A guide to my inner being

So this list of random media won't tell you why I believe in god, or why I like the things that I like, or why I'm friends with the people who are my friends. I thought about this after giving Alex a list of books to read, and then realising that all of these are important to my essence in some way.

All of these things can be either found online or bought in a store, I'm not listing people, or non-media commodity here.

there is no order other than the randomity in my head

1. End of World- flash animation
2. Franny and Zooey
3. Raise High the Roofbeam Carpenters and Seymour an Introduction
54. Nine stories (All except DeDaumier Smith's Blue Period)
5. The Sandman (Especially Brief Lives)
6. Neverwhere
7. Interpreter of Maladies
8. Almost Famous
9. Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind
10. The Big Sleep
11. The Big Sleep (movie)
12. Breakfast at Tiffanies (Movie)
13. Harold and the Purple Crayon
14. The BFG
15. Boy
16. Five Iron Frenzy (Specific Songs: On Distant Shores, Every New Day, You Can't Handle This, It was Beautiful, See the Flames Begin to Crawl)
17. Jimmy Eat World (Specific Songs: Hear You Me, If you Don't Don't, 23, Your Sundown, Just Watch the Fireworks)
18. GLory Box, Portishead
19. Pink Moon (Album)
20. Last Goodbye, Jeff Buckley
21. Autumn Into Summer, Pelican
22. Pride and Prejudice
23. Hamlet
24. Zoolander
25. House on Mango Street
26. the Bell Jar
27. Teen Girl Squad
28. "Feel Great" Nutrigrain commercial
29. Old Greg
30. "Carrion Comfort", Gerard Manly Hopkins
31. Gilmore Girls, seasons 1-3, maybe 4 and 5
32. Superman the Animated Series
33. Batman the Animated Series
34. Justice League and JL Unlimited
35. Slavik and Karina 2005 WSS Jive and Rumba
36. Joanna and Michael 2005 WSS Cha Cha
37. Beauty and the Beast
38. Tortilla Flat
39. Waiting for Godot
40. Finch (Specific Songs: Three Simple Words, Perfection Through Silence, What is it to Burn, Reduced to Teeth)
41. Dirty Life, Ima Robot
42. Everything Goes Numb (Album)
43. Simon and Garfunkel (Specific Songs: The Boxer, Me and Julio, Cecelia, America, Old Friends)
44. Everything with be okay
45. piano man, Billy Joel
46. Fallen Art
47. Rejected
48. CCR (Specific Songs: Who Will Stop the Rain, Looking out my Backdoor, Lodi, Green River, sweet hitchhiker)
49. Edie in Winter
50. 10 things I hate about you
51. Blow Job Girl (you tube)
52. Rent (original soundtrack)
53. She's the Man
54. Ella Fitzgerald (specific Songs: Lover come back to me, Cheek to Cheek)

I'm probably forgetting something, but it's late. and this is good enough... i can't tell all of my secrets

I'm supposed to start my outline 3 hour ago

So.. I'm only six pages into "el Libro de Alexandre" which i don't know quite yet if it's going to fit with the rest.

I don't know if the rest even fits together in itself.

Last paper
last paper
last paper... and er... go to 4:04 of this clip



yep.

do it to it... and don't fall asleep

and it's 9:15 am and I have less than 15 hours to write a 7-10 page paper and I'm still procrastinating. Why does this happen to me? I need to focussss

I blog more to procrastinate

I need to learn to do spoken word.



shoot.

our frail deeds-- the last will wave good-bye.

I observed my last high school class today.

Things that I Need to Do by tomorrow:
1. Post colonial outline/send it to premnath
2. Read/Know what I am writing about for spanish.. possible presentation of ideas tomorrow

Basically that means reading about 200 pages of reading that I havent done yet... or i haven't done WELL yet. I'm scared.. and I'm too tired to concentrate on what is going on.

This week is hell.. and I'm just looking forward to Thursday 5pm when I'm done with all classes for this semester....

well ... then I have to finish all the ballroom work that I never finished (points budget and proposal and practice space for summer.. and fall.. and budgets.. and..)

and finalise my spanish paper with Marta.

more than ever.. focus and breathe.. focus and breathe.

