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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Cabin Fever

So... I asked for snow when i came home- i was hoping for a light dusting... something maybe to make the holidays seem more like the holidays... i didn't ask for this much. i didn't want this much. Now.. it's just an excuse to stay at home "the roads are too icy.. don't go out" oye. I don't want it to snow AGAIN on thursday.

I think it's time for some new years resolutions. Maybe I should do them UN Resolution style... maybe not.

  1. Write daily: whether it's a journal entry, a blog, or a blurb, it doesn't matter.. as long as it's not academic.
  2. Read a chapter of something other than what's required of me nightly.
  3. explore berkeley/SF more... what use is it if I only truly know a could of streets? (i don't know how i'm going to do this as i'm going to have a lot less time on my hands)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

It's not drastic but..

I got a haircut.. more like a hair trim. to get my scragglies off. i think it's still a little scraggly.. i didn't want to cut it shorter.. or else i'd want to get a bob or something.

yay for free haircuts.

I'm not giving christmas/festivus gifts this year. just so you know.

I think i'll call Taifur tomorrow.. see if he's home and wants to play some frisbee.

time for exercise reality check.. hahhh

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Fog is coming in over Berkeley.. and i'm procrastinating again

you know how in "scary" movies.. fog always comes down on the full moon and there's that eerieness to it? i like it. it's really peacefull.. everything seems muted.. and i guess this is the closest thig we'll get to snow falling here.. which has that same effect.. kinda.. but that's like sxhale peaceful, fog is inhale peaceful.. like it's filling you up. does that make sense?

Astronomy.. yes. I dont' know yet...

Home in a little bit. yes. tomorrow. gonna go crash some science bowl.

festivus,
rabah's birfday
Mercury cafe
new years?
snow boarding?


LIFE

Sunday, December 10, 2006

New Lives

I think i post here when i don't really have time to- just like everything else- you want to do it when you can't and you don't want to when you can- why are we never satisfied with life?

I've been thinking a lot and coming to no conclusions. so maybe now it's better not to think and to just do- but that never works out.

ahh.. regrets of the past.

Saw a cool show yesterday- wish i had gotten to stay for the main event, DJ Qbert, but damn BART closes at 12. ungh.

i've been using that word alot- "ungh" i think it's a good grunting noise... fits my mood these days

I'm not thinking about Muhammad Ali or Mephistophiles or Quasars or Chastity or Gender relations, or Ataturk, or any oter this stuff. who's David Ben-Gurion? do i really care any more? i dont' knowwww.... I want to go decorate a house...even just a room. that's what i really really want to do right now. give me a budget and i'll do it to it. i'm thinking clean and colorful, and warm. but we must put in hardwood- no questions asked- everything looks better with hard wood. I think if i had a hosue i decorated myself- each room would have a different personality. my house wouldn't be cohesive at all :)

I'm trying hard to figure out something about myself that is more than friends, or school or whatever, but what am i trying to figure out?

I think this was a good teeenagerish post- i only have a year and a half ish left of being one.. lets use it to its full extent.

i guess this means i'm back to posting here... if a little less than usual

didn't take long at all.

Monday, December 04, 2006

I guess it didn't really take long but...

THE ANIMATION SHOW IS COMING BACKKKK

Denver, CO
Mayan Theatre,
February (21-22) 7:39 & 9:45PM
110 Broadway Ave.

Boulder, CO
Boulder Theatre,
February (24) 6:30 & 9:00PM
2032 14th Street.




Berkeley, CA
Wheeler Auditorium

Jan 27-28, 2007

Hells yes.

www.animationshow.com

too bad we can't get the group who saw Ani2 to see this one together... but if you're not in Colorado or Berkeley in janurary-february.. look on the website given above for showtime where you arrrreee.


listen to MJ.. he makes you feel better.


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I'm not going to say i'm stopping

I think i'm taking a blog break.... well.. i'll only post here if I really really feel a need to. or a giant desire to.

it's back to moleskines for me. i don't think i have anything worth saying in this format anymore.. it just turns out whiny or something. not soemthing i'm proud of.. or want people to see.

life is good.

time for some John Milton and Satan

Sunday, November 26, 2006

music reminds me of everyone

other than a couple of songs, Jimmy eat world reminds me of no one. it doesn't remind me of good times, bad times, people, just... myself. everything else.. or at least most everything else is associated with someone or sometime: five iron Frenzy, Streetlight Manifesto, Jeff Buckley, The Decembrists, Tri Sestry, Simon and Garfunkel, just to name a few... and well.. sometimes you just want music.. and not memories. because memories'll make you miss the past or people who aren't there.

home was.... it was home. good and frustrating at the same time. I said before i wasn't sure if home would feel like home anymore, well.. it made itself feel like home (forced its way back into the 'home crevice' in my mind label box)... nowhere else could give me this feeling.

i don't think that metaphor made any sense.

let me just say home is a flurry of emotion and thought.

this place itself though, is something else. the air is crisper. the sun is brighter, the mountains are rockier and snowier...

it a little bit disconcerting when horoscopes say exactly what you're thinking.

worrying gets us no where.

neither does whining

Thursday, November 23, 2006

"I had to think a while"

I was wondering whether to do this as i did it a couple of years back.. with a list of everything and anything... or do it like last year and just put up twenty things... I guess it comes as it comes... and if it turns out to be hundreds or simply a couple... then... well.. it is what it is. I'm thankful for a lot of things. My life's really blessed- sometimes i lose sight of that.. but it's always nice to remember.

Things I'm Thankful For (in no particular order than what i thought of them in):

  1. Rabah- for Being there. Being herself. and Being Godawfully honest
  2. Being at Berkeley- i was telling Kaile I'd like to live in memories.. but since i can't.. Berkeley's the best place for me- because i had to move on sometime.
  3. Hah- at the moment, high metabolism, from looking at the crap food i have on my desk, it's the only thing keeping me thin
  4. God- for jumping up and down when it feels like i'm about to forget about him
  5. My sisters who seem immutable even as they change
  6. My Parents who ingrained 'be unique' in my head as a kid
  7. Eric- for putting up with (and enjoying) my throwing books at him to read, because i like to share.
  8. Ian- for calling me and telling me awkward and amazing things
  9. Kristine- for making me feel like i can say anything and everything- when i can catch her without playingn ridiculous games of phone tag

as always it's a list of people. but so it goes.

happy thanksgiving all... i'll see you at T2

Thursday, November 16, 2006

hahahaha...

i'm selling my body for money.

betcha never expected that from me.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I wonder about Ady's Masters thesis

He was telling us last year about how he was thinking about doing something on the use of unique figurative language, or writing style in translated literature. I'm beginning to wonder more and more about that. Today i was helping this girl who writes like Sandra does. I wonder what culture has to do with that.. or whther they're just kindred souls. They were writing memoir like essays, or stories... this is the kind of thing i wanted to do- edit and help kids with wriitng and get them to love it love it- i shoudl have applied for that creative writing class next semester.. i guess i'll have to do it in the fall. :\

i said i was going to clean today. i think i still will.

short post i guess.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

There was a Troubador in the BART station that reminded me of Kris Becker

I had in n out the other day. it seems like whenever i want my camera i never have it and when i do carry it around, I never need it. (or it's run out of batteries when i do need it)

I can see a point where ballroom will take over my life. it's way too much fun. really really. quickstep will be awesome if i get that good. it's like... BOUNCE ACROSS THE FLOOR!!! and samba is like shake It SHAKE it. :).

I heard a really cute story yesterday.. it made my eyes go all squinty as i heard it. sometimes when my smile is really big, i can't seee very well. ah well.

TEN days till i'm home (i have a thing with caps today.) i should be read read reading right now. but a list of things i want to do even if there's no time over my short weekened.

0. CHIPOTLE (the old one)
1. Starbucks
2. T2-3
3. See Joyce and Kaitlin (who are mentioned becasue they aren't associated with the people i would usually see)
4. see everyone else
5. hang out with the family
6. church kids
7. eat home cooked meals


there's more i swear that i'm forgetting.

a list of thanks is coming soon to a blog near you.

Monday, November 06, 2006

I haven't listened to Finch in a while

now's the time where i can take a breath before i plunge into Milton. usually, i judge my time by my science classes, and how soon until the next test, and English i can push to the back of my brain, or at least that's how it used to be. now.. well.. i don't have science anymore. Chem didn't fit- as much as I know I don't want science to be my life (vocationally) i still enjoy it and want that well rounded schedule- it's easy to take a humanities class- why do science classes have to take up so much awkward time?

I feel sick to my stomach. i should eat better.. and on a more regular schedule- i'm saying this as I shove pocky into my mouth.

isn't it wierd when your professors start talking about things that are compeltely and utterly relevant to your life at that moment? It freaks me out. but it was happening for a while.

16 days until i'm back in Denver, though I won't know if it's Home until i get there. I hope i haven't acclimated to lower altitudes. (wow only 16. there's so much to do in that time)

I think i'm going to finish Hapsworth 16 1924 now. I'm in a Salinger mood.

I hate critiquing myself- or watching myself doing things. it gives me deep embarassment.

"keep your pinky down."

"love, love, love"

"it's blue and smells like cat, must be sodium chloride"

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

tomorrow's november first

I'm wondering if I shoudl NaNoWriMo this year. i've failed miserably in the past.. and I feel like i'd fail even more miserably now that i'm in college. plus.. the first is tomorrow... and well.. i havent' got a topic... already i'm behind. someone shoudl remind me of this two months in advance. sheesh.

My goal for this week:

good essay topic by tonight-
go to office hours tomorrow
write out draft by friday
go to slc
revise over weekend
not worry on sunday night.


oy.. hopefully it works. I need this to be an amazing paper... and i need my milton paper to be an amazing paper.

