Its new years Eve

I'm Done!!!!!!

2005.

This is my year in a general chron order. A lot of new, a lot of old. something crazy went down this year

black tie New Years Party at kaile's house, glutton bowl, air soft guns, K's Porshe

Ski Trip not enough car space, hot tubs, who woudl you rather, good mixes,

DC ian got a thong for his birthday, Israeliv became Jizraeliv, and there were talks on the hidden staircases. "I can't don't exist" I also saw Fatimah without her headscarf on.

Golf got louder with Teegan and Rachel- i dont' know if Steenrod liked it... but more amusing anyway.

Birthday Came and Went- I got some cool beads (which reappeared at prom) and a nice tiara- I think I sucked that tournament

Tests happened... Ian told me about throwin' down the nickel.. though it didn't really help.

Prom Happened- a little collar tug in the direction of Chris and Eileen, Ian won't dance. food was good. massive cake. the Denver Post building is pretty sweet. I met Conor, Red Rocks, Egdorf, cracking my head onthe ice..and then home and sleep.

IB Assembly: highlight: the mimicking of Jizraeliv's hand motions. Chipotle afterwards.. possibly the worst chipotle I've ever had.

Picnic- I can now tie shoes with my feet

Graduation = party (ian's gonna kill me for that equals sign) Israelivs, Neds, Conors, JOyce, Molly, Jeff, and Matt/paul/Anthony/Ellen/Nathan's

Europe- Berlin, prague, krakow, auschwitz, budapest, vienna, Salzburg, Munich- meeting Matt and Ned. Getting Locked in a park.. Shane and Randy, Talks with Molly in Stairwells, almost getting suspended, prague beads, Die Toten hosen/trisestry/Slobodna, 'eat towards them,' sing-a-long with lauren

Harvard- figuring out the Subway system, dance parties, MTP (mathias), sardines in Widener, Uno's, St James, Chong's party, Harry potter, New York, Horrible Horrible Filippes/cabana boy, Love Shack, Brown, Yale, Healthies, Swing Dancing, Charlie/Hannah/Heita running five million miles, MAC, Au Bon Pain, Emails, Science Center, Party ROom, Stealing from Annenberg, Rocky Horror

Home- parks, catching up, CHilis,

College sorting

Key Leader- "Bonfire", hike to nowhere, Yeeahyuh, starbucks, Ride that Pony,

Labor Day Weekend- taste of colorado, sushi den

Star Wars nights

Rent with malorie

People come home/Time warp to last year

too many deaths- I didn't know them (Seho and Ian). but I knew their faces. crumbling.

San Diego- woot woot, PB, Seashells, cheap clothes, mountains to the east, giant sheepdog waves, gross birds, not shotgun, Gettin down with the homeless, extraordinary desserts.

I'm Going to San Diego!

see title.

reach

It's so close I can taste being done (what a cliche)
You're not gonna get any closer if you don't start doin some work, Park
I don't wanna!
Do it.

Final stretch.. almost there...
I'm reaching my arm out- if only there was someone to pull me the rest of the way.

about 89 days left of school give or take a day or two.

"Will I lose my dignity, Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"

hooah

knee high powder is amazing... and I m completely out of shape.
San Diego next week. Festivus on Friday.
Shopping tomorrow.

King Kong is okay. a little ridiculous.. i like how kong's to scale all the time. Adrian Brody...Not a big fan of the nose.. but still what a fricken hot guy.

That was a deep entry.

Nothing like it

I'm probably gona end up staying up for a while.. so I decided to take a little break... which'll probably turn into a big one.

I want to start knitting rabah's scarf: the yarn I got is pretty amazing it goes from FAT to skinny within a space of like 3 inches. but I have to finish my othe rtwo first.

one more day eh? its probably gonna be relatively easy- depends on how much I do tonight. I think they generally space out breaks perfectly. just as I feel there's no more of me left to put into anything... I get a break.. and even though it may not be reallly truly refreshing... its good enough to get me to the next one.

people are trickling in. it felt like last year today seeing rollins, anthony, ellen, and the malibu in the school parking lot. I forgot how long it had been since I've seen some of these people. Festivus is gonna be amazing.

Too much to do Too little time.

"I am a banana!"

i need to stop being self depreciating.

Janet's Home!

This week: last tok class, History final, Science bowl teams, people come home. Stanford App due.
Next week: College apps, Festivus, chillaxing
Week after: Christmas, San Diego, New Years.

band of the weekend: the Decembrists

maybe I changed my mind

I love this weather. Its refreshing to walk outside and it just smells Clean. I guess it kinda sucks after a while when you start freezing.. but.. its still amazing.
I'm currently Cable-knitting a scarf... though I'm wondering if I should pull out my work and knit regularly, because it takes less yarn to make it fatter and probably longer. I hope I have enough yarn.

Sometimes I imagine myself in a large empty room with a giant fireplace, my knitting, a couple of books, and a journal. I think that would be amazing. something about being completely alone is appealing these days.

I think College is definitely on a lot of people's minds. stuff needs to get in, early decisions are coming back... you know what? it'll go faster if you don't think about it (for the Early D/A ones. not that I won't be bouncing antsily for the returning letters in April.

A b'girl party!

So basically I slept about a total of... 27 hours over the past 48 hours. I don't know what My problem is.. either i'm developing narcolepsy.. or something. hopefully it was just from not sleeping the week before.

There's a lot that I have to do. but somehow.. i don't really care about hat right now. I always say i'm gonna do stuff over weekends.. but itnever happens. I always end up packing it into the week.

four school weeks until we're at the half way point. I'm excited to be in TWO english classes. It's going to be amazing. I was thinking about taking another art class. I miss being decent at art. now I just kinda suck. i think I'll like the off period though.

popsicles are like little icy sticks of joy.

I guess I should start working.

I need to kick back in Today, instead of grasping for Tomorrow or Yesterday.

why don't we use the term Yesternight anymore?

Zero to hero

I've been reading a lot of mythology lately, and I must say, its some pretty wierd stuff. I never really thought about Zeus turning into a swan and having sex with Leda. She's having sex with a swan... whaaa??
and then there's always postthumous sex- somehow also including getting pregnant, and crossdressing. I have to say its pretty entertaining stuff... though I should give Ady his books back soon.

I'm excited for festivus.

"You are what you love, not what loves you"

Sometimes I look back at some posts I created- and never posted.. I think those are the ones that say more about me than anything I have posted.

I hate those times when I look in the mirror and I find everything wrong with my face. Those aren't good days. I think I'm prettier at night.

everything comes back to me. I don't know about anything going on outside jessica's little world of IB and college. Not really a fan of that, but I don't see myself doign anything about it.

I love fruit. if you look at persimmons closely it looks like they have cinnamon in them. they taste like they have cinnamon in them- i just dont' like it when they get slimy. I think my favorite fruit might be the white peach.. despite having found a grub in one once. it inched across the table in a lazy fat manner just as I bit into the half that I had cut.. it was exactly the same colour as the peach and squishy.

I'm a bit miffed J.C. likes to believe the worst in people. It seems whenever I try to have a little bit of respect for the guy, it comes crashing down. I find it depressing that Peter can give better messages than JC can despite going to seminary.

Age of Innocence is painful. East of eden was pretty amazing. not quite to the point of making me stop and wonder at Steinbeck's genious, but still good.

There's something about good ol' Jerome David that gives me shivers.

If I love books and writing so much, then why do I have such a hard time putting words together?

I hate being vulnerable. love's one of those things where you cut yourself open and you don't care what they do to you. Anything is justified. Isn't that horrifying.

Maybe I'm cutting myself open and you're still a hundred yards away. I'm waiting.

What the Doctor Ordered

Lately I haven't been so please with myself. I had been needy and whiny and I was generally annoying myself to the point where I wanted to separate and never see myself again. Today was a first good day in a long time.

RENT is amazing. to you musical haters (cough joe cough) go see it. I cried like I haven't cried before in a movie. It was amazing and I'm glad I wasn't dissapointed after Harry Potter. Original cast was a good plan because they were the ones who made these characters who they are- it wouldn't be the same with Justin Timberlake playing Roger (which- adam pascal is AMAZING). Dinner with Malorie was nice too. I hadn't been able to catch up with her in a long time.

Its going to be a good movie season. for the past two years I've been really dissapointed with the majority of the movies that have come out. They're making a movie out of V for Vendetta (which gives me an excuse to go buy it- instead of reading the couple pages of it every time its in a bookstore I'm in) Memoirs of a Geisha is coming out- i don't know how good of a movie it's going to be- but the book was pretty good- I want to see how they characterize Nobu. POTC 2 comes out next summer, as does Xmen 3- which.. if they set it up for a fourth, I'm going to be mad- because you need to stop somewhere. the previews for pride and prejudice make me want to see sense and sensibility again. I tried to read S&S and it was super boring.. I'm not a big fan of Chopin, Wharton, Ausin or the Brontes... I know there are other movies that I want to see that I'm not thinking of right now.

I started baking pie today- well i made the crust because it has to refrigerate over night- but.. I had forgotton how much I love baking. Its amazing to see how some different powders and liquids can mesh to form amazing food (that's usually amazingly bad for you)

I'm debating whether or not to go to T2 because I should be spending that time with my family.

A List of Thanks

last year I had a list of over a hundred thigns I'm thankful for. This year.. I'm cutting it back. these are the top 20 things I'm thankful for- in no particular order some are explained.. others don't need it.

