2007 in retrospect

This year had been pretty dynamic and monotonous at the same time. January seems like such a long time ago. I don't feel very different, but as Paul Simon says, "No it isn't strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same"

Can I compare my freshman year and my sophomore year in college to those of High school? probably. Are they going to be exactly the same? I'm not quite sure. I've said this somewhere before that freshman year was a year of transition. We're forced to make new friends, make our own decisions whether that be personal, or practical or whatever. I made a lot of mistakes, became less idealistic, lost some respect for myself, kept some, and overall let things kind of fall where they may. I think most of this past spring was spent looking backwards and trying to figure out how all that stuff, all that wonderful, painful glorious stuff from the past four (more like two) years was going to fit into this new place with new people. And whether that person that had formed would work at Berkeley. I think I treated the beginning of Freshman year (fall 2006) like another version of leaving home for a short period of time. What i did at Harvard, what I did at CTD was thought to be equivalent of this. And then Winter break came. and I saw people again. and it wasn't the same, and unlike before, it felt handicapping to try to keep it the same. So I moved on.
Spring 2007 I spent dissatisfied with what I had started out doing in Berkeley. I felt stuck by the decisions I had made in the Fall, but, I held to and finished out the year still knowing that this is where I wanted to be, even if I hadn't done anything of consequence. I was noticed more than I thought I would be- I became president, and got a job, and received my first grade below 3.0 and continued to be stupid in some regards, and well.. I suppose I'll always continue to be stupid in some regards.
I got my first apartment. Started to pay rent. Realised that every little thing that you don't think about like.. dish towels and silverware cost money, shelled out a lot of money that isn't mine, but I saw how much work goes into making that little bit. and bought pot/pans, a bookshelf, storage, tables and chairs, a bed, for the apartment... not realising that well.. this makes it seem like my apartment and not both mine and Rubal's. but more on that later.
This summer I learned I had administrative skills, the ability to prioritize and how hard it really is to cook for yourself. Friendships were random and funny. I had a stage of hanging out with pretty much only Ballroom people because it was.. well. easy. so easy to do so, because i saw them every night anyways. I think Summer was also my first time in a long time without a distraction in the form of the male half of the species. Too bad that didn't continue into the fall. Summer seems now like a time I spent for myself. I didn't see many people, granted i did some ballroom work, but i didn't think about doing things for other people during that time. Looking back it feels almost selfish. I think this was a year of becoming more and more selfish though helping people.
Fall drops into my lap. and suddenly there's school, and Rubal, and 190 people to take care of on the team that weren't there during the summer. One of the first things that sticks out is the prayer meeting at my apartment. I at least tried at the beginning of the semester to incorporate myself into that group. I still am I suppose.. I can't help but feel that I'm not trying hard enough. Or that I haven't gotten to know everyone. which is a bummer. and kinda makes me feel like an odd wheel. Ballroom made me realise how dumb and incompetent people are. perhaps, those aren't the right words. maybe just selfish. David Shis made a comment on how he saw everyone who became an officer come out jaded and burnt out. I think i've got both. Just the sheer lack of good will and grubbing that people do makes me want to be more selfish. I think it HAS made me more selfish. I don't think that's a good thing. I also think my Pride has gone through the roof. I need to get humble. I think I can do more than i should. One example of that is Dash. the new christian journal. I like it. I want to do it. i think it'll help me augment my faith a lot. I don't know. i don't have time for it. but it's so along the lines of what I want to do. so I've picked that up lets see how it turns out.
AJ throughout the summer and fall has become one of my best friends. I think my random decision to take him to see Dj Qbert with me last spring was well done.
I got my first real injury- well.. at a time when it really matters to me. in a very stupid way- and it's still broken, I had a steroid injected into my joint and well a week after that shot, its still a bit swollen and it aches when its cold. i don't know.
For the past 4ish years I think there hasn't been a time when I didn't have a crush on some boy- except perhaps this summer. but most of those times, it was more of a "it won't go any further than this" and even if it had then... it wasn't meant to. Its rare that I (rationally) want something to go past the general fun flirty part of crushing. happened this fall...for perhaps the third time in my life. Nothings going to come of it, but I like respecting people, and knowing that people I can see myself perhaps being compatible with DO exist.
One thing that I don't like, and I don't find flattering is being crushed on. I realised this past year that either, A. I'm good at flirting, or B. I'm more attractive than I think I am. meaning that more boys than I want to seem to want to be more than friends. It's disheartening when I just want to have good solid relationships with people and well.. it won't happen because of damn hormones. I suppose this means I should flirt less, and I should be more conservative. Does that mean repressing a part of myself?
Sometime this year I feel like I've become my own person. Well... I always was to people outside my family, but somewhere deep down before this year, I idolized my sisters as semi-perfect people, people I would like to model myself against exactly. and while I still would like to take some aspects of their lives and apply it to my own, I don't think it would be easier to be them. I see faults in them that perhaps I didn't see before, and well, it makes it easier to be myself and not look to them for everything. But I'm still learning this.
On my roommate situation, sometimes I feel like I'm babysitting, or taking care of Rubal. I stopped leaving the bills for her month on her side of the table, and instead I'm paying them and having her pay me. I lent her about half of my savings to go on a weekend trip to BC, which I haven't had returned to me in full, and if we're splitting grocery bills, then I don't want so much food that it all goes bad. There's something like a lack of common sense that I sometimes get, and it's slightly infuriating. Saying that, Rubal is still a good roommate. She doesn't mind when I do things that would infuriate any other person I would live with, and I'm grateful for that.
Over all, 2005 was a year of experimentation, 2006 was a year of transition and 2007 was a year of letting the parts congeal into something greater than the sum of these parts, as Alan Moore said. But perhaps... it's just an illusion of permanence.