CLAM submission?
NaNoWRiMo?
Lindy on Wednesday? i dunnooooo

Saturday, October 28, 2006

So many things

I want to learn to samba, jive and Pasadoble- i don't know if you can use pasadoble as a verb like you can with jive and samba. why do they teach us the broing dances first? i've deciede i need to be a lot more aware of my arms when i'm dancing..that's where all the attitude adn the action is. yeah buddy. i want to keep ballroom dancing... but i know it shouldn't be as important as say.. acing this next paper in engrish to save my grade.

now's one of those phases wehre i want to be able to read everybody's mind- soemtimes i thinkt hat's a violation of privacy.. right now. i don't really care. i want to know.

for those of you who read comic books and haven't yet read Superman Red Son, i highly reccommend it. the intro is a little pretentious.. but whatever. not as reccomended as alan moore or the sandman though.

Lord Wotton's words in Dorian Gray are hypnotising even when i know they should make sense... but htey do logically which is what's so dangerous abotu them. i need to read less books.. or not update this and actually do work. i think i'll do that soon

i hate waterproof mascara... it doesn't comeoff even with eye makeup remover. ugh. this is why i don't wear makeup.

four weeks? i'm looking forward to it.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

oh california...

Berkeley:


Clear

76°F
Feels Like
76°F

Denver:

Mostly Cloudy
36°F
Feels Like
36°F


I want it to be all bundly and cold so i can snuggle up to people and put my cold feet on them. :)

oh well.. it's nice being 73 too.


do it to it Lars


Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Waking up early = sleeepy jessica

maybe i should have just gone to bed earlier like i had planned. but it's worth being distracted sometimes i guess.

i need more hours in the day so i can both sleep longer and have time to read books that i want to read - i thought i was goingto be caught up by now... but i'm not.

i think this is the point where i start cramming way more in than i should into my days and then suddenly- WHAPAM! it's christmas break.

i Really like the Yoshimi Battles te Pink Robots Album by the flaming lips. I think it's amazering.

I took off word verification because i think taifur complained about it a long time ago. i don't think i'm that bothered by ads.

To not falling asleep in class!

Sunday, October 22, 2006

I've been studying for the past six hours straight.. you shoudl be proud.

so.. i'm taking a break from my info intake of the day. I often feel like sundays are my most productive days of the week. probably true.

I need to not eat as much junkfood as I have been recently... currently on my desk are a box of cinnamon toast crunch, a box of teddy grahams (cinnamon), and a bag of pita chips (organic) i think it's amusing how around here most of the junk food they sell on campus is organic or 'all natural' my mom would be happy.

my sister just told me she doesn't know what i'm doing in college and that i have weird friends and seem to be doing weird things.. hah. it's true. but i like it. it's my experience.

I'm in a listy mood.. bear (is that the right form of bear?) with me- I have swung back into reading with full force- currently in my bag is: dubliners (almost done), faerie Queene (book III seems to be much better than Book I), the picture of dorian gray (not yet started), bluebeard, and hapworth 16 1924 (which surprisingly i haven't finished yet)..oy. more and more i'm thinking english major.

it's weird thinking i just breezed through half a century's worth of history for turkey and Iran and am now at the seventies. maybe i should go back and breeze slower. easy mac first.

my screen is super dusty.

this was a pretty pointless post.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

okay....

I think more and more i'm finding i like candid shots. or shots of people that they dont' know you're taking of them. you get more personality that way. I smile the same in all pictures.. there's no difference... just teeth.. and squintier eyes.

everytime i want a change i go to my hair. i have bangs again. maybe in a couple of weeks.. it'll be short again.

i think more and more we're collectively responding to the fact that things'll never be the same again. and moving more and more towards the direction of being okay with that.

i went into two book stores yesterday looking for The Picture of Dorian Gray- I left with Bluebeard (which i lost before with a doodle sidney gave me grr) from the first one, and Infinite Jest from the second. i'm cycling back into my spending money phase. - i still need/want that oscar wilde book. i always tell myself.. at least you're saving money because they're used books and you could have bought the new ones and wasted ten more bucks.. or five more.. or whatever. I think books are a good thing to spend money on.

Faery Queene takes up too much of my brain power. it exhausts me.

but at least i'm getting back into the swing of school. yeah. school's swinging again.

"the world we loved forever gone....we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to be..."

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Safeway

they apparantly don't sell peter pan peanut butter here. I had to buy jif. it doens't taste as good. ergh. choosy moms my butt.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

sometimes you can't do anything but read

this post is completely different form the one I published this morning. (although it is a new day)

Its nice to have someone there who understands- there isn't one person who understands everything- i get that now.. i'm not going to find one person who understands how i feel about everything and i'm okay with that.

I have a reading buddy :o)

and after looking through wikipedia three minutes ago.. i want to read the entire list of books that were banned. that's one of my 'things to do before i die' read all the banned books.. i don't knwo whether to limit that to banned in america though.. i don't think i will. i dunno.

the problem with reading novels in translation is that i don't know what the good translations are.. and which ones are crappy. i've been wanting to read my russians for a while now.. and I don't know what copies to pick up.. because well.. translations make a difference. maybe i should find some crazy russian literature professor and ask them. maybe.

maybe there's a reason why the song "getting better" is stuck in my head?

i'm still confused.. but i'm okay with the confusion.

it's good to have good friends- or people with the potential to be great friends.

the gilda radner quote we used in the lit mag (the one that's on my facebook) applies so well.

funny how change is stagnant.

"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

turn around and repeat three times....

Matt once used the quote “you’re true blue, Ethel” in association with me. And I’ve always taken pride in being upfront, and real and not fakey. More and more I realize even though I’m not fakey in the stab people in the back way, I can’t BE upfront and real unless I know my own opinions first. I find myself in debates… and not knowing whether the word I’m about to use is right.. or whether my facts are straight, or most importantly whether I’m playing devils advocate or not.
I don’t know. I forget too easily. I think I’m forgetting your faces. I know I’m forgetting your laughs. Even though we’re not supposed to cling on to each other, it’s okay to want to right? To want to be there? –even if we can’t do much good? Stupid over 1000K mile distances.

I slept through class today- the class I really needed to be at because I don’t know what I’m doing with Spenser. I don’t know what I’m doing. I love English. I love hearing people talk about English- and through that hearing their own passions for the literature. And to let you in on a secret you may already know, or in the opposite direction- may not want to believe- I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m with people like that. Why compare myself? Because I HAVE to. I hate floundering. But I love English.. so what do I do? Keep floundering?

I think this is my space to be ‘I’ ‘I’ ‘I’ because I like being ‘you’ ‘you’ ‘you’ normally. This is the spear to my side where all my inside stuff about me can come out.

This is turning out to be a negative post.

Can I love you right now? Because I want to.

I want to stand and talk to someone while hugging them. I can’t do that with guys because then there’s a stigma attached- and here… I’m not close to the girls. I’m not comfortable with them. I want to fit together like puzzle pieces or just be able to grab someone for a hug, or take naps next to each other. Or just get coffee- or uncoffee. Or be able to talk about anything. Everything.

No time no time no time.

I want to make something beautiful. I don’t feel like anything beautiful has come out of me in a long time.

(I want to be beautiful- by making beautiful things)

I’m not as weird as I usually am. I don’t feel like myself. I’m fitting into skin that is too loose- I told you that things change and we have to change with it, but we’re still ourselves. But jeez, weirdness has been a part of me for longer than I can remember. It’s like the phantom limb syndrome. I want to scratch it but I reach and find air.

When I get pensive- I get dreary and critical of myself. Life here is good. Life here is just- Hard. Confusing maybe. But the Good times come as often as the bad.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

letter to myself

Dear Jess,

There are a couple of things you need to learn:
1. YOU WERE NEVER CAPABLE OF A THIRTY MINUTE NAP- what makes you think that you are now?- you don't have two hours.
2. History takes a lot longer to read than you think it does. start reading earlier in the week.
3. Essays written at the last minute are always worse than essays written beforehand with time to EDIT.
4. even if you feel sleepy, learn to get over it and keep working.

Love,
Jessica

EDIT (5:18 am): P.S. This is the worst essay you've written in about three years. nice going dip shit.

sorry i'm just procrastinating- time to chase myself in circles frantically.

Monday, October 02, 2006

it's been over a year

My list of little joys is over due. I made it this morning as I looked at the construction over the glade.

  1. Late Night Conversations
  2. perfectly ripe bananas
  3. good noses
  4. random encounters
  5. climbing trees
  6. phone calls from home (or people who remind me of home)
  7. Streetlamps and the halo effect when we squint
  8. solitude
  9. Peach-Os
  10. The Word Beautiful
  11. Peeing after waiting a long time
  12. crevaces
i don't know what happened to my orange juice obsession since summer. It seems to have petered out... these days it's all about the grapefruit juice. strange- maye it's just because i don't really drink anything anymore. it's actually pretty bad for me. ugh.....

oh well.. I figured now's a good time to think about joys and the little things which make life worth living.

I realise I want to do way too much incollege just like i did in high school. Joyce was telling me i should only really have three extra curriculars-buuuut there's ballroom, church/biblestudy, Volunteering with middle schoolers, getting a job, a literary magazine on campus... and who knows what else I'll want to do.. maybe intermural disc at one point.. that's what... three more than i'm supposed to have. I dont' want to stretch myself thin but I really seriously want to do all of it. what shoudl i do? what's most important to me? I can't make that distinction right now. why can't there always be 29 horus in the day? ugh..

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Goodbye Sky Harbor

I met up with ozzie today and got a free dinner out of it from all them crazy stanford kids getting a little cater action from Chevys.. otherwise.. the week's been pretty standard. That was a little taste from home. I'd forgotten how long it's been since i've seen him- since rabah's party in June. wow.