1. my family
2. independance
3. God
4. creativity
5. time
6. Joe's Joeness
7. Peter Song for keepin it real with the youth group
8. swings
9. choice
10. SSP- esp. Kristine, Charlie, and Misha
11. Lauren's hugs
12. J.D. Salinger
13. intelligence
14. Self Esteem
15. not being high maintenence
16. Rabah's ability to make anything and everything poetic
17. Lunches and talks with Kaile
18. Social life to keep me sane
19. Ian's crazy ideas
20. sleep

that's not everything I'm thankful for..and sometimes I'm not thankful for them. butyou know what- this is a genuine list. Nothings on here because I'm obligated to put it on here because of who does and doesn't read this.

Happy Glutton day guys.

Tea and Time

There's something about green tea that beats out every other kind. I could drink a genuiune version of green tea- one that resembles more of a pea soup than a clear somewhat green liquid. It's amazing. no other can compare to that japanese goodness.

The time is coming where thankful lists are just around the corner. I wonder how much its changed- how much its stayed the same.

This time of the year has to be one of the worst- in terms of school, but one of the best in terms of fruit- though i'd have to say peach season is better than this persimmon/grape season. i just want to get through the next two days... and then Harry Potter... and then and then Rent... with amazing adam pascal, i'm super de duper excited for both.

I've given myself an until next wednesday deadline to talk to Charlie, Kristine and Misha.

Time to crack down.

I dunno man, I dunno.

I went and saw Malorie today in Little Women, it was pretty sweet, i thinkt hat was one of my favorite books as a kid. and you know.. I was thinking about it during the musical, and really, most of my favorite books and movies have been about writers, or writing or something to that extent. Maybe I make them my favorites becasue it seems right, maybe I'm simply drawn to them. I think its the Latter.

There's something about talent that's unattainable for me. I guess sometimes I feel mediocre at best next to certain people. Maybe I'm pulling myself in too many directions. I've got this image of these strings, not unlike ian's wax-wires that are pulling at me, and eventually splatter me across this room as limbs and my nose go flying across the room. I don't want to be mediocre. I want to be amazing.

being teeny-bopper

I guess you could say that this week has been pretty busy, but its been a good week. Today I watched the Gilmore Girls I taped yesterday, and I must say that it was the highlight of my week so far. Why you ask? Jess comes back. what an awesome loveable character he makes. I feel like i'm back in eigth grade attaching all those last names to mine. Not that K ever reads this (and she's the only one who'll get it except perhaps kaile) I was Jessica Shim Park Park Kim Bloom Bloom.. but it went on forever. I've narrowed my list.. checked it twice and I come up with one name. Milo Ventimiglia. what a freaking hottie. Maybe its just the 'jess' character he plays, but seriously... waaay more attracted to him than probably any other actor, though I may admire other's acting abilities more.

Gilmore Girls has yes gotten worse since the third season (its now in its 6th), but its the little 'Jess is back' episodes that keep me going... keep me watching. That episode made me want to go out and buy season two and three for the jessosity- but i don't have that kind of money.

I made cake for the cake walk tomorrow. it's going to be fun.

"I love you."
"I love cake."

Not time to crack down yet.

There's something about the ending of "Hey Jude" that makes me smile. maybe it's the memories of my dad trying to imitate them, maybe its because it's in the beginning of the Royal Tenenbaums, maybe its because we all stood around a table swaying to it singing the nanananananana Hey Judes at Key Leader. but that song is just associated with good times.

November's super busy. like super-de-duper busy. I love it and hate it at the same time.

I love real compliments and at the same time i dont' know how to handle them.

I haven't talked to my sisters in a long time.

Have you ever just wanted to do something big do something great? I think one of my biggest desires is to be affective. no not effective. affective. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not.

East of Eden is a pretty amazing book. I haven't quite finished it yet. but still. I'm reminded of the intro he wrote in Cannery Row- if you have it, go look at it. his imagery just makes me warm and fuzzy.

float on.

I avoid confrontation. I can't hurt other people. I don't care if I'm hurting myself in the process. I can handle it. How the hell am I supposed to know if they can? Its disgusting. I do it anyway no matter the self-disgust factor. I can get over it. Oh you want me to lay my jacket down over that slushy muddy puddle? Well.. I bought it yesterday with all the money I had and have been saving up for it.. but okay. I take the women's way out and I end up complaining to everyone except who should hear it. is it going to change anytiem soon? well maybe I could complain less about it. that way I don't really bother whoever doesn't want to hear about it, but are too nice to say so. I'm sitting in this corner.. hello? can you see me? I'd wave my arm but it seems like I gave that to you a long time ago.courage fails. resignation creeps in. Life continues on.

Dreams be Dreams

I wish I were telepathetic
I wish something monumentally good would happen.
I wish I could just lie down and hear life.

I'm being whiny... ignore me.

It's disorienting when you don't realise how tired you really are.

Done.

So the extended essay is nicely over 3500 words (3517), and polished and pretty. For those who want to know it is "An Exploration of the Use of the Antihero in Noir Fiction" though now I really wish I had persued my original thought on Salinger or Gaiman instead of this... cop-out essay. oh well its done.. which means I'm one step closer to being done with the crap IB makes us put up with.

BBmak is pretty amazing. yay for boy bands. I need to be able to control my off days better. really I do. What would YOU do with a trillion dolars?

Dominos has some mighty good but mighty expensive breaksticks.

On Friday I bowled two games with my youth group.. I shared my 2nd game with Caroline. 1st game: 34. 2nd game 50-something. It was pretty amazing. Ildae taught me how to put spin on my ball. I rock at the bowling game.

I'm going to make an effort to learn more about my faith instead of being one of those ignorant annoyances who simply spout what they've heard in church without their own interpretations of the Biblia.

church is getting better- more bearable.

Finch is amazing.. not just pretty amazing.

I need to finish my essays and not worry about it. I'm ready for everyone to start talking about what classes they're taking and saying where their from and having to wear shoes in the shower and so on.

I'm ready for the next 24 weeks to go by quickly.

Life got better post-Extended Essay.

Breaking my Fall

So as of now. I realise tv is such a waste of time- and yet I watch it anyway.. when I'm really interested in what's on because I dont' want to do work.

My parents think 10:00 is late. and it still bugs me.

The mall is a waste of time- I really don't enjoy shopping.

So far I've watched serenity, office space, house of flying daggers, and the mighty ducks
I have yet to see high fidelity, pulp fiction, resovoir dogs and fight club.. though I doubt I'll see all of those in the next four days.

I have yet to look at my EE. Yet to open a text book... though I've been getting a fair way on apps.

I laugh at myself a lot- for the same reason I say just kidding a lot.

There is such a thing as a hot asian man.

refridgerated peanut butter > non refridgerated

Triple contractions are sweet..

okay

I think If I came home less often I'd want to do it more.

I love going to other people's houses and seeing how different each smell.

Some people I know associate people with colors or objects. I think I associate them with a certain movement. It's kinda crazy.. even If i don't remmeber how someone looks all the time.. i know how they move, or I have a picture of it in my head.

I'm exercising... gasp... it's alright.. but I suck at it.

Sometimes its nice not to talk, especially in cars.

As much as I hate to admit it sometimes.. I am such a woman.

randomity and money.

sometimes... taking a two hour nap is nice... until you realise there's more to do than you thought. eff.

On another note, I am no longer wigged out... because sleeping on it helps. as does talking to Joe.

Pelican is a pretty awesome name for a band.

Money keeps draining away. seventy dollars here.. fifty dollars there... three hundred and eighty six there.... sixty five there... there... and there...and this isn't really for me directly... its for me about ten months later. i'm guessing all application fees.. ap tests.... and IB tests come to about $1,236 What sucks is you can no longer take both Physics C tests for one fee... just as you can't for the Govs and the other joint tests.

I feel like I eat money. I need to get a job.

two pairs of my three pairs of jeans ripped...hopefully my third pair don't decide to die on me- jeans are expensive.

I dont' know when I got so money conscious. I guess because I use so much of it these days. I wish I weren't.

song ofthe day: me and julio down by the schoolyard

ToK

listening to people and thinking about stuff while generally spacing out put me in a wierd mood.
I shouldn't be allowed to think. I'm happier when I don't.

an uneventful post

This weekend has been pretty damn awesome.
I had forgotten how much I enjoy science bowl.

Kaitlin is the same as ever she cooked me food and we watched Firefly.. which is pretty good. I stole Finding neverland from her and I watched that. I also got a call from Rusty that night and we talked. What an awesome kid.

Saturday I spent filling out applications/writing essays and with my mom. We had about a three hour lunch, and then we went out to dinner together too. I watched Equilibrium.. it was fairly good- but predictable. I started looking at the SAT again. what a pain.

Today was pretty awesome. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time, like Rebecca and semi. I got to swing and do other business like that- though I probably should have come home sooner. oh well. maybe I'll watch another movie tonight.

You said we'd be together forever.

Right now, I really miss people. Not necessarily just Harvard kids, which I do, but the people I'd known throughout my life.

Its so crazy to think about how many people have affected me in a positive way. I think the whole tabula rasa idea is mostly correct, we've got some stuff that's genetic, but really, personality wise, we're our own environment. and think. if we tried to raise me again, I wouldn't be the same, even if I were around all the same people, because everything would be slightly different, I wouldn't have heard the same things, people would have said things differently, or I would have seen too much or something. I wouldn't be me.

I've said this already, but getting random messages, here, IM, facebook or otherwise or phonecalls from old friends, and I guess you could say mentors... makes me so happy. I do look forward to the future, but I cling to the past because... well... its stable. And you can let all the bad things, and all the embarassing things turn into a haze and let the good times shine through.

I think I'll write Christine a letter, I'll send Kristine a package, I'll call Charlie, Rusty, and Misha and Chong and Hollen, I'll track down Stella, and Bogo, and Ildae, and Sam and Beast, I don't know. life is short, there are too little cell phone minutes. Can't I just let them alone? But I can't. because all of them have affected me in such humongous ways its ridiculous.

