"to not touch your skin is not why i sing"

How is it that best friends can capture exactly how you're feeling at a moment? How is it that even though we haven't talked much this past month, we can still be in a similar state of being?

If you haven't read this post (by Rabah) here: It's beautiful... and nostalgic... and sad... and poignant.

My pastor told us on Sunday that he was leaving as of June 1. I don't know what to make of that. Funny how on Friday, Dianna (or was it Donovan?)asked me how I chose my church when I got here. I told them it was all (mostly) about the pastor. And now he's leaving. I don't think I will make a conscious decision to leave with him, but who knows what will come in the future? If I can't grow... then I can't stay... as selfish as that sounds.

I have three papers (two in English, 1 in spanish) due in the next week- wednesday, thursday and monday (12th). I know i need to be working on them, but I keep falling asleep on my couch. I know i should be focused on them but, in the words of Norah Jones, "I've got to see you again"

j-j-j-j-joy

I'm a little early, but, that's okay. I think its time:

The previous list is found here, and if you go far enough back, you can find the first one I ever made in my junior year of high school.

(little) Things that bring me joy:
1. Days when my toe doesn't hurt
2. gchat with Rabah
3. contemplating rhinestones
4. good conversations
5. better hugs
6. dancing
7. sleep
8. weeks when nothing is due
9. chocolate graham crackers
10. daydreams
11. listening to the noise of Blakes closing at 2am
12. falling asleep talking
13. buying books

identity

So, I'm taking a post-colonial literature class this semester. And basically that boils down to the literature being all about identity. And the further I study identity, and how it's created in these novels in a believable way. The more nebulous it becomes. It's something that doesn't exist. There are just faces that you can put on for people and identity arises from the particular faces that arise more than others. In this way, we're all allowed to be a big bundle of contradictions because that's how we're created. Morals, intuitions, desires, all fighting each other, it's just what comes out first.

On that note, I've been thinking a lot. about nothing mostly, but on how I'm ready for more time to myself, more time with my friends... maybe even just more time making friends. I feel like I've forgotten how in some ways.

Alex keeps asking me what I want. and to be honest, I don't know. I'm really glad it didn't take much convincing to get Yakov to change the training stuff for the banquet. I'm excited.

I think I'm dying.

Summer will be: Work, Open Routines, Friends, Practice, Movies, Cooking, Grass, and so forth... how long has it been since one of my joy lists? I'll have to check.

Seasons of Love for sure.

Hello Friends, Lovers and B-Boys

I thought i'd start out with this: and say that well.. I want to be a B-girl.. but since that's a nigh impossible dream... I'll just watch the you tube videos.

There's a lot of work that I have to do. a lot. a lot. a lot. I'm just lazy and I don't want to do it. It's like .... i don't know there's something that's inhibiting me from doing it.

I'm moving into my living room. Rubal and I are splitting up... not really.. but sort of. I'm taking over the living room, and she gets the bedroom. I'm paying less rent, and so forth for being the walk through room, the smaller room, the smell absorbing room... I think it's for the best.

I just need a week of non-time. can I have that? can I please?

I had a good time last night, watching disney movies, hanging out with a strange group of people. getting to know them. I like making new friends, when you can't go wrong, and you don't know the dirty deep secrets about them that make them slightly less attractive (but at that point in time, it doesn't matter because the good stuff has already been magnified)

I feel like I'm losing my anchors. where did you go? where did you go? where did you go?

pete and repeat.

I'm listening to Ska P

I don't know why i wrote that title. Good night

20 -2hours

Blearggghhh is what my system is saying to me most days now.

I don't want to go to work,
I don't want to practice
and I most definitely don't want to study.

Today I had a private lesson with Roberta... who is all things magic, made our promenades look worlds better and helped me with my arm thing. the limp arm thing. the thing I've been trying to fix since August. and suddenly it makes sense from a very nonsensical- you roll your shoulders back and this creates a sense of pressure between your hands and your partner. er.. did that make any sense to anyone? I doubt it.

I need to cut some sort of extra curricular out. I don't know what. Ballroom I guess makes the most sense to cut out (its the least beneficial outside of college) but.. it's also the most enjoyable and that's kind of out of the question at this point.

I need to work on finishing my ideas/thoughts instead of getting distracted by digressions. I know I've said that before.

happy birthday to me.

Welcome Back to B(allroom)erkeley

As soon as I got back, I was whisked off to the SF Open where i proceeded to watch professionals Eugene Katsevman and Maria Manusova work it.

Got my 3rd birthday present (SUPADANCE SHOES!!!!!!!). 1, they're way more stable than my old Very Fine pair, 2. They're pretty, 3. They're also half an inch lower.. (now 2.5" instead of 3") which in addition to the more stable bit makes the dancing easier on my feet. 4. ...did i mention they were pretty? but they're really dark.. i may have to tan to match the color.. which er.. yeah... should probably get some pro-tan too.

Had an hour and half "welcome back to Yakov" meeting.

Went back to practice... need to get back into the habit of practicing for extended periods of time so that I can build endurance.. should probably also go running or something.

I am about to alter the underskirt to my standard gown to fit and also make a latin costume..

...and will hopefully read for Spanish within the next few hours.

It's as if two weeks is too long for ballroom to be away from me.

