a good job of turning the book into something movie-able. Finishing Anansi Boys, and then going to quickly read golden compass before I have to start reading the Shakes, or something else for epanish or 45c. Espero que esta chica "Mayra" es tan chida como Dan, o por lo menos como Mary.

Dance party yesterday, need some new moves. learned that "hyphy" was dead. Saw Church kids today, that really made me feel like school was starting.

gonna go back to reading.. as if I won't be doing that for the next 15 weeks...

Summer's over in three days.

I finally have a pair of sunglasses that pass the cheek test! took me long enough. damn my super pudgy cheeks and my infant like lack of a bridge on my nose... but i like them. a lot.. birfday present from Jen, who gave me a gift card.

Final tomorrow. I think ill do okay. hopefully really well, so I can get an A- in the class.

someone is playing blues outside my window... it's not bad, kinda makes me want to go to Friday Night Blues in SF... but I don't have the time, or the money for that. I want to try and get some of my church friends to learn how to lindy or something, it would be fun to go to a club in a big group.

I saw a girl today wearing a Darfur shirt like it's a brand name... i can't decide whether that disgusts me or not.. i think part of me hates it and is repulsed by it, and the other part of me thinks that making human rights causes into fashion statements sells whatever it is you're selling to raise money, and therefore, you get more money for the cause? I don't know.

I say por eso a lot when I speak in Spanish... maybe I shouldn't... becuase it's not direct cause and effect statements and such. I dunno.

I raise my glass to the last days of summer... and Yang coming tomorrow!

Deathly Hallows, Brownies, Ballroom

Harry Potter is interesting. I've noticed for the last three books, that I enjoy them after I've let them marinate a while. initially, it's entertaining, and just that. but later, it's nice to see I can appreciate them on a level that's at least somewhat deeper than that. 7... I'm not sure yet, i think I have to read it another couple of times before I can really say whether I dislike it or like it. I don't think I hate it.. but it isn't my favorite either. she's stepping away from black and white, but then again.. she's becoming more hollywood with Snape, and Hermione and Ron.... I won't say more until later.

Been making batches of brownies with David and tweaking the Alton Brown recipe to make it better. apparently they're better cold.. but they're always gone before it gets there. another batch tomorrow.

I wish there were more time to read.

should I be a Spanish minor?

I HAVE INTERNET!!!!!!

yayyy... I need to pull a Ben though and tape all my wires so they're not right infront of my door... and get like ten jagillion surge protectors. how many things can you plug into one plug thingy safely? I don't know. but I think i'm going to find out soon.

I used to like shopping. Slightly dissapointed in Safeway... but the Berkeley Bowl... yayyy... its like...producegasm. I bought something called a Mango Nectarine.... it was super expensive.. but I had to try it. I didn't believe my mom when she said food was expensive.. uy. I know why she's said that. I blame it on the produce.

I shoudl be at practice. but I'll start going this up coming week once things get settled in.

Back In Berkeley

I can see Sausalito and the Golden Gate Bridge from my apartment. I like to eat dinner on my floor (becuase I don't have chairs)with my door sized windows open watching the sun set. my apartment is way cool.. and seems... bigger when all my stuff is in it.. wierd huh? like when it's empty and just feet of carpet, you don't really get the sense that all your stuff (and Rubals) can fit into that measly 480 square feet.. but it's so worth it. I'm just glad they don't make you pay more for the view.

I've decided to stop using plastic bags, and carry/fill my own cloth totes. usually the cashiers give you strange looks, but it's nice- like I'm sure that my bag won't rip and send everything falling through.

I have no shelving, no drawers, but I do have a really awesome kitchen space. small.. but awesome... partly becuase of mom... partly because of Eric...

Hopefully, once I start dancing again, all this work for Ballroom will start to pa off, and I'll enjoy it again.

I need internet. yesterday I got lucky and somehow accessed Airbears (school network) from my bed. not so lucky today. so I'm sitting infront of our (locked) library... kinda sketchy... but it'll do.

I love this place.. but I miss colorado's people. :(

so much stuffffff to dooooooo

Ugh. so I come back from Chicago and suddenly a gajillion (and that's a lot) of things start popping up that I have to do. People to call, places to go, things to pack, emails to write...

it seems like we're not much closer to getting social class space than we were three weeks ago. it's so frustrating.