I'm going to hang out with kaitlin now. I haven't seen her since August.

I miss Joyce.

College is going to be great- but what happens when I start missing all the people I see everyday now- becuase there's so many more of you?

Why does everything have to come back to college?

Climbing the Stairs in a Box

There's a lot of whining in this post. Just so you know.

I don't know if I'd like it if there were a lot of people like me. I'm very unsociable, outside a certain couple of people, i dont' like to make the effort. I'm ready for change. I'm ready for something other than smoky hill. I'm ready for living in dorms.

I think I enjoy being called dumb more so than I like being called smart. Maybe because only people I like call me dumb.. whereas people I dont' really care about so much call me smart... even though some people I care about call me smart too. It's just an obnoxious thing.

I often think about what the worth (other than name value) going to a high-end higher education institution would be. I mean, its not like I can't get a good education at boulder. I don't know. Maybe if I were doing something like astrophysics or Biomedical engineering or something I could go somewhere specialized like MIT or something. but Liberal arts? I just... I don't know.. I want to go I want to explore. I want to surround myself with people who are pretentious.. and have a right to be pretentious... and then find those few who aren't- even though they have a right to be. Do I even need a high education? i don't know.

I calculated it and if you have starbuck every single day (3 bucks ish) you're spending $1080 dollars a year. what a waste of money.

in someways senior year is pretty cool. in others.. it kinda sucks.

I can't focus. Help me focus.

Have you gotten to the part in East of Eden- its not very far in- where Adam gives Alice little presents, and after Charles beats him, she says "He doens't think his father loves him. But you love him-- you always have" and then she goes on saying that Charles is the one giving her presents. I don't know why, but that scene makes me really sad.

I need a good cry, a movie, or a book. something. I think i'm going to rent Finding Neverland this weekend. I'm in the mood for something artsy and sad. I wish we had a TV that wasn't in the middle of the house. it makes it difficult to become absorbed.

I've been off since before MUN. i don't know what it is. I don't feel like myself.

"I see it around me, I see it in everything
I could be so much more than this..."

Key Leader Conference

This weekend was exactly what I needed- a place away from complaints and college and petty self-indulgence. our speaker was so full of energy, it was hard not to be yourself. I hope I can keep this level of motivation/energy for a long time. If not, oh well, but I feel refreshed.

It was one of those times I had to ask.. who can deny that there is a higher being? I had never gone up to the mountains at this time in the fall, pre-snow. so I've never seen the aspen when they're turning. against the dark of the pines.. it's amazing. I only wish curfew wasn't so enforced.. and the outdoor lighs weren't turned on.. and then I could have stargazed.

At the same time, I wonder how real this can be. How genuine is energy if you create it? how genuine is confidence if you trick yoruself into thinking you are? at what point is it not pretending anymore?

I made goals before. and I haven't stuck to them before.. but here. keep me accountable.

1. I'm going to write one story a month at least. a full fledged story, not one of my random line incoherent ones. (November is nanowrimo. maybe i'll do it.)
2. I'm going to stop taking naps so often. I realise how much time is wasted. I can have just as much energy even if it has been 19 hours of draining energy.
3. I'm going to start exersizing. running/lifting. It's ridiculous how out of shape I am.
I burned my tongue badly. now I know why my mom said never drink hot things through straws. damn hot chocolate. However, starbucks now has caramel apple cider. amazing stuff.

EE's are due on teh 31st.. w00t.

I might watch adaptation tonight.. if I can finish my chem..

Song of the day: Banana Pancakes

A little bit of Everything

as if to say, "I'm here, don't forget about me" there have always been random IMs from the Harvard kids. Surprisingly, I haven't been able to talk to Kristine as much as I'd like.

Somehow my parents and I have gotten into a talk about relationships and how kids are having sex too much. Nice to be reminded... but.. duh, I know it already. why do my parents tell me things I know already? Why can't they tell me things I don't know? Cranberry juice mixed with sprite is pretty amazing.

I was talking about it with Joe yesterday and if you had to pick one of your friends (who isn't also part of your family) to survive some sort of apocalypse with a small group of people... who would you pick? why? is that even rational?
Tortillas and bananas, you would assume is a wierd combination. Its pretty good.
It needs to get cold. like it was on wednesday. I like the cold.

No matter how crazy life gets. there should always be time for God. I went to church today. I hadn't gone last sunday, nor the sunday before that. Its rather comforting seeing Peter. He promised he'd keep me in check spiritually. Ildae, I haven't seen in forever. he's coming back to our church now. fricken sweet. I had forgotten how powerful music is and how much a place can change in the course of two weeks.

Ildae tells me that Neil Gaiman was here at the tattered cover promoting Anansi Boys... aadgfffffggfgjkkkk I missed it. boo. what a writer. I keep calling it Anasazi boys. I wonder why.

I think that's enough for random thought.

Song of the weekend: The Boxer, Simon and Garfunkle

Go Away

I haven't wanted to pull my head under my covers, curl up in my fetal position and say just that in a long time. Needless to say I forgot to knock on wood when I said things are going great.

I lost it somewhere between calc and chemistry. which hopefully means its in Kaile's car.
I dont' even know if my opinion matters anymore... I dont' know if it ever has.

I revert back to two year old mode more than usual when I'm upset. I should have used today better. Too bad it's too cold and wet outside to go swinging and sidewalk chalk drawing.

I want to go back to yesterday. please.

Airplane would have been funnier if I wasn't so distracted.

funny

Funny how little things keep adding up
Funny how guilt can pull me down
Funny how lives keep truckin, even if yours has stopped
Funny how people so diferent can get along so well
Funny how drinking is associated wth a good time
Funny how fast clutter can creep up on you
Funny.. huh.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

Star Wars.
I have to say, the plot is pretty good. but I don't know if its been hyped too much. Because when things have been hyped too much, I start looking for all things that are wrong with it. I dunno. Sitting back and thinking about it makes me realise that it is a pretty awesome trilogy... though I have yet to see Return of the Jedi. and I am really curious to see why Anakin does what he does. I think it ruined 4, 5, and 6, knowing that he has good reason to become Vader.

Even if I had watched it as a kid, I think I would have appreciated it less.

The ships remind me of Legos. Legos are awesome.

I'm reasonably excited for Return of the Jedi tomorrow. maybe it'll be everything I dreamed of in a story.

A Thought

"[the artist] had remembered that all men, the healthy ones included, eventually die, and usually with a certain amount of bad grace, but that he, lucky man, is at least being done in by the most stimulating companion, disease or no, he has ever known."

"You wrote down that you were a writer by profession. It sounded to me like the loveliest euphemism I had ever heard. When was writing ever your profession? It's never been anything but your religion. Never... since it is your religion, do you know what you will be asked when you die?... I'm so sure you'll get asked only two questions. Were most of your stars out? were you busy writing your heart out?"

-Seymour, an Introduction

I heart salinger.

it's all happening

This past week has been pretty awesome I must say. I think it's the most i've participated in spirit week. I predict a lot of people are going to keep repeating that it's the last time doing whatever. kinda like "it's our last spirit week.. it's our last homeooming" but you know what? so what? even if its not the last live it up.
Last night was fun. I guess this means I dont' really have anything to look forward to until fall break now.

for pictures:click here

I would have uploaded more.. but I'm at my monthly limit or something.

Things I (re?)learned yesterday:
1. not wearing bras makes you really self conscious
2. women over 25 should not wear skirts more than three inches above the knee (cough walker cough)
3. watching people dance is funny. I bet i'm funny to watch too.
4. slurpees are cheap.
5. pizza breath is worse than chinese food breath.

I watched almost famous last night/today. I had almost forgotten how much I enjoyed that movie.

"I just wanna go home!

"You are home."

Edit: You know how I said there was some shooting infront of the H-mart on friday? It was Phillip and Ben's (who are cousins) other cousin. I met him once.
I've never been close to deathi i'm still not. the people in my family who've died I wasn't close to.
I'm not supposed to know people who die in stupid cases like this- I'm not supposed to have met them. I'm not supposed to know things like how they have just enough time to kick off their pants before they take a nap. I can't even imagine how his family or his friends are taking it.

Words Words Words

I've decided the internet is a waste of my time that I can't get rid of. Instead of checking blogs and email five million times a day, i'm going to read a chapter of a book everytime I want to procrastinate the homework a little.

Life's been pretty good. It's handed me a lot of stuff on silver platters. I'm not allowed to be angsty and teenagery. I have all that I could want. I was looking around in tok today (it was virtually everyone in IB) and I realised I know a lot of people. some obviously have influenced me more than others, but I wonder how many of them I've influenced? What qualities do I have that make me different? I'm smart.. so are they.. I'm wierd.. so are they...I'm often moody... so are they... My passions are those of other kids. What makes us so different? I dont' know. Maybe this just tells us that the big things don't matter; the small things do.

My parents don't really like being social- they think its a chore... I don't understand that. Other than writing, its the only thing keeping me sane.

This is a list of books I either want to read or i need to finish. Tell me if there's something i should read.

1. SLaughterhouse FIve
2. Fight CLub
3. Caramelo
4. The Brothers Karmozov
5. Bluebeard
6. Running with Scissors
7. through the looking glass
8. Candide
9. The Jungle
10. Frankenstein
11. Bright Lights Big City
12. raise high the roofbeams, Carpenters and Seymour an introduction
13. Anna Karenina
14. Phantom Tollbooth

De-staple

today I took down the majority of my room. I used to have magazine articles about movies, bands and randomity, Movie stubs, concert stubs, quotes I liked, birthday cards, on my walls, plus numerous things hanging from my ceiling. I left those- took down my walls. I realised.. i didn't like or care about half the things that were up anymore.. I wondered how I stapled some of those things.. maybe I shrunk.

