the return

so I just finished American Gods instead of doing whatever work I have to do. I like reading. I can't believe I almost forgot I like reading. I mean, of course I always said I did and I'll never deny that I love it, but on some instictual level I think I forgot what it was like to read something for leisure that wasn't a comic book/graphic novel, though those in their own right are just as rewarding. Neil Gaiman is still genius.

I'm getting used to the idea of San Fransisco (I'm probably going to Berkeley and SF is close) west won't be bad with the riceoroni and the trolleys...if the dogs bark and the bees sting... and I'm feeling sad.. i'll simply remmeber my favorite things.. and then I won't feel so bad.

In CW #1, Bournes gave us an assignment to rewrite that song.. mine was pretty decent... though my poetry skills are mad lacking.

in CW#3(the current one) we're doing shorts. which is what I tell myself I'm good at. but at the same time is one of the most painful processes I know. Really.. it is. I think all 'art' is that way. if takenseriously enough. sometimes.. they take it too seriously.

I found my wallet. it was at starbucks

I decided I'm going to try to dress nicer more often... doesn't mean no teeshirts and jeans for jessica... and it definitely doens't mean wear heels everyday. But I'm going to resist my urges to scrubb out.

At the end of all things

SO I guess its over... with the exception of princeton.. who decided they'd only post through snail mail. It's kinda of a relief. Congratulations to everyone who got into fricken amazing schools. Somehow it feels like all of our hard work has payed off.. and well.. I have to say It feels pretty awesome to have such an amazing class of IB kids.

Only thing left is to keep my B in Calc, study for some tests, rock some golf-ness, finish the lit magazine, write, find a job, and smile :O)

SOmetimes I wish I were bettter at packaging myself on paper, but everything turned out well.

guess what? WE'RE GOING TO COLLEGE

We're gonna fight the Eskimos next, you know that?

I'm pretty proud of what i've gotten done over the beginning of spring break. I finished a scholarship application, cleaned out my car (god knows i needed to do that) that was pretty gross. I no longer have lemonade all over my cds, nor am I able to live in my car anymore- all my food and clothes aren't in there anymore. I actually put my golf balls in a box so they don't roll around... someone should be proud. My room is next... both "my" rooms if I look around me right now. I'm leaving hanging out for tomorrow and Friday and Saturday and Sunday. hopefully I'll finish almost everything tonight.

I watched Crash yesterday for the first time. I almost cried at the part Don Cheadle(sp) got pwned by his mom. Just like East of Eden when Adam gets pwned by his mom(well step mom). It was okay overall. I thought that they did a good connecting job.. but some of the characters weren't developed very well.

you know.. I haven't colored with crayons in a long time.. I think I'm going to start that again.

I think April 14th is going to be a good day. IB Art exam/display, the big 18, my mom's turning 50, Lit Magazine submissions are due... speaking of which I should prostitute that more.

A week is actually a short time. a really short time. I find out from a lot of school tomorrow and the day after if they like me or not. So far.. I am loved.

I really feel like dancing... or sitting with people talking about nothing. I think those are the best times.. when we talk about nothing.

I'm glad my mom tells me stories about herself, and her parents, and her grandparents and so on. I feel like I know them better. I never knew my family was interesting... I thought we were just a bunch of hard working teachers... apparantly not. my Great grandfather owned goldmines.... weird eh? Its like I can really see my mom. instead of just living with her. sometimes I hate language barriers- if those weren't here I think i'd know my extended family a lot better.. and if they weren't on the other side of the world...or dead.

somehow I don't feel relaxed. I've been sleeping a lot, eating more.. hanging out some. but its like I have a constant crick in my neck. or I'm worrying about something.. but I don't know what. or I tell myself I don't know what I'm worrying about.

Tell me your stories, because I dont' have any of my own.

not good enough

The wachowski (sp?) brothers are trying too hard to relive the matrix,

I personally need to work on my short game bit.

James Bond has amazing STD repellant.

I hadn't fully appreciated Austin Powers until I saw Goldfinger, and From Russia with Love yesterday night.

I need to find de-tanner... but not quite Michael Jackson Style.

people come home from new york today.

break makes me shower at weird times of the day.

It's Coming.. and no I'm not talking about prom or homecoming.

Be Happy to be Rejected!

What: gambling pool
When: before this FRIDAY March 24
Who: YOU! (Ian and I are running this)

How:
-Create a list of schools you've applied to, and hypothesize accepted :) or rejected :( for each school
-exclude schools you've already been accepted/rejected to, and schools that are shoe ins (Ie. CU)
-send list to Iannappier@gmail.com, and Jessi.Park@gmail.com
-track me down and hand me five dollars
-you're valid only if both are in.

winners will be decided by the ratio of (estimated right)/(estimated wrong)
waitlisting = rejection... (yes they are equivalent Ian)
3rd place winner: tough love.
2nd place winner: breaks even (ie.. fi' dolla back)
1st place winner: takes the pot.


you know you want to.

did you know bologna is 38% hoof?

funny how a comedic chick flick puts everything wrong with my world right.

Tonight was a good night with Kaitlin and Amanda Bynes... though she kinda fails at pulling off the crossdressing.

I might just have a thing for crossdressing plotlines.

sixteen candles is overrated.

blue applesauce.. surprisingly good.

smiling doesn't seem like a foreign concept.

nodworthy.

Lethargy

thanks to Foote, I have now heard 'Here comes the Sun' and 'Ruby Tuesday' among others that I had never listened to before and should have.

It's wierd looking at job aplications. makes me feel old.

Reading "Uncle WIggily in Connecticut" makes me sad. I hope I never turn into that.

Blargh.. for old times sake
I feel like I've changed a lot since that time a year ago... not even so long. we all have. It's natural for me to have that dent between my eyes now, a cowlick in my hair from pulling at it, and a crick in my shoulder from hunching over. I don't smile as much as I used to and I tried to talk to my parents abotu politics.. great idea Jessica.

I used to be talky and smiley... what happened?

and Nick.. do send/burn me something good by Pelican.

I'm going to go commandeer Hollen's beach house.

I bought a dress yesterday and a straightener. the dress is marylin monroe-y and the straightener is pretty amazing.

Janet Comes Home (almost) tomorrow. :)

Lean on me...

I got stuck in an elevator this weekend for forty minutes. It was at capacity.... and then we stopped.. right on our floor and the door wouldn't open. Girls can be really annoying and shreiky. Thus, two girls started to freak out because of claustrophobia..and one girl thought it would be a good time to hope that she didn't throw up because she had eariler that day. It was actually rather fun.

I learned the Pretzel for real this time... and matt threw me around his waist. I love swing dancing.

I really can't write poetry.. I'll be glad when this unit is done in wills'.

We need to find a new Key Club Sponsor because Fox (dont' even say it Ian) is bailing on us. If I had gone to convention last year.. I would have been so much better with all of this stuff.

people gossip too much... and really.. I dont' know if its true.

oh the hipster girls from Cali... reminds me of joyce. and I really hate leggings.. and at the same time, I want a pair. kinda like gauchos, I think its something like they're so ugly they're cute. you know?

this year we raised about 13000 dollars for the school in Vietnam + the 28,000 from previous years. that's pretty awesome.

Riverton's Key Club is ridiculous. seriously. ridiculous. but next year Smoky's goign to Represent on the Board.

To two day weeks of school!

materialism in list form

Things I want:

CDS:
- Pink Moon, Nick Drake
- The Light of Things Hoped for, Brave Saint Saturn
- Everything in Transit- Jack's Mannequin
- Electric Boogaloo-five Iron Frenzy
- something good by Pelican.
-something good by the Flaming Lips

DVDs:
Gilmore Girls seasons 1-3
Batman: the Animated Series seasons 1-4
Batman Beyond season 1 (if season two were out that'd be better)
Adaptation
The Goonies
Edward Scissorhands
LOTR: Fellowship of the Rings- Extended Edition
LOTR: Two Towers- Extended Edition
The Big Sleep
Finding Neverland
Sin City


Books:
The Max
Sandman: #2,3,8,10, endless nights
Watchmen
Bluebeard by Vonnegut
Harry Potter #7
The Long Goodbye by Chandler


I like how i can convince my parents to buy all the books I want, so I already own most of the ones I wanted before. For the rest of it, i need a job.. unless there are people willing to burn me the aforementioned cds.

Funny how Ecclesiastes chreers me up... in a depressing way.

cycles

I guess its back to square three.

Sometimes I just want to yell at people to get all my frustration out. Though, I think i'd be without friends or tact then. and really doesn't help anyone out. I'm too... non-apathetic, no matter how hard I try not to be.

I'm not mopey. Time is just molasses-ing along through the week, and at the same time moving at Mach 3. Its that teenage uselessness coming into play.

I'm having troubles coming up with words with meaning. All I can think to do lately is steal from people better than me.

Sweat blood and tears- that's what made me the way I am today.

Eleventy one kinda sucks... a lot.

oh well.. first tournament. I was happy, or at least satisfied with the front nine.. and then the back nine went to shit. hazards galore, and three putts all around.

I've been reading Brief Lives chapter by chapter (if you couldn't tell by my last post.. or if you're sneaky, the title of my post before that) I have to say he's just a genius- with plot, and words, and ideas. Neil's one of those writers that makes me think i'm unworthy to even try to write and at the same time, he makes me want to do it even more.

My parents have begun to tell me where to go and what to study again. No, I don't want to be a doctor. Yes, there's still a possibility of me going to New York if I get in to Columbia. No, I don't care that some girl got murdered and wrapped in mailing tape (weird) in the city. She was probably being dumb and walking alone at night anyway. And finally, no I don't care if I'm financially stable or not.

I can't write poetry. Its not in me. really I can't...

I need to call my sisters more often. They always call us.

