Zero to hero

I've been reading a lot of mythology lately, and I must say, its some pretty wierd stuff. I never really thought about Zeus turning into a swan and having sex with Leda. She's having sex with a swan... whaaa??
and then there's always postthumous sex- somehow also including getting pregnant, and crossdressing. I have to say its pretty entertaining stuff... though I should give Ady his books back soon.

I'm excited for festivus.

"You are what you love, not what loves you"

Sometimes I look back at some posts I created- and never posted.. I think those are the ones that say more about me than anything I have posted.

I hate those times when I look in the mirror and I find everything wrong with my face. Those aren't good days. I think I'm prettier at night.

everything comes back to me. I don't know about anything going on outside jessica's little world of IB and college. Not really a fan of that, but I don't see myself doign anything about it.

I love fruit. if you look at persimmons closely it looks like they have cinnamon in them. they taste like they have cinnamon in them- i just dont' like it when they get slimy. I think my favorite fruit might be the white peach.. despite having found a grub in one once. it inched across the table in a lazy fat manner just as I bit into the half that I had cut.. it was exactly the same colour as the peach and squishy.

I'm a bit miffed J.C. likes to believe the worst in people. It seems whenever I try to have a little bit of respect for the guy, it comes crashing down. I find it depressing that Peter can give better messages than JC can despite going to seminary.

Age of Innocence is painful. East of eden was pretty amazing. not quite to the point of making me stop and wonder at Steinbeck's genious, but still good.

There's something about good ol' Jerome David that gives me shivers.

If I love books and writing so much, then why do I have such a hard time putting words together?

I hate being vulnerable. love's one of those things where you cut yourself open and you don't care what they do to you. Anything is justified. Isn't that horrifying.

Maybe I'm cutting myself open and you're still a hundred yards away. I'm waiting.

What the Doctor Ordered

Lately I haven't been so please with myself. I had been needy and whiny and I was generally annoying myself to the point where I wanted to separate and never see myself again. Today was a first good day in a long time.

RENT is amazing. to you musical haters (cough joe cough) go see it. I cried like I haven't cried before in a movie. It was amazing and I'm glad I wasn't dissapointed after Harry Potter. Original cast was a good plan because they were the ones who made these characters who they are- it wouldn't be the same with Justin Timberlake playing Roger (which- adam pascal is AMAZING). Dinner with Malorie was nice too. I hadn't been able to catch up with her in a long time.

Its going to be a good movie season. for the past two years I've been really dissapointed with the majority of the movies that have come out. They're making a movie out of V for Vendetta (which gives me an excuse to go buy it- instead of reading the couple pages of it every time its in a bookstore I'm in) Memoirs of a Geisha is coming out- i don't know how good of a movie it's going to be- but the book was pretty good- I want to see how they characterize Nobu. POTC 2 comes out next summer, as does Xmen 3- which.. if they set it up for a fourth, I'm going to be mad- because you need to stop somewhere. the previews for pride and prejudice make me want to see sense and sensibility again. I tried to read S&S and it was super boring.. I'm not a big fan of Chopin, Wharton, Ausin or the Brontes... I know there are other movies that I want to see that I'm not thinking of right now.

I started baking pie today- well i made the crust because it has to refrigerate over night- but.. I had forgotton how much I love baking. Its amazing to see how some different powders and liquids can mesh to form amazing food (that's usually amazingly bad for you)

I'm debating whether or not to go to T2 because I should be spending that time with my family.

A List of Thanks

last year I had a list of over a hundred thigns I'm thankful for. This year.. I'm cutting it back. these are the top 20 things I'm thankful for- in no particular order some are explained.. others don't need it.

1. my family
2. independance
3. God
4. creativity
5. time
6. Joe's Joeness
7. Peter Song for keepin it real with the youth group
8. swings
9. choice
10. SSP- esp. Kristine, Charlie, and Misha
11. Lauren's hugs
12. J.D. Salinger
13. intelligence
14. Self Esteem
15. not being high maintenence
16. Rabah's ability to make anything and everything poetic
17. Lunches and talks with Kaile
18. Social life to keep me sane
19. Ian's crazy ideas
20. sleep

that's not everything I'm thankful for..and sometimes I'm not thankful for them. butyou know what- this is a genuine list. Nothings on here because I'm obligated to put it on here because of who does and doesn't read this.

