Because It's Usually about You

Kaile has always kept me writing. whether it was reluctantly on my part or just from the inspiration, she's been a part of it always. I guess this post is because of her's on xanga... well part of it is... she made me want to write something.

Tonight's been wierd. I said goodbye to Zuk and Hawley and C. and you know, well, I know i'll see them again.. but I feel like I"ll see them from different eyes next time. it's not going to be the same. we'll have a separate relationship. I can't see me out of high school.... that grown up. I can't believe my mother is 50, and I can't believe we just graduated. seems like a sick joke to me.

I'm ready to keep doing things my way, and screw everybody else. but you know you influence me anyway.

I have this little doodle infront of me that I cut off of a chemistry worksheet when I was throwing stuff away. it is a picture of two UFO's beaming up a person holding a banana, being eaten (butt first) by a snake on a floating branch... with a giant toucan watching.. as well as a flock of red blood cells (or really far away UFOs) I'm going to keep it forever because it reminds me of Ian.. though, it IS in pencil.. and I hope it doens't fade away.

Tomorrow's going to be fun. just because there'll be good music and people I like. no scratch that.. people I love.

what is a jackalope? and how many exist?

and I was never good at goodbyes.

If you could only see how blue her eyes could be...

I watched Garden State again. It's one of those movies you have to watch at night, or else it doesn't have that magic to it.

Kinda like how Nick Drake sounds better at night.

My sisters left today. It always seems so empty when they leave... with voids of silence.

I'm a needless worrier. I worried before I went to SSP last year, and this year I'm worrying (probably needlessly) about College and Korea. maybe I should have chosen Northwestern? but I don't think so. I can't think like that already.. it's too late for it anyway.

Why is it that lighter colored eyes are so striking? No one says 'if you could only see how brown her eyes were...' or... 'those are some pretty intense black eyes' we blackies (and brownies) got played.

Why is it that people always want what's hardest to obtain? The asians... who definitely tan easily like the white porcelain skin, and the females go to all extents to get it.. where as the caucasians... who definitely can keep their white procelain skin want the tan glow? On that note.. at the rate I'm tanning (while wearing a lot of sunscreen I might add) I'm going to be wrinkly and 60 by the time I'm 40.

but screw that. While I'm here, I'm gonna play soccer with the church kids, hopefully play some disc on wednesdays after tea and crumpets, and get some golf action on... and probably get browner by the day.

I won't worry my life away

I got some graduation bling, two days?

My sisters are coming in tomorrow

Rusty Mason is coming into town on the 5th of August.. er.. rather I get to see him on the 5th of August. :o) Last time I saw Big Rustic was August 19th 2005

No more Korea drama.

Watermelon is Goooooood, and right now that kimchi smell is permeating the house (b/c my mom is making it).. which is, in a disgusting way, really appetizing.

I have a person (or two) I know going to my school next year

I'm in my summer groove alread

If you didn't know, the title is Jason Mraz style.

I've been talking about Rabah a lot I know.

But that's what happens when you hang out with someone a lot. we decided one of her south african friends from camp and I are two parts to the same soul... because apparantly I tell her and ask her the same stuff he does. we are not 'soul mates' as in meant for each other, but.. we are the same person.. except he's south african, muslim, and likes hats, and I'm korean, christian, and likes-hats-but-thinks-they're-too-trendy-to-wear.

and by that i mean I think some of the really cool hats are way too catchy for me, and I kinda like to express personality through clothing through colors.

but really. I've always wondered whether there was someone in the world in a completely different environment that acts the way I do, and talks the way I do, just in their own language. I think there is. Have you found You yet?

I apparantly march to the beat of my own drummer. That's good that people think so, because sometimes I'm afraid to look ridiculous, so then I get more obnoxious and try to make myself un-selfconscious.

I played soccer yesterday for the first time in years, I'm not BAD at playing D, and I saw a lot of old faces form the korean church network that I haven't seen for years.

Tuesday's coming did you bring your coat?

It's time to smile.

different

I hung out with josh and nick today.. it was.. refreshing.. and you could only kinda tell i was the odd (wo)man out. probably because I don't understand WOW.

We're checked out kids... and not in a 'hey baby' type checked out as in DONE... go to my links and refer to Rabah's post 'Check' for specifics.

two days ago, I was driving down I225, and this guy on a motorsyle, doing about 80, passes me, looks back at me, pops a wheelie going 80, stays like that for about 150 yards, and then looks back again at me. show off.. and he's going to kill himself.. I never was able to do a wheelie on my bike.

tomorrow's Prom. it's a little bittersweet, but, hey i'm excited (doesn't seem like it's tomorrow) vamos a bailar amigos!