Around this time last year my sister moved her empty bookcase into my room.
Aroudn this time this year, I started piling books up on my floor because I don't have any more space.

Yesterday was fun. We're definitely going to do that again.

English class is definitely the highlight of my every two days. It is amazing, I'm glad I had problems with Lane this summer because I got an awesome teacher out of it. I'm excited to actually learn something this year- WIlls is an awesome person.. we just had a lot of dumb kids.

Janet leaves tuesday. The house is going to get reaaaallly quiet after that. I have no one to late-night converse with.

I think we go through several major changes in our lives; puberty, Graduating high school, Graduating College, Marriage, post marriage, there's always losing jobs and crises and maybe divorce- but a lot happens in the first thirty years of our lives. I decided I'm not running through them blind. I dont' want to look forward to imaginary things. I want to look around at the present and find myself mostly content.

I'm not the wierd kid who gets overlooked anymore.

T3h Cockulus

How I hate thee cockulus.
you maketh me want to hurl
with thy vectors and thy crap
why do I do thee
when I am not obligated
Thou art the bane of my sleep
Can I not simply listen
to the czech tones
of tri sestry and
falleth asleep to this
divine sound?
Wherefore Cockulus? Wherefore?


That was an award winning poem. I should submit it to something.

All that 'emo' biznass

I'm a lot more emotional than I like to be. I tell myself I'm not supposed to cry... but I feel like it anyway. I love crying. who said crying doesn't help. The only thing I dont' like is when people pity me or get concerned when I cry. can't I just plop myself down and start wailing for no good reason? Some would say I could... but I can't.. because then people assume something's wrong. maybe there is something wrong.

I was going to do this every half year.. but it's been two months past the half year mark- here goes anyway:

Little things that bring me joy:
1. A finished story
2. orange juice
3. Swings
4. my interpretation of interpretive dancing
5. looking at stars
6. orienting myself to mountains
7. funny noises
8. reading in a (dry) bathtub
9. peaches
10. lying on stomachs
11. holding hands
12. Hugs
13. smell of warm copies
14. inside jokes
15. spinning barefoot on grass
16. midnight
17. funny antics

My sister Janet told me i'm a hopeless romantic... I never thought so before.. maybe.

effing spam comments

So right now.. I have a humongous urge to listen to Killing Me Softly... the Fugees version.. and I have the cd.. but it's super dee duper scratched.. (as the aftermath of a rockin party my sister had) good thing I have no qualms against DL.

I guess its just another way I can waste time. I seem to never start work before eight.. and I think that's why I dont' ever get sleep.

I dont' know what I'm going to do when Janet goes back to college.. I won't have anyone to bug when I want to stop working.

People in Colorado need to start enjoying dancing. I'm sick of going to dances and feeling stupid being hte only one dancing in a group of kids who just stand there all dressed up.. what's the point of big skirts if you can't twirl?

Songs for a girly mixed tape I should make at some time:
1. The Only Living Boy in New York- Simon and Garf.
2. Incomplete- Backstreet Boys
3. Like a Prayer- Madonna
4. Killing Me Softly- The Fugees
5. Freshmen- Mustard Plug
6. Don't Speak- No Doubt
7. Let Go- Frou Frou
8. Climbing the Walls- Backstreet Boys
9. Lose Control- Missy Elliot
10. All My Life -KCi and Jo Jo
11. Can you feel the Love Tonight- Elton John
12. Breakdown- Jack Johnson
13. Since You've Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson

There's probably more I'm not thinking of.. but.. for now.

Extended Essays suck

Basically I'm awesome at procrastinating and getting everything done at the same time. Its been an interesting weekend. Policies on boys are tricky. I really wish I knew what my cell phone plan was so I could not have to pay for unheard of minutes. I switched topics. I need to finish other homework. I want new music. I need a vacation. I don't know what this business is about. Home? where's that? Where the hell is God in my life? that's my fault. I talked to Kevin for the first time in years. Old friends... and strangers. its wierd. I love swings. they're panaceas. I don't know why i'm writing this. I don't know if I like my classes this year. Not enough engrish. too much science and math. I have good teachers for the most part though. School's been goign on forever. Kristine's birfday is coming up. I want to go up to red rocks and look at stars. forever.

I dont' know man, I don't know.

Weeks

I've been at school for three days. I feel like I've been here forever. Its funny to think i've only been home for less than a week. It's funny not to be insync with Kristine- and instead we have separate lives that don't coincide at all. Its funny how long and short a week can be all at the same time.

It's too long to be gone. Its too short to finish my EE. I don't even know. I say that A lot. I don't know. I'm confused. hopefully i'll be unconfused at some point.

This year's going to be interesting. I don't remember my reasons for not wanting to apply to harvard.

and that reminds me, why the hell are kids in my grade so on top of things? you're already filling out applications? what? I don't even know where I want to go. take a breather.. sheesh.

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up..."

Summer.
Its interesting to hear everyone's different views on what that word means. A vacation, A lifetime, An experience, A simple passage of time.

For me, I guess it was like any other time of the year. A little more sun, a little more change, A little more relaxation... but overall... another piece of my life that's gone by.

I'll start off saying I missed everyone here in Aurora. I feel like the kids I talked to.. even if just through blog comments, i'll keep in touch with through college and if we talked on the phone (which i still hate) then even better. I hope you thought of me as much as I thought of you.

The summer started off interestingly with my first alcohol party at Jizraeliv's graduation party; its the first time I've seen that many drunk people (though I didn't participate) and moved on to europe. and experience in itself.

Europe was.. interesting, with crazy drugged chaperones, to the beads that define my wardrobe and my personality, to the watch that does the same. I have to say up til now.. I've never worn a watch. I came back with a craving for crepes, and an interest in learning how to say 'I love you' in as many languages possible... right now I'm to 11.

Harvard. Straus House. Dance Parties. Matresses in one room. Middle School Truth or Dare. Don't touch the toe.. don't touch the toe. Sardines in the stacks. late night science center runs. Annenberg. Noir. Fiction. Complaining about no Chipotle. New York. Getting chipotle. meeting straus B. Tee shirts. The Healthies. condom balloons. Dressing up. Brown. Yale. curfewless. crayons. Love Shack. The Garage. Backstreet Boys. Au Bon Pain. Rocky Horror.
in a couple word sentences that was my experience.

I've come back thinking that everything would still be the same. so many people are gone. more than other people changing, I've changed. I can't go back. I dont' want to go back. I don't know where my home is anymore.

"And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

i think he got it right.

I don't know if i'm ready for school.. i guess its coming whether I want it to or not. It saddens me to know i wont' be seeing most of those kids I've lived with ever again.

To Those who've changed my life (for the better) this summer- whether actively or passively through phone calls, pensive moments and memories- Kristine, Misha, Kaile Joe, Lauren, Molly, Conor, Alex, Andy, Charlie, Neehar, Max, Rusty, Raye, Shonna, Lauren, Helen, Hannah, Heita, Hollen, Sebas, Abbey, Tiffany, Caitlyn, Joe, Vick, Dan, Ellie, Long, Vince, Tal.
We've spread across the US, maybe even the world.. some of you haven't moved at all...Lord how I'll miss you- I can only hold onto what we had in the past and remember that it's the past.

I dont' know about the best summer of my life, but it's a unique one. and that's all that matters.

Old rivalries

today. I had the experience of watching old men dance like they're 20 again. They are pretty good at it.

I only regret i didn't see the original Backstreet tour. I've been to millenium (with Jana) Black and Blue (with Kaitlin) and now Never Gone (with Andy, Hannah, Reefer, and chelsea)

I have to say nick carter looks worse... but sounds better.
AJ is balding... but he still has skills in the vocals.
They had a screen where you could "send texts to the Backstreet boys!" and one of the said "I love Brain!" we took a picture.

I was surprised that I remembered as many lyrics as I did. maybe they never go away.

Concerts are better in rain.

This almost makes up for Finch cancelling.

Backstreet boys are SOOOO much better than Nsync.

Following the trends

So many people have been posting about school.

I dont' know what to think about going back to school in 13 days. Technically, I'm at school right now, but its so different. Yes there were annoying high school kids in my classes. yes They dragged us down. but we were treated like we knew something. I hate it when teachers talk down at us. It's also going to be wierd being the oldest ones. to hell with that.

It'll be wierd staying around 8 hours in school, when otherwise I would come back to the room and nap for long ungodly hours. Alone in a house with my parents. no running up to the orgy room, Around to B, or just starting up conversations with Kristine- distracting us both from doing work. Not having housemates is going to be super wierd. I'm used to being a second away from social stimulation. home's going to be wierd with parental rules, curfews, and worries about when I go to sleep at night.

I have not started Hamlet, my extended essay or my history IA. Neither have I practiced my horn as much as I should have, studied bio, nor done work for Key Club.

an actual summer recap post will happen by the sunday before high school starts. A lot can happen in a week and a half. A hell of a lot can happen.

Music Video Sluts

I get to be in the Healthies music video! sexy fine! they have an ill first single, Urinal Cake (one hit wonder? no way!)

I'm their number one groupie.

Go to http://www.purevolume.com/thehealthies to see some mad rhyming skills... A sick music video is coming up soon...

November 22, 2003 all over again.

so this band... This band that I actually pay money to buy cds for. This band that I never get sick of. This band that can fit any mood I can be in... was going to come to Boston for a free show. Too good to be true right? I was psyched... it was going to be my reward for finishing my story by... today.
effing canceled.
Its a wednesday night when they go to the Ogden. Eff. I'm missing Finch again.