Happy Glutton day guys.

Tea and Time

There's something about green tea that beats out every other kind. I could drink a genuiune version of green tea- one that resembles more of a pea soup than a clear somewhat green liquid. It's amazing. no other can compare to that japanese goodness.

The time is coming where thankful lists are just around the corner. I wonder how much its changed- how much its stayed the same.

This time of the year has to be one of the worst- in terms of school, but one of the best in terms of fruit- though i'd have to say peach season is better than this persimmon/grape season. i just want to get through the next two days... and then Harry Potter... and then and then Rent... with amazing adam pascal, i'm super de duper excited for both.

I've given myself an until next wednesday deadline to talk to Charlie, Kristine and Misha.

Time to crack down.

I dunno man, I dunno.

I went and saw Malorie today in Little Women, it was pretty sweet, i thinkt hat was one of my favorite books as a kid. and you know.. I was thinking about it during the musical, and really, most of my favorite books and movies have been about writers, or writing or something to that extent. Maybe I make them my favorites becasue it seems right, maybe I'm simply drawn to them. I think its the Latter.

There's something about talent that's unattainable for me. I guess sometimes I feel mediocre at best next to certain people. Maybe I'm pulling myself in too many directions. I've got this image of these strings, not unlike ian's wax-wires that are pulling at me, and eventually splatter me across this room as limbs and my nose go flying across the room. I don't want to be mediocre. I want to be amazing.

being teeny-bopper

I guess you could say that this week has been pretty busy, but its been a good week. Today I watched the Gilmore Girls I taped yesterday, and I must say that it was the highlight of my week so far. Why you ask? Jess comes back. what an awesome loveable character he makes. I feel like i'm back in eigth grade attaching all those last names to mine. Not that K ever reads this (and she's the only one who'll get it except perhaps kaile) I was Jessica Shim Park Park Kim Bloom Bloom.. but it went on forever. I've narrowed my list.. checked it twice and I come up with one name. Milo Ventimiglia. what a freaking hottie. Maybe its just the 'jess' character he plays, but seriously... waaay more attracted to him than probably any other actor, though I may admire other's acting abilities more.

Gilmore Girls has yes gotten worse since the third season (its now in its 6th), but its the little 'Jess is back' episodes that keep me going... keep me watching. That episode made me want to go out and buy season two and three for the jessosity- but i don't have that kind of money.

I made cake for the cake walk tomorrow. it's going to be fun.

"I love you."
"I love cake."

Not time to crack down yet.

There's something about the ending of "Hey Jude" that makes me smile. maybe it's the memories of my dad trying to imitate them, maybe its because it's in the beginning of the Royal Tenenbaums, maybe its because we all stood around a table swaying to it singing the nanananananana Hey Judes at Key Leader. but that song is just associated with good times.

November's super busy. like super-de-duper busy. I love it and hate it at the same time.

I love real compliments and at the same time i dont' know how to handle them.

I haven't talked to my sisters in a long time.

Have you ever just wanted to do something big do something great? I think one of my biggest desires is to be affective. no not effective. affective. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not.

East of Eden is a pretty amazing book. I haven't quite finished it yet. but still. I'm reminded of the intro he wrote in Cannery Row- if you have it, go look at it. his imagery just makes me warm and fuzzy.

float on.

I avoid confrontation. I can't hurt other people. I don't care if I'm hurting myself in the process. I can handle it. How the hell am I supposed to know if they can? Its disgusting. I do it anyway no matter the self-disgust factor. I can get over it. Oh you want me to lay my jacket down over that slushy muddy puddle? Well.. I bought it yesterday with all the money I had and have been saving up for it.. but okay. I take the women's way out and I end up complaining to everyone except who should hear it. is it going to change anytiem soon? well maybe I could complain less about it. that way I don't really bother whoever doesn't want to hear about it, but are too nice to say so. I'm sitting in this corner.. hello? can you see me? I'd wave my arm but it seems like I gave that to you a long time ago.courage fails. resignation creeps in. Life continues on.

Dreams be Dreams

I wish I were telepathetic
I wish something monumentally good would happen.
I wish I could just lie down and hear life.

I'm being whiny... ignore me.

It's disorienting when you don't realise how tired you really are.

Done.