2008. whatever may come will come. I won't make any resolutions other than this: I can always be a better person. Don't stagnate even if we come out more or less the same.

la la land

I don't know which is worse, trying hard to be normal.. or trying hard to be abnormal. Maybe they both seem pathetic to me (even though I'm guilty of the same things) because people are trying so hard to be something that they're not. but perhaps.. practice makes perfect right?

I don't know what to do at home. There's a lot of people I want to see, and yet.. I'm so lethargic that i end up just napping.. and not even spending time with my family at home. I notice a lot of grass-is-greener syndrome in me. I always want to be where I'm not. I've been getting wanderlust a lot lately. I need to go somewhere away from Berkeley and away from Denver... hopefully my trips to SD and Harvard this semester will be worth it.

I suppose I should be thinking about New Years Resolutions... and maybe now, instead of back in November I should be playing some FiF and being emo about how nothing changes... but it does, subtly if you want to notice it. I've always claimed to be an observer, someone who doesn't participate but rather analyses. Maybe this is the year to apply what I've learned from other people. maybe I just need to observe myself more.

Do you ever feel like you're moving backwards in time?

My life plays through my head like a movie.

"No one else will have me like you do..."

There are somethings that are worth looking forward to. Namely, seeing old friends. I suppose I should be more specific than that. Seeing old friend you know have missed you too. Rabah comes home in one day.

I'm looking at internships in SF right now.. and I have to say that well.. I'm pretty unqualified for most of them. pretty damn unqualified. I suppose this is where I start to take a whole bunch of marketing, and econ classes, and hope that at the end of the next two? one and a half? years I'm going to know enough.. or seem like I know enough to get some sort payment. I got really indignant when my doctor was like.. you're majoring in English... oh.

Probably shouldn't even be doing that. C+ in Shakespeare. daaaamn. Why do teachers and GSI's count so much for what my final grade ends up as? I can't even retake it to replace that grade. on the other hand, a good solid A in modern Brit/American lit. oofta. I'm a (not so) secret grade whore.

what am I doing with my life?

Tomorrow will tell me many things

Not having a voice makes me realise how much I talk. I talk a LOT. like I have to insert an opinion or a snide comment or something every single time. No wonder I'm always that person who doesn't shut up in section.

I'm home. I'm pretty exhausted. and I have no idea when the rest of my friends are coming back from school... i guess I'll take the next few days to sleep. A lot.

Rabah's homecoming count: 5 days

I've been listening to a lot of Interpol lately.

