got a new fridge today :)

oi. Rounds were a disaster (my fault). Some reason my weight is really non-fluid and funky. I feel drunk, or light-headed, or something. I don't know.

reading to the lighthouse for midterm on Friday, thought I'd share this quote because well.. Rabah knows what I'm talking about:

but Minta still sobbed, all the way up to the top of the cliff. It was her grandmother's brooch; she would rather have lost anything but that, and yet Nancy felt, it might be true that she minded losing her brooch, but she wasn't crying only for that. She was crying for something else. We might all sit down and cry, she felt. But she did not know what for

er.. yeah. I have wanderlust. bad wanderlust. want to go somewhere quiet and peaceful, where the tides can cover me and my grandmother's brooch and we can sail, lose sound, and sleep.

Our new fridge is awesome. it's bigger. and things only freeze in the freezer.

Rubal is awesome too. she brought me pekore from the gurudwara, and makes me aloo parantha in the middle of the night.

Next week will be my week. My week to catch up on school, get in more hours at work, work on my ballroom technique (buy new heel caps for my standard shoes) read faulkner... and sleep. and essay. but sleep first.

To-Do by end of Friday:
English midterm prep:
# Finish Lighthouse
# portrait of the artist
# The darkling Thrush
# I wake and feel the fell of dark, not day
# no worst, there is none, pitched past pitch of Grief
# Second Coming
# a pact
# In a station of the Metro
# oread
# thepool
# sea rose
# garden
# tender buttons
# the oven bird
# birches
# design
# chaplinesque
# repose of Rivers
# Voyages
# poetry
# to a snail
# the Pangolin
# spring and all
# Review: to Elsie (WCW), the fish (moore), easter 1916, leda and swan, Lakeisle of innisfree(Yeats), dickinson, terms to know

Spanish midterm prep:
# hand out sheet
# go over rhyme terms
# lit terms
# poems
# meet with Elana tomorrow?

Lunch/dinner with Michelle/eric

Prep for Calstate

OSL constitution

Alumni House contact

Faculty club contact (to jennifer)

Meeting Agenda

Points budget fixes

Sleep (hopefully)

Do well in comp (hahh)

almost kinda worth it?

placed in 9/10 dances yesterday. pretty awesome.. I don't remember which one is what ranking... but i'm happy. after thinking last monday in rounds, "oh baaallls, we're gonna do horrible." Dan and Sharla came to the rescue, gave us some office hours, gave us, probably more importantly, some confidence, and we did pretty damn well in my book.
I (stupidly) decided to dance for four more hours (after the initial 6 from the comp) at the party afterwards. hahhh.. I can barely move. well.. sort of.
Doing well in comp, and private lessons seem to make up for all the crapola that I go through for the team. I hope it continues to be like that.

need to write spanish essay... must write spanish essay.

must study. focus. focus. focus.

I deserve a bit of random right?

Found this on a lj of a person who was commenting on the lj of Anis Mojgani the poet (in other words, a complete and utter stranger) "These are the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users. Bold what you have read, italicize those you started but couldn't/didn't finish, and strike through what you couldn't stand. Add an asterisk to those you've read more than once. Underline those on your to-read list."


Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude*
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi : a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby-Dick
Ulysses
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre*
A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods**
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran: a memoir in books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked: the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian: a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault's Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible: a novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D'Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver's Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay*
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela's Ashes : A Memoir
The God of Small Things
A People's History of the United States: 1492-present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five**
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake: a novel
Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye*
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics: a Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity's Rainbow
The Hobbit*
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

Wow. there's a hell of a lot of Gaiman on that list.

"it's three am and I want to go to bed"

That post below is kinda grossly whiny. I think before I start work for the morning I'll go back to that Plath passage that still makes me think that maybe I'm going crazy just like Esther Greenwood:

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.
from the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet, and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, an beyond and above all these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

The Bell Jar
must I choose?

must study- focus. focus. focus.

misshapen words

I look through this blog, and my old xanga and I see how I haven't changed very much at all. But if I looks through my fiction, it's so apparent how much I've changed over the years. what used to be important to me, no longer seems to be.