I need another day. I should have bought my books for the summer before I went to Chi-town. how stupid of you Jessica.

I wish I were in Argentina.

"Flew over Alaska... "

not really.. just the good ol' Midwest.

Leaving tomorrow, gonna be back on sunday. I said I'd see a lot of people again.. which is goign to be crazy.

I should be buying my books already for class, huh.

okayyy focus on packing.. why does my room always look like a hurricane's blown through it post-packing?

'nother short post.

I'm really thirsty.

my jaw is infected... sexy eh?

I'm back on antibiotics, couldn't eat yesterday, played ultimate today- almost died for lack of breath.... i don't know whether that's two weeks of doing nothing but sit on my ass, or whether that's because my body's stressed out from infecction.

I have this habit of stretching out words when I type them. is it annoying?

short post.

I feel gross.

drink up me hearties

I've had a full week. I love being home. but as always I feel a pull between spending time with my parents... even if we're just in the house together. and going out with friends... which always happens to cost money (which I'm trying to save) so... yeah. also have to keep track of when everyone's leaving and see them before they do.

Life is pretty good right now. I saw Pirates yesterday and bakes cookies with Kaitlin... thought it was pretty good except for the giant Tiadalma... and I totally called a whole bunch of plot devices throughout the series. hung out with Sharla and Cindy in Boulder, Red Robin and B&N with Joyce (where I proceeded to buy a book [Amazing adventures of Kavelier and Clay] she had been recommended.. got to talk to Eric, starbucks with Rabah, ultimate...

I like home because everything is safe, and how it used to be. maybe it's that I don't really meet new people here.. or I don't really have to see people I dont' want to see... but it's nice. v. different from Berkeley- where I don't know (most) people. it'll change. Can you have two homes? Berkeley feels like home, it feels permanent. but Denver feels familiar. like I can navigate it with my eyes half shut and be fine. Like the skies should always look this big and different all the time. and the mountains should always be visible and recognizable.

I want to see Wicked...

So my top teeth are fine.. but my lower jaw is still swollen and funky.. and i feel like I can't close my mouth, because i'lll bite into my cheeks or sometime... and my mouth feels really small.. and immobile. I want to eat crunchy things.

I'm getting out of this house tommorrow, for sure. Alison's graduation party, possibly some disc. and then church and possibly Boulder on Sunday. I just have to get my parents to stop worrying.

I'm coming to realise that I probably shouldn't start working the day after I get back to Berkeley, and I should give myself time to set up things like internet and electricity and stuff... ehh.... no. I like working. Makes me feel like i'm doing something useful, even though I'm not quite sure I'm doing things right.

Being stuck at home makes me realise how boring I am. I sit on my computer, or I watch movies or cartoons or something.. and I still want to eat crunchy things.

I've been rereading American Gods- I don't know why but I think it's the one-liners that always get me, whether it's in a song, book or movie, It's those little glimpses of wit and insight that get me... then of course there are always the ones that try but never quite get there. But Neil Gaiman always manages to.

Wicked in Denver's sold out, but hoepfully, oneday it'll get to SF, and I can go see it there.. and maybe Rent one more time, and maybe phantom too. i could go on.

I want to drive and drive and not go anywhere.

Okay my lists are getting a little bit ridiculous.. i know.

Buttt.... one more. Things to do before I leave CO

1. POTC with Kaitlin
2. Wisdom teef
3. Ultimate?
4. Tea and Crumpets?
5. CHipotle (old one of course)
6. Starbucks with Rabsies
7. see "the group" (sorta)
8. See joe, Yang, Lauren, Anandi, Ildae, Alison... and other who don't fit into "the group"
9. golf with the pops
10. golf with the foote? / wills? /ady?
11. noodles with Kaile
12. swing dancing?

sounds good so far. I may have wasted a day by slouching around the house.. which i get to do for the next week or so when I'm drugged up and will have cabin fever.. one because i don't want people seeing me with chipmunk cheeks.. and two because my mom probably won't let me leave the house.

Then it's back to craziness.

I should probably start forwarding email all into one box... but what's the fun in that?