I heard my first good sermon in 7 months today. yay for the church finally noticing the youth group. not yay for the Korean ministry stealing/ jacking up all of our equipment and not yay for them painting our room poorly/thecolor of peasoup puke.

I've always loved stars. even to the point of looking up while driving and swerving onto the other side of the street (only in neighborhoods) too bad I don't have a moonroof in my car. and with that, some words from Neil:

"I like the stars. Its the illusion of permanence, I think. I mean, they're always flaring up and caving in and going out. But from here, I can pretend... I can pretend that things last. I can pretend that lives last longer than moments."

A Xanga-esque post.

For you unbelievers... which is pretty much everyone.

"Reason. It is no more reliable a tool than instinct, myth or Dream. They are exploring and creating, defining and dissecting."
"Do they think that they can impale the soul of [an ape] on their knives? that if they cut deep enough they can extract its dreams naked and writhing and screaming from its heads. Reason is a flawed tool at best."

I think Brief Lives is my favorite of all the Sandmans. That's where that ^ came from. One of my favorite parts is looking at Dave McKeans artwork inbetween the chapters. It's very... Dangeresque III. i dont' know what I meant by that.

I'm ready for a new day to start.

I beat minesweeper.

Because feeding the soul is more important than feeding the body.

That thing that lets you know time is happening.

Ian needs to give me back all my Sandmans... because they're amazing- and I want to read them again. Maybe it's time for a trip to Borders. People complain about the chains, that they're too corporate or whatever.. yeah small bookstores are nice.. but sometimes if they're really empty you get stared at for sitting down and reading something you didn't buy.

I need to stop watching home improvement shows like Devine Design, While you were out, Get Color! and so on... I've recently taken to thinking about paint colors and building armoires.

It feels like summer- not helping the lazy.. lets-play-minesweeper-and-not-do-work phase. hopefully it stays atleast through saturday.. where I can golf my butt off against other girls from other schools all of whom seem to be a lot better than me, or a lot worse.

Thursday's going to be fun. Physics test, math quiz, english essay? good thing there's not chemistry too.

At the beginning of the year.. Alliy and I put something like ' we're gonna be best friends' in the Key CLub flyer, and now, with Lit club.. our posters, lets just say are going to be amazing. I love going through with ridiculous ideas.

Facebook mixing with highschool facebook- bad idea.. gonna lower the quality of facebook as a online thingy. turn it into a myspace type thing.

I can't take it anymore. the obnoxiousities of Calculus class (and of not calculus class) and loud offensive statements. I jsut don't feel like playing a long and laughing anymore. Just not in the mood.

in a little bit of Rabah style:
14 days until the end of a two day week.
30 days until the "dear jessica, we love/hate you" letters start coming in.
45 days until my mom's birfday.. and 45 until mine.
88 days until one of those freeze frame jump into the air moments because High School is DONE!!!!

Don't wait for me.. I got a lot to do, got a lot to be

I was down to fifteen mines... and then the smiley face blewup and had x's for eyes. I'm gonna beat the expert level of that game oneday. One day soom.

I like the new sound to keasbey. the play between the horns on Walking Away got a lot better.

I'm at that place again where I'm sick of everyone and their crap that belongs on Planet lookatmelookatme. except for a couple of people.. me thinks its time for a getaway... which won't happen anytime soon.

Why is it.. i'm good at putting on practice greens and in my house.. and then start suckaroo-ing once i start actually playing? It starts tomorrow. I'm superdeeduper excited. Bring on the freshmen.. adn the golf balls.. and Alwin's crazy swings.

it jsut means that April first is that much closer.. and may too.

I need something like a carnival or another shortfilm festival or SOMETHING that isn't the movies or something I could do at anytime to give me a "hey... life isn't dry and meticulously draining you of joy"

Just stick me in an igloo in the middle of the Yukon. or give me New york, or Boston, or CHicago somewhere away from this egotistical shithole of a city with its festering teenagers and maybe when I come back after a week or two, I'll beable to say "It isn't as bad as I thought it was"

Jen was talking about us living together in the same city- raising kids together- being closer as sisters. Good idea... but i've got to move. wiggle room- trips to Barcelona, or Kyoto. Big trips.. I'll slip out of the manacles of settledness somehow. restless like thistle in the wind.

I miss Janet.

Don't cry emo kid.

Crying Josh a river.

Neil Gaiman is Amazing

I don't think I have very much in common with my family at all. maybe that's just the typical teenager in me thinking, but really. I don't.

amnesty night was pretty awesome.. there was a little bit of running around.. but over all a really good performance.. I liked ICE... and Lani and I performed Give Peace a Chance, which went over well other than the ruining of several pots and pans /instruments and not being able to hear us.

I love the backstreet boys. AJ is awesome.

in fits of Delirium.


I am getting way too much sleep.

Better Than Basketball

Come to AMNESTY NIGHT (Entertain Your Human Rights)

Friday 2.17 (Tomorrow)

7pm

$5

Food,
Art,
Human Rights and

Performances by:
Kris Becker
The Panic Sphere
ICE
Hip HOp CLub
Rachel Pontious
Sidney Masuga
and yeah they managed to fit in more than that.

BE THERE.. we're going to beat Mullen anyway.

"like a sunset on another empty night"

It's funny when sleep doesn't help anymore- doesn't matter if its 2 hours or 15.. but i'm still sleepy, and I could still always sleep more.

I feel like I do alot once I get to school- everythign that I have to do jstu hits me, when as soon as I step into my car again... I stop thinking and just get super lethargic. maybe I shoudl live at school so I can be productive and psychotic all the time.

I just watched my first bit of olympics in probably about 6 or 8 years. I remmeebnr watching womens figure skating on my parents bed with my mom dad jen and janet all beneath the covers when I was maybe five or seven. Kinda wish I had the time to do that again.. though they no longer have a tv in their room.

Oh and I got an extra copy of the receipt :o) 25 dollars saved,... 10 more to go.

I need to... idk.. stand at the top of a mountain and scream for a good minute or two... and then fall backwards into a pile of snow.. and stare at running clouds laughing because I'm not anymore. just.. watching the running.

To the end- in hopes it comes quicker.

He climbed down on the stars

I feel like I've been in fifth gear for over a week and a half. Yeah I got a rest this weekend, but didn't feel like it.

We sold about one hundred dollars worth of hershey's kisses.. which means abotu a 60 dollar profit. awesome. I lost one of my receipts.. not awesome.

I'm bitter about science bowl- what a bad way to end.

All I want is for everything to stop, and for me to just... golf.. and read.. and write..and hang out... and get into freaking college.

Can I be sleeping beauty and sleep for a hundred years? I'm ready.

Can't see me flying because all I'm doing is falling- and that's not even buzz lightyear with style business. just flailing, and failing.

breathing is good.

guess that didn't last long.

right now i'm debating sleeping or not. however, the actual topic of my IA is still up for grabs, as well.. i don't really know much at all about the middle east. so just becasue i'm reading a lot of good info on egypt and Nasser and stuff.. doens't mean that B and C are written.. so... can I do it all tomorrow before midnight? hopefully?

sleep deprivation really gets to me. one night its okay- but two and a half in a row? no. naps only help for the immidiate couple of hours after that when its this bad.

Its shocking to count how many months it had been before i had a real conversation with Chris yesternight. He's a good kid.

i'm tempted to leave off for tomorrow post 6.5 hours of sleep. Maybe not go to creative writing? idk. mentors? idk.

I have a kenkersore in my mouth. I haven't had one of those for a long time. it makes me clentch my jaw which probably isn't good for whatever's wrong wiht it.

bed? bed? bed.

I feel like a beetle under a ton of bricks.

Jason Mraz tells me to not worry my day away. Maybe i'll just frantically run my day away instead.

sorry for the disjointed nature of this post.

When the need comes around.

I think I'm going to try the old fashioned paper journal approach- You'd assume I'd be able to write more freely there- but I have this paranoia that someone is going to find it (where it's sitting on my desk) and look through it- so i write everything vaguely and don't have any space to reflect- but I do that here too. There is no difference.

I don't know.

I might be back in a week.

I'm in one of those moods where I want to curl up in a big chair with a mug of something and stare out at the rain, or a sunset/rise- but there is no rain/sunset/rise and no time to curl up into big chairs.

I have to move along and run around in circles- because that's what I expect out of myself.

"I'm never going to be good enough for you am I?"

I guess it's present buying season.

And knowing that... I'm almost broke- Ian's birfday, Janet's birfday, Yang's birfday in February, screw March and mine, my mother's, Charlie's, (Hannah and Vince too) Foote's and Taifur's in April... and then School is done... done done done done done done done done.


I spent today sleeping... I ate some pizza...watched some crap and then fell back asleep ont he couch... and then ate dinner.. I am a bum. remember that brand of clothing? I used to have a pretty awesome sweatshirt as a kid from that company.

According to I-tunes, my most listened to song is 'The Silent Enigma' but I bet if it counted the songs I listen to in my car and in my bathroom... it wouldn't be- then again it might be 'opener' by Jimmy just because the first verse plays probably five times a morning due to my snooze hitting.

golf is starting! and I'm not going to be the only senior.. take THAT Alison and Amanda... who never read this anyway. Coach Steenrod is pretty awesome..

I'm really tempted to skip Denver Rescue Mission for Lit Club on Tuesday.... should I? hrmmmm....

Happy birfday Yesterday Joe- I hope I made it happier and not un-happier.

Going on a Date with Rabah Tomorrow (maybe)

"You are lucky to have so many beautiful butterflies around you. be nice to her especially, becuase you never know when she might fly away"

Casablanca is an experience, getting fed by the chef, having my hands washed by chris, the no utensils business, the amazing food, belly dancing, and races to finish the oranges. I'd say the money was worth it.

Tonight was pretty damn fun- swing dancing with himanchu, definitely the highlight of the dance. makes me miss my Texas boys.