I've been hanging out with the kids on my floor a lot more.. late at night when we don't want to disturb the dustbunnies with our obnoxiousities- life is squinting-into-the-sunset-good right now.
I hung out kinda with the freshmen at my church yesterday- it was kinda cool.. but really obnoxious in the fact they know me less than even the people here... oh well... i guess that's what happens....

i should be figuring out my essay right now. erggghh..

I haven't walked and read in a long time. it's kind of refreshing- I get sucked in by the methodicalness of my footsteps.. yeah. :) I like books that pull me in.

i need to vacuum my room or learn how to work in here. it's really disturbing how my bed jsut calls to me... i never worked in my bedroom at home... i guess that may be why. the bed was never available for me to sleep in near my work... the word 'vacuum' looks really funny if you stare at it for a long time. like 'bluer'

should i climb into bed? perhaps. shoudl I do work? definitely yes.

everyone these days seem to be cat people more than dog people... weird.. maybe californians are jsut cat people too. maybe there's a big correlation.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Better in Black and White?

My mittens are sitting next to me and i feel like i'll never have the occasion to wear them.

I like hearing stories of how my friends' lives are getting better- they make me more optimistic.

I've been in a truthful mood lately- straight and blunt. I don't know if it's doing me any good or what, but i can understand myself and lay out my morals and my thought processes better i think. I think it's helping my relationships with people too and making me less of a manipulative, stereotypical female.

some guy on the street sullied the word 'beautiful' today. it's okay... all good things will be misused. people's park intrigues me, and yet i'm afraid to explore it closer.. perhaps with a friend.

my desk is a black hole.

and my posts are really random. that's okay..

oh i found a church. KCPC in SF is pretty awesome- the pastor sermons a little differently but it's interesting. I fell like i can really grow there versus flounder and doubt and judge as I attend.

I'm finding that people back home mean a lot to me. people here are great and a good change. but people at home understand. it's like- getting rid of an old easy chair because it's tattered and just time for it to go , and then realising as you sit in the new one that you miss it.

Change is when you realise something's the same but different.- Delirium said something like that. Things are changing- bring on the rain, the fork in the road, the wise crone or any of your other imagery of rebirth and change and it goes smack dab over the present right now.

Friday, September 22, 2006

I'm changing ever the same

I was reading the entirety of this blog the other night... and I haven't changed much in the past two years. jsut cycles of ups and downs. and then just now, I went back to my xanga and read an entry I put in on August 30th of 2003. It was a survey where you use the lyrics of one band to describe yourself. funny how those things haven't changed- and how Jimmy Eat World is still amazering.

Life is really confusing.

I change my mind. life is a cycle of ups and downs but each of those have their own ups and downs

"I will pray with the spirit and I will pray with the mind also; I will sing with the spirit and I will sing with the mind also." 1 corinth. 14:15

I really need to find myself a church.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

"You can't catch me, i'm the stinky Cheese man!"

Life has been moving by really fast. that conversation with Rabah six hours ago seems like days. I haven't seen my family in years, and I haven't been to a class for weeks. you know? it's just moving- mesmerizing like double dutch ropes and I'm trying to jump in.. drop those tricks and get spit back out again- but I think i tangle the ropes but the people spinning the ends just keep spinning anyway.

I think that's why i like movies so much. They slow me down. it's a moment in time where I can be sucked into something slower than my version of time.

don't you hate it when you think something you said was original- or at least not something you've come across in your lifetime if you're into the whole- nothing's original anymore- and then you re re-reading or re-watching something and you realise it's not yours. but theirs? ugh. I don't like that feeling makes me feel like a user- an old rag.

I want to write. but there hasn't been anything that i've caught or that has caught me. I should be writing my canterbury tales essay- which shouldn't be that bad.. i just have a block right now. oh well i have til friday.

I realised that I have to make other people happy or other people have to be happy for me to be happy myself or else i start worry abotu their unhappiness... I wish i didn't have to do that. Life would be so much easier if I didn't go out of my way to make things better.


three of my five paragraphs start with 'I' when did I get so ego centric? i guess that's what a blog is- talking about myself.

talk like a pirate day was reasonably sucessful- i got a lot better at it than the past three years.

I want life to slow down.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Happy Talk like a Pirate day to ye Land Lubbers!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

glorious

I climbed a tree today. it was glorious- and everything.

we also played night frisbee with glowsticks and that was glorious too..

a quote from Franny and Zooey:

"I don't know what good it is to know so much and be smart as whips and all if it doesn't make you happy."


overall, today was a good day.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I'm being a girl today

sometimes I get urges to wear skirts for no reason. and I feel like I've worn tee shirts and jeans for so long that whenever i do end up wearing something a little nicer it's a big change for me. eh. oh well.. when have I ever outwardly cared what people think of me?

Yesterday I looked at the moon. and did aero-yoga. it was peaceful and nice. I want to get more flexible. it's really sad that I can't touch my toes- but in my defense even though my hammies are tight, my quads are not. but yes. that is one of my goals this year that I'm going to follow through on.

I love you I love you I love you.

oooh.. healing circles.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Interesting moods revisited

I'm in that placewhere i miss people from home- i miss homecooked meals.. hanging out in my bathroom, in my car, in other people's rooms or wherever... and especially the late night park nights which i didn't get very many of this summer. at all.

i wanted to go out and look at the start the other nigt. there were too many clouds. The Berkeley sky is oarngish at night.. it's kinda cool.. and kinda messed up at the same time. recently i've had the urge to go to red rocks pre-dawn and watch the sun rise.

but things here are going really well. Ballroom is fun- although the whole switching partners thing- I met some interesting people- ineterseting in that i don't really ever want to dance with them again. good thing I've got Brandon as a partner already. I feel dumb in classes... ut I hate feeling like the smartest person in the clas stoo.. so I guess it's good.. i'm really inarticulate... i hope it gets better. I used the word 'good' a lot. okaaay... so.... yeah.

It makes me sad that people aren't having as swell (trying to avoid good) of a time as I'm having. as the beatles say "we can work it out- but there's no tiiiiiime for fussing and fighting my friends" but i wish i coudl be there for you- and be that person that's concrete and solid- not jsut words on a computer screen or a voice over the phone. but someone to hold onto. and I can't be. Maybe i need to turn the empathy down a little- but still. i can't help it.

The weekend is here.

I'm listening to Apollo Sunshine- and I remember why i liked them so much a couple of years ago. kinda machine go boom ish but less crazy.

"The birthday wish you missed me blow out came true when i fell asleep next to you"

I have that half smile on my face. but it's nap time.

Monday, September 04, 2006

my Feet are permanently black

I think Ballrooming barefoot and playing frisbee barefoot has ruined the 'prettiness' of my feet.

it's funny how when your fingers are cold, you can't type as fast.. actually..that's probably a given.. but still... it's obnoxious.

I had a weird dream last night about basically everything... somehow Bowles(the all guys dorm) turned into some sort of boarding school and we were waltzing and I was waltzing with some guy that Kyle hated but was still outwardly friendly to... though i have no idea what he looked like other than he was blonde... and well.. I don't know... it was weird.

I think my more melancholy in the morning than at night... why is it AT night and IN the morning or afternoon? i hate how english never makes sense. but yeah. i think i'm going to fulfill my plan of going to that yes, That tree and read in it.. god knows i have a lot of chaucer to read... and history for that matter.

I think since I've been here i've gotten a lot better at rambling.. I dont' know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. but now I feel longwinded and like words aren't a big deal..i guess that means i'm getting over korea... which i was speaking korean to my parents yesterday.. and it sucks....

My desktop is a picture of Rabah. Makes me miss home and driving to see people.. and Chipotle... the one on Telegraph isn't open yet.. ergh.

Thank you to the person who left me a poem- it made me smile and I like smiling at things.

Life goes on.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

last thing i have to do is find a job

I'm having an affair with the word 'beautiful' these days, it's just catching my eye, and it seems like the turns of phrase with that word catch my ear more often. I told rabah this, but i think i would much rather be called beautiful than any other thing... because beauty stretches all the way to the inner secrets of the soul.

Monday, August 28, 2006

middle english

you know that old cliche of the guy reading a girl poetry and she falls in love with this so called sensitive guy because it's impossible to find a guy who reads keats or whoever?

well...if any guy is willing to read me chaucer in lilted middle english.. i might just fall into that cliche and swoon... my (female) teacher was reading the first 16 lines of the canterbury tales to us today... and well... it was splat.

I miss colorado skies. if you're still there. look up at sunset (and sunrise if you're up early enough) and just absorb the reds, pinks, oranges, fuzzy greens and blues that roll together. you don't get that everywhere... and it's breathtaking.

my friend Charlie is coming up from Nipomo before he goes off to le Hahvard- i'm excited.. yet another person i haven't seen in over a year- speaking of which.. i saw yan today at crossroads (the dc) he grew facial hair... yan is a friend of a friend from harvard... so i guess i'm seeing more harvard people that i thought i would. but I really want to meet up with krisitne again. from that group

you know how people get an image of you? i don't know if my image here is the same as my image at home.

people here don't nosegoes.

I was walking down the street, and a bum who was walking by said "smile, it's a beautiful day" and you can't say no to that.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

week one ish?

I was reading through some of my old stuff.. and though I'm pretty sure i've posted this before... i thought it was fitting:

Beginnings are creatures of change. We don't always welcome Beginnings, but they are born in front of closed eyes. By the time we accept them, the Beginnings have moved on, on cat like feet to leave us to their offspring; we feel the same, yet uncomfortably different. Beginnings are dashing, because of the uncertainty that they arrive with, arm in arm; whereas, Middles are boorish and Endings are wretchedly nostalgic. Only when we are able to let go of the past and leave it as the past, instead of the now, new Beginnings can be acknowledged.

recently i've been whiny and complainy about how I don't feel like anything's changing... but hey.. maybe the me of two years ago was right.