Home is good so far. My calves are huge (and getting bigger) and I am no where near the flexibility i should be... but that's what watching TV is for- stretching and doing rise/fall exercises. I'm a dork.

I want to see people. I have from the 28th to the 14th. ready... go!

list of joys

it's a little over six months... i said i'd be better about making that deadline. the last one is here
the one before is here
and the first is here

1. late night conversations
2. giving head massages
3. meeting people randomly on the street
4. reverse turns in Samba (done correctly)
5. sriracha
6. inside jokes
7. gchat with rabah
8. cards that really mean it
9. laughter
10. the word "beautiful"
11. thoughts on the concepts of "home" and "love"

this one seems a lot more abstract, or action based, rather than thing based like my last ones.

but that's that.. for now. November 2007 for the rest.

Alex called me an emo kid for having a blog.

so I'm super done and checked out.

which means it's time to start packing.. signing leases... and as Ian says pimping some bitches

there better be tea and crumpet action when I get home- even if everyone has jobs.

I almost slept through my final today.. but it's over with and i never have to read any of this crap again. and I can move onto awesome stuff like Don Quixote, Marquez, Wallace, and other contemporaries... maybe I SHOULD concentrate in spanish lit? would make things easier

I get to eat in sf with Dan (my spanish GSI) que dreamy. jk... my whole class is getting taken out to "lo mejor taqueria en San francisco" it'll be grand. Jaime says that my spanish got a lot better... here's to not forgetting it in a month.

I'm again in a list-y mood. so for the summer- all thing things I never fully got around to:
1. Infinite Jest
2. God of small things
3. Cien Años de soledad
4. McSweeneys Literary Review
5. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
6. Transmetropolitan
7. Through the Looking Glass

to start.

i think i'll read some transmet now.

Lists, it always comes back to Lists.

1. English paper rough draft
2. English paper final draft
3. Namesake
4. other linguistic articles
4+. Lost in Translation (eva hoffman)
5. interview transcriptions
6. Linguistics paper planning
7. Linguistics paper first draft
8. Linguistics paper final draft
9. HOUSING (app in)
10. furniture?
11. Storage (thank you eric)
12. Decal faculty sponsor
13. Language War
14. Finish the following:
- BF's Auto
- Epistle to Arbuthnot
- Browning Poems
- Great Expectations
15. mail program
16. Linguistics Review (wed or Fri)


hahh... seems like I'm taking up unecessary space with 3-7 becuase ultimately they're for the paper.. but being able to cross things off makes me feel like I'm getting things doen (plus its all time consuming)

after this next monday, I have to finish all my half read books of the semester. But linguistics paper first.

edit: a gagillion down.. one to go

I seem to be pretty complacent in my last post

can I say now that I'm not? and it's stressing me out a LOT?

housing?
ballroom?
grades?


oishkies. atleast my job is out of the way.

I just want pattern. and good people. seems like at the same time every year I get annoyed.. there's no good word in englihs for it it's just.. too 답답헤 I don't know.

okay jessica. english paper first. then linguistics.

and then life. and hope rubal's doing something with hers.

I have a problem with prioritizing. I tell myself what I should be focusing on most. but I don't seem to want to do it in that order. time to preorder Harry Potter.

I want some away time- I think the reason I like spending time with Eric, is that he's separated from everything bringing me stress. oishkies.

can I sleep forever? maybe things'll be better when monday's over. too long. too long.

but somethings that's been solved, I now work for the sponsored projects office. nice.

pending

I think I might have a job (maybe) otherwise I've been sending out me sadly lacking resumes for office assitant positions across campus. hopefully, hopefully this comes through. but it's really hard to get a job i think when i'll be gone for a month at the beginning of semester.

Hopefully I'll be able to work full time for the summer. that would seriously make my day- if i'm making my own money. I hope in the future, I'll be able to at least help my parents out by paying for utilities in my apartment (which i'm still waiting on) and by paying for vacations, extra stuff and ballroom myself. as soon as I find out how often I can work and how much i'm going to be paid, I'm going to sit down and start saving as soon as the money comes in. I know how fast it can be spent unless I make a concious effort not to.

so. otherwise... the Berkeley Classic is on saturday, boat dance is today and lindy at night is on friday. so lots of dancing this weekend :)... and a lot of work too.

