Jessica Battles the (Pink) Robots

There's some feeling that comes out of doing the daily, and not focusing on anything outside of what's right in front of you. Work. Practice. Eating. Sleeping. Boyfriend. Friend(s). I can't describe it. It's both good and bad because the monotony pulls you in, and it's not necessarily something to be abhorred, but there's a lot that's not in front of me. Like my family. Like Rabah. Like old friends (who are now Negative numbers because they are so far back in history). I was berated by my oldest sister who said that I don't even miss my family because I never call. I don't think that it's that I don't miss them. When I stop to think (which is not often now) I do. I really really do. I just have to be on Robot-Mode these days and only look at what's right in front of me... and even ignore what's infront of me but can be ignored.

I feel like i've said this somewhere here before but I've become such a worse listener, such a worse observer living the way I do. I don't know if I like myself anymore. If you know what I mean. not in an emo lets-go-slit-our-wrists type way, but I don't like robot-mode.

I think this is the first time in a very long time that I sat down and made the time to do this. just look at the internet for something other than things that need to get done.

I used to spend days doing this.

"She's gotta be strong to fight 'em, so she's taking lots of vitamins" (that's a lie)

Time to myself, or quiet time with others, what's that?

insert entry here

This is a promise to blog sometime soon.

both here and at unknown god

cliff is going to kill me.

I like the word pudgy... it looks like its definition

I have three really awesome friends. the rest of my friends are pretty awesome too. but these three... man. they're so good.

I'm feeling a little inadequate these days. perhaps I can blame the moon.

pudgy pudgy... makes me happy. lets get happy. good thing I have a weekend of interesting things to do.

pudgy.

softly now, you don't want to rip

my apartment is a sty. and by a sty i mean a STY. it's nasty.

I'm downloading tonight's so you think you can dance... which is kinda nice after having only watched last week's last night, so it's not much of a wait. plus... it's nice being able to watch it before I see who's cut.

I need to work harder. Maybe not harder, but more dilligently. I need to work more diligently and become better and more reliable because of it.

There's going to be a lot of making myself into a better person this year.... at least a lot of struggle.

I miss rabsies.

toodooloo

As much as I hate to admit it, I like being taken care of... maybe just by certain people. On a side note cellphone batteries get really hot when they're recharging.

I just saw Mr. And Mrs. Smith again on TV... that movie has to have one of the best sex scenes for a chick flick. No wonder Brad and Angelina got together after that movie.

I once read an interview from Shia Lebouf. He said that he always has crushes on his co-actresses.. but it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, he gets to kiss them anyway. Isn't that creepy?

I miss the noise outside of my window at Berkeley... the silence is too loud here.

Lonely places and Prayer

We've named her Pandora... she will be the best plant-pet that I've ever had. She will unleash havoc on my kitchen.

There are some things that I need to do more. the big ones being reading my bible and praying more. I don't know enough.. and that should bother me. oh bother.

Yesterday I asked my dad if he had seen "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" because he was the one to show me my first Robert Redford/Paul Newman movie ("The Sting") and he told me that that was his favorite movie when he was younger.

I also went to Tattered Cover with my sisters, and was reading about Norse mythology out of Edith Hamilton, and their concept of heroism is quite grand. I think that I'd agree with it.
I also picked up and read the first 20 or so pages of The Road and wow that book... I can't wait until we read it in class.. but I only hope that teacher analysis will make me enjoy it more rather than less.. and that people won't make stupid comments in that class that will make me hate it.

I want to be closer to my dad. I feel like I dont know him very well... and I feel like he's not that easy to know. not that anyone is... but he's my dad, isn't he? I thought I knew him well at one point in time, but I don't think I know anythign about him anymore, other than his strong sense of loyalty and stubbornness.

I feel like I'm no longer passionate about anything. Today Janet's pastor was talking about being passionate, as many pastors do, but really even when I went to go see Ricardo and Yulia, I wasn't THAT moved, or excited to start dancing again (I'm letting Alex down). I think I need a real break. But how do you take a break from your life? Rabah is... sort of, taking a break from life that makes life clearer. I need one of those. but those aren't as easy as they look are they, BooBoo?

I've always told myself I need to fix my grammar.. especially my commas, they're horrendous.

This is a rather depressing and self centered (aren't all personal blogs?)post.

vomit you out (softly)

I've been away from this for so long I don't know where to begin.