I learned how to chacha, salsa, and east coast swing yesterday- it's nice having a dance partner who knows what he's doing.. it was pretty sweet.. and I now have a group of ultimate frisbee-ers which is awesome. Funny how i really dont' know anyone on my floor and instead i hang out with people who live waaaaaaay on the other side of campus. This is how it always works for me.. i find good guy friends first... and i have to look hard for good girlfriends. I can live with my roommate... though she's nothing compared with Kristine- and she tries too hard to be cutsey and is pretty high maintenance... but she's alright.

I miss having people around that already understand me and with whom I already have a relationship established. it makes things a lot easier.

I need to start waking up earlier... and actually not waste time. maybe that means going to sleep earlier

Saturday, August 19, 2006

14 hours and counting

I think i'm getting closer to closure today... this last day. once my room looks (near) spotless I think it'll have that going away feeling. I should start on that.

I feel bad for spending not enough time around my parents... but spending time with them means spending time around them. I probably should have gone golfing with me dad.. and done something with my mom... but it seems... like when they want me around we do our own things... I don't know.

I guess I have to let my friends go... I've been on the receiving end of "my friend_______ would have..." or "one time me and my friend ____ did..." and on the giving end for that matter, but i gues i just have to be about making new memories instead of reliving old ones... something I've never been good at.

my mom thinks I have to be out of the house by 5:30 for a 8:30 flight... I say psh... at least thirty more minutes of sleep.

I can't find my 'end is here' album.. and it makes me sad.. otherwise most of my music is on my computer...

anyone want REM albums? my cousin gave me most if not all of REM's discography frm off of his computer... I should have upgraded my harddrive.

Monday, August 14, 2006

"She said, 'I like long walks and sci fi movies'"

I made my first bottle of Kimchi today. That was pretty cool. My mommy taught me. I think if I were just a little less academically inclined, i would go to culinary school and become an amazing chef... yeah doggy. If you like the smell of hamburgers or steak on the grill.. well.. it's nothing compared to the smell of some good korean barbeque on the grill.. seriously. I've scoped out the korean food on campus.. so a little homesickness will take me to those restaurants.

Otherwise, I need to decide what's going and what's staying... should I take Floppy (my loved and dirty stuffed animal)? should I take the big or the small box of crayons (Ian says big) ? what shoudl I decorate my room with? that is a lot harder when you're not allowed to drill holes in the walls...I realise 2 of the 3 questions I just asked make me seem childish and as joe would say in line that whole neverneverland peter pan thing- which I find no problem with embracing my childhood.

My shoulder really hurts.. I hope it's nothing serious and the pain (and thus problem) goes away within a couple of days.

I should have gotten a bigger harddrive for my laptop... I didn't realise how much music I had.

This weekend was pretty awesome. I went to a day-long picnic with my church... and played a bit of volleyball... football... got hit in the hip with a ball as I daydreamed...then I went to a fashion show at the Fabric Lab.. it was straight up on the sidewalk on colfax.. pretty awesome.. the clothes were cool, the atmosphere was better. then on sunday.. I went to church and then Winnie's, Foote's then Kathleen's it was pretty awesome.. I went sailing for the first time.

No one writes on their blogs anymore... it kinda makes me sad.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

wierded out

I just found a picture of Lane Smith on facebook... basically he was my preschool love interest.. we would make tunnels in the sand together. craaazy


I feel a lot more lethargic now that i'm home from korea... like lying on my floor and counting the little nubbly carpet clumps is a good use of my time. I haven't writtenanything since last may, I haven't read anything new since I finished that Vonnegut book. I'm just wasting my 'talents' and sleeping or kinda eating (my stomach's shrunk too) and i'm too lazy to do anything about it.

enough of the emo posting though. I met up with Rusty and Max (friends from le harvard) last Saturday... It was pretty cool except for the abortion discussion that somehow came up. i hate going into these things because people aren't going to change their minds about them. but it was nice because i haven't seen them in over a year and i hadn't really talked to max in any form until that point.

i hope i can find a job at le berkeley, and i hope I can amass some money to go either to chicago or out to boston/newyork for spring break.

i leave in less than 2 weeks.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Chicken Feet and Eel Guts

Right.

Consistently for the past year the concept of marriage has come up often. Mostly directed towards my sisters- but I got some of it. Now because i'm going to college with (surprise surprise) a lot of asians and maybe because I just came back from Korea its suddenly a whirlwind of You have to marry a korean person... and you ave to be on the lookout and blah blahblah. sometimes I hate conservatism.
the great majority of Korean guys are either too female or too piggish.

Korea was okay. I hung out with my family a lot (had the conversation about marrying korean a lot). got introduced to foods I never thougt would be edible (see title) and shopped cheap... but not over excessively.

I get to see Rusty and Max on ( i think) saturday... oh my Dallas boys.

I've come to realise how much I hate money in alll forms. it just sullies all good things. food is no longer delicious (i'm eating $5.79) earning it is too difficult when you're paying back a third to the government and spending my parents' money leaves me guilty and I can't spend it on what i really want because it's too much to ask for or they don't see the importance of it.

my mom thinks i'm inactive.. which is true when I'm at home. simply because well... I can be. and everyone else is still working-

i'm really jetlagged- I woke up at 4am yesterday, wen tback to sleep at 7am woke up at 1pm went back to sleep at about 4pm and woke up again at about 7pm and then finally fell asleep for the night at 2am. I give it a week. I hate doing nothing. and yet that's all i'm doing. ugghhh

I haven't been on a swingset in a long time. not since lauren/alex/megan's graduation party when I was on them with Winnie.

Ihope my roommate is pretty awesome... but I dont' know how they could beat Kristine.

rabah needs to come home.

This summer was (is) not the "best i ever had" but maybe we can make it better in the next fortnight or so.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Goodbyes quiet my soul

I'm coming home tomorrow.

berkeley's being obnoxious.

but I'm going to spend what time I have with people instead of this box. Full recap upon return.

-끗

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

oo.. goot.. belly belly goot!... you know?

I <3 my uncle... he reminds me of Mr. Bean... and to him.. that's a complement.

my cousin has all the seasons of friends... and when I think i'm forgetting english.. i watch them... friends reminds me of Matt... i had forgotten why i lke chandler the best.

hows it in colorado?

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

:(/:)?

so apparantly I don't make a very good footall psychic... and all of the world cup jinxes are true... england can't get past the quarter... brazil can't win in europe.. le sigh....

poor argentina...

today i was listening to Cute without the E in the subway and I though of Lauren, Kaile and I (Yang was there too, but she didn't ko the words) singing like manics. I wanted to bust out on the subway... but... the korean people just write text messages on their ridiculously nice/expensive phones... or watch their minature satellite tvs.. and they'd just be like 'crazy american!' and kick me witht heir high heeled shoes.. well not really... but there'd be a lot of people staring.

I miss my car... it's really the only place where I can truly sing out without people looking at me funny,, or me disturbign them.

I'm forgetting english.. I was just about to spell crazy with a K.

Korean couples often have an item of matching clothing- maybe a ring... maybe the same pair of converse (worn in the same way) sometimes the whole freakin outfit... and yeah... yeah... it's obnoxious... that last one.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

'Football' Musings

Stupid Germany... charging the goalie... and making Argentina lose the shoot out... but I think Argentina made some bad calls to begin with.

my guess.. germany italy england and brazil... italy in fouth and brazil takes the cup...

but i really don't know anything about soccer (football)

Monday, June 26, 2006

a leaf out of Matt's book.

5 things I've noticed about Seoul:

1. Girls will endure pain for fashion: ie stilletto heels in a hilly city.
2. It's true that girls won't exercize because they don't want muscle: they just want to be slim. (my cousin's girlfriend doesn't want to eat vitamins because she'll get muscular? i don' understand either)
3. The Seoul subway system is super nice... better than the... five systems I've riden before
4. buying a cellphone in korea.... is scary business... there's a department store floor full of people being paid on commision trying to add you to their stats...but the cellphones are super high tech... they make the razr look like a brick
5. relatives will feed you when there's nothing else to do.
6. the showers dont' have curtains.


I was told today I suck at writing in korean.. thus i am in the second of three levels in the program.. yesterday I went around a place called Insadong and would have bought airplne earings made out of wire if my ears were pierced. but they're not.

I like hearing my granmuzzer laugh.

and poor poor korea..... stupid switzerland.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Goin' Home

Day after tomorrow... I'm headed out to the motherland. I really don't know what to expect other than the fact I know i'm going to make a fool of myself simply by opening my mouth... actually..in that regard... not much is different.

I realised this past sunday (if Korea wins this friday and moves on) I'm going to be there during the world cup. it's going to be pretty awesome considering how crazy my people are.

I'll probably post while I'm there... yeah... and e-mail people....

I'll be back... fatter... and FOB-by.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Titles always come last

Berkeley was pretty fun.. despite the demographics being almost 50% asian.. i still managed to make more non-asian friends than asian... yeah... i'm cooool.
Telegraph reminds me of a grittier Boulder. with tye dye tents... and people selling henna... which apparantly people like to get on their breasts.

Korea in about a week.... should be a rockin good time, though I'm staying with my aunt and uncle instead of in a co-op (what is Co-op short for?)

life is good.. golf with Ady this week, possibly teach rabah some more, and let my dad use me as cheap (free) labor.

it's way too hot here.

I got the Harvard Summer Review (the lit mag from the summer sessions) and all the stories have the same tone to them. I guess that's whyI didn't make it.. or why I like to think I didn't make it. oh well...

