and it all comes crashing down

I hate power trips. Do you hate power trips?

All it does is create large amount of drama.

I want the "Dance! Everybody dance" part of it not the "my anus is bleeding" part. lets stop that now.

okay, break (literally? figuratively?).

a good day.

Today was a really good day. a really really good day.

after an amazing lunch with Eric and Jason at triple rock, and sleeping the rest (whoops, didn't go to work), I went to FiCB, then taught people from FiCB to swing dance with my new pastor (who swing dances :)). and then when they left for food, continued to dance with others, and then left with marta, with whom I had probably one of the best conversations concerning the ballroom aspects of my life that I've had ever. It's nice having someone like that. we of course, talked about much more than just ballroom, but that's one area that I don't think anyone else understands quite as well as someone who's in the thick of things.

it's late. I have a thesis for my Chaucer paper (woohoo!) and a bunch of garbled notes for my Junior seminar paper. Tomorrow I don't think ill be able to spend time on this until 11pm, and then sunday is church, free (nap) time and then birthday with David.

oofta.

school comes first right? right?

why does Alicia Keys sound emo?

Of course I update when I have mountains of things that need to get done. I've gotten multiple comments on gchat about how I can't have 400%. only one hundred. there is no such thing as 400%. I feel like I'm trying to give out 400% and only succeeding in getting out maybe 30%.

I need to be more faithful to everyone. I am simply a friend of convenience, a non-friend as it were.

Myers-Briggs tells me that I am three of the 16 different personality types. my personality is determined not by large margins of YES YOU ARE DEFINITELY THIS OVER THAT- but rather, at most it's like a 15% difference. That means i'm mediocre. didn't I always say that I wanted to be really high, or really low, but mediocrity is not acceptible? I guess it has to be.

I've been in a funky mood lately. I think I have too big of a sense of responsibility, on top of a dislike of doing those responsibilities that I take on, and so I'm constantly unhappy. maybe not constantly. I'm happy. I'm happy when I'm distracted. Actually, I'm happy when I only have to think about one thing at a time.

Does anyone know why you can't get decaf iced coffees? and it has to be an iced americano if it's decaf? I thought that was just starbucks.. and then just starbucks and tullys.. .but now it's strada too.

to do list:
Philo essay/writing assignment
Chaucer Outline
Junior seminar essay
Phaedo
Read reeve's tale, cook's tale and Wife of Bath's tale
Walgreens trip
buy David a birthday present

start McTeague (I suppose)

ew. ew. ew. ew. ew.

This place is nasty

I need a vacation.

or maybe just a maid.

when your best is not good enough

It's funny being told you're not trying hard enough.
I don't think that funny is the right word for it.

(Balls.)

Yay Boo

Yay Boo Yay Boo it's lots of fun to do, I say Yay and I say Boo:
- Being able to wake up early to finish reading (yay)
- Having early morning meetings on skype (boo)
- Finishing assignments (yay)
- falling asleep reading (boo)
- Having 0 unread messages in my inbox! (yay)
- Having a nasty apartment (boo)

technically I'm supposed to repeat the first yay boo chant between each set of yay-boos but I diecided that would get annoying.

I need to clean. but I need to keep up with school first. ew my apartment is soooo ewwwwwwww (and if i'm saying that, you know it's bad)

Jessica Battles the (Pink) Robots

There's some feeling that comes out of doing the daily, and not focusing on anything outside of what's right in front of you. Work. Practice. Eating. Sleeping. Boyfriend. Friend(s). I can't describe it. It's both good and bad because the monotony pulls you in, and it's not necessarily something to be abhorred, but there's a lot that's not in front of me. Like my family. Like Rabah. Like old friends (who are now Negative numbers because they are so far back in history). I was berated by my oldest sister who said that I don't even miss my family because I never call. I don't think that it's that I don't miss them. When I stop to think (which is not often now) I do. I really really do. I just have to be on Robot-Mode these days and only look at what's right in front of me... and even ignore what's infront of me but can be ignored.

I feel like i've said this somewhere here before but I've become such a worse listener, such a worse observer living the way I do. I don't know if I like myself anymore. If you know what I mean. not in an emo lets-go-slit-our-wrists type way, but I don't like robot-mode.

I think this is the first time in a very long time that I sat down and made the time to do this. just look at the internet for something other than things that need to get done.

I used to spend days doing this.

"She's gotta be strong to fight 'em, so she's taking lots of vitamins" (that's a lie)

Time to myself, or quiet time with others, what's that?

insert entry here

This is a promise to blog sometime soon.

both here and at unknown god

cliff is going to kill me.

I like the word pudgy... it looks like its definition

I have three really awesome friends. the rest of my friends are pretty awesome too. but these three... man. they're so good.

I'm feeling a little inadequate these days. perhaps I can blame the moon.

pudgy pudgy... makes me happy. lets get happy. good thing I have a weekend of interesting things to do.

pudgy.

softly now, you don't want to rip

my apartment is a sty. and by a sty i mean a STY. it's nasty.