I seem to have an obsession with the song "Near to You" by A Fine Frenzy.. which was given to me by Dearest Rabah, who has a similar affliction. it's.. fitting of my mood these days.

I feel like what I do and who I am are separating, and I don't like that. I don't like it at all. I think... i need time to enjoy what i'm doing.. and that appreciation for the work that I put into things will translate into me a coherent self.

I had a really good talk with Janie the other day. She always reminds me of what God wants. what God is like, and how much He fixes things. I wish I could see her more often.

I wish so many things. I feel so nostalgic.. maybe melancholy is the better word.. but only when I'm alone.. and only when I allow myself to be. When I'm with you, I'm better. I think I may just be homesick. sad that Dharasalam is taking a piece of home away from me.

must study. focus. focus. focus

Words of advice

"Rejoice, young man, during your childhood , and let your heart be pleasant during the days of young manhood. And follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes. Yet know that God will bring you to judgment for all these things. So, remove grief and anger from your heart and put away pain form your body, because childhood and the prime of life are fleeting. Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near when you will say, "I have no delight in them" Ecclesiastes 11:9-12:1

Everything is about balance. You can't go overboard, but at the same time, you must enjoy the present, no Franciscan lifestyle here. I love Ecclesiastes, it's depressing, but still so good. Faith as an anchor for everything else. I need to get back to that.

New Post

I had a really good talk with Cindy this Saturday about Christianity as a religion, versus Christianity as a faith. We talked about how to blend dancing with our faith, and whether those two things were contradictory or not (they aren't). I guess I've been receiving a little bit of stress from that, from what my parents say about dancing, and from the amount of time I spend on it. She said something how practice studios make her feel safe. I'd agree that they're comforting. I like being the first person in 234 with the lights dim and the floors squeaking. It's relaxing when everywhere else, there's tension.
I also had a good dinner with Philip. I have respect for him and I feel like I can relate to him well with how busy we both are. I don't know my FiC class outside of superficial knowledge. I want more than that. Unfortunately, I can admit to the fact that Fic gets pushed aside when other things get busy. Well.. so does God unfortunately. I should fix that.
Connected to that thought, I need to read my Bible more often. I pretty much... don't. what kind of Christian does that make me? a bad one.. and an ignorant one I suppose. That's not who I want to be.
Rabah just sent me a song "Near to you" by a Fine Frenzy.. and I'm not listening to the lyrics much.. but the feeling of the song is hitting the right spot. I've got Wanderlust right now. I just want to drive around and not worry about work right now. I don't want to do anything- but I need to do well on this essay to prove that I can after 45b which was a disaster.
I feel like all the things I'm doing are all things that I love to do (with the exception of maybe work- but my boss makes up for that) but I feel like I'm still trying so hard to prove something all the time. Trying to prove that I can do everything, Trying to prove that I can be a good dancer and make it to finals, Trying to prove, I can handle Dancing, Being President and school, trying to prove that I can teach, trying to prove I'm decent in English, Trying to prove ... everything, I don't know whether it's proving it to myself, or proving it to other people. I think it's a little of both. I think this aspect of everything is grating on me.
I have very few strong friends here. I see people. and I see people more often than others. but I feel like I don't have a very equal, or just.. comfortable relationship with most people. still. I don't know whether being as busy as I am is helping. It isn't. I don't get to see anyone anymore. I'm complaining too much. I'll stop.

I'm ready for a day that isn't ordinary.

I just read Rabah's blog and she says this:

yang said i'm disappearing. i think i am. in the weirdest way. just....disappearing into priorities. disappearing into "can-do-this-all." i'd rather be disappearing into love and comfort and healthy education and bigbelly laughter.

We're in the same place even though we're 1,300 miles away.. I wish we were in the same place physically.