I have a lot of Irises standing next to me from three different sources. I like the ones i got second best. I think this is the first time I've gotten flowers from a boy. :)

"to not touch your skin is not why i sing"

How is it that best friends can capture exactly how you're feeling at a moment? How is it that even though we haven't talked much this past month, we can still be in a similar state of being?

If you haven't read this post (by Rabah) here: It's beautiful... and nostalgic... and sad... and poignant.

My pastor told us on Sunday that he was leaving as of June 1. I don't know what to make of that. Funny how on Friday, Dianna (or was it Donovan?)asked me how I chose my church when I got here. I told them it was all (mostly) about the pastor. And now he's leaving. I don't think I will make a conscious decision to leave with him, but who knows what will come in the future? If I can't grow... then I can't stay... as selfish as that sounds.

I have three papers (two in English, 1 in spanish) due in the next week- wednesday, thursday and monday (12th). I know i need to be working on them, but I keep falling asleep on my couch. I know i should be focused on them but, in the words of Norah Jones, "I've got to see you again"

j-j-j-j-joy

I'm a little early, but, that's okay. I think its time:

The previous list is found here, and if you go far enough back, you can find the first one I ever made in my junior year of high school.

(little) Things that bring me joy:
1. Days when my toe doesn't hurt
2. gchat with Rabah
3. contemplating rhinestones
4. good conversations
5. better hugs
6. dancing
7. sleep
8. weeks when nothing is due
9. chocolate graham crackers
10. daydreams
11. listening to the noise of Blakes closing at 2am
12. falling asleep talking
13. buying books

identity

So, I'm taking a post-colonial literature class this semester. And basically that boils down to the literature being all about identity. And the further I study identity, and how it's created in these novels in a believable way. The more nebulous it becomes. It's something that doesn't exist. There are just faces that you can put on for people and identity arises from the particular faces that arise more than others. In this way, we're all allowed to be a big bundle of contradictions because that's how we're created. Morals, intuitions, desires, all fighting each other, it's just what comes out first.

On that note, I've been thinking a lot. about nothing mostly, but on how I'm ready for more time to myself, more time with my friends... maybe even just more time making friends. I feel like I've forgotten how in some ways.

Alex keeps asking me what I want. and to be honest, I don't know. I'm really glad it didn't take much convincing to get Yakov to change the training stuff for the banquet. I'm excited.

I think I'm dying.

Summer will be: Work, Open Routines, Friends, Practice, Movies, Cooking, Grass, and so forth... how long has it been since one of my joy lists? I'll have to check.

Seasons of Love for sure.

Hello Friends, Lovers and B-Boys

I thought i'd start out with this: and say that well.. I want to be a B-girl.. but since that's a nigh impossible dream... I'll just watch the you tube videos.

There's a lot of work that I have to do. a lot. a lot. a lot. I'm just lazy and I don't want to do it. It's like .... i don't know there's something that's inhibiting me from doing it.

I'm moving into my living room. Rubal and I are splitting up... not really.. but sort of. I'm taking over the living room, and she gets the bedroom. I'm paying less rent, and so forth for being the walk through room, the smaller room, the smell absorbing room... I think it's for the best.

I just need a week of non-time. can I have that? can I please?

I had a good time last night, watching disney movies, hanging out with a strange group of people. getting to know them. I like making new friends, when you can't go wrong, and you don't know the dirty deep secrets about them that make them slightly less attractive (but at that point in time, it doesn't matter because the good stuff has already been magnified)

I feel like I'm losing my anchors. where did you go? where did you go? where did you go?

pete and repeat.

I'm listening to Ska P

I don't know why i wrote that title. Good night

20 -2hours

Blearggghhh is what my system is saying to me most days now.

I don't want to go to work,
I don't want to practice
and I most definitely don't want to study.