I'm downloading tonight's so you think you can dance... which is kinda nice after having only watched last week's last night, so it's not much of a wait. plus... it's nice being able to watch it before I see who's cut.

I need to work harder. Maybe not harder, but more dilligently. I need to work more diligently and become better and more reliable because of it.

There's going to be a lot of making myself into a better person this year.... at least a lot of struggle.

I miss rabsies.

toodooloo

As much as I hate to admit it, I like being taken care of... maybe just by certain people. On a side note cellphone batteries get really hot when they're recharging.

I just saw Mr. And Mrs. Smith again on TV... that movie has to have one of the best sex scenes for a chick flick. No wonder Brad and Angelina got together after that movie.

I once read an interview from Shia Lebouf. He said that he always has crushes on his co-actresses.. but it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, he gets to kiss them anyway. Isn't that creepy?

I miss the noise outside of my window at Berkeley... the silence is too loud here.

Lonely places and Prayer

We've named her Pandora... she will be the best plant-pet that I've ever had. She will unleash havoc on my kitchen.

There are some things that I need to do more. the big ones being reading my bible and praying more. I don't know enough.. and that should bother me. oh bother.

Yesterday I asked my dad if he had seen "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" because he was the one to show me my first Robert Redford/Paul Newman movie ("The Sting") and he told me that that was his favorite movie when he was younger.

I also went to Tattered Cover with my sisters, and was reading about Norse mythology out of Edith Hamilton, and their concept of heroism is quite grand. I think that I'd agree with it.
I also picked up and read the first 20 or so pages of The Road and wow that book... I can't wait until we read it in class.. but I only hope that teacher analysis will make me enjoy it more rather than less.. and that people won't make stupid comments in that class that will make me hate it.

I want to be closer to my dad. I feel like I dont know him very well... and I feel like he's not that easy to know. not that anyone is... but he's my dad, isn't he? I thought I knew him well at one point in time, but I don't think I know anythign about him anymore, other than his strong sense of loyalty and stubbornness.

I feel like I'm no longer passionate about anything. Today Janet's pastor was talking about being passionate, as many pastors do, but really even when I went to go see Ricardo and Yulia, I wasn't THAT moved, or excited to start dancing again (I'm letting Alex down). I think I need a real break. But how do you take a break from your life? Rabah is... sort of, taking a break from life that makes life clearer. I need one of those. but those aren't as easy as they look are they, BooBoo?

I've always told myself I need to fix my grammar.. especially my commas, they're horrendous.

This is a rather depressing and self centered (aren't all personal blogs?)post.

vomit you out (softly)

I've been away from this for so long I don't know where to begin.

I think I'm becoming a different person- slowly.
perhaps a more accurate statement is: I think I'm staying the same person differently.

I spend most of my time with three people: David, Alex and Jennifer (my boss). I want to see my sophomores more... but I need to be working too.

I like Bananas when they're not quite ripe and not quite green

I like the space between beats - a lot can happen in the space between beats

There's a list of things that I need to do before I go home... I have 2 days to finish.

I'm a mind changer.. have you noticed?

Everything changes, nothing is truly lost.

A guide to my inner being

So this list of random media won't tell you why I believe in god, or why I like the things that I like, or why I'm friends with the people who are my friends. I thought about this after giving Alex a list of books to read, and then realising that all of these are important to my essence in some way.

All of these things can be either found online or bought in a store, I'm not listing people, or non-media commodity here.

there is no order other than the randomity in my head

1. End of World- flash animation
2. Franny and Zooey
3. Raise High the Roofbeam Carpenters and Seymour an Introduction
54. Nine stories (All except DeDaumier Smith's Blue Period)
5. The Sandman (Especially Brief Lives)
6. Neverwhere
7. Interpreter of Maladies
8. Almost Famous
9. Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind
10. The Big Sleep
11. The Big Sleep (movie)
12. Breakfast at Tiffanies (Movie)
13. Harold and the Purple Crayon
14. The BFG
15. Boy
16. Five Iron Frenzy (Specific Songs: On Distant Shores, Every New Day, You Can't Handle This, It was Beautiful, See the Flames Begin to Crawl)
17. Jimmy Eat World (Specific Songs: Hear You Me, If you Don't Don't, 23, Your Sundown, Just Watch the Fireworks)
18. GLory Box, Portishead
19. Pink Moon (Album)
20. Last Goodbye, Jeff Buckley
21. Autumn Into Summer, Pelican
22. Pride and Prejudice
23. Hamlet
24. Zoolander
25. House on Mango Street
26. the Bell Jar
27. Teen Girl Squad
28. "Feel Great" Nutrigrain commercial
29. Old Greg
30. "Carrion Comfort", Gerard Manly Hopkins
31. Gilmore Girls, seasons 1-3, maybe 4 and 5
32. Superman the Animated Series
33. Batman the Animated Series
34. Justice League and JL Unlimited
35. Slavik and Karina 2005 WSS Jive and Rumba
36. Joanna and Michael 2005 WSS Cha Cha
37. Beauty and the Beast
38. Tortilla Flat
39. Waiting for Godot
40. Finch (Specific Songs: Three Simple Words, Perfection Through Silence, What is it to Burn, Reduced to Teeth)
41. Dirty Life, Ima Robot
42. Everything Goes Numb (Album)
43. Simon and Garfunkel (Specific Songs: The Boxer, Me and Julio, Cecelia, America, Old Friends)
44. Everything with be okay
45. piano man, Billy Joel
46. Fallen Art
47. Rejected
48. CCR (Specific Songs: Who Will Stop the Rain, Looking out my Backdoor, Lodi, Green River, sweet hitchhiker)
49. Edie in Winter
50. 10 things I hate about you
51. Blow Job Girl (you tube)
52. Rent (original soundtrack)
53. She's the Man
54. Ella Fitzgerald (specific Songs: Lover come back to me, Cheek to Cheek)