So the extended essay is nicely over 3500 words (3517), and polished and pretty. For those who want to know it is "An Exploration of the Use of the Antihero in Noir Fiction" though now I really wish I had persued my original thought on Salinger or Gaiman instead of this... cop-out essay. oh well its done.. which means I'm one step closer to being done with the crap IB makes us put up with.

BBmak is pretty amazing. yay for boy bands. I need to be able to control my off days better. really I do. What would YOU do with a trillion dolars?

Dominos has some mighty good but mighty expensive breaksticks.

On Friday I bowled two games with my youth group.. I shared my 2nd game with Caroline. 1st game: 34. 2nd game 50-something. It was pretty amazing. Ildae taught me how to put spin on my ball. I rock at the bowling game.

I'm going to make an effort to learn more about my faith instead of being one of those ignorant annoyances who simply spout what they've heard in church without their own interpretations of the Biblia.

church is getting better- more bearable.

Finch is amazing.. not just pretty amazing.

I need to finish my essays and not worry about it. I'm ready for everyone to start talking about what classes they're taking and saying where their from and having to wear shoes in the shower and so on.

I'm ready for the next 24 weeks to go by quickly.

Life got better post-Extended Essay.

Breaking my Fall

So as of now. I realise tv is such a waste of time- and yet I watch it anyway.. when I'm really interested in what's on because I dont' want to do work.

My parents think 10:00 is late. and it still bugs me.

The mall is a waste of time- I really don't enjoy shopping.

So far I've watched serenity, office space, house of flying daggers, and the mighty ducks
I have yet to see high fidelity, pulp fiction, resovoir dogs and fight club.. though I doubt I'll see all of those in the next four days.

I have yet to look at my EE. Yet to open a text book... though I've been getting a fair way on apps.

I laugh at myself a lot- for the same reason I say just kidding a lot.

There is such a thing as a hot asian man.

refridgerated peanut butter > non refridgerated

Triple contractions are sweet..

okay

I think If I came home less often I'd want to do it more.

I love going to other people's houses and seeing how different each smell.

Some people I know associate people with colors or objects. I think I associate them with a certain movement. It's kinda crazy.. even If i don't remmeber how someone looks all the time.. i know how they move, or I have a picture of it in my head.

I'm exercising... gasp... it's alright.. but I suck at it.

Sometimes its nice not to talk, especially in cars.

As much as I hate to admit it sometimes.. I am such a woman.

randomity and money.

sometimes... taking a two hour nap is nice... until you realise there's more to do than you thought. eff.

On another note, I am no longer wigged out... because sleeping on it helps. as does talking to Joe.

Pelican is a pretty awesome name for a band.

Money keeps draining away. seventy dollars here.. fifty dollars there... three hundred and eighty six there.... sixty five there... there... and there...and this isn't really for me directly... its for me about ten months later. i'm guessing all application fees.. ap tests.... and IB tests come to about $1,236 What sucks is you can no longer take both Physics C tests for one fee... just as you can't for the Govs and the other joint tests.

I feel like I eat money. I need to get a job.

two pairs of my three pairs of jeans ripped...hopefully my third pair don't decide to die on me- jeans are expensive.

I dont' know when I got so money conscious. I guess because I use so much of it these days. I wish I weren't.

song ofthe day: me and julio down by the schoolyard

ToK

listening to people and thinking about stuff while generally spacing out put me in a wierd mood.
I shouldn't be allowed to think. I'm happier when I don't.

an uneventful post

This weekend has been pretty damn awesome.
I had forgotten how much I enjoy science bowl.

Kaitlin is the same as ever she cooked me food and we watched Firefly.. which is pretty good. I stole Finding neverland from her and I watched that. I also got a call from Rusty that night and we talked. What an awesome kid.

Saturday I spent filling out applications/writing essays and with my mom. We had about a three hour lunch, and then we went out to dinner together too. I watched Equilibrium.. it was fairly good- but predictable. I started looking at the SAT again. what a pain.

Today was pretty awesome. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time, like Rebecca and semi. I got to swing and do other business like that- though I probably should have come home sooner. oh well. maybe I'll watch another movie tonight.

You said we'd be together forever.

Right now, I really miss people. Not necessarily just Harvard kids, which I do, but the people I'd known throughout my life.