Today I had a private lesson with Roberta... who is all things magic, made our promenades look worlds better and helped me with my arm thing. the limp arm thing. the thing I've been trying to fix since August. and suddenly it makes sense from a very nonsensical- you roll your shoulders back and this creates a sense of pressure between your hands and your partner. er.. did that make any sense to anyone? I doubt it.

I need to cut some sort of extra curricular out. I don't know what. Ballroom I guess makes the most sense to cut out (its the least beneficial outside of college) but.. it's also the most enjoyable and that's kind of out of the question at this point.

I need to work on finishing my ideas/thoughts instead of getting distracted by digressions. I know I've said that before.

happy birthday to me.

Welcome Back to B(allroom)erkeley

As soon as I got back, I was whisked off to the SF Open where i proceeded to watch professionals Eugene Katsevman and Maria Manusova work it.

Got my 3rd birthday present (SUPADANCE SHOES!!!!!!!). 1, they're way more stable than my old Very Fine pair, 2. They're pretty, 3. They're also half an inch lower.. (now 2.5" instead of 3") which in addition to the more stable bit makes the dancing easier on my feet. 4. ...did i mention they were pretty? but they're really dark.. i may have to tan to match the color.. which er.. yeah... should probably get some pro-tan too.

Had an hour and half "welcome back to Yakov" meeting.

Went back to practice... need to get back into the habit of practicing for extended periods of time so that I can build endurance.. should probably also go running or something.

I am about to alter the underskirt to my standard gown to fit and also make a latin costume..

...and will hopefully read for Spanish within the next few hours.

It's as if two weeks is too long for ballroom to be away from me.

I should look for classes for Fall.. and more last minute internships

Bookends and Old Friends

I guess I haven't been updating that often this semester. I think this is like when you meet old friends and ask each other how the semester is going.. there's no real good answer except "good" or "bad" or "so-so". Its as if that length of time has to be diminished to a couple of words in a sentence. or generalised. because we (I at least) can't manage to think of important specific occasion on the spot. Maybe.. I went to Boston, or I hate my post Col. teacher.. which makes the class almost unbearable. or something... maybe the generic questions requires a generic answer, and the quality of the answer is only based on the quality of the question?

But outside of that, I saw Ian and Joe, both of whom i haven't seen, or corresponded with over the past three months or so. Had coffee with Rabah, and can't bear to think that this is, perhaps the last that I'll get to see of her for the next six months. Now that I'm home, I think a lot more about the people that I still want to know, but that I don't. like Yang, Foote, Ian, Kristine, and Joe. I hear about them from different people, or I occasionally visit their facebooks and leave a comment, but in all seriousness, I don't really talk to them at all. nor can i say I'm really their friends anymore. Its my fault, and i guess they can share half the blame if they care to still know me too, but I get so caught up in what's going on at Berkeley. I don't have time to sleep, let alone eat much.. meaning i spend more money getting food from the asian ghetto, or I live on peanut butter sandwiches which isn't enough food.

I should get one of those bracelets where every tie you complain you have to switch wrists... after 24 hours I'd probably just take it off because it'd be in transit so often.

Snowboarding, Colin & Dylah, Inroads application, Scholarship Essays, stalk career.berkeley.edu, God of Small Things, Education Reader, Sponsorship letters, Lunch with Kaile,

It's already Wednesday. no complaining.

procratinate!

another essay... another blog post. yay procrastination. it's really hard to concentrate on something you're not quite invested in. or that you're not inspired for. I think i rely too much on my teachers to present texts in a way that become interesting to me, and therefore, I can only write essays on texts that I like.

I don't think i make any sense right now.

I wish i didn't have to write this paper so that I could spend more time with Rabah and we didn't have to do this vegging at home while she watches Adaptation and I write this essay. which should be motivation to work harder now so i don't do this all week. but so hard so hard.. and complaining again.

I"m ready for graham cracker cake, SF, Swing dancing, and home.

i'm going to die early if i keep having to write papers

This paper only took me 5 hours, three cans of soda, a chipotle burrito, 1/4 of a pacakage of Nutter Butters, half a carton of cookies, toffee stolen from Rubal, GChat with Rabah and couple of youtube videos to finish. which is pretty good. I think I had more saturated fat in the last three days than i usually do in a month.. not that i really care too much.