Needs Me Some

I find it very disconcerting that I can't write on a deadline... rather I probably can, but I can't write good fiction on a deadline. it really rather sucks for my nerves.. because I know I have to write it now for me to make it good by thursday, but I waste time waiting for inspiration. I hate the half assed stories.
It makes me really sad to hear people say that they don't read anymore. As a person who wants to write... where will i get my audience if it doesn't come down to TV or Movies? I dont' even know if i'd enjoy writing screen plays. There's something about my stories that seems all the same to me. I guess its because I'm the writer and I put out part of my soul, but am I that one dimensional?

This is all rhetorical, depressive, and whiny.

So, let go,let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Drastic Changes

I think this speaks for itself.

wow

That's the only word I have right now. I saw "The Syringa Tree" its a one woman show- playing 26 characters. I went in thinking it's be a good story- maybe a good waste of my time. You don't think that one woman, in the same simple pink dress for all parts, with a swing, and maybe a little bit of lighting change would be able to entertain for an hour and a half. It was moving.
Kristine (My roommate) and I are in shock right now. It's amazing, script wise and acting-wise. How a simple script can do that to the heart. It's amazing- this is why I don't lose faith in the arts because it seems like the most tangible thing most of the time. The writer (Pamela Gein) is also the actress, but she was sick, or there was an accident or something, so it was another woman (Gin Hammond), but I have to wonder how much better it would be if it was that close to her heart. and there isn't much room for improvement.

I love how at anytime of day I can hear music from the streets (right now its pan pipes) becuase my windows open into Harvard Square.

Maybe...

It's interesting being around people you know you dont' necessarily have to see after the next eight weeks. Some of my friends haven't slept in quite a long time. I ont he other hand, sleep all too much. Today, I went to class... and then I slept until around 3:30. It was quite productive. Starting now, I'm going to start cracking down on school work for next year. I don't understand how summer is going by so fast. It's been awesome, but it would be so much better if I had more time to spend at home on swings, in parks, in movie theatres and at tea. Being away from my parents and my friends makes me appreciate you all so much more.

I'm contemplating a haircut. A really short one.

slow motion

you know that scene in Garden State when Braff takes the X and everyone is on fastforward around him? That's how I feel right now. Everyone is rushing around trying to study for midterms, and trying to have fun at the same time.. and I'm mellowing it out.
It's funny how fast five weeks have gone.
I miss the lot of you.
anyone up for a road trip up to boston?

Shadows

(a note: This was written for a class I'm taking this summer. It is dedicated to Joe, for reasons that are clear to us)
[On which I earned a B+]


Robert Larsen was well known in the community for his shotgun and his wooden chair on the front porch. Sometime ago he had made it very clear that his land on the lip of town was just that: his.
***
“Do you know who George Nadies is, kid?” The ash and smoke from the campfire rising to the sky set the mood, as trees sculpted the images of bears and ghosts in the flickering dark long after the adults had gone to bed.
The snot-nosed brats shook their heads stupidly, awed that an older boy would talk to them.
The bravest asked, “Who is he then?”
“George Nadies was a kid just like you, just like me. After dinner one night, he took a dare, a double dog dare- so he wouldn’t be called a sissy- to walk into Ol’ Robert Larsen’s house. He went as far as the porch, when a hand came out of the door and pulled him inside. His friends could hear him squealing. It sounded just like the scream rabbits give just before they die. They say Old Man Rob has George’s skeleton in a trunk at the foot of his bed.”
The brats stared, cow-eyed.
“That’s right. Don’t go near there. He’ll eat the meat off your bones.” He bared his teeth grotesquely. “Raw.”
The particular glow of the embers against his face held all the persuasion needed.
***
The first Saturday of every month, Marshall’s Grocers stayed closed until ten instead of its usual eight o’clock. Rob Larsen would clunk into a parking space, rap on the glass and Frank Marshall would open the door and let him buy his rations for the month. The store always was the most crowded those afternoons. Frank Marshall had no problem keeping his mouth shut about Rob as the people gathered to speculate about his eccentricities.
“I can’t believe that man eats at all.”
“Do you think he cooks?”
“Where does he get the money to spend? Its not like he’s worked a lick in the past twenty years.”
“Probably has some savings shoved into his mattress.”
“Maybe- personally I’ve never seen him inside his house at all. It’s always dark.”
“I’ve seen him out on the porch after it was dark. He was just staring off like he was waiting for something to happen.”
“Sometimes he’s not there at all.”
“What a queer old man.”
Frank Marshall shelved beans listening to the chatter. An iron fist gripped at his chest as he realized no one else remembered a time when Robert hadn’t been a recluse in his own town. He remembered long summers between school days terrorizing the town with Robert and long nights on his front porch enjoying the fireflies, good conversation and cold beer, while their wives occupied the house. It had been a good several decades of camaraderie; a respect still remained, but the friendship had disintegrated at Rob’s will all those years ago.
***
Robert felt the door catch and he locked it. He walked toward the sun which hadn’t quite come over the hill yet. The path had disappeared into the grassy weeds, but it didn’t matter; he knew the way. The weight of the gun was comforting under his arm.
The sun was still low in the sky, but morning always was the brightest time of day. Periodically, he would look up from the path to the smudge of a grove against the horizon. It was almost as if he were being tugged in that direction by invisible strings. Still he trudged on methodically.
The silence was suddenly broken by the sound of hissing geese as a pond neared. Noting the disturbance, Robert closed his eyes and breathed deeply; the air smelled of hay from the drying grass. His shadow was cast long behind him and his pace slowed. Just past the pond he stopped at a smooth flat rock at the edge of an orchard. The same tall grass and yellow weeds that had grown into the path covered it. He sat on the rock with unfocused eyes as he often did, sitting in the ladder-backed chair on his porch. His shadow curled inward until it was unnoticeable beneath him. With an agility that belied his true age, Robert stood and stretched toward the too blue sky. Crouching once more, Robert used his hands to tear away the weeds and the grass from the rock. When the offending plants had been tossed away, a name, sans epitaph, that had been etched deeply into the unnaturally smooth rock became visible. He smoothed his hand over the name and settled down beside it. Robert Larsen dozed, his gnarled hand still caressing the rock.
***
At sunset, Robert stopped at the pond, eating one of the apples he had filched from the orchard and looked out over the vast flatness of the land, only disturbed by the grove and the occasional hill from the way he had come. The wind flattened the grass in ripples and the geese bobbed their heads as they clipped at the vast expanse. Out of his pocket came a chunk of crusty bread. Piece by piece it made its way into the stomachs of the greedier geese.
***
So many years ago, he had been doing the exact same thing: feeding the geese. And as most sixteen-year-old boys did, he thought about throwing rocks at them. Just as his fist rose to deliver the first blow, a girl belted out of the orchard, her skirts pulled up around her knees. He waited for someone, anyone, to follow her out, but no one came. As she came closer to the geese, he realized she wasn’t being chased, she was dancing in whirls and skips, cackling to herself. The sun had dipped low enough that Bobby had to strain to see her face.
Who was this girl that could swing her arms wide and swallow the world without pain? She landed herself next to him, stomach down, head on a fist, though it did nothing to keep the tall grass from tickling her face.
A few moments later, she acknowledged him. “You know, I really should have looked before I lied down; geese do their thing everywhere.”
Bobby was speechless. She had mentioned exactly what he had been thinking and had dabbled her toes into a crass subject. The girls from town would have shied away completely- rather, they wouldn’t even be out here at the pond.
“Quiet one aren’t ya? Are you from the town?”
“Yeah. You live there?”
“Mmm-hmm. Apples all year round for me. Between you and me, in the next year, I’m going to leave a heart breaking note for my parents and run off to a city, a big one.”
She looked up at him and laughed at his raised eyebrow. “I’m just joking you know. It’s not like I really would. I love this place too much. Apple?” She pulled the fruit from some place underneath her skirt. “I sewed a pocket, so I won’t go hungry. Momma says I eat too much. Why is it that girls are expected to keep figures while boys are told to get fat and merry? I bet your momma tells you to eat as much as you can.”
“I live with my grandmother.”
“Oh. Same thing though.” She paused awkwardly. “I’m sorry if…”
“Don’t mention it.” Just as he looked down, she smiled and stood up. Raising her arms, she looked down and watched her own shadow copy her antics. She curled into a ball and watched as it did the same. The girl leaped. Her shadow leaped. She giggled. Bobby wondered how a girl her age could be amused with such a simple thing as a shadow.
“What’s your name?” she asked him suddenly. She had stopped.
“Bobby.”
“Shadows have a sad existence, don’t you think Bobby? They’re followers and copiers, and shouldn’t there be at least one that wants out?”
“Shadows don’t have thoughts,” he answered.
“That’s a cock and bull answer, no offense meant. I think there comes a time in everyone’s life when they need to let their shadows go and do whatever shadows need to do.”
“What do they need to do?”
“I like to think the ones in the trees and the eerie darknesses are the ones that are let free and left to their own devices.”
He didn’t follow, but he nodded his head anyway.
***
Robert grimaced at that bold memory that had surfaced for air for the first time in a long time. He remembered that in the weeks that followed their first acquaintance, he had made whatever time he could to return to the pond in hopes to meet her again. After learning her name, though he did not dare scribble it in his books, he whispered it under his breath at school and while working at Marshall’s Grocers. He didn’t mind the teasing he received, especially from Frank Marshall, for running off all the time; sometimes she would come into the store with her mother and they would pretend not to know each other, though the twinkles in their eyes said otherwise to those who searched for it.
It had been twenty years since she had fluttered away to the sound of rushing wings. He had exhausted the greed the world had allowed him through her beauty. Even while the bloody handkerchiefs were secretly washed and she denied, to his face, the importance of the rattle in her chest, she made him beautiful. There was nothing gorgeous about him now. It had passed in her fever-flushed cheeks as he clutched her frail hand and sobbed apologies, knowing it was too late as the last, weak, bloody cough heaved her thin shoulders. She had been his cornerstone for so long, he didn’t want to believe she was crumbling; she didn’t let him believe until the end. He raised the gun in the falling dusk to shoot the geese that had taken to the sky.
Behind him, he heard a child shrieking her laughter. He put the gun down and turned to see his company. Her large bounds barely cleared the darker grass. The chub on her face was still visible in the fading light. Behind her a couple walked more slowly, though always keeping their girl in sight. For a split second during her strides, her feet detached from the dark shadow bounding behind her. Much to her dismay, at the sight of him, her parents called her close. A wry smile crossed his face.