Its so crazy to think about how many people have affected me in a positive way. I think the whole tabula rasa idea is mostly correct, we've got some stuff that's genetic, but really, personality wise, we're our own environment. and think. if we tried to raise me again, I wouldn't be the same, even if I were around all the same people, because everything would be slightly different, I wouldn't have heard the same things, people would have said things differently, or I would have seen too much or something. I wouldn't be me.

I've said this already, but getting random messages, here, IM, facebook or otherwise or phonecalls from old friends, and I guess you could say mentors... makes me so happy. I do look forward to the future, but I cling to the past because... well... its stable. And you can let all the bad things, and all the embarassing things turn into a haze and let the good times shine through.

I think I'll write Christine a letter, I'll send Kristine a package, I'll call Charlie, Rusty, and Misha and Chong and Hollen, I'll track down Stella, and Bogo, and Ildae, and Sam and Beast, I don't know. life is short, there are too little cell phone minutes. Can't I just let them alone? But I can't. because all of them have affected me in such humongous ways its ridiculous.

I'm going to hang out with kaitlin now. I haven't seen her since August.

I miss Joyce.

College is going to be great- but what happens when I start missing all the people I see everyday now- becuase there's so many more of you?

Why does everything have to come back to college?

Climbing the Stairs in a Box

There's a lot of whining in this post. Just so you know.

I don't know if I'd like it if there were a lot of people like me. I'm very unsociable, outside a certain couple of people, i dont' like to make the effort. I'm ready for change. I'm ready for something other than smoky hill. I'm ready for living in dorms.

I think I enjoy being called dumb more so than I like being called smart. Maybe because only people I like call me dumb.. whereas people I dont' really care about so much call me smart... even though some people I care about call me smart too. It's just an obnoxious thing.

I often think about what the worth (other than name value) going to a high-end higher education institution would be. I mean, its not like I can't get a good education at boulder. I don't know. Maybe if I were doing something like astrophysics or Biomedical engineering or something I could go somewhere specialized like MIT or something. but Liberal arts? I just... I don't know.. I want to go I want to explore. I want to surround myself with people who are pretentious.. and have a right to be pretentious... and then find those few who aren't- even though they have a right to be. Do I even need a high education? i don't know.

I calculated it and if you have starbuck every single day (3 bucks ish) you're spending $1080 dollars a year. what a waste of money.

in someways senior year is pretty cool. in others.. it kinda sucks.

I can't focus. Help me focus.

Have you gotten to the part in East of Eden- its not very far in- where Adam gives Alice little presents, and after Charles beats him, she says "He doens't think his father loves him. But you love him-- you always have" and then she goes on saying that Charles is the one giving her presents. I don't know why, but that scene makes me really sad.

I need a good cry, a movie, or a book. something. I think i'm going to rent Finding Neverland this weekend. I'm in the mood for something artsy and sad. I wish we had a TV that wasn't in the middle of the house. it makes it difficult to become absorbed.

I've been off since before MUN. i don't know what it is. I don't feel like myself.

"I see it around me, I see it in everything
I could be so much more than this..."

Key Leader Conference

This weekend was exactly what I needed- a place away from complaints and college and petty self-indulgence. our speaker was so full of energy, it was hard not to be yourself. I hope I can keep this level of motivation/energy for a long time. If not, oh well, but I feel refreshed.

It was one of those times I had to ask.. who can deny that there is a higher being? I had never gone up to the mountains at this time in the fall, pre-snow. so I've never seen the aspen when they're turning. against the dark of the pines.. it's amazing. I only wish curfew wasn't so enforced.. and the outdoor lighs weren't turned on.. and then I could have stargazed.

At the same time, I wonder how real this can be. How genuine is energy if you create it? how genuine is confidence if you trick yoruself into thinking you are? at what point is it not pretending anymore?

I made goals before. and I haven't stuck to them before.. but here. keep me accountable.

1. I'm going to write one story a month at least. a full fledged story, not one of my random line incoherent ones. (November is nanowrimo. maybe i'll do it.)
2. I'm going to stop taking naps so often. I realise how much time is wasted. I can have just as much energy even if it has been 19 hours of draining energy.
3. I'm going to start exersizing. running/lifting. It's ridiculous how out of shape I am.
I burned my tongue badly. now I know why my mom said never drink hot things through straws. damn hot chocolate. However, starbucks now has caramel apple cider. amazing stuff.

EE's are due on teh 31st.. w00t.

I might watch adaptation tonight.. if I can finish my chem..

Song of the day: Banana Pancakes