I just wasted 1.5 hours on Youtube

granted.. i DID read all of "much ado about nothing," "measure for measure" and "Antony and Cleopatra" I think my worst fear about this shakespeare test is memorizing all the freakin dramatis personae for each play. oofta. .. and publication dates...

I have a bad feeling that all of history is going to be left for that 6 hour block between the Shakes and the History final. I can't let myself do that. I can't let myself get youtube distracted, wikipedia distracted or anything else distracted. Thank you for everyone who has in the past changed my facebook password for me to keep me from getting facebook distracted.

AJ and I are gonna go hit up the DOGHOUSE this Saturday just to celebrate the end of all things.

first I have to get through all the things.

I know I said before that if my health held out until last monday... but please please please please... after Saturday. last extension, health I promise.

My first two finals were... ehhhh.... pretty good except for the fact that on each, one of the essays is pretty crappy. I should have re-read to the lighthouse... A- are good. i think.

It snuck up on me, only 8 days until rabah comes back, and well. i'm sort of getting used to the idea of going home in four. FOUR days eesh.

No nap tomorrow Jessica. and I MEAN it... do I call myself Jessica in my head? I think I just refer to the universal "Hey you"

home home home. Podiatrist :X hopefully s/he can give me magical healing powers that i haven't had for the past .. er... 4.5 months. and so I can go snowoarding! and i can Dance! and I can do EVERYTHING

Wishful thinking. Must focus.

alex is making Christmas Cookies

I want to go to his place and eat them.. but nooo.. i have two finals tomorrow.

I should start studying/reading for Shakespeare... i don't know if that's going to happen. I realise I need about a 99% (hahh) in spanish and a 92%ish in 45c. I feel like I can do the identifications/short answers alright for both. but essays are going to be quite shoddy. quite quite shoddy.

I don't know, there's this part of my brain that doesn't want to think about essays anymore (I blame last week) or that's forgotten completely about to the lighthouse. I really hope the text specific essay is on elliot... or beckett. because I'd be kinda screwed if it weren't.

its a good thing Janet took facebook away from me again.

I wish my notes were better.

Next semester, I'm going to read everything. and take good notes- instead of zoning out. I do that too much.

to sleep by 1:00am seems a luxury.

I miss studying with Elana

Need to get this last essay out. It'll get done. Only 7 days until I'm home again. what a scary thought. I'm halfway done with Sophomore year.

I'm eating chocolate covered sunflower seeds from Russia. And drinking coke.

Rabah meter: 12 days- on that note.. birthday present? oofta

Finals are coming... Things I never managed to read (yes, I <3 lists, deal with it)
- Their eyes were watching god
- Wide Sargasso Sea
- Wallace Stevens
- should re-read Quentin/section IV of Sound and the Fury
- All of Bakewell
- All of Sourcebook (though I suppose I can pick and choose based on the prompts)
- Antony and Cleopatra
- Measure for Measure
- Much Ado about Nothing

I think.. I should start reading for this now.... hopefully I'm motivated enough to do that. I need to find a good reading spot (where I don't fall asleep) I think outside would be nice... except i don't have any music to drown out distracting conversations.

I think my Godot paper went well. and this paper will go well.. as long as I freakin finish it. It's just that Damn Shakespeare paper. hopefully she likes it well enough to give me a B and I can rock the final... so basically I can get (hopefully) a B+... stupid grades. They make me worry.

somewhere in the past three weeks I've cultivated an appreciation for R&B... strange.

"I'm here I'm now I'm ready"

My health needs to hold up for these last two weeks, and then it can go to hell if it wants to.

I have half of my Godot essay done, probably only because I made facebook inaccessible. I am listending to "last goodbye" "no one" and "apologize" on repeat.

What's a good unisex white elephant gift?

I told myself that I'd be done with Godot by 3:00am, and then I'd start on something- whatever will be more productive.

This is one of those everything posts

I miss my Rabsies.

Should have done more work this weekend. should have gotten rid of facebook earlier.

when Friday afternoon comes, I'm going to be ecstatic.

I can't decide if I like the new Alicia Keys song or not.