I still have to proofread, and make my Spanish intro paragraph less.. crappy.

Alex says we're at the point where we're good enough to start dancing the "real way" and therefore.. we are once again at the point where I'm frustrated by how much i suck. and I wish I could practice more.. but no. I already spend too much time there and end up in situations like the whole of this week.

I'm excited for Small Group night on Friday. and for stoning with Dianna tomorrow.. because well.. who doesn't want to hunch over a dress and apply rhinestones one... by one... by one...

I re read my last post and realised that as soon as I started talking about something.. i never finished my idea.

back to real work.

too much food on my plate

I check my blog a lot. And I always come to this page to update it. and then i write a sentence or two, and realise that what i'm saying doesn't matter, and that i have to go to some class or run around in circles for a while or something other than spend time on the internet. Which i do too much of.

You know what would be a great thing to give up for lent? Email. hahahaha Yakov would kill me... and i'd never get to speak to Rabah. I don't usually do lent.. mostly because i can't think up anything to get rid of. internet is an obvious choice, but i can't because some of my reponsibility comes in the form of the internet. Candy/unhealthy foods? maybe. but then again, if I don't eat that, there may be sometimes when i'm not eating at all, which i think is far worse. I should just endeavor to go to the grocery store more... which means bug AJ more.. which means... spending money more. I'm always sad when produce goes bad. All of our potatoes have sprouted.

I like studying with Nuri. She's thoughtfully observant in a way that is very endearing to me. I think all people should be thoughtfully observant in their own ways. I don't understand how people go through life without understanding.

Last week was bad. here's to this week being better. Two weeks til Classic. Three weeks til Sandiego, Four weeks til Harvard, and Five weeks til Rabah! I need to be on TOP of my school work so that I can do all of these other things.

I need to find Janet a Birfday Present.

Inadvertent Caffeine

I drank a can of coke, and a Arizona Black and white tea (which is super tasty). I forgot that either have caffeine in them. but i suppose they did me well since.. i have yet to start my Spanish response. Which, I'm spectacularly happy about being in that class. Now I have to decide between Education 143 (Teaching English) and Architecture 170B (History of Arch. 1400 through present)They're oth time consuming in different ways. One's with Sharla, the other is with half of FiCB.

It's interesting to note how work gets done in different organizations. there always has to be an initiator in all processes. On that note, we have a new Publicity Coordinator. Marta is amazing... better than I had hoped.

It happened so fast this semester. there was no time to slack off. just go go go, and already we're having to write papers and annotate bibliographies for future papers and interview teachers and things of this nature. Where did the time go?

I'm going to sleep by 2:45. er.. maybe.

it's too early for to do lists

This semester isn't quite that enjoyable right now.. despite the fact that I like all of my teachers.

A real post soon. Tomorrow perhaps

Find/Read Architecture book
Write Dash article
Read John Dewey/response paper
Read Sp poem/response paper
Find research topic for Architecture
Contact Sponsors (again)
Stat problem set
Read "In an Antique Land"
Scholarship essays
Apply for internships

So Cold

There's going to be a lot of work this semester.

I don't feel like writing right now. I'll finish this later.

but... I still exist... I suppose.

onwards and forwards

I've just come back from a ski trip with Dan, Sharla, Robert, Dianna, Donovan and Kevin which was fun, and a good relaxation time. I'm also just about to head off on an all FICb retreat from Friday to Sunday which should be as good, and even more of a vacation from emails and the stress of making sure everything is run smoothly and securely for this upcoming semester. That hopefully nothing goes wrong, and if it does, there was nothing else I could do about it.

My right shoulder is sore. For the first time in about two years I fell hard coming off the lift. Once, it was because Robert's pole was planted right in front of my board, the second time, was because of pure stupidity or the rental board or something. I don't know.

I just... want this semester to go smoothly. very smoothly.