He did have a way of burning bridges. Sitting in front of the empty fire grate as his cold, blistered hands tingled, still red from the hours of digging, Robert made a decision. He decided to fall back into the woodwork; a legend of the man who did nothing but love a ghost of a woman. He never was comfortable letting others see him cry. He threatened those close enough to try to comfort him, and the others saw this and backed off on their own. Old Mister Marshall was the last to hold out. Frank tried to talk his old man out of going up to Robert’s house on the edge of town every single day to no avail.
“Bobby please, just come up to the house. Ella said she’d cook you something hot.”
“I don’t need her to Mr. Marshall. Don’t bother Frank’s wife.”
“She wants to cook you dinner; she said so herself. You didn’t come up last Saturday, you kids always came up on Saturday evenings.”
“Always becomes sometimes, and sometimes becomes never.” Robert said.
“It doesn’t have to be that way. I know. When Violet died…”
“It isn’t the same. Leave.” He banged the screen door shut walking somewhere deep into the house.
“Bobby. You think that I didn’t hurt when she died? It’s easier when you’re with friends. Come up for dinner tonight. Bobby!” he called into the house.
“Get off my yard.” Bobby had come back to the door with his old shot gun.
“No need to get feisty son.”
“Get off of my property, old man. I don’t want you here.” He aimed the gun at Mr. Marshall’s feet.
“Okay, Okay. I’m leaving, son. Calm down.”
After that day, Robert wouldn’t let him past the fence, so old Mr. Marshall tried from beyond the yard; at that point, he faked ignorance.

The couple crowded their daughter back toward the town much to her complaints, but within seconds, she was once again mesmerized by the large sky that hugged the land and the silhouette beneath her feet. She was running- bounding away, and he stared, watching for those brief moments when the small girl pulled herself from the dark that threatened around her. In a few scant minutes, the threesome had disappeared. He turned once more to the ducks. Raising the gun, he aimed, finger to the trigger.

Robert went to set his shadow free.

The dorm life

Its nice to have the ability to run up the stairs barge in on 'the party room' and yell "I'm Done" and have a celebration after holing yourself in a room for a weekend stressing over writing a story. When I finish polishing it (its due tomorrow) I'll post it for you to read or not read.
The Party room, has been designated such because that's where everyone hangs out when they don't have any homework left.. except it sucks for the guys (max, sebas, jj) who live there. we probably would use the common room.. but no. becuase Straus' is the nicest, they use it for other functions.. boo.
Funny where inspiration hits. I've been moaning over this thing for about a week- and nothing- and then two nights ago I was talking about shooting ducks and wham. story idea.
I love our entryway. our proctor (RA) Matt is rediculously awesome,



these are some of the kids I live with from left (the half a face) and around: Jen, long, raye, rusty, (chong's forehead)jj, misha, christine, Hollen, tal, me, sebas(tian) and shonna.



a picture of me if you feel a need for my psychosis (Christine's in the background)

both of these were on the fourth at supposedly the best firework display ever.

I love how all I do is moon over story plots and read detective Noir novels while everyone else complains about the four hundred pages of reading in their art history book.

Leave a comment, they make me homesick

Delirium and Dream are always welcome.

Good fiction. It gives you that feeling of awe inside. Yesterday, I was reading "edie in winter" (kaile esp. should pick it up and read it, its by Nancy Reisman in Housefires), a requirment for my class.. and I feel as though I'm addicted to the feeling good fiction brings. its such a cocktail of poison and life. How inadaquacies talk to you, how any idea for any story now seems so juvenile and reminds you of everything else you've written. I have a story due by next thursday. I dont' know what to do. Sometimes I feel like if everyone kept reading, there'd always be something that will touch you, and keep touching you (in a completely non perverse way) and as many times as you read it, its there. a good movie does the same, but from books, its your own imagery, your own mind creating the picture projected onthe screen.
I hope one day I'll have that effect on someone.
Tengo un amigo que es de Equador, quisas el puede borrar mi accento, y podre` hablar mejor que ahora

"Unripe mind apples tumble screaming through the sky, and the stars gasp in brief flashes of pain and time" -Gaiman.

douchebags and losers

really kids, when I look at blogs these days they're either too generic and "philosophical" the people who managed to be interesting and personal at the same time have mostly quit writing on blogs saying.. its not personal enough, and the last group (of which I place this page) is full of nothing-crap that people don't Really want to hear, but its posted anyway for boredom's sake.
I think people have forgotten what makes good writing good. and what makes great writing great. How does it work? well.. usually great writing, whether in a screenplay , novel, comic book, blog, ectetera, makes me stop, and go back and relive it however many times before it become eminent that I have to move on and destroy the moment in time. If it makes you think for more than five minutes... if it causes epiphanies, or self actualization- all the better it is.
Stupid thing with blogs is.. the more personal the entries are... the harder they are to post, wheras in a short story or a novel you can rename your problems and push it onto a figment of your imagination that jumped high enoughto be picked. The most Pseronal... are never published.

3 days

as nerdy as it sounds, I'm really looking forward to finding out my ap scores. sadly I lost or misplaced my sheet with my IB pin and stuff so I can't find that out til next year. Funny thing... the kids here are counting down til friday too. We're big dorks... all of us.
I have a lot of down time which I'm sure should be used to do work, but sometimes its not. Surprisingly... I'm more active than I am at home because Its greener around here. but I miss being able to direct myself from the mountains... something I'm sure I'll miss wherever I am.
The food is better than any I've tasted at a college campus.. which isn't saying much, but its decent enough. We had a party yesterday for the girl across the hall becuase it was her birthday out on the lawn infront of our house. We ended up playing extreme grey duck/duck duck goose.. after they made us quit the music- it was quite enjoyable.
I think I've found me a friend who has social skills enough to not try and be overly nice to everyone... its refreshing. I'm used to people bashing from all y'all and it was wierd without any sort of barbs directed at me or at other people who deserve them.
My roommate knows streetlight- that's cool.

hmmm

I's got me some pretty cool roommates... which is good.

my bed could be better... but oh well...

I have no AC, tis a sad day indeed.

Good God

so I'm setting up my dad's old laptop for me to take to Boston... and I realise I dont' know my username for this blog because I never have to sign in... so on the other computer, I sign out hoping its like hotmail and it stores the username... its not. thanks to my ingeniusness... I was able to figure it out.

I'm mad. I got the new foo fighters cd (in your honor) because it's awesome... and it's protected in a way that isn't compatible to itunes and my ipod. so basically i either have to carry around a cd player just for those cds -or my computer...if I try to copy it directly to itunes.. it sounds like I'm playing after I ran over the cds with a car on a gravel road. that's crap. They're such good cds too...

cześć

I took down the other post because... well... I didn't yet know the resolution to my delemna.
Thanks to the irrationality of Lane and the persistence of my father, It was fixed in just a day. I am no longer suspended.
Lane is however still recieve that poop-smeared end of the stick (yes!) because other parents are continuing to complain about her, of which process I will help.
Europe was great despite abnormal stomach problems... nazis, awkwardosity with some kids, too much sound of music and waaay too much PDA.
good things included meeting agentinian troubadors in Berlin, Fanta, food, Prague, Salzburg, meeting Matt and Ned, Pow-wows on stairs with Yost, Francesco and Flo, among others.
I am free to spend my last week before eight weeks of movies, writing, noir, no curfew, and a bustling college town... B-town style...
I hope that the tea and crumpets will be running next week. I hope to see malorie's show, I hope to have a picture party, I hope to see most everyone... I think I taste a B.B.Q...

wahoo!

Have you ever wanted to do it like they do in the movies? where as soon as the last bell rings for the summer.. there are suddenly papers and books and notebooks from everywhere being thrown up and everyone is rushing down the stairs at once?
I really want to do it.. except it'll only be a select few tomorrow.
I'm excited.
I'll see y'all in two weeks.

Party party

graduation parties are fun in that.. they're parties.
Graduation parties suck because I'm not one of the graduates. I say.. I'm extremely proud of the people who did graduate.. and you throw awesome parties.
I can't get to my comments.. I dont' know if that's my computer or blogger... I hate being computer stupid

*edit* I'm proud- I fixed my comment links by myself... ::proud grin::

le prom

I think that before prom and after prom were much better than prom. and as much as I enjoy dancing like a freak... because I can't dance. I wish Del or Kevin were there because they do enjoy dancing like freaks.. or at least they did two years ago.

I've had the biggest urge to reconnect with all of the friends I've lost. Like Christine, my best friend through elementary school. I still have her number in memory, and I doubt she's moved. I want to see Diana, and Kevin, and nat, and Del, and zwick... of whom I really only talk to Diana and Del anymore.

Afterprom was.. interesting. I hit my head... hard on the ice and that's just from me bneing stupid. but it was nice haning out with alliy and meeting connor... and haninging out with him all evening/morning.. and david. I'm glad I'm not a sumo wrestler.. it'd be hummilliating to be so fat that people have to help you up.
Red Rocks was awesome...Foote has good ideas. I wish I could always wake up early enough to watch the sunrise. i think I like them better than sunsets.

Prom was good closure for me. Even though I met new people... and didn't really hang out with my typical friends (after dinner) I think it made me think about a lot of things about who I am, what I really care about and who my friends are.