I think I'm becoming a different person- slowly.
perhaps a more accurate statement is: I think I'm staying the same person differently.

I spend most of my time with three people: David, Alex and Jennifer (my boss). I want to see my sophomores more... but I need to be working too.

I like Bananas when they're not quite ripe and not quite green

I like the space between beats - a lot can happen in the space between beats

There's a list of things that I need to do before I go home... I have 2 days to finish.

I'm a mind changer.. have you noticed?

Everything changes, nothing is truly lost.

A guide to my inner being

So this list of random media won't tell you why I believe in god, or why I like the things that I like, or why I'm friends with the people who are my friends. I thought about this after giving Alex a list of books to read, and then realising that all of these are important to my essence in some way.

All of these things can be either found online or bought in a store, I'm not listing people, or non-media commodity here.

there is no order other than the randomity in my head

1. End of World- flash animation
2. Franny and Zooey
3. Raise High the Roofbeam Carpenters and Seymour an Introduction
54. Nine stories (All except DeDaumier Smith's Blue Period)
5. The Sandman (Especially Brief Lives)
6. Neverwhere
7. Interpreter of Maladies
8. Almost Famous
9. Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind
10. The Big Sleep
11. The Big Sleep (movie)
12. Breakfast at Tiffanies (Movie)
13. Harold and the Purple Crayon
14. The BFG
15. Boy
16. Five Iron Frenzy (Specific Songs: On Distant Shores, Every New Day, You Can't Handle This, It was Beautiful, See the Flames Begin to Crawl)
17. Jimmy Eat World (Specific Songs: Hear You Me, If you Don't Don't, 23, Your Sundown, Just Watch the Fireworks)
18. GLory Box, Portishead
19. Pink Moon (Album)
20. Last Goodbye, Jeff Buckley
21. Autumn Into Summer, Pelican
22. Pride and Prejudice
23. Hamlet
24. Zoolander
25. House on Mango Street
26. the Bell Jar
27. Teen Girl Squad
28. "Feel Great" Nutrigrain commercial
29. Old Greg
30. "Carrion Comfort", Gerard Manly Hopkins
31. Gilmore Girls, seasons 1-3, maybe 4 and 5
32. Superman the Animated Series
33. Batman the Animated Series
34. Justice League and JL Unlimited
35. Slavik and Karina 2005 WSS Jive and Rumba
36. Joanna and Michael 2005 WSS Cha Cha
37. Beauty and the Beast
38. Tortilla Flat
39. Waiting for Godot
40. Finch (Specific Songs: Three Simple Words, Perfection Through Silence, What is it to Burn, Reduced to Teeth)
41. Dirty Life, Ima Robot
42. Everything Goes Numb (Album)
43. Simon and Garfunkel (Specific Songs: The Boxer, Me and Julio, Cecelia, America, Old Friends)
44. Everything with be okay
45. piano man, Billy Joel
46. Fallen Art
47. Rejected
48. CCR (Specific Songs: Who Will Stop the Rain, Looking out my Backdoor, Lodi, Green River, sweet hitchhiker)
49. Edie in Winter
50. 10 things I hate about you
51. Blow Job Girl (you tube)
52. Rent (original soundtrack)
53. She's the Man
54. Ella Fitzgerald (specific Songs: Lover come back to me, Cheek to Cheek)

I'm probably forgetting something, but it's late. and this is good enough... i can't tell all of my secrets

I'm supposed to start my outline 3 hour ago

So.. I'm only six pages into "el Libro de Alexandre" which i don't know quite yet if it's going to fit with the rest.

I don't know if the rest even fits together in itself.

Last paper
last paper
last paper... and er... go to 4:04 of this clip



yep.

do it to it... and don't fall asleep

and it's 9:15 am and I have less than 15 hours to write a 7-10 page paper and I'm still procrastinating. Why does this happen to me? I need to focussss

I blog more to procrastinate

I need to learn to do spoken word.



shoot.

our frail deeds-- the last will wave good-bye.

I observed my last high school class today.

Things that I Need to Do by tomorrow:
1. Post colonial outline/send it to premnath
2. Read/Know what I am writing about for spanish.. possible presentation of ideas tomorrow

Basically that means reading about 200 pages of reading that I havent done yet... or i haven't done WELL yet. I'm scared.. and I'm too tired to concentrate on what is going on.