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Thought Vomit

There's a Horcrux in book five

The Sting is excellent (but Robert Redford is hairy)

people are shady

I watch too much TV these days.. makes me lethargic

I'm gonna pick my trumpet back up again

Korea house is coming soon

Trip out to Berkeley even sooner

Lets Whack those balls around, Rabah and Anandi

Lunch? (if I wake up early enough)

I love running my finger across a peice of paper I colored with crayon.

I want more strange Beautiful Corpses on napkins... though the funds aren't great for either of us

we're gonna have to say goodbye sooner or later...

but later yes.

glue stick.. and follow the art crowd

good night.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Because It's Usually about You

Kaile has always kept me writing. whether it was reluctantly on my part or just from the inspiration, she's been a part of it always. I guess this post is because of her's on xanga... well part of it is... she made me want to write something.

Tonight's been wierd. I said goodbye to Zuk and Hawley and C. and you know, well, I know i'll see them again.. but I feel like I"ll see them from different eyes next time. it's not going to be the same. we'll have a separate relationship. I can't see me out of high school.... that grown up. I can't believe my mother is 50, and I can't believe we just graduated. seems like a sick joke to me.

I'm ready to keep doing things my way, and screw everybody else. but you know you influence me anyway.

I have this little doodle infront of me that I cut off of a chemistry worksheet when I was throwing stuff away. it is a picture of two UFO's beaming up a person holding a banana, being eaten (butt first) by a snake on a floating branch... with a giant toucan watching.. as well as a flock of red blood cells (or really far away UFOs) I'm going to keep it forever because it reminds me of Ian.. though, it IS in pencil.. and I hope it doens't fade away.

Tomorrow's going to be fun. just because there'll be good music and people I like. no scratch that.. people I love.

what is a jackalope? and how many exist?

and I was never good at goodbyes.

Monday, May 29, 2006

If you could only see how blue her eyes could be...

I watched Garden State again. It's one of those movies you have to watch at night, or else it doesn't have that magic to it.

Kinda like how Nick Drake sounds better at night.

My sisters left today. It always seems so empty when they leave... with voids of silence.

I'm a needless worrier. I worried before I went to SSP last year, and this year I'm worrying (probably needlessly) about College and Korea. maybe I should have chosen Northwestern? but I don't think so. I can't think like that already.. it's too late for it anyway.

Why is it that lighter colored eyes are so striking? No one says 'if you could only see how brown her eyes were...' or... 'those are some pretty intense black eyes' we blackies (and brownies) got played.

Why is it that people always want what's hardest to obtain? The asians... who definitely tan easily like the white porcelain skin, and the females go to all extents to get it.. where as the caucasians... who definitely can keep their white procelain skin want the tan glow? On that note.. at the rate I'm tanning (while wearing a lot of sunscreen I might add) I'm going to be wrinkly and 60 by the time I'm 40.

but screw that. While I'm here, I'm gonna play soccer with the church kids, hopefully play some disc on wednesdays after tea and crumpets, and get some golf action on... and probably get browner by the day.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I won't worry my life away

I got some graduation bling, two days?

My sisters are coming in tomorrow

Rusty Mason is coming into town on the 5th of August.. er.. rather I get to see him on the 5th of August. :o) Last time I saw Big Rustic was August 19th 2005

No more Korea drama.

Watermelon is Goooooood, and right now that kimchi smell is permeating the house (b/c my mom is making it).. which is, in a disgusting way, really appetizing.

I have a person (or two) I know going to my school next year

I'm in my summer groove alread

If you didn't know, the title is Jason Mraz style.

Monday, May 22, 2006

I've been talking about Rabah a lot I know.

But that's what happens when you hang out with someone a lot. we decided one of her south african friends from camp and I are two parts to the same soul... because apparantly I tell her and ask her the same stuff he does. we are not 'soul mates' as in meant for each other, but.. we are the same person.. except he's south african, muslim, and likes hats, and I'm korean, christian, and likes-hats-but-thinks-they're-too-trendy-to-wear.

and by that i mean I think some of the really cool hats are way too catchy for me, and I kinda like to express personality through clothing through colors.

but really. I've always wondered whether there was someone in the world in a completely different environment that acts the way I do, and talks the way I do, just in their own language. I think there is. Have you found You yet?

I apparantly march to the beat of my own drummer. That's good that people think so, because sometimes I'm afraid to look ridiculous, so then I get more obnoxious and try to make myself un-selfconscious.

I played soccer yesterday for the first time in years, I'm not BAD at playing D, and I saw a lot of old faces form the korean church network that I haven't seen for years.

Tuesday's coming did you bring your coat?

It's time to smile.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

different

I hung out with josh and nick today.. it was.. refreshing.. and you could only kinda tell i was the odd (wo)man out. probably because I don't understand WOW.

We're checked out kids... and not in a 'hey baby' type checked out as in DONE... go to my links and refer to Rabah's post 'Check' for specifics.

two days ago, I was driving down I225, and this guy on a motorsyle, doing about 80, passes me, looks back at me, pops a wheelie going 80, stays like that for about 150 yards, and then looks back again at me. show off.. and he's going to kill himself.. I never was able to do a wheelie on my bike.

tomorrow's Prom. it's a little bittersweet, but, hey i'm excited (doesn't seem like it's tomorrow) vamos a bailar amigos!

" I was been told, you'll never grow old, if you live your life too fast.
But I don't need to rest, I'm not old and tired, but I've been through fire and I've seen enough,
and I might never be the same again, but have you seen my friends, they're just the same.
Well come on, well come on, hon' get up and dance with me yeah.
Well no more, well no more blue days and lonely years. "

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

it's a wrap!

it's funny how rabah and I of all people got addicted to starbucks... i think other than Yang, we were the least likely. but it happened. we recognize the workers, I think they recognize us, and they have to kick us out almost everynight. I've been hanging out with her a lot. we've been turning into each other... i think that's good for me... i dont' knwo how she feels abotu that.

I just have half a physics final and a history packet to do... and a blow off Creative writing period to go to. then i'm done.

AP chem was pretty easy.

it's sad that I dont' see everyone that I want to see anymore.

because i'm listening to it:

"excuse me but i think you made a mistake today.. you called me a chink today..
if you want use the proper racist term... dont' call me a chink... don't call me a chink..
better yet don't call me anything..."

this guy tried to pick us up today. it was really awkward and badly done. no points for creativity.

Ian's model pose is the best one i've seen yet. move over Top Model... Ian Nappier's coming through.

I done.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Like he said.

Ildae told me sometimes we just gotta sit around and drink water with our friends. except it was four pumps of that syrup with ice and probably milk... which I think the guy charged me for the wrong drink... because it's a dollar more expensive than yesterday.

Funny how i've gone to starbucks... 5..? times since may started. I feel like Tests are melting my brains into goop and that's why i need my iced chai that's SUPPOSED to cost me 2.47 to keep that goop from sloshing out of my ears.

Lit Magazine came out today.. cop one if you want to.

I have a(n almost) blank page (it has two blue splotches. what can I do here?

I shoudl probably study for history huh.

I'm ready for it. but not read for that.

I don't understand how people can unmix their emotions. they're happy. or their sad. but never both. The want to. Or they don't. but never both. me.. I'm always both. at elast usually always.

I feel like aroudn this time of year I always feel like I need to be published.. or taking steps to get published... or else I'm wasting time.. and it's always aroudn this time of year I realise how much the people I've been aroudn for the past school year have influenced me.

I gotta do me some Ray Chandler.

last improv show? anyone? anyone?

Monday, May 08, 2006

Lemme Tell ya...

Dear IB,

I'm not gonna freakin call people about your tests.
It's not that big of a deal- chill out.

love,
000631-055



Dear Gateway Coaches,

suck it for not accomodating some strict IB policy,
and for not getting tee times out til the Friday before.
You're sabotaging Smoky Hill.

love,
Jessica


Dear Physics-In-General,

You're ruining my life.
I never want to see you again after Wednesday.
Why you got to be so egocentric?

Love, Jessica

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Oh Jackie...

Listen to Breakdown by Jack Johnson.

it is great.

see you never.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Can't take it

Like I said to Rabah. being stressed out makes me moody and emotional and I can't take critisism. Save it for when I"m done with everything.

I've been having very vivid dreams for the past two days about tests and regionals. I'm thinking way too much about regionals. I'll be happy when this next week is over.

I'm going to go hide in my bathtub.

It seems like I've been on the verge of tears way too many times this past week.

happier post later. I'm not an emo kid.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Old man Time

so. I have so many to do lists running through my head it's becoming a jumble of lkafk;jasdfyhioawerhk. Seeing daylight and people have become secondary to my headless chicken routine.

This weekend, I have to go over Beloved, East of Eden and 100 years, learn me some physics, history and go golfing- a lot.

To go to chem review? or not to go to chem review? and for that matter, church on friday, or no church on friday?

I am currently reading a book called The Question of God where this guy (Nicholi) puts C.S. Lewis and Freud's arguments for god/against god- and what that entails next to each other. You can definitely tell Nicholi's a psych proffessor. Ever since Wetmore, I can't take Freud seriously. some of Lewis' arguements are sound. someof them, i don't think are. Sometimes it's an interesting read.. sometimes it feels like I'm reading a damn TOK paper.

That math paper today came up behind me when I had accidentally dropped the soap and raped me hard up the ass.

hopefully I make State. really really. but that means sucking it up, two putts, one chips, and not hitting it behind trees or into that lake on that one hole, or whatever.

Here's to flying through, and no zits before prom.

see you at the end.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Oh....

There's something that makes me smile about listening to old pop punk- like the Starting line's cover of JLo's I'm real.. or old NFG. it's like chick flicks.. they're just feel good songs... and according to some, simply 'bad ' music.. but... earlier pop punk makes me happy.

it's becoming real like the tome (or t-ohm) of cracking some ap action sititng in front of me. I suck at teh physics. really. really.