I wanna cook more often, or rather, make things with food more often.

I wanna learn to belly dance

I wanna get into better shape

I wanna learn how to crump


My dad doesn't understand the beauty of waking up early for the simplicity of watching the sun rise from a place that's pretty amazing. pretty amazing. pretty amazing.

First Try

I think its okay for not knowing what to do with a brush.

Nothing changes.

Ben Ildae Lim- one word comes to mind- fresh- like toothpaste. He's got college, the Yummies, his other job with MusicLink, and yet manages time to talk to scrunts like me. He's got it happening.

Steinbeck is good, not great. Tortilla Flat... not really interesting me right now.

I'm really tempted to keep Watchmen for myself instead of giving it away. V for Vendetta was pretty awesome.

My mood is vastly better than it was at the beginning of the year.

Snowflake Shake.. eh.... eh.... fine I'll go.... eh...

I realise I still have Ned's We.

"Really.. we only have like three weeks left"

"Can you see when you laugh?.. I can't."

feels good.

I peed for about half a minute... it was amazing.

and then I knocked my foot into a door and I think I might have wokien up my dad... not so amazing.

Iso

There's something special about seeing people by themselves. They're not trying to impress anyone, and it seems like they're taking a lot more time to think about things. What things? anything, life, God, crayons.

Last sunday I peeked into the sanctuary before the College Ministry and Peter was there playing his guitar, singing his heart out. Just sitting on the edge of the platform and jamming with God. Today at Chipotle, as I was leaving, one of the workers had a burrito bol filled with mango slices.. I don't know where she got the mango, but she was enjoying them. It was pretty sweet.

I like wasting time with myself. I don't get to do it very much, because I often regard it as time not well spent. I could be seeing people I don't get to see much outside of school, or I could be doing that thing... you know.. that one thing that needs to be done by soemtime soon, but not tomorrow?

Over break I was going to see Kong by myself, my dad insisted on coming along even though he didn't want to see it. I don't like knowing the person next to me isn't enjoying the movie. I think that's one of the reasons I like to be alone- I always worry whether whoever's with me is enjoying themselves...

I think I'd like to go back into cherry creek state park- I haven't been there since we went for Bio Sophomore year.

This weekend:
Brokeback mountain,
possible church lock in,
boarding?
cutting yangs hair?
Mercury cafe?

I call BS

So today I went to poetry club, a little awkward, because I don't really know anyone there. There's a lot of talent out there. Its all slam style, rather sweet, but what happened to the sestinas and the pantoums?
Andres fed me a bit of bullshit though- saying no one is better than anyone else. There will always be a ranking system-- maybe somethings are incomparable...but screw that.

I think one of my favorite parts of the week is coming up with ideas for lit club.

"He didn't want to get lost in the woods. So he made a very small forest, with just one tree in it"

Your time will come

I'll be feeling the pains of not doing anything this weekend tomorrow.
I think I just saw my clock move backwards an hour.

Matt Lockermann is going to end up a tragic footnote on the page of Ian and Josh.

an hour an a half for over four months of barely talking cannot be enough.

MTV is scandalously shallow. "I want my own kelly clarkson!" okay.. we'll audition people who don't mind pretending to be someone else just so that they can get some ass. I think I lost a lot of neurons watching that channel this weekend.

I didn't get to see slam poetry ..le sigh... maybe next time.

You're not You anymore.

I don't know what happened this week. off moods everyday, unmotivated to do anything. Sorry to those of you who dont' want to hear it, but its not that time of month. I have no excuse. I'm not supposed to be crabby and easily pissed off.

I definitely caught myself in the act of immortalizing the people I don't see anymore. All their sins have washed away and all I can see is goodness. somewhere deep down, i know that's not true. They're People, jessica, remember that. They're not going to fix you.

All other times seem better than now, whether that's past or future.

I lost Bluebeard somewhere on Tuesday. There was an amazing doodle by sidney in it. What a freaking talented girl. And I wanna finish that book.

I'm in a mood for no reason. help me out.

I probably shouldn't post this.

"There's something wrong with that blood; I can see it."

:o(

I can't finish a chipotle anymore.


le sigh.

you're what you own

Its very apparant that most people are motivated at this period in time- its a new year which means a "blank slate" and time to self actualize.

I'm giving up on everything. I'm never going to be tidy, I'm never going to have pretty handwriting (might I admit to testing out the 3rd grader's writing tablet i got for festivus?) and I'm never going to be eloquent.

however, I think my Brown interview went well- better than my columbia one.

The news really makes me sad these days. No wonder I didn't read it for so long.

Humphrey Bogart is a badass.

You never said I couldn't do it... maybe I said it to myself.

Its new years Eve

I'm Done!!!!!!

2005.

This is my year in a general chron order. A lot of new, a lot of old. something crazy went down this year

black tie New Years Party at kaile's house, glutton bowl, air soft guns, K's Porshe

Ski Trip not enough car space, hot tubs, who woudl you rather, good mixes,

DC ian got a thong for his birthday, Israeliv became Jizraeliv, and there were talks on the hidden staircases. "I can't don't exist" I also saw Fatimah without her headscarf on.

Golf got louder with Teegan and Rachel- i dont' know if Steenrod liked it... but more amusing anyway.

Birthday Came and Went- I got some cool beads (which reappeared at prom) and a nice tiara- I think I sucked that tournament

Tests happened... Ian told me about throwin' down the nickel.. though it didn't really help.

Prom Happened- a little collar tug in the direction of Chris and Eileen, Ian won't dance. food was good. massive cake. the Denver Post building is pretty sweet. I met Conor, Red Rocks, Egdorf, cracking my head onthe ice..and then home and sleep.

IB Assembly: highlight: the mimicking of Jizraeliv's hand motions. Chipotle afterwards.. possibly the worst chipotle I've ever had.

Picnic- I can now tie shoes with my feet

Graduation = party (ian's gonna kill me for that equals sign) Israelivs, Neds, Conors, JOyce, Molly, Jeff, and Matt/paul/Anthony/Ellen/Nathan's

Europe- Berlin, prague, krakow, auschwitz, budapest, vienna, Salzburg, Munich- meeting Matt and Ned. Getting Locked in a park.. Shane and Randy, Talks with Molly in Stairwells, almost getting suspended, prague beads, Die Toten hosen/trisestry/Slobodna, 'eat towards them,' sing-a-long with lauren

Harvard- figuring out the Subway system, dance parties, MTP (mathias), sardines in Widener, Uno's, St James, Chong's party, Harry potter, New York, Horrible Horrible Filippes/cabana boy, Love Shack, Brown, Yale, Healthies, Swing Dancing, Charlie/Hannah/Heita running five million miles, MAC, Au Bon Pain, Emails, Science Center, Party ROom, Stealing from Annenberg, Rocky Horror

Home- parks, catching up, CHilis,

College sorting

Key Leader- "Bonfire", hike to nowhere, Yeeahyuh, starbucks, Ride that Pony,

Labor Day Weekend- taste of colorado, sushi den

Star Wars nights

Rent with malorie

People come home/Time warp to last year

too many deaths- I didn't know them (Seho and Ian). but I knew their faces. crumbling.

San Diego- woot woot, PB, Seashells, cheap clothes, mountains to the east, giant sheepdog waves, gross birds, not shotgun, Gettin down with the homeless, extraordinary desserts.

I'm Going to San Diego!

see title.

reach

It's so close I can taste being done (what a cliche)
You're not gonna get any closer if you don't start doin some work, Park
I don't wanna!
Do it.

Final stretch.. almost there...
I'm reaching my arm out- if only there was someone to pull me the rest of the way.

about 89 days left of school give or take a day or two.

"Will I lose my dignity, Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"

hooah

knee high powder is amazing... and I m completely out of shape.
San Diego next week. Festivus on Friday.
Shopping tomorrow.

King Kong is okay. a little ridiculous.. i like how kong's to scale all the time. Adrian Brody...Not a big fan of the nose.. but still what a fricken hot guy.

That was a deep entry.

Nothing like it

I'm probably gona end up staying up for a while.. so I decided to take a little break... which'll probably turn into a big one.

I want to start knitting rabah's scarf: the yarn I got is pretty amazing it goes from FAT to skinny within a space of like 3 inches. but I have to finish my othe rtwo first.

one more day eh? its probably gonna be relatively easy- depends on how much I do tonight. I think they generally space out breaks perfectly. just as I feel there's no more of me left to put into anything... I get a break.. and even though it may not be reallly truly refreshing... its good enough to get me to the next one.

people are trickling in. it felt like last year today seeing rollins, anthony, ellen, and the malibu in the school parking lot. I forgot how long it had been since I've seen some of these people. Festivus is gonna be amazing.

Too much to do Too little time.

"I am a banana!"

i need to stop being self depreciating.

Janet's Home!

This week: last tok class, History final, Science bowl teams, people come home. Stanford App due.
Next week: College apps, Festivus, chillaxing
Week after: Christmas, San Diego, New Years.

band of the weekend: the Decembrists

maybe I changed my mind

I love this weather. Its refreshing to walk outside and it just smells Clean. I guess it kinda sucks after a while when you start freezing.. but.. its still amazing.
I'm currently Cable-knitting a scarf... though I'm wondering if I should pull out my work and knit regularly, because it takes less yarn to make it fatter and probably longer. I hope I have enough yarn.

Sometimes I imagine myself in a large empty room with a giant fireplace, my knitting, a couple of books, and a journal. I think that would be amazing. something about being completely alone is appealing these days.

I think College is definitely on a lot of people's minds. stuff needs to get in, early decisions are coming back... you know what? it'll go faster if you don't think about it (for the Early D/A ones. not that I won't be bouncing antsily for the returning letters in April.

A b'girl party!