I'm scared for our DeCal, I hope it goes through, I hope we can get a faculty sponsor, and I hope that I get workstudy (and thus dont' have to pay taxes :))

I'm not ready for the competition. but I'm glad things are slowing down extera curricularly for the rest of the semester so I can focus on writing these papers... which... i need to focus on writing these papers.

i wish it came easy to me... but then, doesn't everybody?

things jessica needs to do- get some cardio, build up her ankle strength, as well as her arches, DO HER FREAKING PAPERS, decal, housing, job...

looks like a lot of things are in flux.

EDIT: I have a JOB interview!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) : ):) :):):) okay that's enough.

I want to be able to pop and lock.

I just watched the movement showcase. and well.. yeah.. hip hop is so different from ballroom.. but it's legit in its own right.

I haven't updated in a long time. but... you know.. so it goes.

Recently I watched a movie 'Brick' with Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Noir goodness, with lines lifted straight from Hammett... and.. and... It's gotten into my top five movies.

There's a part in it where he says "you're the only thing I love" and just the concept of that. not even only person. being the sole vessel for the love of one human... who knows whether it was true or not for the character, but... just that thought. Do I want that? hardly... it's too intense for me. but still... some part of me wants it. but alas, such is the power of the movies.

I've the room to myself for the weekend. feels like March again.

Once again I'm updating at a time when I have none (time that is)

my essay has turned into a weird mutated form of a five paragraph essay (growing three feet and a wing) and its pissing me off. I doubt my spanish essay will be much better.

My problem is.. when i fall asleep- i stay asleep.

it feels earlier than it is. a lot earlier- maybe becuase it's still bright outside- and yet it's 7 o clock. Rubal's asleep and my leg is also falling asleep becuase i never use my chair anymore. I want to SEE people i haven't seen other than a passing 'hi' or a 'we'll see eachother later' it's been two or three weeks. but no- i have to get through this weekend first.

hopefully I'll be able to hold it together tonight.

Damn the ballroom comp this weekend.

i'm on a Guster kick

my last night in town and I spend it writing an essay- i can say I have a (i hope) pretty damn good intro paragraph- now i just have to make the rest of my essay as good. I got a lot less work done than I wanted.. but i suppose So it goes.

I like inside jokes.. or at least people who understand you when you reference really obscure things... means you've shared something.

I made dinner with Kaitlin yesterday for ourselves and her parents- they said they had never liked falafels before :) glad we coudl spread the love.- I want to COOK always.. and have the time to make ridiculous gormet meals and feed people.

I saw lots of friends who could be considered "good people" as Kaile woudl say... though I didn't see as many as I could have, but So it goes.

I think my head's on straighter than it has been in a long time. maybe not as straight as i'd still like it to be (i've still got some kinks to work out) but... i think spring break worked out- as much work as there was, I had enough time to relax a little.

I shoudl be collecting my things that i leave across the house... I started saying that Berkeley is home.. and that I'm just coming back to colorado. I think I grew out of this hom faster than my sisters did. maybe that's what it is to be youngest- you get left so often you leave quickly yourself.

I need a deep breath before April starts.

::Deep Breath::

I don't Blog when I'm really enjoying life.

Last week was awesome. It went by too fast though. rabah and I did a lot, but still there's more- planet juice, asia SF, the brazilian stand, cordornices park, etc. you other people should come down to the WEST COAST and hang out. we need love too.
I saw Stanford for the first time in about four years. I think palo alto would be a cool place to hang out, or to discover, but Im glad I didn't get accepted there - I dont' think i would ave been as happy withthe people or with the envoronment as I am at Berkeley. It's funny, thinking of all the schools I've visited and not really feeling like I would be good there. There are some schools like Columbia where I can see that other side, where life would be different but jsut as good, but at the same time... I like Berkeley. I like it a lot. It's a good balance of city, people and school.
So I'm at home. I'm going to need to work really hard. (hence I'm on the internet righ tnow wasting time) hahhh as always. it'll be interesting trying to write a paper from home. It seems so long ago. but that's the plan. English paper, Linguistics interviews, MCB studying, possibly a little bit of spanish studying as well. but mostly the first two.
More recently people have been telling me I act older. I've never been told that I act like how my age tells me I should act- it's always older or younger, but never spot on. I wonder about that. I only have about 20 days left of 18.. (not that that changes much) but.. I don't know. it was such a rush getting to this point- of 18 years of age. but It's not really anything.

what to do on my birthday? hmm...