I had fun bowling on friday... I actually got up in the 80's .. wow. jessica's getting better. my bowl form is perfect.. better than anyone's you know.

I'm dipping my toe into tomorrow.. and I can't say I like it. May is going to be dreadful... and my pores are planning a revolt and festering. that sounds so disgusting.

apparantly yearbooks 'come out' on friday. which means they're planning on ripping us off for another dollar. Funny. hopefully it's good.. i think i'm in quite a few pictures- all taken courtesy of tyler gurerro. really. that kid is liek the yearbook person. I don't know why i'm talking about this.. but that just means we're close. and I'm dreading it and ready to jump f orward anyway.

I really suck at returning things on time... especially to libraries.

My heart feels heavy.. and I don't know why... it's not in like a cholesterol sense.. but more of a life universe and everythign type of way.

I love books.. but at the same time I hate reading good ones. like puliter prize winning books. it's very bittersweet. I'm being hard on myself. and really.. I feel like a dogfish is chasing me.

Lit magazine is at the press right now. I'm exciited. my piece is first. which hopefully give a good impression for the magazine over all. We've got it all. Lei wrote a piece based on a chinese proverb, Young gave us an excert from his book, Rabah gives us a scene of amazingness. Sara- dialogue, Rose- bloody daydreams, Me-change, there's more stuff, and the art throughout is generally amazing. hopefully that'll come out this week.

Time to cracker down.

Edit: apparantly L&S college at Berk doesn't take AP credit after you've been accepted. so I dont' even know why i'm trying at all.. ugh.

"Tell all my friends I'm dead...
it won't belong before you forget my name..."

Monday, April 24, 2006

See you in four weeks

So with an overall focus on teh Cockulus and teh physics, I will be spending the rest of my high school career doing this:

this week: practice papers for physics/calculus; refresher spark notes on EOE, 100Years, Beloved, LM; golf; Multi Genre Paper
Next week: AP Physics stuff; more practice papers for SL physics; golf; History; multi genre paper
Week after: Learn mathemagic, go over couple of topics on chem; multi genre paper

PROM!
STATE (hopefully)!
GRADUATION!
PARTY!


I probably have to do some labs that were due back in january for chem to keep my A though.. le sigh.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Urgh

MUN sucks.

Posistion papers suck, Resolutions suck

Math finals suck

Math in general sucks

end of april sucks

beginning of may sucks

golf sucks.. or rather I suck at it

my writing sucks

people suck

I'm about to do the one thing everything in my life told me not to do: be confrontational.

wish me luck. (accidental rhymage)

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Expecting in a couple Months

It's been a while since I've felt this unhealthy. really. I just feel ugh. I eat, I sleep, I study, golf is more of a leisure thing than a "let's keep fit" sport, I can make myself look pregnant, I feel like my muscle(what I had anyway) is atrophing, I'm just over all not feeling it. Not to mention my legs are about 7 shades lighter than my arms- which has nothign to do with feeling unhealthy.. rather feeling simply gross.

I changed a tire in a dress today.. fun stuff... funny how two girls can attract five guys in helping them change a tire- unnecessary.. but pretty entertaining. my lug wrench really sucks.... I mean really really.

I think i'm turning in my acceptances and deceptances tomorrow. Yes to Berkeley No to everywhere else. Hello San Francisco.

Paradise Now is a good movie. I wish I knew the background behind it a bit better, but just the explication in the friendship with the acting and the dialogue. V. bittersweet to me. which.. btw... my story for Creative Writing is crap... and I don't kwno what I"m doing for the Lit Magazine. pretty sweet layout though.

Can I sleep with my eyes open so I can be awake for all my dreams?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Conversations

I dont' even know what's setting me over the edge right now.

what happened in the last ten minutes?

hell if I know.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

for the sake of it.

I can remember making tunnels through mounds of sand in preschool. and I think that it's mostly over. really. really.

I just watched goodnight and good luck.. I think I want the soundtrack. Maybe I should try to open that trupet case and get playing again. most likely it'll sound lke shit... but then again.. hasn't it always?

Nathan Tapp asked-on his blog, if you could have a magical twenty song cd mix.. nomatter the length of the song and that was the only thing you could listen to for the rest of your life what would the songs be? I don't know the answer to that. Ian asked the harder question... if you were followed around by a song your entire life.. what song would that be?

I feel pretty good about answering four questions out of maybe 100 ish total in Chem Bowl... my team won though.. no thanks to me or Srikar.

I took a nap today and dreamed about Dragon BallZ characters.. which is really strange considering I haven't watched that show since maybe freshman year. Then I woke up thinking I had slept 15 hours and it was morning. My mom laughed at me.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

the return

so I just finished American Gods instead of doing whatever work I have to do. I like reading. I can't believe I almost forgot I like reading. I mean, of course I always said I did and I'll never deny that I love it, but on some instictual level I think I forgot what it was like to read something for leisure that wasn't a comic book/graphic novel, though those in their own right are just as rewarding. Neil Gaiman is still genius.

I'm getting used to the idea of San Fransisco (I'm probably going to Berkeley and SF is close) west won't be bad with the riceoroni and the trolleys...if the dogs bark and the bees sting... and I'm feeling sad.. i'll simply remmeber my favorite things.. and then I won't feel so bad.

In CW #1, Bournes gave us an assignment to rewrite that song.. mine was pretty decent... though my poetry skills are mad lacking.

in CW#3(the current one) we're doing shorts. which is what I tell myself I'm good at. but at the same time is one of the most painful processes I know. Really.. it is. I think all 'art' is that way. if takenseriously enough. sometimes.. they take it too seriously.

I found my wallet. it was at starbucks

I decided I'm going to try to dress nicer more often... doesn't mean no teeshirts and jeans for jessica... and it definitely doens't mean wear heels everyday. But I'm going to resist my urges to scrubb out.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

At the end of all things

SO I guess its over... with the exception of princeton.. who decided they'd only post through snail mail. It's kinda of a relief. Congratulations to everyone who got into fricken amazing schools. Somehow it feels like all of our hard work has payed off.. and well.. I have to say It feels pretty awesome to have such an amazing class of IB kids.

Only thing left is to keep my B in Calc, study for some tests, rock some golf-ness, finish the lit magazine, write, find a job, and smile :O)

SOmetimes I wish I were bettter at packaging myself on paper, but everything turned out well.

guess what? WE'RE GOING TO COLLEGE

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

We're gonna fight the Eskimos next, you know that?

I'm pretty proud of what i've gotten done over the beginning of spring break. I finished a scholarship application, cleaned out my car (god knows i needed to do that) that was pretty gross. I no longer have lemonade all over my cds, nor am I able to live in my car anymore- all my food and clothes aren't in there anymore. I actually put my golf balls in a box so they don't roll around... someone should be proud. My room is next... both "my" rooms if I look around me right now. I'm leaving hanging out for tomorrow and Friday and Saturday and Sunday. hopefully I'll finish almost everything tonight.

I watched Crash yesterday for the first time. I almost cried at the part Don Cheadle(sp) got pwned by his mom. Just like East of Eden when Adam gets pwned by his mom(well step mom). It was okay overall. I thought that they did a good connecting job.. but some of the characters weren't developed very well.

you know.. I haven't colored with crayons in a long time.. I think I'm going to start that again.

I think April 14th is going to be a good day. IB Art exam/display, the big 18, my mom's turning 50, Lit Magazine submissions are due... speaking of which I should prostitute that more.

A week is actually a short time. a really short time. I find out from a lot of school tomorrow and the day after if they like me or not. So far.. I am loved.

I really feel like dancing... or sitting with people talking about nothing. I think those are the best times.. when we talk about nothing.

I'm glad my mom tells me stories about herself, and her parents, and her grandparents and so on. I feel like I know them better. I never knew my family was interesting... I thought we were just a bunch of hard working teachers... apparantly not. my Great grandfather owned goldmines.... weird eh? Its like I can really see my mom. instead of just living with her. sometimes I hate language barriers- if those weren't here I think i'd know my extended family a lot better.. and if they weren't on the other side of the world...or dead.

somehow I don't feel relaxed. I've been sleeping a lot, eating more.. hanging out some. but its like I have a constant crick in my neck. or I'm worrying about something.. but I don't know what. or I tell myself I don't know what I'm worrying about.

Tell me your stories, because I dont' have any of my own.

Monday, March 27, 2006

not good enough

The wachowski (sp?) brothers are trying too hard to relive the matrix,

I personally need to work on my short game bit.

James Bond has amazing STD repellant.

I hadn't fully appreciated Austin Powers until I saw Goldfinger, and From Russia with Love yesterday night.

I need to find de-tanner... but not quite Michael Jackson Style.

people come home from new york today.

break makes me shower at weird times of the day.

It's Coming.. and no I'm not talking about prom or homecoming.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Be Happy to be Rejected!

What: gambling pool
When: before this FRIDAY March 24
Who: YOU! (Ian and I are running this)

How:
-Create a list of schools you've applied to, and hypothesize accepted :) or rejected :( for each school
-exclude schools you've already been accepted/rejected to, and schools that are shoe ins (Ie. CU)
-send list to Iannappier@gmail.com, and Jessi.Park@gmail.com
-track me down and hand me five dollars
-you're valid only if both are in.

winners will be decided by the ratio of (estimated right)/(estimated wrong)
waitlisting = rejection... (yes they are equivalent Ian)
3rd place winner: tough love.
2nd place winner: breaks even (ie.. fi' dolla back)
1st place winner: takes the pot.


you know you want to.

Friday, March 17, 2006

did you know bologna is 38% hoof?

funny how a comedic chick flick puts everything wrong with my world right.