So basically I slept about a total of... 27 hours over the past 48 hours. I don't know what My problem is.. either i'm developing narcolepsy.. or something. hopefully it was just from not sleeping the week before.

There's a lot that I have to do. but somehow.. i don't really care about hat right now. I always say i'm gonna do stuff over weekends.. but itnever happens. I always end up packing it into the week.

four school weeks until we're at the half way point. I'm excited to be in TWO english classes. It's going to be amazing. I was thinking about taking another art class. I miss being decent at art. now I just kinda suck. i think I'll like the off period though.

popsicles are like little icy sticks of joy.

I guess I should start working.

I need to kick back in Today, instead of grasping for Tomorrow or Yesterday.

why don't we use the term Yesternight anymore?

Zero to hero

I've been reading a lot of mythology lately, and I must say, its some pretty wierd stuff. I never really thought about Zeus turning into a swan and having sex with Leda. She's having sex with a swan... whaaa??
and then there's always postthumous sex- somehow also including getting pregnant, and crossdressing. I have to say its pretty entertaining stuff... though I should give Ady his books back soon.

I'm excited for festivus.

"You are what you love, not what loves you"

Sometimes I look back at some posts I created- and never posted.. I think those are the ones that say more about me than anything I have posted.

I hate those times when I look in the mirror and I find everything wrong with my face. Those aren't good days. I think I'm prettier at night.

everything comes back to me. I don't know about anything going on outside jessica's little world of IB and college. Not really a fan of that, but I don't see myself doign anything about it.

I love fruit. if you look at persimmons closely it looks like they have cinnamon in them. they taste like they have cinnamon in them- i just dont' like it when they get slimy. I think my favorite fruit might be the white peach.. despite having found a grub in one once. it inched across the table in a lazy fat manner just as I bit into the half that I had cut.. it was exactly the same colour as the peach and squishy.

I'm a bit miffed J.C. likes to believe the worst in people. It seems whenever I try to have a little bit of respect for the guy, it comes crashing down. I find it depressing that Peter can give better messages than JC can despite going to seminary.

Age of Innocence is painful. East of eden was pretty amazing. not quite to the point of making me stop and wonder at Steinbeck's genious, but still good.

There's something about good ol' Jerome David that gives me shivers.

If I love books and writing so much, then why do I have such a hard time putting words together?

I hate being vulnerable. love's one of those things where you cut yourself open and you don't care what they do to you. Anything is justified. Isn't that horrifying.

Maybe I'm cutting myself open and you're still a hundred yards away. I'm waiting.

What the Doctor Ordered

Lately I haven't been so please with myself. I had been needy and whiny and I was generally annoying myself to the point where I wanted to separate and never see myself again. Today was a first good day in a long time.

RENT is amazing. to you musical haters (cough joe cough) go see it. I cried like I haven't cried before in a movie. It was amazing and I'm glad I wasn't dissapointed after Harry Potter. Original cast was a good plan because they were the ones who made these characters who they are- it wouldn't be the same with Justin Timberlake playing Roger (which- adam pascal is AMAZING). Dinner with Malorie was nice too. I hadn't been able to catch up with her in a long time.

Its going to be a good movie season. for the past two years I've been really dissapointed with the majority of the movies that have come out. They're making a movie out of V for Vendetta (which gives me an excuse to go buy it- instead of reading the couple pages of it every time its in a bookstore I'm in) Memoirs of a Geisha is coming out- i don't know how good of a movie it's going to be- but the book was pretty good- I want to see how they characterize Nobu. POTC 2 comes out next summer, as does Xmen 3- which.. if they set it up for a fourth, I'm going to be mad- because you need to stop somewhere. the previews for pride and prejudice make me want to see sense and sensibility again. I tried to read S&S and it was super boring.. I'm not a big fan of Chopin, Wharton, Ausin or the Brontes... I know there are other movies that I want to see that I'm not thinking of right now.

I started baking pie today- well i made the crust because it has to refrigerate over night- but.. I had forgotton how much I love baking. Its amazing to see how some different powders and liquids can mesh to form amazing food (that's usually amazingly bad for you)

I'm debating whether or not to go to T2 because I should be spending that time with my family.

A List of Thanks

last year I had a list of over a hundred thigns I'm thankful for. This year.. I'm cutting it back. these are the top 20 things I'm thankful for- in no particular order some are explained.. others don't need it.

1. my family
2. independance
3. God
4. creativity
5. time
6. Joe's Joeness
7. Peter Song for keepin it real with the youth group
8. swings
9. choice
10. SSP- esp. Kristine, Charlie, and Misha
11. Lauren's hugs
12. J.D. Salinger
13. intelligence
14. Self Esteem
15. not being high maintenence
16. Rabah's ability to make anything and everything poetic
17. Lunches and talks with Kaile
18. Social life to keep me sane
19. Ian's crazy ideas
20. sleep

that's not everything I'm thankful for..and sometimes I'm not thankful for them. butyou know what- this is a genuine list. Nothings on here because I'm obligated to put it on here because of who does and doesn't read this.

Happy Glutton day guys.

Tea and Time

There's something about green tea that beats out every other kind. I could drink a genuiune version of green tea- one that resembles more of a pea soup than a clear somewhat green liquid. It's amazing. no other can compare to that japanese goodness.

The time is coming where thankful lists are just around the corner. I wonder how much its changed- how much its stayed the same.

This time of the year has to be one of the worst- in terms of school, but one of the best in terms of fruit- though i'd have to say peach season is better than this persimmon/grape season. i just want to get through the next two days... and then Harry Potter... and then and then Rent... with amazing adam pascal, i'm super de duper excited for both.

I've given myself an until next wednesday deadline to talk to Charlie, Kristine and Misha.

Time to crack down.

I dunno man, I dunno.

I went and saw Malorie today in Little Women, it was pretty sweet, i thinkt hat was one of my favorite books as a kid. and you know.. I was thinking about it during the musical, and really, most of my favorite books and movies have been about writers, or writing or something to that extent. Maybe I make them my favorites becasue it seems right, maybe I'm simply drawn to them. I think its the Latter.

There's something about talent that's unattainable for me. I guess sometimes I feel mediocre at best next to certain people. Maybe I'm pulling myself in too many directions. I've got this image of these strings, not unlike ian's wax-wires that are pulling at me, and eventually splatter me across this room as limbs and my nose go flying across the room. I don't want to be mediocre. I want to be amazing.

being teeny-bopper

I guess you could say that this week has been pretty busy, but its been a good week. Today I watched the Gilmore Girls I taped yesterday, and I must say that it was the highlight of my week so far. Why you ask? Jess comes back. what an awesome loveable character he makes. I feel like i'm back in eigth grade attaching all those last names to mine. Not that K ever reads this (and she's the only one who'll get it except perhaps kaile) I was Jessica Shim Park Park Kim Bloom Bloom.. but it went on forever. I've narrowed my list.. checked it twice and I come up with one name. Milo Ventimiglia. what a freaking hottie. Maybe its just the 'jess' character he plays, but seriously... waaay more attracted to him than probably any other actor, though I may admire other's acting abilities more.

Gilmore Girls has yes gotten worse since the third season (its now in its 6th), but its the little 'Jess is back' episodes that keep me going... keep me watching. That episode made me want to go out and buy season two and three for the jessosity- but i don't have that kind of money.

I made cake for the cake walk tomorrow. it's going to be fun.

"I love you."
"I love cake."

Not time to crack down yet.

There's something about the ending of "Hey Jude" that makes me smile. maybe it's the memories of my dad trying to imitate them, maybe its because it's in the beginning of the Royal Tenenbaums, maybe its because we all stood around a table swaying to it singing the nanananananana Hey Judes at Key Leader. but that song is just associated with good times.

November's super busy. like super-de-duper busy. I love it and hate it at the same time.

I love real compliments and at the same time i dont' know how to handle them.

I haven't talked to my sisters in a long time.

Have you ever just wanted to do something big do something great? I think one of my biggest desires is to be affective. no not effective. affective. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not.

East of Eden is a pretty amazing book. I haven't quite finished it yet. but still. I'm reminded of the intro he wrote in Cannery Row- if you have it, go look at it. his imagery just makes me warm and fuzzy.

float on.

I avoid confrontation. I can't hurt other people. I don't care if I'm hurting myself in the process. I can handle it. How the hell am I supposed to know if they can? Its disgusting. I do it anyway no matter the self-disgust factor. I can get over it. Oh you want me to lay my jacket down over that slushy muddy puddle? Well.. I bought it yesterday with all the money I had and have been saving up for it.. but okay. I take the women's way out and I end up complaining to everyone except who should hear it. is it going to change anytiem soon? well maybe I could complain less about it. that way I don't really bother whoever doesn't want to hear about it, but are too nice to say so. I'm sitting in this corner.. hello? can you see me? I'd wave my arm but it seems like I gave that to you a long time ago.courage fails. resignation creeps in. Life continues on.

Dreams be Dreams

I wish I were telepathetic
I wish something monumentally good would happen.
I wish I could just lie down and hear life.

I'm being whiny... ignore me.

It's disorienting when you don't realise how tired you really are.

Done.

So the extended essay is nicely over 3500 words (3517), and polished and pretty. For those who want to know it is "An Exploration of the Use of the Antihero in Noir Fiction" though now I really wish I had persued my original thought on Salinger or Gaiman instead of this... cop-out essay. oh well its done.. which means I'm one step closer to being done with the crap IB makes us put up with.

BBmak is pretty amazing. yay for boy bands. I need to be able to control my off days better. really I do. What would YOU do with a trillion dolars?

Dominos has some mighty good but mighty expensive breaksticks.

On Friday I bowled two games with my youth group.. I shared my 2nd game with Caroline. 1st game: 34. 2nd game 50-something. It was pretty amazing. Ildae taught me how to put spin on my ball. I rock at the bowling game.