April's going to be an interesting month- I have to look for housing, a job (oishkies), finish school strong and hope to god that my schedule works out for next year... it's like.. I HAVE to get these specific classes, or else my enitre schedule is messed up.

hopefully my life will seem less in transition after april.. and I have a place to live for the summer. I never did lik ethe mmonth of april- it seems so long in terms of things that need to get done in that short amount of time.

This break I'm hoping to see old friends, and get some good ol work done.

I like snow patrol... and andrew bird.

I think i've stagnated.

I think i've been quite obsessed with Neil Gaiman and JD Salinger for... atleast all of highschool. and I think to myself- what does that mean? maybe, I'm just not that intrepid at experimenting with literature, or maybe that just means that I've found my loves and well... that's what its going to be.

Eric and I were thinking of teaching a DeCal- but yeah... which? or what?

I miss Joyce. She always made me want to be more creative. and I think she did.

I'm ready for this next weekend to come. It's going to be glorious.

Five days to an early holiday

Peach-o's are delicious

I want to get really good at spanish. I don't know why. there are plenty of people who are fluent in both languages, and I'll probably never get fluent fluent. but i guess it's one of those things i really want to do.

i'm having a hard time focusing on Wuthering Heights. I have to say it's better this time, than it was last time i read it in like 9th grade. I guess i just understand it better now. but still... I've got transmetropolitan, and maus and they're distracts... that's right.. I splurged.. again. and bought maus- but it was used. so both books were prettymuch for the price of one. so that's okay. i finished the first. i'm going to move on to the second

i've been taking ridiculous naps lately.

i need to buy dvds and burn some from dc++ before i don't have DC++ anymore... yeah. that'll be good.

i want to switch my old feet out for new feet. new pretty feet. I have like ten million blisters right now. it's not fun.ungh ungh ungh ungh ungh

I'm ready for spring break. really ready.

I lose something everytime I clean

SO I have my own room now until after spring break. Rubal's in INDIA. for a MONTH. hahhh... she's funny.

but unfunnily, I LOST MY ID i dont' know what happened to it. again. i said i wouldn't lose it this semester. le sigh. maybe it'll be okay because I'll only have to pay 30 bucks for the class pass becuase half the semester is already gone. oofta. it jsut dissappeared.. between the laundryroom and here. here being my room.

but. My room is finally clean. i jst have to put my laundry away. I really dont' want to.

this is a boring post.

I can't believe I did it again.

but I have a LIST of things I want to do with rabahhh when she gets here. it'll be v. excitting.

I'm woozy.

I thought i had slept for something like 14 hours today.. but really it's only like 9... so actually it isn't that bad. my eyes are pulsating though... i dont' think that's good. I have to.. urgghhh... escribir en espanol. poo... pooo... poo..

I should still be squishing.

I worry too much.


is it bad if I take another nap?

I felt v. non indian yesterday- and I have the doot da doot da doot da doot da of bhangra beats in my head.

I want breadsticks.

I'm squishing down into midterms

so in my usual procrastinatory post, I have a linguistics midterm tomorrow, spanish homework due tomorrow, a bio midterm review sheet due tomorrow (for extra credit i'll probably need) a bio midterm on friday, an English paper due on the 1st, my English GSI isn't emailing me back about meeting with me becuase he didn't have office horus this week, and well... we have another spanish paper to start working on. OOFTA.

I've been listening to a lot of music though. I don't knwo if my Ipod on shuffle jsut likes Five Iron Frenzy, or if it's jsut the fact that I have so much Five Iron Frenzy on my Ipod that it comes up as often as it should based on ratio. People look at me funny when I bob my head to my music. It's just that they can't hear it :) but that's okay, I'm used to being looked at funny.


Things I want to do but have no time (or money) to do: blues dancing. Infinite Jest. sleep. sf. more specifically city lights. transmet. discover food places.