I'm probably forgetting something, but it's late. and this is good enough... i can't tell all of my secrets

I'm supposed to start my outline 3 hour ago

So.. I'm only six pages into "el Libro de Alexandre" which i don't know quite yet if it's going to fit with the rest.

I don't know if the rest even fits together in itself.

Last paper
last paper
last paper... and er... go to 4:04 of this clip



yep.

do it to it... and don't fall asleep

and it's 9:15 am and I have less than 15 hours to write a 7-10 page paper and I'm still procrastinating. Why does this happen to me? I need to focussss

I blog more to procrastinate

I need to learn to do spoken word.



shoot.

our frail deeds-- the last will wave good-bye.

I observed my last high school class today.

Things that I Need to Do by tomorrow:
1. Post colonial outline/send it to premnath
2. Read/Know what I am writing about for spanish.. possible presentation of ideas tomorrow

Basically that means reading about 200 pages of reading that I havent done yet... or i haven't done WELL yet. I'm scared.. and I'm too tired to concentrate on what is going on.

This week is hell.. and I'm just looking forward to Thursday 5pm when I'm done with all classes for this semester....

well ... then I have to finish all the ballroom work that I never finished (points budget and proposal and practice space for summer.. and fall.. and budgets.. and..)

and finalise my spanish paper with Marta.

more than ever.. focus and breathe.. focus and breathe.

I have a lot of Irises standing next to me from three different sources. I like the ones i got second best. I think this is the first time I've gotten flowers from a boy. :)

"to not touch your skin is not why i sing"

How is it that best friends can capture exactly how you're feeling at a moment? How is it that even though we haven't talked much this past month, we can still be in a similar state of being?

If you haven't read this post (by Rabah) here: It's beautiful... and nostalgic... and sad... and poignant.

My pastor told us on Sunday that he was leaving as of June 1. I don't know what to make of that. Funny how on Friday, Dianna (or was it Donovan?)asked me how I chose my church when I got here. I told them it was all (mostly) about the pastor. And now he's leaving. I don't think I will make a conscious decision to leave with him, but who knows what will come in the future? If I can't grow... then I can't stay... as selfish as that sounds.

I have three papers (two in English, 1 in spanish) due in the next week- wednesday, thursday and monday (12th). I know i need to be working on them, but I keep falling asleep on my couch. I know i should be focused on them but, in the words of Norah Jones, "I've got to see you again"

j-j-j-j-joy

I'm a little early, but, that's okay. I think its time:

The previous list is found here, and if you go far enough back, you can find the first one I ever made in my junior year of high school.

(little) Things that bring me joy:
1. Days when my toe doesn't hurt
2. gchat with Rabah
3. contemplating rhinestones
4. good conversations
5. better hugs
6. dancing
7. sleep
8. weeks when nothing is due
9. chocolate graham crackers
10. daydreams
11. listening to the noise of Blakes closing at 2am
12. falling asleep talking
13. buying books

identity

So, I'm taking a post-colonial literature class this semester. And basically that boils down to the literature being all about identity. And the further I study identity, and how it's created in these novels in a believable way. The more nebulous it becomes. It's something that doesn't exist. There are just faces that you can put on for people and identity arises from the particular faces that arise more than others. In this way, we're all allowed to be a big bundle of contradictions because that's how we're created. Morals, intuitions, desires, all fighting each other, it's just what comes out first.

On that note, I've been thinking a lot. about nothing mostly, but on how I'm ready for more time to myself, more time with my friends... maybe even just more time making friends. I feel like I've forgotten how in some ways.

Alex keeps asking me what I want. and to be honest, I don't know. I'm really glad it didn't take much convincing to get Yakov to change the training stuff for the banquet. I'm excited.

I think I'm dying.

Summer will be: Work, Open Routines, Friends, Practice, Movies, Cooking, Grass, and so forth... how long has it been since one of my joy lists? I'll have to check.

Seasons of Love for sure.