I'm going to make an effort to learn more about my faith instead of being one of those ignorant annoyances who simply spout what they've heard in church without their own interpretations of the Biblia.

church is getting better- more bearable.

Finch is amazing.. not just pretty amazing.

I need to finish my essays and not worry about it. I'm ready for everyone to start talking about what classes they're taking and saying where their from and having to wear shoes in the shower and so on.

I'm ready for the next 24 weeks to go by quickly.

Life got better post-Extended Essay.

Breaking my Fall

So as of now. I realise tv is such a waste of time- and yet I watch it anyway.. when I'm really interested in what's on because I dont' want to do work.

My parents think 10:00 is late. and it still bugs me.

The mall is a waste of time- I really don't enjoy shopping.

So far I've watched serenity, office space, house of flying daggers, and the mighty ducks
I have yet to see high fidelity, pulp fiction, resovoir dogs and fight club.. though I doubt I'll see all of those in the next four days.

I have yet to look at my EE. Yet to open a text book... though I've been getting a fair way on apps.

I laugh at myself a lot- for the same reason I say just kidding a lot.

There is such a thing as a hot asian man.

refridgerated peanut butter > non refridgerated

Triple contractions are sweet..

okay

I think If I came home less often I'd want to do it more.

I love going to other people's houses and seeing how different each smell.

Some people I know associate people with colors or objects. I think I associate them with a certain movement. It's kinda crazy.. even If i don't remmeber how someone looks all the time.. i know how they move, or I have a picture of it in my head.

I'm exercising... gasp... it's alright.. but I suck at it.

Sometimes its nice not to talk, especially in cars.

As much as I hate to admit it sometimes.. I am such a woman.

randomity and money.

sometimes... taking a two hour nap is nice... until you realise there's more to do than you thought. eff.

On another note, I am no longer wigged out... because sleeping on it helps. as does talking to Joe.

Pelican is a pretty awesome name for a band.

Money keeps draining away. seventy dollars here.. fifty dollars there... three hundred and eighty six there.... sixty five there... there... and there...and this isn't really for me directly... its for me about ten months later. i'm guessing all application fees.. ap tests.... and IB tests come to about $1,236 What sucks is you can no longer take both Physics C tests for one fee... just as you can't for the Govs and the other joint tests.

I feel like I eat money. I need to get a job.

two pairs of my three pairs of jeans ripped...hopefully my third pair don't decide to die on me- jeans are expensive.

I dont' know when I got so money conscious. I guess because I use so much of it these days. I wish I weren't.

song ofthe day: me and julio down by the schoolyard

ToK

listening to people and thinking about stuff while generally spacing out put me in a wierd mood.
I shouldn't be allowed to think. I'm happier when I don't.

an uneventful post

This weekend has been pretty damn awesome.
I had forgotten how much I enjoy science bowl.

Kaitlin is the same as ever she cooked me food and we watched Firefly.. which is pretty good. I stole Finding neverland from her and I watched that. I also got a call from Rusty that night and we talked. What an awesome kid.

Saturday I spent filling out applications/writing essays and with my mom. We had about a three hour lunch, and then we went out to dinner together too. I watched Equilibrium.. it was fairly good- but predictable. I started looking at the SAT again. what a pain.

Today was pretty awesome. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time, like Rebecca and semi. I got to swing and do other business like that- though I probably should have come home sooner. oh well. maybe I'll watch another movie tonight.

You said we'd be together forever.

Right now, I really miss people. Not necessarily just Harvard kids, which I do, but the people I'd known throughout my life.

Its so crazy to think about how many people have affected me in a positive way. I think the whole tabula rasa idea is mostly correct, we've got some stuff that's genetic, but really, personality wise, we're our own environment. and think. if we tried to raise me again, I wouldn't be the same, even if I were around all the same people, because everything would be slightly different, I wouldn't have heard the same things, people would have said things differently, or I would have seen too much or something. I wouldn't be me.

I've said this already, but getting random messages, here, IM, facebook or otherwise or phonecalls from old friends, and I guess you could say mentors... makes me so happy. I do look forward to the future, but I cling to the past because... well... its stable. And you can let all the bad things, and all the embarassing things turn into a haze and let the good times shine through.

I think I'll write Christine a letter, I'll send Kristine a package, I'll call Charlie, Rusty, and Misha and Chong and Hollen, I'll track down Stella, and Bogo, and Ildae, and Sam and Beast, I don't know. life is short, there are too little cell phone minutes. Can't I just let them alone? But I can't. because all of them have affected me in such humongous ways its ridiculous.

I'm going to hang out with kaitlin now. I haven't seen her since August.

I miss Joyce.

College is going to be great- but what happens when I start missing all the people I see everyday now- becuase there's so many more of you?

Why does everything have to come back to college?

Climbing the Stairs in a Box

There's a lot of whining in this post. Just so you know.

I don't know if I'd like it if there were a lot of people like me. I'm very unsociable, outside a certain couple of people, i dont' like to make the effort. I'm ready for change. I'm ready for something other than smoky hill. I'm ready for living in dorms.

I think I enjoy being called dumb more so than I like being called smart. Maybe because only people I like call me dumb.. whereas people I dont' really care about so much call me smart... even though some people I care about call me smart too. It's just an obnoxious thing.

I often think about what the worth (other than name value) going to a high-end higher education institution would be. I mean, its not like I can't get a good education at boulder. I don't know. Maybe if I were doing something like astrophysics or Biomedical engineering or something I could go somewhere specialized like MIT or something. but Liberal arts? I just... I don't know.. I want to go I want to explore. I want to surround myself with people who are pretentious.. and have a right to be pretentious... and then find those few who aren't- even though they have a right to be. Do I even need a high education? i don't know.

I calculated it and if you have starbuck every single day (3 bucks ish) you're spending $1080 dollars a year. what a waste of money.

in someways senior year is pretty cool. in others.. it kinda sucks.

I can't focus. Help me focus.

Have you gotten to the part in East of Eden- its not very far in- where Adam gives Alice little presents, and after Charles beats him, she says "He doens't think his father loves him. But you love him-- you always have" and then she goes on saying that Charles is the one giving her presents. I don't know why, but that scene makes me really sad.

I need a good cry, a movie, or a book. something. I think i'm going to rent Finding Neverland this weekend. I'm in the mood for something artsy and sad. I wish we had a TV that wasn't in the middle of the house. it makes it difficult to become absorbed.

I've been off since before MUN. i don't know what it is. I don't feel like myself.

"I see it around me, I see it in everything
I could be so much more than this..."

Key Leader Conference

This weekend was exactly what I needed- a place away from complaints and college and petty self-indulgence. our speaker was so full of energy, it was hard not to be yourself. I hope I can keep this level of motivation/energy for a long time. If not, oh well, but I feel refreshed.

It was one of those times I had to ask.. who can deny that there is a higher being? I had never gone up to the mountains at this time in the fall, pre-snow. so I've never seen the aspen when they're turning. against the dark of the pines.. it's amazing. I only wish curfew wasn't so enforced.. and the outdoor lighs weren't turned on.. and then I could have stargazed.

At the same time, I wonder how real this can be. How genuine is energy if you create it? how genuine is confidence if you trick yoruself into thinking you are? at what point is it not pretending anymore?

I made goals before. and I haven't stuck to them before.. but here. keep me accountable.

1. I'm going to write one story a month at least. a full fledged story, not one of my random line incoherent ones. (November is nanowrimo. maybe i'll do it.)
2. I'm going to stop taking naps so often. I realise how much time is wasted. I can have just as much energy even if it has been 19 hours of draining energy.
3. I'm going to start exersizing. running/lifting. It's ridiculous how out of shape I am.
I burned my tongue badly. now I know why my mom said never drink hot things through straws. damn hot chocolate. However, starbucks now has caramel apple cider. amazing stuff.

EE's are due on teh 31st.. w00t.

I might watch adaptation tonight.. if I can finish my chem..

Song of the day: Banana Pancakes

A little bit of Everything

as if to say, "I'm here, don't forget about me" there have always been random IMs from the Harvard kids. Surprisingly, I haven't been able to talk to Kristine as much as I'd like.

Somehow my parents and I have gotten into a talk about relationships and how kids are having sex too much. Nice to be reminded... but.. duh, I know it already. why do my parents tell me things I know already? Why can't they tell me things I don't know? Cranberry juice mixed with sprite is pretty amazing.

I was talking about it with Joe yesterday and if you had to pick one of your friends (who isn't also part of your family) to survive some sort of apocalypse with a small group of people... who would you pick? why? is that even rational?
Tortillas and bananas, you would assume is a wierd combination. Its pretty good.
It needs to get cold. like it was on wednesday. I like the cold.

No matter how crazy life gets. there should always be time for God. I went to church today. I hadn't gone last sunday, nor the sunday before that. Its rather comforting seeing Peter. He promised he'd keep me in check spiritually. Ildae, I haven't seen in forever. he's coming back to our church now. fricken sweet. I had forgotten how powerful music is and how much a place can change in the course of two weeks.

Ildae tells me that Neil Gaiman was here at the tattered cover promoting Anansi Boys... aadgfffffggfgjkkkk I missed it. boo. what a writer. I keep calling it Anasazi boys. I wonder why.

I think that's enough for random thought.

Song of the weekend: The Boxer, Simon and Garfunkle

Go Away

I haven't wanted to pull my head under my covers, curl up in my fetal position and say just that in a long time. Needless to say I forgot to knock on wood when I said things are going great.

I lost it somewhere between calc and chemistry. which hopefully means its in Kaile's car.
I dont' even know if my opinion matters anymore... I dont' know if it ever has.

I revert back to two year old mode more than usual when I'm upset. I should have used today better. Too bad it's too cold and wet outside to go swinging and sidewalk chalk drawing.

I want to go back to yesterday. please.