Shakira is waayyy too hot. I want to be able to move my body like Shakira. she's mesmerizing.

okay working. working. working.

We did a lot back then. what are we doing now?

A lot of my friends are together right now in New York. Lauren, Yang, Anandi, Rohini, - I kind of really wish I were with them.

It's so different here. at home, there are too many people I want to see, and not enough time to have one on one time with them, but here... I think I have friends of circumstance. or we're in that awkward stage just before being able to call people up randomly, or hang out randomly.

I suppose I need some alone time too.

I think Sam may be leaving. according to Mike, I get to have dinner with him on the 27th. we'll see. I should try to see Mike sometime- maybe go up to Sac with Rubal one time.

Want everything to flow. and not have to try. or be worried, or anything. I think I'm always worrying, or always thinking, or always tense. I dont' think I'm as bad as some people, but I still need to learn how to let go.

I want to be around people I would truly miss if they were to leave. I want to see Charlie, Kristine and Rusty again. It was funny how Harvard worked out. how we can pick up the same, we don't really have to know about everything in each others' lives because well... our friendship isn't based off of telling events in our lives, what happened everyday, rather there's soemthing more than that. It's the same with Rabah. but it's hard to get there. you know?

I always sound unhappy in my blog. but I'm happy. I live well, I'm learning right? sorry for complaining so much at you, but well... I suppose that what it is to be american- never any satisfaction.

"I tried to convince you not to go home"

I like how this song (looking back on today) only reminds me of joyce- despite how sappy it is, I don't relate any of these overtly cheesy lyrics to any of the male gender.

I miss joyce- she's an explorer.. much moreso than me. it'd be nice to have her here and we could go exploring together. I don't get to see her much.

No more electrical taped flip flops for meee... i can no longer feel the ground through the heel of my shoes... i'm happy. Old navy changed their flip flops.. i cant decide whether it's for thebetter or not.

I'm listening to oldies but goodies...song I would listen to through high school and middle school. damn... so many good memories. Tom Petty reminds me of summer - well american girl does. and Matt singing really drunkenly at danika's house. .. it might have been Rob's... i think it was Danika's.

I periodically miss the people I never would call up to talk to- like Lani, or Kris Becker- I used to drive Lani home after Key club- and we'd have good times int he car- or good conversation in the car, but we never made an effort to hang out outside of it. and Kris- so random. and good so good at music. I miss seeing that look on his face when he relaly gets going... he was soulfull.

I like Nick Drake's voice. if you look at him, he doesn't look like his voice would be this clear and mellow- he looks like a screechy off key emo kid.

It's time to stop meandering this semester and really work. hehhhhh

The Cure reminds me of Joe

I'm procrastinating again. reading to do. but not interesting reading to me. I don't know. THings'll get better outside of 45b i hope. i really hope. i like how in this font the numbers get lowered a little bit. I always liked that about old books, the numbers are all skewy.

If you couldn't tell from my last post, i'm relaly excited about harry potter coming out... reallly really... but if i stay here over the summer, then I'm going to have to get the book from here aren't I? hrmm..... ack.. and I'll have the opposite delemma- i'll get it four hours later than the people on the east coast. pooooo. oh well.

so yeah. I'm probably going to end up staying here over the summer and working here in SF. minimum wage is higher.. and i'll probably have to pay rent on my apartment for sumemr anyway so there's no point in paying for an empty apartment right? and i'll get spanish 4 out of the way- so if I want to graduate in three years I can with a Minor in Spanish. I shoudl really plann this out better.

yes. Life planning. that's what I need to do. more like guidelines than actual rules becuase there are of course things that I can't control like whether or not I get hired or what. but at some point, iternational school somewhere preferrably someplace like argentina or something- i should take some history of L. America classes. hrmm.. Spain woudln't be too bad either... or Africaaaa.... but i knwo my parents will say "it's dangerous don't go there" hrm... but Mossadeq didn't get started in his revolutionary ideas until his father in law (the higher priest) had passed away... so maybe i shoudl do that when no one is worrying abotu me anymore.