Tonight was a good night with Kaitlin and Amanda Bynes... though she kinda fails at pulling off the crossdressing.

I might just have a thing for crossdressing plotlines.

sixteen candles is overrated.

blue applesauce.. surprisingly good.

smiling doesn't seem like a foreign concept.

nodworthy.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Lethargy

thanks to Foote, I have now heard 'Here comes the Sun' and 'Ruby Tuesday' among others that I had never listened to before and should have.

It's wierd looking at job aplications. makes me feel old.

Reading "Uncle WIggily in Connecticut" makes me sad. I hope I never turn into that.

Blargh.. for old times sake
I feel like I've changed a lot since that time a year ago... not even so long. we all have. It's natural for me to have that dent between my eyes now, a cowlick in my hair from pulling at it, and a crick in my shoulder from hunching over. I don't smile as much as I used to and I tried to talk to my parents abotu politics.. great idea Jessica.

I used to be talky and smiley... what happened?

and Nick.. do send/burn me something good by Pelican.

I'm going to go commandeer Hollen's beach house.

I bought a dress yesterday and a straightener. the dress is marylin monroe-y and the straightener is pretty amazing.

Janet Comes Home (almost) tomorrow. :)

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Lean on me...

I got stuck in an elevator this weekend for forty minutes. It was at capacity.... and then we stopped.. right on our floor and the door wouldn't open. Girls can be really annoying and shreiky. Thus, two girls started to freak out because of claustrophobia..and one girl thought it would be a good time to hope that she didn't throw up because she had eariler that day. It was actually rather fun.

I learned the Pretzel for real this time... and matt threw me around his waist. I love swing dancing.

I really can't write poetry.. I'll be glad when this unit is done in wills'.

We need to find a new Key Club Sponsor because Fox (dont' even say it Ian) is bailing on us. If I had gone to convention last year.. I would have been so much better with all of this stuff.

people gossip too much... and really.. I dont' know if its true.

oh the hipster girls from Cali... reminds me of joyce. and I really hate leggings.. and at the same time, I want a pair. kinda like gauchos, I think its something like they're so ugly they're cute. you know?

this year we raised about 13000 dollars for the school in Vietnam + the 28,000 from previous years. that's pretty awesome.

Riverton's Key Club is ridiculous. seriously. ridiculous. but next year Smoky's goign to Represent on the Board.

To two day weeks of school!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

materialism in list form

Things I want:

CDS:
- Pink Moon, Nick Drake
- The Light of Things Hoped for, Brave Saint Saturn
- Everything in Transit- Jack's Mannequin
- Electric Boogaloo-five Iron Frenzy
- something good by Pelican.
-something good by the Flaming Lips

DVDs:
Gilmore Girls seasons 1-3
Batman: the Animated Series seasons 1-4
Batman Beyond season 1 (if season two were out that'd be better)
Adaptation
The Goonies
Edward Scissorhands
LOTR: Fellowship of the Rings- Extended Edition
LOTR: Two Towers- Extended Edition
The Big Sleep
Finding Neverland
Sin City


Books:
The Max
Sandman: #2,3,8,10, endless nights
Watchmen
Bluebeard by Vonnegut
Harry Potter #7
The Long Goodbye by Chandler


I like how i can convince my parents to buy all the books I want, so I already own most of the ones I wanted before. For the rest of it, i need a job.. unless there are people willing to burn me the aforementioned cds.

Funny how Ecclesiastes chreers me up... in a depressing way.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

cycles

I guess its back to square three.

Sometimes I just want to yell at people to get all my frustration out. Though, I think i'd be without friends or tact then. and really doesn't help anyone out. I'm too... non-apathetic, no matter how hard I try not to be.

I'm not mopey. Time is just molasses-ing along through the week, and at the same time moving at Mach 3. Its that teenage uselessness coming into play.

I'm having troubles coming up with words with meaning. All I can think to do lately is steal from people better than me.

Sweat blood and tears- that's what made me the way I am today.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Eleventy one kinda sucks... a lot.

oh well.. first tournament. I was happy, or at least satisfied with the front nine.. and then the back nine went to shit. hazards galore, and three putts all around.

I've been reading Brief Lives chapter by chapter (if you couldn't tell by my last post.. or if you're sneaky, the title of my post before that) I have to say he's just a genius- with plot, and words, and ideas. Neil's one of those writers that makes me think i'm unworthy to even try to write and at the same time, he makes me want to do it even more.

My parents have begun to tell me where to go and what to study again. No, I don't want to be a doctor. Yes, there's still a possibility of me going to New York if I get in to Columbia. No, I don't care that some girl got murdered and wrapped in mailing tape (weird) in the city. She was probably being dumb and walking alone at night anyway. And finally, no I don't care if I'm financially stable or not.

I can't write poetry. Its not in me. really I can't...

I need to call my sisters more often. They always call us.

I heard my first good sermon in 7 months today. yay for the church finally noticing the youth group. not yay for the Korean ministry stealing/ jacking up all of our equipment and not yay for them painting our room poorly/thecolor of peasoup puke.

I've always loved stars. even to the point of looking up while driving and swerving onto the other side of the street (only in neighborhoods) too bad I don't have a moonroof in my car. and with that, some words from Neil:

"I like the stars. Its the illusion of permanence, I think. I mean, they're always flaring up and caving in and going out. But from here, I can pretend... I can pretend that things last. I can pretend that lives last longer than moments."

Thursday, March 02, 2006

A Xanga-esque post.

For you unbelievers... which is pretty much everyone.

"Reason. It is no more reliable a tool than instinct, myth or Dream. They are exploring and creating, defining and dissecting."
"Do they think that they can impale the soul of [an ape] on their knives? that if they cut deep enough they can extract its dreams naked and writhing and screaming from its heads. Reason is a flawed tool at best."

I think Brief Lives is my favorite of all the Sandmans. That's where that ^ came from. One of my favorite parts is looking at Dave McKeans artwork inbetween the chapters. It's very... Dangeresque III. i dont' know what I meant by that.

I'm ready for a new day to start.

I beat minesweeper.

Because feeding the soul is more important than feeding the body.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

That thing that lets you know time is happening.

Ian needs to give me back all my Sandmans... because they're amazing- and I want to read them again. Maybe it's time for a trip to Borders. People complain about the chains, that they're too corporate or whatever.. yeah small bookstores are nice.. but sometimes if they're really empty you get stared at for sitting down and reading something you didn't buy.

I need to stop watching home improvement shows like Devine Design, While you were out, Get Color! and so on... I've recently taken to thinking about paint colors and building armoires.

It feels like summer- not helping the lazy.. lets-play-minesweeper-and-not-do-work phase. hopefully it stays atleast through saturday.. where I can golf my butt off against other girls from other schools all of whom seem to be a lot better than me, or a lot worse.

Thursday's going to be fun. Physics test, math quiz, english essay? good thing there's not chemistry too.

At the beginning of the year.. Alliy and I put something like ' we're gonna be best friends' in the Key CLub flyer, and now, with Lit club.. our posters, lets just say are going to be amazing. I love going through with ridiculous ideas.

Facebook mixing with highschool facebook- bad idea.. gonna lower the quality of facebook as a online thingy. turn it into a myspace type thing.

I can't take it anymore. the obnoxiousities of Calculus class (and of not calculus class) and loud offensive statements. I jsut don't feel like playing a long and laughing anymore. Just not in the mood.

in a little bit of Rabah style:
14 days until the end of a two day week.
30 days until the "dear jessica, we love/hate you" letters start coming in.
45 days until my mom's birfday.. and 45 until mine.
88 days until one of those freeze frame jump into the air moments because High School is DONE!!!!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Don't wait for me.. I got a lot to do, got a lot to be

I was down to fifteen mines... and then the smiley face blewup and had x's for eyes. I'm gonna beat the expert level of that game oneday. One day soom.

I like the new sound to keasbey. the play between the horns on Walking Away got a lot better.

I'm at that place again where I'm sick of everyone and their crap that belongs on Planet lookatmelookatme. except for a couple of people.. me thinks its time for a getaway... which won't happen anytime soon.

Why is it.. i'm good at putting on practice greens and in my house.. and then start suckaroo-ing once i start actually playing? It starts tomorrow. I'm superdeeduper excited. Bring on the freshmen.. adn the golf balls.. and Alwin's crazy swings.

it jsut means that April first is that much closer.. and may too.

I need something like a carnival or another shortfilm festival or SOMETHING that isn't the movies or something I could do at anytime to give me a "hey... life isn't dry and meticulously draining you of joy"

Just stick me in an igloo in the middle of the Yukon. or give me New york, or Boston, or CHicago somewhere away from this egotistical shithole of a city with its festering teenagers and maybe when I come back after a week or two, I'll beable to say "It isn't as bad as I thought it was"

Jen was talking about us living together in the same city- raising kids together- being closer as sisters. Good idea... but i've got to move. wiggle room- trips to Barcelona, or Kyoto. Big trips.. I'll slip out of the manacles of settledness somehow. restless like thistle in the wind.

I miss Janet.

Don't cry emo kid.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Crying Josh a river.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Neil Gaiman is Amazing

I don't think I have very much in common with my family at all. maybe that's just the typical teenager in me thinking, but really. I don't.

amnesty night was pretty awesome.. there was a little bit of running around.. but over all a really good performance.. I liked ICE... and Lani and I performed Give Peace a Chance, which went over well other than the ruining of several pots and pans /instruments and not being able to hear us.

I love the backstreet boys. AJ is awesome.

in fits of Delirium.


I am getting way too much sleep.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Better Than Basketball

Come to AMNESTY NIGHT (Entertain Your Human Rights)

Friday 2.17 (Tomorrow)

7pm

$5

Food,
Art,
Human Rights and

Performances by:
Kris Becker
The Panic Sphere
ICE
Hip HOp CLub
Rachel Pontious
Sidney Masuga
and yeah they managed to fit in more than that.