I'm still excited and sad for the summer. Everyone is a rockstar. I needed that night out.

:o)

A happy post this time. I realise I haven't been in a good mood lately. but hearing from old friends always makes my day.

The year's almost over and I don't know if I'm relied or extremely depressed. its the first year where I'm going to lose a lot of my friends, whereas graduation has never really affected me before. Hopefully you guys all come back for the breaks.. becuase I don't know if after next year my parents are gonna still live down here. It may be my last year to hang out, have tea (not that I'll be able to much this year) and all that jazz. I wish it weren't that way.

but I'm in a better mood. Yearbooks make me so sad.. and happy at the same time. I mean, its like a giant birthday card .. that's not on my birthday. This yer went by way too fast.

I'm sure many of you have mini crushes on people you dont' even know that well.. or people you only talk to occasionally. I realise how many I have. just little infatuations.. or people who just make you happy- I guess its because you dont' know all the bad stuff about them. Only semi-knowing people can sometimes be better than really knowing them.

I hope this was a more positive post. I'm not a depressed teenage-angst typeof person- i'm sure most of you guys know that. I just like to complain :o)

I bought my prom ticket today.. I guess that makes it official.. I wish my sisters were home so that I could have someone who knows what they're doing do my hair and make up.. I.. rather suck at it.

Today's been a good day. Off to memorize my crazy woman monologue.

oh. and my mom bought me an icecream maker.

yes.

I'm so fickle.. now its a maybe prom? i need to get lauren to come.

Ugh

All I have to say is that I'm not a fan of people being assed.

I've decided I'm not going to prom... after much deliberation. I'm getting sick of a lot of people. Tonight reiterated that.

The list of people I'm not even remotely uncomfortable or annoyed with is down to three(excluding people I see less than once a month). Right now I'm really looking forward to getting away this summer.

sorry if I sound harsh- too bad.

Sick of it all.

I've decided I'm sick of being that person that just lies down and lets people walk over what I believe in. I'm sick of people taking what I believe in and making it into something that its not. I'm sick of being used and forgotten, I'm sick of not being myself. I'm sick of trying to impress people. I'm sick of other people trying to impress people. No matter how dysfunctional we are.. we should be ourselves- as hard as it is to do, stay out of the limelight, and screw what other's are going to think of you- screw attention.

I'm not impressed with my new pastor. he leaves me more jaded about christianity that I ever have been. Sometimes I don't want to be christian anymore- no one said it was easy. and then I realise... its not about him (the pastor), or what he says. it's about loving others, loving jesus above all else and loving yoruself. Its hard. especially when you don't have a support system that believes what you do... and the one person you trust to have the same views as you.. is going off to college. Here's to hoping I can stick to my guns.



Some cowboys were a ridin', ridin' on the range;
The grass was over grazed there,
and spotted like some mange;
The buffalo were dead there,
the trees they all were through,
and if they saw some Injuns,
why they would kill them too.

West or bust, in God we trust,
"Let's rape, let's kill, let's steal"
We can almost justify, anything we feel;
I'm climbing up that ladder,
more brownie points for me I'll work my way to Jesus you wait and see.

Said one cowboy to another,
"I think it would be nice,
if we could take these injuns and convert them all to Christ;
See, they are all disgusting, and bringing me great pain,
and if they don't believe me,
we'll put a bullet in their brains!"
I am always shoutin',
when I go outside,
how people should repent now,
or they're going to die.
My motives are all selfish,
I'm a cannon brimmed with powder.
If people don't believe me,
I just beat them and yell louder.

I don't want to be here anymore.

Finishing out

One test down.. 7 to go.
I was excited about being done after this week and a half (ish.. not counting ib tests) becuase after regionals (a week from today).. I'll most likely be done with golf, I'll be done with AP tests, I'll only have IB left, and We won't be learning anything new.
My parents are probably gonna make me go to more class than I anticipated.
I should be studying..
but I'll probably end up not..
I've decided I'm in love with Roger from Rent despite his disfunctionality.

I need to learn to write better blog entries.

Whacking 'em

so.. tomorrow is going to be fun.

rain.

16 mph winds.

but at least I dont' have to take the math final :o)

The Laughing man

I need to get Nine Stories back from Eunice.
I need a prom date that I'm not going with becuase I didn't have one.
I need to finish Euro.
I need to stop eating.
I need to stop screwing around in golf.
I need to study for my aps
I need to write more.

technically.. I don't NEED to do any of this stuff.. I just feel like I do.

Older, but getting younger

I think it was one of my best birthdays. Lots of orange juice, goodcake, play-doh and the kings of all crayons. I love it.
Joe says I'm regressing as I get older... Roxy says her sister (who's nine) got the same things I did.. minus the food... maybe I never grew up. Maybe I don't want to grow up.
Time Is a funny thing, can't we just go back to the days when years were an eternity? I mean, when you're five.. a year is... 20% of your life. whereas when I'm fifty is only 2% of my life. Time goes faster. and it kind of sucks. Oh well. I think we have to beable to continue to enjoy things in a child like manner. Despite stress or whatever that comes along. we need to enjoy the past, and the future. Most importantly though. the present.
We'll always be looking for There. and when we get to it, we'll still be looking and we'll miss it.

No More Cookies

Cookie monster is no longer able to sing 'C is for Cookie' he now sings 'A Cookie is a Sometimes Food'
What the hell. Its COOKIE MONSTER. A staple in my childhood. he's eating cookies in Moderation? just becuase kids are fat, doesn't mean that you have to say that cookie is fat.. I mean... he's not.. he's just blue and fuzzy. Stupid kid obesity. stupid america for ruining life.

lets all take some pills and ruin good things for everyone, since we can't believe its our own fault that our kids have diabetes- we have to blame the tv.

"These are the best days of our lives"

last night was the best night of the year so far. it's rather nice hanging out with the people you wished you hung out with more.

Joe, Lauren, Malorie, Bonnie, Selina and I went to The Animation Show. It was awesome. some of the shorts I wasn't looking forward to were better than I expected and some of the ones I was looking forward to weren't as good.
I really want to watch the Meaning of Life again. And Fallen Art. Afterwards we went to Sonic. it was great and I didn't make sense-as always. The girl sitting in front of me had a "cool" hair cut. half of her head was shorn realy short, and the other half was in a bob... ah the things people do.

I thought things would start slowing down in April, when in fact they're rather speeding up. As summer draws nearer, I think i'm going to get more depressed about only being able to spend about a week with the leaving seniors.

I've been told I'm melancholy lately. I'm in a good mood, I hope it stays a while.

who's going to be on quarter system?

scrimmage tomorrow at Mira Vista- where regionals is at.
I got really lucky, the fourth is the only day I don't have tests.. and that's regionals.. most likely I'm not going to get to state anyway.. considering my scores right now.. so ... I dont' have to worry about that being the same days as the psych IB test.
I'm going to do better.

Brave Saint Saturn gives me that chill.

Nothing

Nothing but a scoundrel, a loser, an imbesile
Nothing but redundancy, bland and returning
Nothing but looking back, despairing forward
Nothing but open doors that won't shut
Nothing but closed doors that won't open
Nothing but white walls and a straight jacket
Nothing but hopelessness and worry
Atlas drops the world
Jesus picks it up
Everything.

The End of the Road

I've been in this mood all spring break where there's plastic wrap around everything and I can't touch it.
I got my first Birdie ever on monday on a par 3...with a 15ish foot putt and my chipping still sucks, so I didn't do so well on the rest of the holes: my last hole was horrible. I need to get more serious about it. I should care more. It seems like as the years go by, steenrod likes us less and less. the golf team is divided. I don't like that I don't know any of the new players except shannon, malorie and DC people. I don't even know what I need to qualify for regionals.
I never got excited for my ski trip.. it was fun. I took some double blacks, getting better on moguls, knee deep powder. but somehow... I'm not hyped about how it was.
Right now, I can't believe it's thurday. funny how time runs.
I'm worried about all you guys' admissions. I think at this point I'll be blithering in anticipation next year.
My face is peeling: I've never really been vain before, but right now.. I'm feeling kinda deformed.
I have my first cavity. I blame oj.
I'm 17 in fourteen days.

"then there are times when
The kids we meet mean more to us
than we ever thought they could"

The Dad

nine holes, super awesome lessons, five hours in which I improved my golf more than in a month worth of practice.

The biggest thing I learned: You can putt with your seven iron.

surprises everywhere... *crosses fingers for monday*

I enjoy randomity.

I think breaks are no longer breaks.. they're areas of extended study. but it's gonna be fun.. I promise.
MOuntains on tuesday and wed with Alison from the golf team, and tournament on monday... hopefully I do well... I rather suck at the moment. rest of the time.. kickoff to ap studying. and of course random hanging out.

I found my cell phone.

21 days until I turn over another year.

one day til Jen leaves, four til janet does too.

The Animation Show

Basically a whole bunch of people who made short films and complied them. Animation show 2005 (www.theanimationshow.com) includes Don Herzfeldt's new film, the Meaning of Life.

It's in denver from the 8th - 14th... and in boulder i think the 21st.

I'm goin. who's coming with me?

five days of semi-no-school bliss

I'm not looking forward to it as much as I should be.

Why the hell is everyone in a prom frenzy right now? two months away? that is like, soooo not enough time to find the perfect pair of shoes for my dress I bought for like, 500 dollars. Not that I stand very many people who talk like that.

As much as I'm looking forward to going (yes, yes, I know I shouldn't look forward to anything)... isn't this a bit excessive?

Today was ridiculous.

Where'd all the good people go?

You know.. somethings that some people say, just make my day. Randomity is what makes my world go 'round. its extra special.