I talked to my Spanish GSI for a good while yesterday.. it was fun. he told me of a good taqueria on mission and some good bakeries around there... i think it's time to explore SF soon.

the job thing is turning out to be a dud. really. I NEED a job. damn workstudy and such... pooooppp..

I'm using modpodge to fix my earrings tha are breaking.. hahh.. creative.. i only hope that it sticks. seems to be working fine. i don't know.. i think i'm slightly allergic to nickel or whatever they use in cheap earrings, or pewter.. so if i leave them in for a long time, my earses kind of ache a little.. but if i put my white gold ones back int they're okay.. hrmmm... yeah.. doesn't stop me from buying earrings..

I've been in a shopping mood lately... i need shoes.. i really really need shoes all of mine are falling apart. but i have no money. jsut a gift card to macys... hrmmm.. :D that'll be part of my excursion to SF

I want to learn how to lift my left eyebrow.. i used to pride myself on being able to move my face symmetrically. yesh. symmetrically.

I'm in the mood for vulgar kerouac style (though i'm never read kerouac) books.. about drugs and tennis.. and guns and mexico. not about girls moving to vancouver. funny- i enjoy reading books whos protagonists are male but i write about female heroes. hrmmm.... maybe i'm jsut made out to not like my own writing. hahh.. I think by the end of the summer i'll send something to McSweeneys.. and possibly oter magazines.. but that means a stronger discipline from me. more output. (whichh also means more input)

So by sunday i'm going to have a plan. a backbone of a plan. sorry rabah for usinghte owrd PLAN so much. guidelines. not stoney

38 days.

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS ON JULY 21st!

yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weird shin soreness hmmm

apparantly more people have been updating blogs than I expected.. i need to find time to read those now.. shouldn't be too hard.

I still need a job. and no where in the berkeley area is hiring. reallly... it really sucks.

evaporated soy sauce looks really disgusting... like burnt coffee or something.

My GSI (TA) for my linguistics class is on the berkeley ballroom team, cool, she talks really fast... i like that I can follow her. and I'm officially in spanish 3 no more wishy washy department rules.. yayyy.. I'm going to get fluent.. and posibly a minor (double majors i hear are pointless?). hahh

yeahhh so life. how do I do life again? do I even know?

I remmeber not so long ago I said i would read more and write more.. either a chapter or a page or something aday. have I been doing that? bad jessica.. all te time you spend refreshing pages could be spent doing something productive.

none of my GSI's have office hours I can attend. poo..

I'm simultaneously reading Vernon God Little and Infinite Jest and they're mixing in my head.. i don't know what to do about that.

foxtrot.... yesh.. gotta get better... costumes? too expensive.. relaly wish I coudl go to harvard for the allroom comp.. but sadly.. no. oof. money.. always money.. poooo faceeee

I'm really sleepy. waking up early makes me tired. all the time. ungh. okay. Time to get better.

off to stretch, and possibly read somethign that's been assigned.

I'm going to need some help this semester.

I think the only class I truly enjoy right now is Spanish.. and that's only becuase my GSI is cool.. the department is so.... rulesy. oye. English is going to be simply put, 'oofta' and linguistics just seems like a less interesting version of TOK. immunology is alright...

It's funny hanging out with koreans.. because it's so hard to get anywhere becuase someone is always in the bathroom, or talking to someone else.. or blah blah blah and well... yesh. that's why we hang out in parking lots.

I got to swing today. in people's park.. hahhh it was good, not the peaceful type of swinging.. more fun and people oriented.

I'm finding myself more introverted this semester... i guess that's where life took me.

i need a title.

I had been thinking I should update this for a while... i just didn't relaly have anything to say.

It's hard digesting a lot of food.

Isn't It wierd how people take priority with no regard to logic? I suppose some people force it to be logical.. or logical coincides perfectly with their true feelings, but for me.. I don't think it has in a long while...

I realise a lot that someday I want to be able to look at myself and look at my Ideal self and find that they match up- Seymour Glass said something in Hapsworth 16 1924 along the lines of.. "it is rotten and worrisome to have two voices" and well.. as of now.. i have maybe seven or so running around in my small brain of sorts. it'd be nice to converge them.

I suppose this will be a short post.

I still relaly don't have that much to say in this form.. I'm in more of a personal mood these days.