BE THERE.. we're going to beat Mullen anyway.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

"like a sunset on another empty night"

It's funny when sleep doesn't help anymore- doesn't matter if its 2 hours or 15.. but i'm still sleepy, and I could still always sleep more.

I feel like I do alot once I get to school- everythign that I have to do jstu hits me, when as soon as I step into my car again... I stop thinking and just get super lethargic. maybe I shoudl live at school so I can be productive and psychotic all the time.

I just watched my first bit of olympics in probably about 6 or 8 years. I remmeebnr watching womens figure skating on my parents bed with my mom dad jen and janet all beneath the covers when I was maybe five or seven. Kinda wish I had the time to do that again.. though they no longer have a tv in their room.

Oh and I got an extra copy of the receipt :o) 25 dollars saved,... 10 more to go.

I need to... idk.. stand at the top of a mountain and scream for a good minute or two... and then fall backwards into a pile of snow.. and stare at running clouds laughing because I'm not anymore. just.. watching the running.

To the end- in hopes it comes quicker.

Monday, February 13, 2006

He climbed down on the stars

I feel like I've been in fifth gear for over a week and a half. Yeah I got a rest this weekend, but didn't feel like it.

We sold about one hundred dollars worth of hershey's kisses.. which means abotu a 60 dollar profit. awesome. I lost one of my receipts.. not awesome.

I'm bitter about science bowl- what a bad way to end.

All I want is for everything to stop, and for me to just... golf.. and read.. and write..and hang out... and get into freaking college.

Can I be sleeping beauty and sleep for a hundred years? I'm ready.

Can't see me flying because all I'm doing is falling- and that's not even buzz lightyear with style business. just flailing, and failing.

breathing is good.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

guess that didn't last long.

right now i'm debating sleeping or not. however, the actual topic of my IA is still up for grabs, as well.. i don't really know much at all about the middle east. so just becasue i'm reading a lot of good info on egypt and Nasser and stuff.. doens't mean that B and C are written.. so... can I do it all tomorrow before midnight? hopefully?

sleep deprivation really gets to me. one night its okay- but two and a half in a row? no. naps only help for the immidiate couple of hours after that when its this bad.

Its shocking to count how many months it had been before i had a real conversation with Chris yesternight. He's a good kid.

i'm tempted to leave off for tomorrow post 6.5 hours of sleep. Maybe not go to creative writing? idk. mentors? idk.

I have a kenkersore in my mouth. I haven't had one of those for a long time. it makes me clentch my jaw which probably isn't good for whatever's wrong wiht it.

bed? bed? bed.

I feel like a beetle under a ton of bricks.

Jason Mraz tells me to not worry my day away. Maybe i'll just frantically run my day away instead.

sorry for the disjointed nature of this post.

Monday, January 30, 2006

When the need comes around.

I think I'm going to try the old fashioned paper journal approach- You'd assume I'd be able to write more freely there- but I have this paranoia that someone is going to find it (where it's sitting on my desk) and look through it- so i write everything vaguely and don't have any space to reflect- but I do that here too. There is no difference.

I don't know.

I might be back in a week.

I'm in one of those moods where I want to curl up in a big chair with a mug of something and stare out at the rain, or a sunset/rise- but there is no rain/sunset/rise and no time to curl up into big chairs.

I have to move along and run around in circles- because that's what I expect out of myself.

"I'm never going to be good enough for you am I?"

Saturday, January 28, 2006

I guess it's present buying season.

And knowing that... I'm almost broke- Ian's birfday, Janet's birfday, Yang's birfday in February, screw March and mine, my mother's, Charlie's, (Hannah and Vince too) Foote's and Taifur's in April... and then School is done... done done done done done done done done.


I spent today sleeping... I ate some pizza...watched some crap and then fell back asleep ont he couch... and then ate dinner.. I am a bum. remember that brand of clothing? I used to have a pretty awesome sweatshirt as a kid from that company.

According to I-tunes, my most listened to song is 'The Silent Enigma' but I bet if it counted the songs I listen to in my car and in my bathroom... it wouldn't be- then again it might be 'opener' by Jimmy just because the first verse plays probably five times a morning due to my snooze hitting.

golf is starting! and I'm not going to be the only senior.. take THAT Alison and Amanda... who never read this anyway. Coach Steenrod is pretty awesome..

I'm really tempted to skip Denver Rescue Mission for Lit Club on Tuesday.... should I? hrmmmm....

Happy birfday Yesterday Joe- I hope I made it happier and not un-happier.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Going on a Date with Rabah Tomorrow (maybe)

"You are lucky to have so many beautiful butterflies around you. be nice to her especially, becuase you never know when she might fly away"

Casablanca is an experience, getting fed by the chef, having my hands washed by chris, the no utensils business, the amazing food, belly dancing, and races to finish the oranges. I'd say the money was worth it.

Tonight was pretty damn fun- swing dancing with himanchu, definitely the highlight of the dance. makes me miss my Texas boys.

I wanna cook more often, or rather, make things with food more often.

I wanna learn to belly dance

I wanna get into better shape

I wanna learn how to crump


My dad doesn't understand the beauty of waking up early for the simplicity of watching the sun rise from a place that's pretty amazing. pretty amazing. pretty amazing.

Friday, January 20, 2006

First Try



I think its okay for not knowing what to do with a brush.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Nothing changes.

Ben Ildae Lim- one word comes to mind- fresh- like toothpaste. He's got college, the Yummies, his other job with MusicLink, and yet manages time to talk to scrunts like me. He's got it happening.

Steinbeck is good, not great. Tortilla Flat... not really interesting me right now.

I'm really tempted to keep Watchmen for myself instead of giving it away. V for Vendetta was pretty awesome.

My mood is vastly better than it was at the beginning of the year.

Snowflake Shake.. eh.... eh.... fine I'll go.... eh...

I realise I still have Ned's We.

"Really.. we only have like three weeks left"

"Can you see when you laugh?.. I can't."

Monday, January 16, 2006

feels good.

I peed for about half a minute... it was amazing.

and then I knocked my foot into a door and I think I might have wokien up my dad... not so amazing.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Iso

There's something special about seeing people by themselves. They're not trying to impress anyone, and it seems like they're taking a lot more time to think about things. What things? anything, life, God, crayons.

Last sunday I peeked into the sanctuary before the College Ministry and Peter was there playing his guitar, singing his heart out. Just sitting on the edge of the platform and jamming with God. Today at Chipotle, as I was leaving, one of the workers had a burrito bol filled with mango slices.. I don't know where she got the mango, but she was enjoying them. It was pretty sweet.

I like wasting time with myself. I don't get to do it very much, because I often regard it as time not well spent. I could be seeing people I don't get to see much outside of school, or I could be doing that thing... you know.. that one thing that needs to be done by soemtime soon, but not tomorrow?

Over break I was going to see Kong by myself, my dad insisted on coming along even though he didn't want to see it. I don't like knowing the person next to me isn't enjoying the movie. I think that's one of the reasons I like to be alone- I always worry whether whoever's with me is enjoying themselves...

I think I'd like to go back into cherry creek state park- I haven't been there since we went for Bio Sophomore year.

This weekend:
Brokeback mountain,
possible church lock in,
boarding?
cutting yangs hair?
Mercury cafe?

Monday, January 09, 2006

I call BS

So today I went to poetry club, a little awkward, because I don't really know anyone there. There's a lot of talent out there. Its all slam style, rather sweet, but what happened to the sestinas and the pantoums?
Andres fed me a bit of bullshit though- saying no one is better than anyone else. There will always be a ranking system-- maybe somethings are incomparable...but screw that.

I think one of my favorite parts of the week is coming up with ideas for lit club.

"He didn't want to get lost in the woods. So he made a very small forest, with just one tree in it"

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Your time will come

I'll be feeling the pains of not doing anything this weekend tomorrow.
I think I just saw my clock move backwards an hour.

Matt Lockermann is going to end up a tragic footnote on the page of Ian and Josh.

an hour an a half for over four months of barely talking cannot be enough.

MTV is scandalously shallow. "I want my own kelly clarkson!" okay.. we'll audition people who don't mind pretending to be someone else just so that they can get some ass. I think I lost a lot of neurons watching that channel this weekend.

I didn't get to see slam poetry ..le sigh... maybe next time.

Friday, January 06, 2006

You're not You anymore.

I don't know what happened this week. off moods everyday, unmotivated to do anything. Sorry to those of you who dont' want to hear it, but its not that time of month. I have no excuse. I'm not supposed to be crabby and easily pissed off.

I definitely caught myself in the act of immortalizing the people I don't see anymore. All their sins have washed away and all I can see is goodness. somewhere deep down, i know that's not true. They're People, jessica, remember that. They're not going to fix you.

All other times seem better than now, whether that's past or future.

I lost Bluebeard somewhere on Tuesday. There was an amazing doodle by sidney in it. What a freaking talented girl. And I wanna finish that book.

I'm in a mood for no reason. help me out.

I probably shouldn't post this.

"There's something wrong with that blood; I can see it."

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

:o(

I can't finish a chipotle anymore.


le sigh.

Monday, January 02, 2006

you're what you own

Its very apparant that most people are motivated at this period in time- its a new year which means a "blank slate" and time to self actualize.

I'm giving up on everything. I'm never going to be tidy, I'm never going to have pretty handwriting (might I admit to testing out the 3rd grader's writing tablet i got for festivus?) and I'm never going to be eloquent.

however, I think my Brown interview went well- better than my columbia one.

The news really makes me sad these days. No wonder I didn't read it for so long.

Humphrey Bogart is a badass.

You never said I couldn't do it... maybe I said it to myself.