"...and nothing changes"

Back in Berkeley, wasted the four hours that I've been here (see heading- which I bet Kaile is the only who knows what song/band that v. general statement refers to- or when I started to use "v.").

I think the prospect of work has me clearly unmotivated to do anything productive.

My feet are Icy.

I've been thinking recently about writing. And contacting my old teachers. but more so about writing and why I haven't done it in so long. I think it's because I'm being whiny. and I'm sick of writing whiny stories. I'm gonna fix it.

Before I take someone I've missed a lot into a lung crushing hug, I like to stare at them and make sure that they're really standing there. really really. I don't like to let go. Recently I've been slightly obsessed with this secret language of sleep online test thing. I think it's interesting. (I'm a bubble blower, or a colon) One of the questions is "what do you find most unsettling" and one of the choices is "people who hug too long" I'm definitely one of those people. But there's something satisfying in a good hug- Like this person knows how to squeeze all the bad chi out of you... not that i know anything about chi.

There's only 20 days left before my semester is complete. I'm scared.

I didn't get to see Kaile, and Kevin is leaving tomorrow for Arizona.

"Goodnight ladies, goodnight."

only 28 hours left!

And I also think my voice may be getting slightly better. though maybe that's because the most I've talked today is like 5 minutes. Must call the faculty club now.

I think I should be worried about this paper. i think I shouldn't be worried about a lot of other things I'm worried about and I should be worrying about this. but Oh well.

I think it's time for my list of Thanksgiving. I think I'll add as i go:

1. God- for being there even when I forget about him and use him for my own purposes
2. Rabah- Because without you I don't think I could have held this semester together at all. I'm not even counting down the hours til i get home... I'm counting down the hours until i get to YOU.
3. My Family- for not getting annoyed at my AWOL status. And for raising me "right" (if i can say that)
4. Eric- who often fixes my sense of wanderlust with his random popping ups
5. AJ- my late night friend and confidante
6. Dan, Sharla, Donovan, Dianna, David, Cindy and Lyell, for looking out for me
7. My Class at Fic- because they're uniquely a unit, and oh so cute.
8. Alex- for being motherly and a poo-face all at the same time.

I shouldn't be doing this, I don't have time to be doing this

I have 20 pg of Bernarda Alba to go through, I haven't even done my first read through of Gambaro, and I need to go over Dragun too. I don't know any of the terms for this test. and I got a 73% on the last one, so I need to do well. What am I doing at 1:#0 in the morning? blogging, and looking at pictures on facebook. and i know if I turn off my computer I'll just go curl up and fall asleep.

I just keep thinking about going home, and I can't focus on the gagillion things that I have to do before Wednesday afternoon. Or somehow they just don't seem important right now. I think part of it is homesickness, part of it is that there's so damn much, my brain keeps moving form one to the next in an unproductive frenzy, and part of it is that Rubal is going out every night and she doesn't have anything to do because she's not in school right now and I'm still the one who has to initiate anything if it's going to get done at the apartment like bills, and cleaning, and oi. just stop watching your hindi movies and do the dishes just once. please. I think just the juxtaposition between her workload and mine is getting to me.

I sat in the hallway with Dan, Sharla, AJ and David today for an hour or so just talking about nothing. I wish there were time for more of that. but there wasn't even time for that. I don't know what I'm doing right now.

I don't know what I'm ever doing and i'm always behind. I just want to see Rabah. and My Family. and sit down and think "oh looks like I don't have to worry about anything other than what I'm eating tonight. That's not going to happen - probably ever again.

This is a pretty sad post. I can't focus. I really really can't focus.

To-Do before flight 108 at 3:35pm:
- Study for Spanish test
- Spanish Essay (by Mon night so there's time to revise)
- Read Antony and Cleopatra/do question
- pick passage/essay topic for Shakespeare
- if possible write rough draft, bring to OH on Tuesday
- pick essay topic for 45c, outline for easy writing over break
- Senate meeting/ moving waiver
- Q&A for Int class
- yakov meeting
- work on Tuesday

"it's too late..."

A little bit of joy in my life

Previous list from May 2007, can be found here

Every 6 months I try to create a list of things that bring me joy. I haven't thought about this one. I'm giving myself 10 minutes

1. GChat with Rabah
2. Lindy with AJ
3. Hugs. Big ones
4. Rubal's Aloo Parantha
5. Naps in Hearst
6. Late Night Conversations
7. Naps
8. "23" by Jimmy Eat World
9. Dance parties
10. Awkward moments
11. Falling asleep at Ben and Jaime's
12. Hearing the Street cleaners int he early mornings.
13. cancelled meetings
14. waking up and seeing Rubal's cute feet.
15. baking with David/falling asleep while waiting for things to bake at David's
16. Chocolate and spanish studying with Elana

Funny how so much of this list revolves around sleep, and waking up. I DO get to see Rabah before Christmas dafalkdfa I'm so excited. Probably won't get to do much more than hug her and watch her pack, but still. it's concrete. It's been 21 long miserly weeks without my family and my Boo Boo.

time to write a Spanish essay.

life is changing

good things happening.

slowing down.
essays being postponed
seeing people outside of professional relationships

Bad things still:
lack of motivation creeping in
toe
no Rabah until christmas

apparently sleep deprivation inhibits your ability to heal

i dont' know why i'm blogging right now. I'm in that unresponsive phase where I'm not productive (i have an essay due tomorrow), and I can't make myself because sadsflakjadsfsa.

I fell asleep at the ballroom apartments last night doing work. I dreamed i was crying in my sleep, and apparently I was also whimpering in real life. Rubal tells me the same. apparently I talk in my sleep.

I need to get away from all of this. but the sad thing is, is that when I go home, skype insures that I can't get away. It does. damn the internet.

I used to hold onto God and doing well in Ballroom as the two things to keep me going, now I'm just down to one. I guess that's what God's there for isn't it? My toe injury came back. probably no more privates. cherry on top.

I think life is slipping out my window.

Necesito hacer demasiado, pero no se como voy a hacerlo. pienso que es imposible para sola una persona. no me gusta lo que hice ayer al modo de email. dame vida hoy por favor. dame felicidades.

"to die, to sleep,
no more, and by a sleep to say we end
the heartache and the thousand natural shocks
that flesh is heir to..."

to do

hamlet essay
retreat
privates
fix things with alex
spanish reading
sound and fury
look at extra credit for 45c
theater for charity
football fundraiser
church
reading for history
12th night
hide away

can't focus

I have 27 unread messages in my grody emailbox

I'm not going to read any of them until tomorrow. I don't want to see Trineice.. even though I should. and I want to oi. I don't know. wander forever in the time vortex that is the ballroom apartments.

I am going to retreat. I am going to consistently go to church. I am not going to be homesick. I am going to eat healthy. I am going to work out more often. I am going to stay on top of my work. I am going to do all of this by staying out of the time vortex that is the ballroom apartments.

I made pumpkin pie from scratch the other day. It was pretty good. needs some tweakage. but yes.

Jason and Eric carved me a pumpkin. I have named it Stanley. It has a boil coming out of its head.

Want to finish coraline. should write my essay. shoudl go into work more. should buy rhinestones.. and clean out email box.

Want to learn how to make cream puffs. or rabah's mom's graham craker cake. 'tis good. I want to say hi to Rabah's mom and sit in the very Ikea kitchen.. and raid the fridge and be with RABAH.

I also want to see my family. family. I should call them more often.

shoulda. shoulda. shoulda.