This week is hell.. and I'm just looking forward to Thursday 5pm when I'm done with all classes for this semester....

well ... then I have to finish all the ballroom work that I never finished (points budget and proposal and practice space for summer.. and fall.. and budgets.. and..)

and finalise my spanish paper with Marta.

more than ever.. focus and breathe.. focus and breathe.

I have a lot of Irises standing next to me from three different sources. I like the ones i got second best. I think this is the first time I've gotten flowers from a boy. :)

"to not touch your skin is not why i sing"

How is it that best friends can capture exactly how you're feeling at a moment? How is it that even though we haven't talked much this past month, we can still be in a similar state of being?

If you haven't read this post (by Rabah) here: It's beautiful... and nostalgic... and sad... and poignant.

My pastor told us on Sunday that he was leaving as of June 1. I don't know what to make of that. Funny how on Friday, Dianna (or was it Donovan?)asked me how I chose my church when I got here. I told them it was all (mostly) about the pastor. And now he's leaving. I don't think I will make a conscious decision to leave with him, but who knows what will come in the future? If I can't grow... then I can't stay... as selfish as that sounds.

I have three papers (two in English, 1 in spanish) due in the next week- wednesday, thursday and monday (12th). I know i need to be working on them, but I keep falling asleep on my couch. I know i should be focused on them but, in the words of Norah Jones, "I've got to see you again"

j-j-j-j-joy

I'm a little early, but, that's okay. I think its time:

The previous list is found here, and if you go far enough back, you can find the first one I ever made in my junior year of high school.

(little) Things that bring me joy:
1. Days when my toe doesn't hurt
2. gchat with Rabah
3. contemplating rhinestones
4. good conversations
5. better hugs
6. dancing
7. sleep
8. weeks when nothing is due
9. chocolate graham crackers
10. daydreams
11. listening to the noise of Blakes closing at 2am
12. falling asleep talking
13. buying books

identity

So, I'm taking a post-colonial literature class this semester. And basically that boils down to the literature being all about identity. And the further I study identity, and how it's created in these novels in a believable way. The more nebulous it becomes. It's something that doesn't exist. There are just faces that you can put on for people and identity arises from the particular faces that arise more than others. In this way, we're all allowed to be a big bundle of contradictions because that's how we're created. Morals, intuitions, desires, all fighting each other, it's just what comes out first.

On that note, I've been thinking a lot. about nothing mostly, but on how I'm ready for more time to myself, more time with my friends... maybe even just more time making friends. I feel like I've forgotten how in some ways.

Alex keeps asking me what I want. and to be honest, I don't know. I'm really glad it didn't take much convincing to get Yakov to change the training stuff for the banquet. I'm excited.

I think I'm dying.

Summer will be: Work, Open Routines, Friends, Practice, Movies, Cooking, Grass, and so forth... how long has it been since one of my joy lists? I'll have to check.

Seasons of Love for sure.

Hello Friends, Lovers and B-Boys

I thought i'd start out with this: and say that well.. I want to be a B-girl.. but since that's a nigh impossible dream... I'll just watch the you tube videos.

There's a lot of work that I have to do. a lot. a lot. a lot. I'm just lazy and I don't want to do it. It's like .... i don't know there's something that's inhibiting me from doing it.

I'm moving into my living room. Rubal and I are splitting up... not really.. but sort of. I'm taking over the living room, and she gets the bedroom. I'm paying less rent, and so forth for being the walk through room, the smaller room, the smell absorbing room... I think it's for the best.

I just need a week of non-time. can I have that? can I please?

I had a good time last night, watching disney movies, hanging out with a strange group of people. getting to know them. I like making new friends, when you can't go wrong, and you don't know the dirty deep secrets about them that make them slightly less attractive (but at that point in time, it doesn't matter because the good stuff has already been magnified)

I feel like I'm losing my anchors. where did you go? where did you go? where did you go?

pete and repeat.

I'm listening to Ska P

I don't know why i wrote that title. Good night

20 -2hours

Blearggghhh is what my system is saying to me most days now.

I don't want to go to work,
I don't want to practice
and I most definitely don't want to study.

Today I had a private lesson with Roberta... who is all things magic, made our promenades look worlds better and helped me with my arm thing. the limp arm thing. the thing I've been trying to fix since August. and suddenly it makes sense from a very nonsensical- you roll your shoulders back and this creates a sense of pressure between your hands and your partner. er.. did that make any sense to anyone? I doubt it.

