Ten Lb wieghts are attached to my eyelids.

It's not even ten oclock. and I"m exhausted. the work I have to do in the next three days is large in quantity. I don't know if I can do it all. what I really need at the moment is one more day without school so that I can finish everything that I need to before more work piles up. I hsouldn't have wasted yesterday; but it was time well spent.
The Royal Tenenbaums is a rather good movie. probably not one of my all time favorites.. but it's up there with the Kill Bills.
I need to stop wasting time. Thursday on is going to be great.

Once a Loser always a Loser

As much as this past year has changed me. I am still the same person I was two years ago. This is a comforting thought. I fear change; perhaps not everything has changed so much.

I am collecting all the eraser droppings on my desk into a pile.

overachieving

Over winter break my sister talked me back into applying for summer school. I'm (still) really apprehensive of going. It's going to take up my whole summer. eight weeks, and for two weeks before that starts, I'm going to europe with Lauren and Malorie, so I'm only going to have about five days in good ol' Colorado. It really makes me sad to think that a lot of the people I got to know this year are leaving for college- and I won't see them on an almost day to day basis after my junior year is over. I have a feeling that next year is going to be filled to the brim with nostalgia.
Hopefully, as the stereotype goes, the freshmen to be sophomores (of next year) won't be able to find jobs or internships anywhere, and will come home and waste it with us newly graduated seniors (as of next year)
I think junior year so far has been one of the best years.
here's to things only getting better.

Currently playing; The End is Near- Five Iron Frenzy

A ten step programme

I'm going to stop procrastinating... better grades and better time-management-so-I-can-go-out-more here I come.

song of the moment; on distant shores.

Smiles are for happy

Something I like to do- alot. is stretch out on either my carpet or on the wood of the kitchen and just listen to the silence.... or rather the ticking of clocks, or whirring of paused cd players and computers. Its a good place to think. I've re-realised (word?) that I love super talks in person about nothing and everything. Perhaps though.... I should unpin my heart from my sleeve and put it back into my chest cavity where it belongs.

I only got two (hopefully one) B's for Semestre 1.. happy day.

CD of the week Bjork; Medulla.

Joy

This weekend will probably end up being one of the best of the year.
Thanks Foote for inviting me (us) up.

20 things that bring me joy:

1. Cold orange juice
2. Smell of warm baked bread
3. facing the rain
4. bear hugs
5. warm beds in cold rooms
6. personal emails
7. updates
8. blueberries
9. thunderstorms
10. silent snow
11. Swings at midnight
    
12. smell of warm copies
13. companiable silences
14. Long putts that go in
15. warm chipotle
16. curly hair
17. first bites of apples
18. noses
19. blasting On Distant Shores and singing like a mad woman.
20. taking off boots after boarding

what are the little things that make your life worthwhile?

Acceleration

I feel like time is rolling down this gargantuan hill and is picking up speed... and as we grow older we will soon be living our lives in fast forward. Is it too much to ask to live at a nice.. perhaps.. andante? instead of the allegro it's in now?
I set out on a Mission last November. Through Nanowrimo, I would figure things out, get myself straight so I could look at my world in a better way. I realise. I still want to write.. as I have for the past.. 11 years. I realise how disillusioned you can become from one sentence that comes tumbling out of two of your friend's mouths. I didn't appreciate it.
Yes I should be anchored to reality. but can I not live my life with some slack in my tether?

I never liked change much. Especially change that dulls the swirling colors in my world.

mmm

I'm in the mood for a good concert. I'm feeling restless

It's the church that's getting rotten, but it's Christ that you've forgotten...

I was talking to kaile today about Christians.
I hate how sometimes, we're so... singleminded, that we can't see around our faith to watch the rest of the world that doesn't have that. I hate that a lot of us sneer in disgust at- lets say gay people, because we think we're better than them- when we're not. We're all of the same mold. No one's perfect and I hate that christians can't seem to grasp that. they, themselves aren't any better than anyone else. We are bettered because J.C. died for us, out of grace. not because we deserved it. And we don't appreciate that. It's more about 'us' than Christ most of the time. I'm disgusted with myself for it. I'm disgusted with the majority of christians for it.
While the Bible says to evangelise, it says to Glorify God. I think the latter should be the priority. I'm sick of hypocritical christians that don't have the mind to filter come of what is told to them instead of simply taking it in like vacuums, the right and the wrong alike. I'm also sick of people who aren't into christianity bashing on my religion and being acceptant of other religions that they dont' necessarily belong to. why should you be hating on Christiany because it's mainstream?

Disclaimer: this wasn't meant to offend anyone in particular... although it is good to be offended occasionally if you are.

sushi

You are no better than me
I am a roll, not unlike sushi
of insecurities and pride
hope and frustration
you are the same as me
perhaps they switched
my salmon out for your tuna
but essentially, the same.
All about to be eaten
by giant with redwood sized chopsticks.

that.. was bad poetry, of the 2 minute kind. and Ian, I'm ready to see if Kazu's better than Sonoda's.

Piano Man by Billy Joel fits with my mood at the moment.