" I was been told, you'll never grow old, if you live your life too fast.
But I don't need to rest, I'm not old and tired, but I've been through fire and I've seen enough,
and I might never be the same again, but have you seen my friends, they're just the same.
Well come on, well come on, hon' get up and dance with me yeah.
Well no more, well no more blue days and lonely years. "

it's a wrap!

it's funny how rabah and I of all people got addicted to starbucks... i think other than Yang, we were the least likely. but it happened. we recognize the workers, I think they recognize us, and they have to kick us out almost everynight. I've been hanging out with her a lot. we've been turning into each other... i think that's good for me... i dont' knwo how she feels abotu that.

I just have half a physics final and a history packet to do... and a blow off Creative writing period to go to. then i'm done.

AP chem was pretty easy.

it's sad that I dont' see everyone that I want to see anymore.

because i'm listening to it:

"excuse me but i think you made a mistake today.. you called me a chink today..
if you want use the proper racist term... dont' call me a chink... don't call me a chink..
better yet don't call me anything..."

this guy tried to pick us up today. it was really awkward and badly done. no points for creativity.

Ian's model pose is the best one i've seen yet. move over Top Model... Ian Nappier's coming through.

I done.

Like he said.

Ildae told me sometimes we just gotta sit around and drink water with our friends. except it was four pumps of that syrup with ice and probably milk... which I think the guy charged me for the wrong drink... because it's a dollar more expensive than yesterday.

Funny how i've gone to starbucks... 5..? times since may started. I feel like Tests are melting my brains into goop and that's why i need my iced chai that's SUPPOSED to cost me 2.47 to keep that goop from sloshing out of my ears.

Lit Magazine came out today.. cop one if you want to.

I have a(n almost) blank page (it has two blue splotches. what can I do here?

I shoudl probably study for history huh.

I'm ready for it. but not read for that.

I don't understand how people can unmix their emotions. they're happy. or their sad. but never both. The want to. Or they don't. but never both. me.. I'm always both. at elast usually always.

I feel like aroudn this time of year I always feel like I need to be published.. or taking steps to get published... or else I'm wasting time.. and it's always aroudn this time of year I realise how much the people I've been aroudn for the past school year have influenced me.

I gotta do me some Ray Chandler.

last improv show? anyone? anyone?

Lemme Tell ya...

Dear IB,

I'm not gonna freakin call people about your tests.
It's not that big of a deal- chill out.

love,
000631-055

---

Dear Gateway Coaches,

suck it for not accomodating some strict IB policy,
and for not getting tee times out til the Friday before.
You're sabotaging Smoky Hill.

love,
Jessica

---

Dear Physics-In-General,

You're ruining my life.
I never want to see you again after Wednesday.
Why you got to be so egocentric?

Love, Jessica

Oh Jackie...

Listen to Breakdown by Jack Johnson.

it is great.

see you never.

Can't take it

Like I said to Rabah. being stressed out makes me moody and emotional and I can't take critisism. Save it for when I"m done with everything.

I've been having very vivid dreams for the past two days about tests and regionals. I'm thinking way too much about regionals. I'll be happy when this next week is over.

I'm going to go hide in my bathtub.

It seems like I've been on the verge of tears way too many times this past week.

happier post later. I'm not an emo kid.

Old man Time

so. I have so many to do lists running through my head it's becoming a jumble of lkafk;jasdfyhioawerhk. Seeing daylight and people have become secondary to my headless chicken routine.

This weekend, I have to go over Beloved, East of Eden and 100 years, learn me some physics, history and go golfing- a lot.

To go to chem review? or not to go to chem review? and for that matter, church on friday, or no church on friday?

I am currently reading a book called The Question of God where this guy (Nicholi) puts C.S. Lewis and Freud's arguments for god/against god- and what that entails next to each other. You can definitely tell Nicholi's a psych proffessor. Ever since Wetmore, I can't take Freud seriously. some of Lewis' arguements are sound. someof them, i don't think are. Sometimes it's an interesting read.. sometimes it feels like I'm reading a damn TOK paper.

That math paper today came up behind me when I had accidentally dropped the soap and raped me hard up the ass.

hopefully I make State. really really. but that means sucking it up, two putts, one chips, and not hitting it behind trees or into that lake on that one hole, or whatever.

Here's to flying through, and no zits before prom.

see you at the end.