Hope is a very good motivator, and also sometimes very unsatisfactory. I never finished my Dash article. Perhaps the church retreat will help.

goes on and on, yes it does

I'm in a bit of a quandry. I don't know what to do about writing anymore. I can't write. Janet Burroway says that writers block doesn't exist. it's existence depends on fear. Fear of writing something that you want to , or perhaps need to write. I don't think that's it. I feel like Richard Madoc who's mind is so blank that he has to rape a muse (Calliope, the muse of epic poetry) in order to write anything at all... and of course it's good. except I don't have a muse to rape- nor would I rape her if I did.
I don't know what to do with the rest of my three days here. Time doesn't match up like it should. I should have started earlier- how did I know I was going to say that? I guess I should know myself by now.
I'm ready for this upcoming week- where I can get away from all of this crap work that I have to do, but somehow I know it will be worse as soon as I get back.
Janet tells me maybe I should re-evaluate my priorities. Maybe I should. Maybe I will. apparently my mother thinks I'm losing focus. that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
In an email with the subject line "its not too late" Yakov sends me the latest entry in Stanley Fish's blog: "Will the Humanities save us?" and while i disagree innately with his arguement. I can't help but think that perhaps he is right. He says "To the question “of what use are the humanities?”, the only honest answer is none whatsoever" ( http://fish.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/01/06/will-the-humanities-save-us/). He continues to state that this answer "brings honor to the subject" i don't know. can I justify to myself something that has no use? I don't see any other way.

"...But where do you go to, my lovely? when you're alone in your bed.."

Vomit you out

I am avoiding my Ballroom email box tonight... i hope i haven't left whatever off for too long. and i must finish calling my sponsors.
I think things are always harder in my head than it seems. yesterday i had a sequel dream, i can't remember much of the first. only that yesterday I was being chased along with others in some sort of zeppelin that looked like a flying blow up raft that runs with a motor and gasoline for apparently ~25 teddy bears of varying size(perhaps the teddy bears weren't in fact important, and were instead hiding, i don't know, cocaine or something.) The scariest part i think of my dream was that underneath the house we were escaping from, was about twenty flights of downward stairs, at the bottom of which, there was an escalator... where another family lived and here were these teddy bears in this lost basement of sorts it was all very secretive and hollywood like. I apparently also had to pack lighter than I had, and I was forced to leave mountain of clothing and things behind in the scary lady's house. Perhaps my dream is telling me to leave personal baggage behind (or figure out what is leave-behindable) and to instead go save the ...teddy bears... from impending doom and misuse. I don't know where this stuff comes from.
When I was at my sister's church today, the pastor was talking about mediocrity. Particularly Christian mediocrity. the key passage being "So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will vomit you out of my mouth." (Revelation 3:16). Apparently there are two rivers in Laodicea, one cold and one from the hot springs which meet and merge in order to create a new river of no value, where as the two previous had purpose. Even if my purpose is to save the teddy bears, I should do it knowing that that is my purpose and that is the best I can do at this moment. God gave me gifts and talents right? i should be using them?
My immediate future for both this semester, and this summer are at this moment very nebulous. I don't know what will happen to me. I'm unsure about everything from whether what I'm doing currently is right, to whether or not I can get a job this summer, to even the smallest things of extra curriculars and friends and how much time i should be spending on these things.
I worry too much. And there is so much to do that I shouldn't be leaving for tomorrow, but that will have to do. I think there's a to-do list coming. Oh yes. first of 2008 (it's going to be great according to my dentist)

To-Do:
1. Look up and apply to at least 10 scholarships (preferrably more)
2. Fix Resume
3. Look up and apply to at least 8 internships for the summer, both paid and unpaid
4. Look at notes from meeting last thursday, and finish that stuff
5. Write Dash article
6. go to CO ski and Golf and look at travel bags for snowboards.
7. finish contacting sponsors

There are two things I want to try to do everyday this week starting tomorrow:
- floss once daily
- read my bible.

onwards and forwards. I'm going back in a week.