I need to cut some sort of extra curricular out. I don't know what. Ballroom I guess makes the most sense to cut out (its the least beneficial outside of college) but.. it's also the most enjoyable and that's kind of out of the question at this point.

I need to work on finishing my ideas/thoughts instead of getting distracted by digressions. I know I've said that before.

happy birthday to me.

Welcome Back to B(allroom)erkeley

As soon as I got back, I was whisked off to the SF Open where i proceeded to watch professionals Eugene Katsevman and Maria Manusova work it.

Got my 3rd birthday present (SUPADANCE SHOES!!!!!!!). 1, they're way more stable than my old Very Fine pair, 2. They're pretty, 3. They're also half an inch lower.. (now 2.5" instead of 3") which in addition to the more stable bit makes the dancing easier on my feet. 4. ...did i mention they were pretty? but they're really dark.. i may have to tan to match the color.. which er.. yeah... should probably get some pro-tan too.

Had an hour and half "welcome back to Yakov" meeting.

Went back to practice... need to get back into the habit of practicing for extended periods of time so that I can build endurance.. should probably also go running or something.

I am about to alter the underskirt to my standard gown to fit and also make a latin costume..

...and will hopefully read for Spanish within the next few hours.

It's as if two weeks is too long for ballroom to be away from me.

I should look for classes for Fall.. and more last minute internships

Bookends and Old Friends

I guess I haven't been updating that often this semester. I think this is like when you meet old friends and ask each other how the semester is going.. there's no real good answer except "good" or "bad" or "so-so". Its as if that length of time has to be diminished to a couple of words in a sentence. or generalised. because we (I at least) can't manage to think of important specific occasion on the spot. Maybe.. I went to Boston, or I hate my post Col. teacher.. which makes the class almost unbearable. or something... maybe the generic questions requires a generic answer, and the quality of the answer is only based on the quality of the question?

But outside of that, I saw Ian and Joe, both of whom i haven't seen, or corresponded with over the past three months or so. Had coffee with Rabah, and can't bear to think that this is, perhaps the last that I'll get to see of her for the next six months. Now that I'm home, I think a lot more about the people that I still want to know, but that I don't. like Yang, Foote, Ian, Kristine, and Joe. I hear about them from different people, or I occasionally visit their facebooks and leave a comment, but in all seriousness, I don't really talk to them at all. nor can i say I'm really their friends anymore. Its my fault, and i guess they can share half the blame if they care to still know me too, but I get so caught up in what's going on at Berkeley. I don't have time to sleep, let alone eat much.. meaning i spend more money getting food from the asian ghetto, or I live on peanut butter sandwiches which isn't enough food.

I should get one of those bracelets where every tie you complain you have to switch wrists... after 24 hours I'd probably just take it off because it'd be in transit so often.

Snowboarding, Colin & Dylah, Inroads application, Scholarship Essays, stalk career.berkeley.edu, God of Small Things, Education Reader, Sponsorship letters, Lunch with Kaile,

It's already Wednesday. no complaining.

procratinate!

another essay... another blog post. yay procrastination. it's really hard to concentrate on something you're not quite invested in. or that you're not inspired for. I think i rely too much on my teachers to present texts in a way that become interesting to me, and therefore, I can only write essays on texts that I like.

I don't think i make any sense right now.

I wish i didn't have to write this paper so that I could spend more time with Rabah and we didn't have to do this vegging at home while she watches Adaptation and I write this essay. which should be motivation to work harder now so i don't do this all week. but so hard so hard.. and complaining again.

I"m ready for graham cracker cake, SF, Swing dancing, and home.

i'm going to die early if i keep having to write papers

This paper only took me 5 hours, three cans of soda, a chipotle burrito, 1/4 of a pacakage of Nutter Butters, half a carton of cookies, toffee stolen from Rubal, GChat with Rabah and couple of youtube videos to finish. which is pretty good. I think I had more saturated fat in the last three days than i usually do in a month.. not that i really care too much.

I still have to proofread, and make my Spanish intro paragraph less.. crappy.

Alex says we're at the point where we're good enough to start dancing the "real way" and therefore.. we are once again at the point where I'm frustrated by how much i suck. and I wish I could practice more.. but no. I already spend too much time there and end up in situations like the whole of this week.

I'm excited for Small Group night on Friday. and for stoning with Dianna tomorrow.. because well.. who doesn't want to hunch over a dress and apply rhinestones one... by one... by one...

I re read my last post and realised that as soon as I started talking about something.. i never finished my idea.

back to real work.