Airplane would have been funnier if I wasn't so distracted.

funny

Funny how little things keep adding up
Funny how guilt can pull me down
Funny how lives keep truckin, even if yours has stopped
Funny how people so diferent can get along so well
Funny how drinking is associated wth a good time
Funny how fast clutter can creep up on you
Funny.. huh.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

Star Wars.
I have to say, the plot is pretty good. but I don't know if its been hyped too much. Because when things have been hyped too much, I start looking for all things that are wrong with it. I dunno. Sitting back and thinking about it makes me realise that it is a pretty awesome trilogy... though I have yet to see Return of the Jedi. and I am really curious to see why Anakin does what he does. I think it ruined 4, 5, and 6, knowing that he has good reason to become Vader.

Even if I had watched it as a kid, I think I would have appreciated it less.

The ships remind me of Legos. Legos are awesome.

I'm reasonably excited for Return of the Jedi tomorrow. maybe it'll be everything I dreamed of in a story.

A Thought

"[the artist] had remembered that all men, the healthy ones included, eventually die, and usually with a certain amount of bad grace, but that he, lucky man, is at least being done in by the most stimulating companion, disease or no, he has ever known."

"You wrote down that you were a writer by profession. It sounded to me like the loveliest euphemism I had ever heard. When was writing ever your profession? It's never been anything but your religion. Never... since it is your religion, do you know what you will be asked when you die?... I'm so sure you'll get asked only two questions. Were most of your stars out? were you busy writing your heart out?"

-Seymour, an Introduction

I heart salinger.

it's all happening

This past week has been pretty awesome I must say. I think it's the most i've participated in spirit week. I predict a lot of people are going to keep repeating that it's the last time doing whatever. kinda like "it's our last spirit week.. it's our last homeooming" but you know what? so what? even if its not the last live it up.
Last night was fun. I guess this means I dont' really have anything to look forward to until fall break now.

for pictures:click here

I would have uploaded more.. but I'm at my monthly limit or something.

Things I (re?)learned yesterday:
1. not wearing bras makes you really self conscious
2. women over 25 should not wear skirts more than three inches above the knee (cough walker cough)
3. watching people dance is funny. I bet i'm funny to watch too.
4. slurpees are cheap.
5. pizza breath is worse than chinese food breath.

I watched almost famous last night/today. I had almost forgotten how much I enjoyed that movie.

"I just wanna go home!

"You are home."

Edit: You know how I said there was some shooting infront of the H-mart on friday? It was Phillip and Ben's (who are cousins) other cousin. I met him once.
I've never been close to deathi i'm still not. the people in my family who've died I wasn't close to.
I'm not supposed to know people who die in stupid cases like this- I'm not supposed to have met them. I'm not supposed to know things like how they have just enough time to kick off their pants before they take a nap. I can't even imagine how his family or his friends are taking it.

Words Words Words

I've decided the internet is a waste of my time that I can't get rid of. Instead of checking blogs and email five million times a day, i'm going to read a chapter of a book everytime I want to procrastinate the homework a little.

Life's been pretty good. It's handed me a lot of stuff on silver platters. I'm not allowed to be angsty and teenagery. I have all that I could want. I was looking around in tok today (it was virtually everyone in IB) and I realised I know a lot of people. some obviously have influenced me more than others, but I wonder how many of them I've influenced? What qualities do I have that make me different? I'm smart.. so are they.. I'm wierd.. so are they...I'm often moody... so are they... My passions are those of other kids. What makes us so different? I dont' know. Maybe this just tells us that the big things don't matter; the small things do.

My parents don't really like being social- they think its a chore... I don't understand that. Other than writing, its the only thing keeping me sane.

This is a list of books I either want to read or i need to finish. Tell me if there's something i should read.

1. SLaughterhouse FIve
2. Fight CLub
3. Caramelo
4. The Brothers Karmozov
5. Bluebeard
6. Running with Scissors
7. through the looking glass
8. Candide
9. The Jungle
10. Frankenstein
11. Bright Lights Big City
12. raise high the roofbeams, Carpenters and Seymour an introduction
13. Anna Karenina
14. Phantom Tollbooth

De-staple

today I took down the majority of my room. I used to have magazine articles about movies, bands and randomity, Movie stubs, concert stubs, quotes I liked, birthday cards, on my walls, plus numerous things hanging from my ceiling. I left those- took down my walls. I realised.. i didn't like or care about half the things that were up anymore.. I wondered how I stapled some of those things.. maybe I shrunk.

Around this time last year my sister moved her empty bookcase into my room.
Aroudn this time this year, I started piling books up on my floor because I don't have any more space.

Yesterday was fun. We're definitely going to do that again.

English class is definitely the highlight of my every two days. It is amazing, I'm glad I had problems with Lane this summer because I got an awesome teacher out of it. I'm excited to actually learn something this year- WIlls is an awesome person.. we just had a lot of dumb kids.

Janet leaves tuesday. The house is going to get reaaaallly quiet after that. I have no one to late-night converse with.

I think we go through several major changes in our lives; puberty, Graduating high school, Graduating College, Marriage, post marriage, there's always losing jobs and crises and maybe divorce- but a lot happens in the first thirty years of our lives. I decided I'm not running through them blind. I dont' want to look forward to imaginary things. I want to look around at the present and find myself mostly content.

I'm not the wierd kid who gets overlooked anymore.

T3h Cockulus

How I hate thee cockulus.
you maketh me want to hurl
with thy vectors and thy crap
why do I do thee
when I am not obligated
Thou art the bane of my sleep
Can I not simply listen
to the czech tones
of tri sestry and
falleth asleep to this
divine sound?
Wherefore Cockulus? Wherefore?


That was an award winning poem. I should submit it to something.

All that 'emo' biznass

I'm a lot more emotional than I like to be. I tell myself I'm not supposed to cry... but I feel like it anyway. I love crying. who said crying doesn't help. The only thing I dont' like is when people pity me or get concerned when I cry. can't I just plop myself down and start wailing for no good reason? Some would say I could... but I can't.. because then people assume something's wrong. maybe there is something wrong.

I was going to do this every half year.. but it's been two months past the half year mark- here goes anyway:

Little things that bring me joy:
1. A finished story
2. orange juice
3. Swings
4. my interpretation of interpretive dancing
5. looking at stars
6. orienting myself to mountains
7. funny noises
8. reading in a (dry) bathtub
9. peaches
10. lying on stomachs
11. holding hands
12. Hugs
13. smell of warm copies
14. inside jokes
15. spinning barefoot on grass
16. midnight
17. funny antics

My sister Janet told me i'm a hopeless romantic... I never thought so before.. maybe.

effing spam comments

So right now.. I have a humongous urge to listen to Killing Me Softly... the Fugees version.. and I have the cd.. but it's super dee duper scratched.. (as the aftermath of a rockin party my sister had) good thing I have no qualms against DL.

I guess its just another way I can waste time. I seem to never start work before eight.. and I think that's why I dont' ever get sleep.

I dont' know what I'm going to do when Janet goes back to college.. I won't have anyone to bug when I want to stop working.

People in Colorado need to start enjoying dancing. I'm sick of going to dances and feeling stupid being hte only one dancing in a group of kids who just stand there all dressed up.. what's the point of big skirts if you can't twirl?

Songs for a girly mixed tape I should make at some time:
1. The Only Living Boy in New York- Simon and Garf.
2. Incomplete- Backstreet Boys
3. Like a Prayer- Madonna
4. Killing Me Softly- The Fugees
5. Freshmen- Mustard Plug
6. Don't Speak- No Doubt
7. Let Go- Frou Frou
8. Climbing the Walls- Backstreet Boys
9. Lose Control- Missy Elliot
10. All My Life -KCi and Jo Jo
11. Can you feel the Love Tonight- Elton John
12. Breakdown- Jack Johnson
13. Since You've Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson

There's probably more I'm not thinking of.. but.. for now.

Extended Essays suck

Basically I'm awesome at procrastinating and getting everything done at the same time. Its been an interesting weekend. Policies on boys are tricky. I really wish I knew what my cell phone plan was so I could not have to pay for unheard of minutes. I switched topics. I need to finish other homework. I want new music. I need a vacation. I don't know what this business is about. Home? where's that? Where the hell is God in my life? that's my fault. I talked to Kevin for the first time in years. Old friends... and strangers. its wierd. I love swings. they're panaceas. I don't know why i'm writing this. I don't know if I like my classes this year. Not enough engrish. too much science and math. I have good teachers for the most part though. School's been goign on forever. Kristine's birfday is coming up. I want to go up to red rocks and look at stars. forever.

I dont' know man, I don't know.

Weeks

I've been at school for three days. I feel like I've been here forever. Its funny to think i've only been home for less than a week. It's funny not to be insync with Kristine- and instead we have separate lives that don't coincide at all. Its funny how long and short a week can be all at the same time.

It's too long to be gone. Its too short to finish my EE. I don't even know. I say that A lot. I don't know. I'm confused. hopefully i'll be unconfused at some point.

This year's going to be interesting. I don't remember my reasons for not wanting to apply to harvard.

and that reminds me, why the hell are kids in my grade so on top of things? you're already filling out applications? what? I don't even know where I want to go. take a breather.. sheesh.

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up..."

Summer.
Its interesting to hear everyone's different views on what that word means. A vacation, A lifetime, An experience, A simple passage of time.

For me, I guess it was like any other time of the year. A little more sun, a little more change, A little more relaxation... but overall... another piece of my life that's gone by.

I'll start off saying I missed everyone here in Aurora. I feel like the kids I talked to.. even if just through blog comments, i'll keep in touch with through college and if we talked on the phone (which i still hate) then even better. I hope you thought of me as much as I thought of you.

The summer started off interestingly with my first alcohol party at Jizraeliv's graduation party; its the first time I've seen that many drunk people (though I didn't participate) and moved on to europe. and experience in itself.