Beginnings

Beginnings are creatures of change. We don't always welcome it, but it happens infront of closed eyes before we accept what's happened. By then, It has moved on on cat like feet to leave us to it's offspring; the same, yet uncomfortably different. Beginnings are dashing, because of the uncertainy that it arrives arm in arm with; whereas, middles are boorish and endings are wretchedly nostalgic. Only when we are able to let go of the past and leave it as the past instead of the now we can start a new beginning. We never see it coming. Change jumps, clutching our heads and crawling through and oraface to the brain where its tantrums pain us until we awknowledge it. Despite our dislike for Beginnings, we smile secretly. The thrill has begun.

I enjoy Lit club a lot, I respect Murph as a writer and a teacher, and I feel I could learn a lot from her. Writing is my passion, no matter how disfunctional I may seem at it...

Song of the moment, The World You Love, Jimmy Eat World.

Good Bye 2004

What a year of change. And a year of return. I can't say I remember everything that happened this year, of course there are mistakes, disapointment and despair, and of course there are good times, but most of all, I think I've grown a lot more comfortable with who I am this year, even if I still have shortcomings, and will always have short comings


Events that stand out the most. (in some semblance of order)
The church fiasco
the shrek 2 disaster
My first AP Tests,
Parties at kaile's...especially the dance off.
hanging out in kyle's basement
Diana coming down from IN
Mexico
English class/falling out of chairs/the flow
hanging out infront of the ssrc
the game/resenting rubenstien
the inevitable IM conversation/halting of third hour lunches
the night of Roxy's .5 birfday

special thanks to-
the people who have kept me sane:
Eunice
Ian
Ildae
Ilene
Janet
Jen
Kaile
Kaitlin
Kyle
Lauren


here's to the New year.. may it be even better than 2004.

It's New Years Eve and I'm full of empty promises... just like last year

There's something melancholy about New Years Resolutions... you make them to better yourself, and most of the time fall completely short of them... well here's to them anyway, old and new

1. I am NOT better than anyone; be more humble.
2. Actually start that one novel... you know, that one that you always say you'll start? kill all plot bunnies instead of the other way around- rather, actually have a plot.
3. learn to sew... not for self betterment, but just for fun...
   
4. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK

"This New Years Eve, something must change me inside, I'm crooked and misguided, and tired of being tired. this New Years Eve I'm waiting for tomorrow, my heart is on my sleeve and yes I still believe in you..."

fear

There's something heart wrenching about writing a short story and knowing you're going to show it to someone who has never seen your work before. You don't know how they're going to react, whether they'll like it hate it or even worse, have that completely blank stare on their face as they finish. It didn't mean anything to them.

"I've got a story, it's almost finished
all I need is someone to tell it to,
maybe, that's you..."

poor mimes

I now know that feeling that spies occasionally get in movies, when they're nailed into a large wooden crate and are being shipped off somewhere and they aren't exactly sure where they're going.
Execept my crate wasn't so large... nor was it wooden.
There's something distinctly disorienting about folding yoruself into a box and then having -I think- five people carry you into the school.
Good thing I'm not claustrophobic, Kinda would suck to be a mime, stuck in a box... forever-- ten minutes is okay... more than an hour would suck.

circles

You wonder what's missing
from that spot, there, in your soul
You've got God
You've got smarts
and yet, there's a hole
gaping wildly swallowing more away
Alone in the room
sprawled out across
scratchy carpet
Listening to bands
who can't play
You feel unable
to measure up
you care so much
you don't care at all
let out a wretched screech
and collapse, sagging against the floor
Cry in your heart
never on your face
Dreams will never come true
You'll have to settle
medeocrity wins again

women suck

I think it's lame how us girls use guys for affection. We don't think anything of it- maybe they do. We're just a bunch of attention whores. I'm sick of it.
Get a life.

I feel it in my fingers...

I can't say I dislike CHristmas, and I can't say I like it either. I love the general atmosphere of serenity (except inside the mall) and usually people are happier aroudn this time of year I hate how commercial christmas is, even at church. maybe we should all just hang out with the important people and enjoy cookies and movies. And if there's snow enough, whitewashing people and snow fights.
My three (5?) favorite chirstmas movies;

Edward Scissorhands
Love Actually
The Lord of the Rings (FOTR, TTT, ROTK)

what are your favorites?

crazy

why is it that the yellow and the black crayons are always the ones to disappear? why couldn't it be the metal tones that I never use? jeez...

It's everybody, I mean. Everything everyone does is so - I don't know- not Wrong, or even mean, or even stupid necisarily. But just so tiny and meaningless and-sad making. And the worst part is, if you go bohemian or something crazy liek that, you're conforming just as much as everybody else, only in a different way...
I feel so funny... I think i'm going crazy. Maybe I'm already crazy

mergphh

I hate the week just after a long vacation. It makes school that much more foul.

I'm gonna go broke from christmas presents.

Lord of the Rings; the Return of the King the extended version comes out on dvd december 14th.. w00t.

Yay for disjointed blog entries