Time to go be a recluse, watch edward scissorhands all day, and listen to Jack Johnson drinking malt liquor... and grow myself a permed mullet.

Monday Tuesday Happy days...

so I'm sitting here, eating Boston market.... it's supposed to be good for you eh? I realise, how much I'm going to miss my mom's cooking after next year. Most of the time I'm not even thankful for it, I feel bad. Boston market is supposed to be healthy right? I mean It tastes good, but... not quite the 'health' food I like.

Somehow I think wearing pigtails makes me a happier person.. I feel younger...maybe i'll do it more often.. or learn how to frenchbraid.... 'twould be awesome.

Today started out bad. I was pissed off becuase I didn't finish (barely started) the second short response question for the physics quiz.. and I definitely didn't finish the multiple choice either by like four questions.. I was hoping that would bring up my grade. damn. but now... I am the new President of Key Club.. even though I do enjoy my other clubs more, it's nice being in charge of one. Amanda and I are gonna do great.

This summer.. hopefully with be THE summer. as much as I'm going to miss not being here, I'll be taking classes at Harvard... I'll have gone to a Harry Potter party at a Borders... and then stayed up all night to read it. I think I'll study me some bio and Astronomy for science bowl next year. so I can be a hoss and beat out Nick Hansen. I think I"ll find me a fabric store or a craft store in Boston that teaches classes so I can learn to sew, and knit and stuff... I'm gonna go to concerts... and stuff like that too... man, hopefully this summer'll be a good summer.

I'm in a good mood.

Sometimes I'm just entraced by the web some words weave around me. and I sit there. reread, rewind or something, and go over it over and over again. sometimes I don't even know why.
Yesterday I was sitting in Borders reading the last bit of 'A Game of You' and that feeling where you're not sitting with your back uncomfortably against the bookshelf of comic books anymore, but you're there standing at Wanda's funeral, and then I read Barbie wonder whether identity is really that fragile, and I stopped. reread. its not even that profound. but it does something. it reaches where you're at at that moment, and that's all that matters.
I love gaiman. I love fiction. I don't know how others can think otherwise.

Not knowing everything makes it okay sometimes

In Between Dreams

A troubador on a street corner. His case is open, small change piling up. The blue, free bus wanders past, half full of people. Walkin' down mainstreet, past the sushi place, past anthropologie, past Jamba juice, where the sidewalks become wood. the music trickles down around us.
Its that kind of sun that's warm on dark hair, but the breeze keeps the sweat from forming. sandals come off, jeans get rolled up. run through the coming tides. It looks like a pac sun ad, only, It's only me, it's only you. lazy clouds streak across the sky.
Dry sand sticks to wet legs, stare at the blueing sky. Check to see the tar balls that've formed on our soles, and then wiggling toes and laughing are the only consequences.
In-n-out, sea foam green hotel. palms. Blue skies- next twelve exits.
Santa Barbara has to be one of the best places on earth.

I'm ready for summer.

Homemaker deluxe

I wish I had the time to take the knitting class at marshalls.. or the sewing class at Hancock... how kick ass would it be if I made my own prom dress or all of my clothes for that matter...

Today was the day I realised
man It would be great to be Martha Steward... without the legal problems.

in full swing

Today, was my first day of golf practice. There's something nice about having shannon there, and when Malorie comes tomorrow, it'll be cool because I get to see her every day now. It was so much fun just being wierd and loud (even when we're not supposed to be) with kyle, Alison and Amanda again. When Selina and Christina get around to showing up, it's going to be great. Flatirons is the fifth... all the more reason for my parents to not let me go to Streetlight.. le sigh. Hopefully I can be consistently on Varsity this year though. Its nice to play and not worry about keeping the V1 spot and all that. I think I enjoy not being the best... at least in this one thing.
I was champion of the world 2/2 for our chipping/pitching games. If my short game ends up like how i hit today... I'll be ecstatic...
long game needs work.
Today was a good day. I'm looking forward to may.

golf is like a breath of fresh air from school; the time goes so fast, but at the same time everything seems to be slowing down, and your legs aren't running in a blur... it feels... relaxed.

I got in to summer school at Harvard... I think I'm both happy that I did, and somewhat dissapointed. If I hadn't gotten in, I could have stayed here and hung out with all you cool people. I suppose I still could... but I'm less likely to...

yes...

procrastination is a killer. a killer I tell you.

change

Ever since D.C. I've been wondering. How much do you change everyday? I'm looking back ont he trip, and realising how different the freshman were from the seniors.. and yet, how much the same we were. What time of day is it when we become mature? when do we get jaded? when do we fall apart? Why is it that three years doesn't seem like a big deal, but the gap between eighth graders and juniors is a big deal?
Time is a very enfuriating thing to contemplate.

my favorite words of the moment:
Anguish,
Wretched,
Wheezy
Blazed

ai\lfodabjkl

Sweet fucking Monkey Tuesdays. Aren't I more capable than most to manage my time? WOuldn't I know my own schedule best and know what the hell is 'most important to my future'? You know what I don't give a damn. Nothing that is on that friday or thursday is important enough that it'll screw up my life. I HATE the Youngest Child syndrome that my parents get.

Looks like there's one less person going to Ska is Dead.

I hadn't been excited to go to a concert since well... November 2003. And that fell through too- I'm not bitter...

Junk

I'm in a relatively good mood right now, despite circumstances. I can't say why

There's something about art, whether it be painting, drawing, writing, music-ing or sculpting, that is very relaxing. If you remember back to the movie Harriet the Spy, which was one of Nickelodeon's first movies, there was the lady with the awesome yard, bottles of sparkling cider hainging from a tree, mobiles of hubcaps and garlands of ties. When I become old and batty, my house is going to look like that; i'll have a back yard with a big tree, a tree house, a garden and a bunch of junk art, maybe just when I get my own house- reminds me of Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle. I wish my room was bigger for the sole purpose of being able to hang more things from my ceiling. I love my room, there's something distinctly relaxing about it, despite the state of chaos it's always in. I really wish I had more time to write, and make things out of garbage; I think If I did, I'd be a lot more optimistic than I am now.
Man, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, I think its time to go back and read those- they were crazy experiments.

On another note, Golf Season starts soon... Here's to not sucking this year.

"Lets forget this all, move on"

Its funny how death puts life into perspective. We can't be sure how long our lives are going to be. I know a lot of people saying things like 'why would Iwant to live past 60? those are the boring years' but God, life is precious. we really have no idea how many would be devastated if we passed on. its not like it's just us that our lives matter to.
How many of my friends have put up messages expressing comfort and presence for Michelle? even if I wasn't that close to Michelle, and I didn't know her mom that well... it still pains me that two kids in their teens have lost their mother. I dont' know how I'd go on if I lost my mom or my dad.
Death is a horrible thing, more so for the people left behind than for the dead. Suicide is even worse, why would you think of such a thing? especially when you have no reason to. Appreciate what you have, even if it doesn't seem as good as it is; there are always those who are worse off than you.

The End is Here makes me want to cry... I've been wanting to cry a lot recently.

I think I'm at one of those points, where I'm reevaluating myself. Who my true friends are, how much I've been brainwashed, who I should rely on.. that sort of thing.
I recently made a pretty good mix, but this is the ultimate mix for now- i think the songs sufficiently explain how I feel now... both in lyrics, and in mood...

1. The Big Sleep
2. Konstantine
3. What Went Wrong
4. Bohemian Rhapsody
5. I'll Make a Man out Of You
6. Swords Crossed
   
7. My Sundown
8. Bubble Toes
9. Holes to Heaven
10. Every New Day
11. Dandelions
12. Take On Me
13. Hey Jude
14. Lucy in the Sky
15. Magic Man
16. Boys Don't Cry
17. The Hero Dies in This One
18. Holy is the Lord
19. Power of Love
20. I Dont' Wanna Miss A Thing
21. Piano Man
22. Come Away With Me
23. Curbside Prophet
24. 83
25. Not Myself
26. Three Simple Words
27. Come on Eileen
28. He's A Pirate
29. How Could I fall In Love With You
30. Here Comes Your Man
31. American Kryptonite
32. The End WIth You
33. Two Coins
34. Hey Girl
35. Coalminer
36. Its Oh So Quiet
37. Sheet with Stars
38. Let it Be

Time to get into the spiritual washing machine and clean my garbage out. I suck at knowing God these days. I blame myself.

"I can't don't exist"

It was a good trip. Except for one night.
I'm internet dumb and so can't upload pictures onto the computer.. if you want mine, ask me for a cd of them.
Time for el Euro Project.

self preservation.

Plunging on

Man, I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and the next weekend. It's going to be great... or possible quite horrible. I hope I can deal with six days of the people I'm rooming with, and if not, I'm not going to be spending much time there.
Things I've noticed about myself lately:
My vocab has changed. alot. I realise I started to describe things like Ian does, use 'oh' like Anthony does (but not quite as good) and in general, I'm influenced by all these people I'm hanging out with. It's going to stop. I'm not going to fall victim to your mannerisms.. at least.. I hope I won't anymore. Maybe you're defined by little pieces of your environment, I like to think some of it is inate. I'm going to be myself. nobody's opinion will matter-except my own. I feel like I've been needy lately. that's going to stop too.

I like myself- but I need some tuning up. Into the shop I go.

Ten Lb wieghts are attached to my eyelids.

It's not even ten oclock. and I"m exhausted. the work I have to do in the next three days is large in quantity. I don't know if I can do it all. what I really need at the moment is one more day without school so that I can finish everything that I need to before more work piles up. I hsouldn't have wasted yesterday; but it was time well spent.
The Royal Tenenbaums is a rather good movie. probably not one of my all time favorites.. but it's up there with the Kill Bills.
I need to stop wasting time. Thursday on is going to be great.