Europe was.. interesting, with crazy drugged chaperones, to the beads that define my wardrobe and my personality, to the watch that does the same. I have to say up til now.. I've never worn a watch. I came back with a craving for crepes, and an interest in learning how to say 'I love you' in as many languages possible... right now I'm to 11.

Harvard. Straus House. Dance Parties. Matresses in one room. Middle School Truth or Dare. Don't touch the toe.. don't touch the toe. Sardines in the stacks. late night science center runs. Annenberg. Noir. Fiction. Complaining about no Chipotle. New York. Getting chipotle. meeting straus B. Tee shirts. The Healthies. condom balloons. Dressing up. Brown. Yale. curfewless. crayons. Love Shack. The Garage. Backstreet Boys. Au Bon Pain. Rocky Horror.
in a couple word sentences that was my experience.

I've come back thinking that everything would still be the same. so many people are gone. more than other people changing, I've changed. I can't go back. I dont' want to go back. I don't know where my home is anymore.

"And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

i think he got it right.

I don't know if i'm ready for school.. i guess its coming whether I want it to or not. It saddens me to know i wont' be seeing most of those kids I've lived with ever again.

To Those who've changed my life (for the better) this summer- whether actively or passively through phone calls, pensive moments and memories- Kristine, Misha, Kaile Joe, Lauren, Molly, Conor, Alex, Andy, Charlie, Neehar, Max, Rusty, Raye, Shonna, Lauren, Helen, Hannah, Heita, Hollen, Sebas, Abbey, Tiffany, Caitlyn, Joe, Vick, Dan, Ellie, Long, Vince, Tal.
We've spread across the US, maybe even the world.. some of you haven't moved at all...Lord how I'll miss you- I can only hold onto what we had in the past and remember that it's the past.

I dont' know about the best summer of my life, but it's a unique one. and that's all that matters.

Old rivalries

today. I had the experience of watching old men dance like they're 20 again. They are pretty good at it.

I only regret i didn't see the original Backstreet tour. I've been to millenium (with Jana) Black and Blue (with Kaitlin) and now Never Gone (with Andy, Hannah, Reefer, and chelsea)

I have to say nick carter looks worse... but sounds better.
AJ is balding... but he still has skills in the vocals.
They had a screen where you could "send texts to the Backstreet boys!" and one of the said "I love Brain!" we took a picture.

I was surprised that I remembered as many lyrics as I did. maybe they never go away.

Concerts are better in rain.

This almost makes up for Finch cancelling.

Backstreet boys are SOOOO much better than Nsync.

Following the trends

So many people have been posting about school.

I dont' know what to think about going back to school in 13 days. Technically, I'm at school right now, but its so different. Yes there were annoying high school kids in my classes. yes They dragged us down. but we were treated like we knew something. I hate it when teachers talk down at us. It's also going to be wierd being the oldest ones. to hell with that.

It'll be wierd staying around 8 hours in school, when otherwise I would come back to the room and nap for long ungodly hours. Alone in a house with my parents. no running up to the orgy room, Around to B, or just starting up conversations with Kristine- distracting us both from doing work. Not having housemates is going to be super wierd. I'm used to being a second away from social stimulation. home's going to be wierd with parental rules, curfews, and worries about when I go to sleep at night.

I have not started Hamlet, my extended essay or my history IA. Neither have I practiced my horn as much as I should have, studied bio, nor done work for Key Club.

an actual summer recap post will happen by the sunday before high school starts. A lot can happen in a week and a half. A hell of a lot can happen.

Music Video Sluts

I get to be in the Healthies music video! sexy fine! they have an ill first single, Urinal Cake (one hit wonder? no way!)

I'm their number one groupie.

Go to http://www.purevolume.com/thehealthies to see some mad rhyming skills... A sick music video is coming up soon...

November 22, 2003 all over again.

so this band... This band that I actually pay money to buy cds for. This band that I never get sick of. This band that can fit any mood I can be in... was going to come to Boston for a free show. Too good to be true right? I was psyched... it was going to be my reward for finishing my story by... today.
effing canceled.
Its a wednesday night when they go to the Ogden. Eff. I'm missing Finch again.

Needs Me Some

I find it very disconcerting that I can't write on a deadline... rather I probably can, but I can't write good fiction on a deadline. it really rather sucks for my nerves.. because I know I have to write it now for me to make it good by thursday, but I waste time waiting for inspiration. I hate the half assed stories.
It makes me really sad to hear people say that they don't read anymore. As a person who wants to write... where will i get my audience if it doesn't come down to TV or Movies? I dont' even know if i'd enjoy writing screen plays. There's something about my stories that seems all the same to me. I guess its because I'm the writer and I put out part of my soul, but am I that one dimensional?

This is all rhetorical, depressive, and whiny.

So, let go,let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Drastic Changes

I think this speaks for itself.

wow

That's the only word I have right now. I saw "The Syringa Tree" its a one woman show- playing 26 characters. I went in thinking it's be a good story- maybe a good waste of my time. You don't think that one woman, in the same simple pink dress for all parts, with a swing, and maybe a little bit of lighting change would be able to entertain for an hour and a half. It was moving.
Kristine (My roommate) and I are in shock right now. It's amazing, script wise and acting-wise. How a simple script can do that to the heart. It's amazing- this is why I don't lose faith in the arts because it seems like the most tangible thing most of the time. The writer (Pamela Gein) is also the actress, but she was sick, or there was an accident or something, so it was another woman (Gin Hammond), but I have to wonder how much better it would be if it was that close to her heart. and there isn't much room for improvement.

I love how at anytime of day I can hear music from the streets (right now its pan pipes) becuase my windows open into Harvard Square.

Maybe...

It's interesting being around people you know you dont' necessarily have to see after the next eight weeks. Some of my friends haven't slept in quite a long time. I ont he other hand, sleep all too much. Today, I went to class... and then I slept until around 3:30. It was quite productive. Starting now, I'm going to start cracking down on school work for next year. I don't understand how summer is going by so fast. It's been awesome, but it would be so much better if I had more time to spend at home on swings, in parks, in movie theatres and at tea. Being away from my parents and my friends makes me appreciate you all so much more.

I'm contemplating a haircut. A really short one.

slow motion

you know that scene in Garden State when Braff takes the X and everyone is on fastforward around him? That's how I feel right now. Everyone is rushing around trying to study for midterms, and trying to have fun at the same time.. and I'm mellowing it out.
It's funny how fast five weeks have gone.
I miss the lot of you.
anyone up for a road trip up to boston?

Shadows

(a note: This was written for a class I'm taking this summer. It is dedicated to Joe, for reasons that are clear to us)
[On which I earned a B+]


Robert Larsen was well known in the community for his shotgun and his wooden chair on the front porch. Sometime ago he had made it very clear that his land on the lip of town was just that: his.
***
“Do you know who George Nadies is, kid?” The ash and smoke from the campfire rising to the sky set the mood, as trees sculpted the images of bears and ghosts in the flickering dark long after the adults had gone to bed.
The snot-nosed brats shook their heads stupidly, awed that an older boy would talk to them.
The bravest asked, “Who is he then?”
“George Nadies was a kid just like you, just like me. After dinner one night, he took a dare, a double dog dare- so he wouldn’t be called a sissy- to walk into Ol’ Robert Larsen’s house. He went as far as the porch, when a hand came out of the door and pulled him inside. His friends could hear him squealing. It sounded just like the scream rabbits give just before they die. They say Old Man Rob has George’s skeleton in a trunk at the foot of his bed.”
The brats stared, cow-eyed.
“That’s right. Don’t go near there. He’ll eat the meat off your bones.” He bared his teeth grotesquely. “Raw.”
The particular glow of the embers against his face held all the persuasion needed.
***
The first Saturday of every month, Marshall’s Grocers stayed closed until ten instead of its usual eight o’clock. Rob Larsen would clunk into a parking space, rap on the glass and Frank Marshall would open the door and let him buy his rations for the month. The store always was the most crowded those afternoons. Frank Marshall had no problem keeping his mouth shut about Rob as the people gathered to speculate about his eccentricities.
“I can’t believe that man eats at all.”
“Do you think he cooks?”
“Where does he get the money to spend? Its not like he’s worked a lick in the past twenty years.”
“Probably has some savings shoved into his mattress.”
“Maybe- personally I’ve never seen him inside his house at all. It’s always dark.”
“I’ve seen him out on the porch after it was dark. He was just staring off like he was waiting for something to happen.”
“Sometimes he’s not there at all.”
“What a queer old man.”
Frank Marshall shelved beans listening to the chatter. An iron fist gripped at his chest as he realized no one else remembered a time when Robert hadn’t been a recluse in his own town. He remembered long summers between school days terrorizing the town with Robert and long nights on his front porch enjoying the fireflies, good conversation and cold beer, while their wives occupied the house. It had been a good several decades of camaraderie; a respect still remained, but the friendship had disintegrated at Rob’s will all those years ago.
***
Robert felt the door catch and he locked it. He walked toward the sun which hadn’t quite come over the hill yet. The path had disappeared into the grassy weeds, but it didn’t matter; he knew the way. The weight of the gun was comforting under his arm.
The sun was still low in the sky, but morning always was the brightest time of day. Periodically, he would look up from the path to the smudge of a grove against the horizon. It was almost as if he were being tugged in that direction by invisible strings. Still he trudged on methodically.
The silence was suddenly broken by the sound of hissing geese as a pond neared. Noting the disturbance, Robert closed his eyes and breathed deeply; the air smelled of hay from the drying grass. His shadow was cast long behind him and his pace slowed. Just past the pond he stopped at a smooth flat rock at the edge of an orchard. The same tall grass and yellow weeds that had grown into the path covered it. He sat on the rock with unfocused eyes as he often did, sitting in the ladder-backed chair on his porch. His shadow curled inward until it was unnoticeable beneath him. With an agility that belied his true age, Robert stood and stretched toward the too blue sky. Crouching once more, Robert used his hands to tear away the weeds and the grass from the rock. When the offending plants had been tossed away, a name, sans epitaph, that had been etched deeply into the unnaturally smooth rock became visible. He smoothed his hand over the name and settled down beside it. Robert Larsen dozed, his gnarled hand still caressing the rock.
***
At sunset, Robert stopped at the pond, eating one of the apples he had filched from the orchard and looked out over the vast flatness of the land, only disturbed by the grove and the occasional hill from the way he had come. The wind flattened the grass in ripples and the geese bobbed their heads as they clipped at the vast expanse. Out of his pocket came a chunk of crusty bread. Piece by piece it made its way into the stomachs of the greedier geese.
***
So many years ago, he had been doing the exact same thing: feeding the geese. And as most sixteen-year-old boys did, he thought about throwing rocks at them. Just as his fist rose to deliver the first blow, a girl belted out of the orchard, her skirts pulled up around her knees. He waited for someone, anyone, to follow her out, but no one came. As she came closer to the geese, he realized she wasn’t being chased, she was dancing in whirls and skips, cackling to herself. The sun had dipped low enough that Bobby had to strain to see her face.
Who was this girl that could swing her arms wide and swallow the world without pain? She landed herself next to him, stomach down, head on a fist, though it did nothing to keep the tall grass from tickling her face.
A few moments later, she acknowledged him. “You know, I really should have looked before I lied down; geese do their thing everywhere.”
Bobby was speechless. She had mentioned exactly what he had been thinking and had dabbled her toes into a crass subject. The girls from town would have shied away completely- rather, they wouldn’t even be out here at the pond.
“Quiet one aren’t ya? Are you from the town?”
“Yeah. You live there?”
“Mmm-hmm. Apples all year round for me. Between you and me, in the next year, I’m going to leave a heart breaking note for my parents and run off to a city, a big one.”
She looked up at him and laughed at his raised eyebrow. “I’m just joking you know. It’s not like I really would. I love this place too much. Apple?” She pulled the fruit from some place underneath her skirt. “I sewed a pocket, so I won’t go hungry. Momma says I eat too much. Why is it that girls are expected to keep figures while boys are told to get fat and merry? I bet your momma tells you to eat as much as you can.”
“I live with my grandmother.”
“Oh. Same thing though.” She paused awkwardly. “I’m sorry if…”
“Don’t mention it.” Just as he looked down, she smiled and stood up. Raising her arms, she looked down and watched her own shadow copy her antics. She curled into a ball and watched as it did the same. The girl leaped. Her shadow leaped. She giggled. Bobby wondered how a girl her age could be amused with such a simple thing as a shadow.
“What’s your name?” she asked him suddenly. She had stopped.
“Bobby.”
“Shadows have a sad existence, don’t you think Bobby? They’re followers and copiers, and shouldn’t there be at least one that wants out?”
“Shadows don’t have thoughts,” he answered.
“That’s a cock and bull answer, no offense meant. I think there comes a time in everyone’s life when they need to let their shadows go and do whatever shadows need to do.”
“What do they need to do?”
“I like to think the ones in the trees and the eerie darknesses are the ones that are let free and left to their own devices.”
He didn’t follow, but he nodded his head anyway.
***
Robert grimaced at that bold memory that had surfaced for air for the first time in a long time. He remembered that in the weeks that followed their first acquaintance, he had made whatever time he could to return to the pond in hopes to meet her again. After learning her name, though he did not dare scribble it in his books, he whispered it under his breath at school and while working at Marshall’s Grocers. He didn’t mind the teasing he received, especially from Frank Marshall, for running off all the time; sometimes she would come into the store with her mother and they would pretend not to know each other, though the twinkles in their eyes said otherwise to those who searched for it.
It had been twenty years since she had fluttered away to the sound of rushing wings. He had exhausted the greed the world had allowed him through her beauty. Even while the bloody handkerchiefs were secretly washed and she denied, to his face, the importance of the rattle in her chest, she made him beautiful. There was nothing gorgeous about him now. It had passed in her fever-flushed cheeks as he clutched her frail hand and sobbed apologies, knowing it was too late as the last, weak, bloody cough heaved her thin shoulders. She had been his cornerstone for so long, he didn’t want to believe she was crumbling; she didn’t let him believe until the end. He raised the gun in the falling dusk to shoot the geese that had taken to the sky.
Behind him, he heard a child shrieking her laughter. He put the gun down and turned to see his company. Her large bounds barely cleared the darker grass. The chub on her face was still visible in the fading light. Behind her a couple walked more slowly, though always keeping their girl in sight. For a split second during her strides, her feet detached from the dark shadow bounding behind her. Much to her dismay, at the sight of him, her parents called her close. A wry smile crossed his face.

He did have a way of burning bridges. Sitting in front of the empty fire grate as his cold, blistered hands tingled, still red from the hours of digging, Robert made a decision. He decided to fall back into the woodwork; a legend of the man who did nothing but love a ghost of a woman. He never was comfortable letting others see him cry. He threatened those close enough to try to comfort him, and the others saw this and backed off on their own. Old Mister Marshall was the last to hold out. Frank tried to talk his old man out of going up to Robert’s house on the edge of town every single day to no avail.
“Bobby please, just come up to the house. Ella said she’d cook you something hot.”
“I don’t need her to Mr. Marshall. Don’t bother Frank’s wife.”
“She wants to cook you dinner; she said so herself. You didn’t come up last Saturday, you kids always came up on Saturday evenings.”
“Always becomes sometimes, and sometimes becomes never.” Robert said.
“It doesn’t have to be that way. I know. When Violet died…”
“It isn’t the same. Leave.” He banged the screen door shut walking somewhere deep into the house.
“Bobby. You think that I didn’t hurt when she died? It’s easier when you’re with friends. Come up for dinner tonight. Bobby!” he called into the house.
“Get off my yard.” Bobby had come back to the door with his old shot gun.
“No need to get feisty son.”
“Get off of my property, old man. I don’t want you here.” He aimed the gun at Mr. Marshall’s feet.
“Okay, Okay. I’m leaving, son. Calm down.”
After that day, Robert wouldn’t let him past the fence, so old Mr. Marshall tried from beyond the yard; at that point, he faked ignorance.

The couple crowded their daughter back toward the town much to her complaints, but within seconds, she was once again mesmerized by the large sky that hugged the land and the silhouette beneath her feet. She was running- bounding away, and he stared, watching for those brief moments when the small girl pulled herself from the dark that threatened around her. In a few scant minutes, the threesome had disappeared. He turned once more to the ducks. Raising the gun, he aimed, finger to the trigger.

Robert went to set his shadow free.

The dorm life

Its nice to have the ability to run up the stairs barge in on 'the party room' and yell "I'm Done" and have a celebration after holing yourself in a room for a weekend stressing over writing a story. When I finish polishing it (its due tomorrow) I'll post it for you to read or not read.
The Party room, has been designated such because that's where everyone hangs out when they don't have any homework left.. except it sucks for the guys (max, sebas, jj) who live there. we probably would use the common room.. but no. becuase Straus' is the nicest, they use it for other functions.. boo.
Funny where inspiration hits. I've been moaning over this thing for about a week- and nothing- and then two nights ago I was talking about shooting ducks and wham. story idea.
I love our entryway. our proctor (RA) Matt is rediculously awesome,



these are some of the kids I live with from left (the half a face) and around: Jen, long, raye, rusty, (chong's forehead)jj, misha, christine, Hollen, tal, me, sebas(tian) and shonna.



a picture of me if you feel a need for my psychosis (Christine's in the background)

both of these were on the fourth at supposedly the best firework display ever.

I love how all I do is moon over story plots and read detective Noir novels while everyone else complains about the four hundred pages of reading in their art history book.

Leave a comment, they make me homesick

Delirium and Dream are always welcome.

Good fiction. It gives you that feeling of awe inside. Yesterday, I was reading "edie in winter" (kaile esp. should pick it up and read it, its by Nancy Reisman in Housefires), a requirment for my class.. and I feel as though I'm addicted to the feeling good fiction brings. its such a cocktail of poison and life. How inadaquacies talk to you, how any idea for any story now seems so juvenile and reminds you of everything else you've written. I have a story due by next thursday. I dont' know what to do. Sometimes I feel like if everyone kept reading, there'd always be something that will touch you, and keep touching you (in a completely non perverse way) and as many times as you read it, its there. a good movie does the same, but from books, its your own imagery, your own mind creating the picture projected onthe screen.
I hope one day I'll have that effect on someone.
Tengo un amigo que es de Equador, quisas el puede borrar mi accento, y podre` hablar mejor que ahora

"Unripe mind apples tumble screaming through the sky, and the stars gasp in brief flashes of pain and time" -Gaiman.

douchebags and losers

really kids, when I look at blogs these days they're either too generic and "philosophical" the people who managed to be interesting and personal at the same time have mostly quit writing on blogs saying.. its not personal enough, and the last group (of which I place this page) is full of nothing-crap that people don't Really want to hear, but its posted anyway for boredom's sake.
I think people have forgotten what makes good writing good. and what makes great writing great. How does it work? well.. usually great writing, whether in a screenplay , novel, comic book, blog, ectetera, makes me stop, and go back and relive it however many times before it become eminent that I have to move on and destroy the moment in time. If it makes you think for more than five minutes... if it causes epiphanies, or self actualization- all the better it is.
Stupid thing with blogs is.. the more personal the entries are... the harder they are to post, wheras in a short story or a novel you can rename your problems and push it onto a figment of your imagination that jumped high enoughto be picked. The most Pseronal... are never published.