I should look for classes for Fall.. and more last minute internships

Bookends and Old Friends

I guess I haven't been updating that often this semester. I think this is like when you meet old friends and ask each other how the semester is going.. there's no real good answer except "good" or "bad" or "so-so". Its as if that length of time has to be diminished to a couple of words in a sentence. or generalised. because we (I at least) can't manage to think of important specific occasion on the spot. Maybe.. I went to Boston, or I hate my post Col. teacher.. which makes the class almost unbearable. or something... maybe the generic questions requires a generic answer, and the quality of the answer is only based on the quality of the question?

But outside of that, I saw Ian and Joe, both of whom i haven't seen, or corresponded with over the past three months or so. Had coffee with Rabah, and can't bear to think that this is, perhaps the last that I'll get to see of her for the next six months. Now that I'm home, I think a lot more about the people that I still want to know, but that I don't. like Yang, Foote, Ian, Kristine, and Joe. I hear about them from different people, or I occasionally visit their facebooks and leave a comment, but in all seriousness, I don't really talk to them at all. nor can i say I'm really their friends anymore. Its my fault, and i guess they can share half the blame if they care to still know me too, but I get so caught up in what's going on at Berkeley. I don't have time to sleep, let alone eat much.. meaning i spend more money getting food from the asian ghetto, or I live on peanut butter sandwiches which isn't enough food.

I should get one of those bracelets where every tie you complain you have to switch wrists... after 24 hours I'd probably just take it off because it'd be in transit so often.

Snowboarding, Colin & Dylah, Inroads application, Scholarship Essays, stalk career.berkeley.edu, God of Small Things, Education Reader, Sponsorship letters, Lunch with Kaile,

It's already Wednesday. no complaining.

procratinate!

another essay... another blog post. yay procrastination. it's really hard to concentrate on something you're not quite invested in. or that you're not inspired for. I think i rely too much on my teachers to present texts in a way that become interesting to me, and therefore, I can only write essays on texts that I like.

I don't think i make any sense right now.

I wish i didn't have to write this paper so that I could spend more time with Rabah and we didn't have to do this vegging at home while she watches Adaptation and I write this essay. which should be motivation to work harder now so i don't do this all week. but so hard so hard.. and complaining again.

I"m ready for graham cracker cake, SF, Swing dancing, and home.

i'm going to die early if i keep having to write papers

This paper only took me 5 hours, three cans of soda, a chipotle burrito, 1/4 of a pacakage of Nutter Butters, half a carton of cookies, toffee stolen from Rubal, GChat with Rabah and couple of youtube videos to finish. which is pretty good. I think I had more saturated fat in the last three days than i usually do in a month.. not that i really care too much.

I still have to proofread, and make my Spanish intro paragraph less.. crappy.

Alex says we're at the point where we're good enough to start dancing the "real way" and therefore.. we are once again at the point where I'm frustrated by how much i suck. and I wish I could practice more.. but no. I already spend too much time there and end up in situations like the whole of this week.

I'm excited for Small Group night on Friday. and for stoning with Dianna tomorrow.. because well.. who doesn't want to hunch over a dress and apply rhinestones one... by one... by one...

I re read my last post and realised that as soon as I started talking about something.. i never finished my idea.

back to real work.

too much food on my plate

I check my blog a lot. And I always come to this page to update it. and then i write a sentence or two, and realise that what i'm saying doesn't matter, and that i have to go to some class or run around in circles for a while or something other than spend time on the internet. Which i do too much of.

You know what would be a great thing to give up for lent? Email. hahahaha Yakov would kill me... and i'd never get to speak to Rabah. I don't usually do lent.. mostly because i can't think up anything to get rid of. internet is an obvious choice, but i can't because some of my reponsibility comes in the form of the internet. Candy/unhealthy foods? maybe. but then again, if I don't eat that, there may be sometimes when i'm not eating at all, which i think is far worse. I should just endeavor to go to the grocery store more... which means bug AJ more.. which means... spending money more. I'm always sad when produce goes bad. All of our potatoes have sprouted.

I like studying with Nuri. She's thoughtfully observant in a way that is very endearing to me. I think all people should be thoughtfully observant in their own ways. I don't understand how people go through life without understanding.

Last week was bad. here's to this week being better. Two weeks til Classic. Three weeks til Sandiego, Four weeks til Harvard, and Five weeks til Rabah! I need to be on TOP of my school work so that I can do all of these other things.

I need to find Janet a Birfday Present.

Inadvertent Caffeine

I drank a can of coke, and a Arizona Black and white tea (which is super tasty). I forgot that either have caffeine in them. but i suppose they did me well since.. i have yet to start my Spanish response. Which, I'm spectacularly happy about being in that class. Now I have to decide between Education 143 (Teaching English) and Architecture 170B (History of Arch. 1400 through present)They're oth time consuming in different ways. One's with Sharla, the other is with half of FiCB.

It's interesting to note how work gets done in different organizations. there always has to be an initiator in all processes. On that note, we have a new Publicity Coordinator. Marta is amazing... better than I had hoped.

It happened so fast this semester. there was no time to slack off. just go go go, and already we're having to write papers and annotate bibliographies for future papers and interview teachers and things of this nature. Where did the time go?

I'm going to sleep by 2:45. er.. maybe.

it's too early for to do lists

This semester isn't quite that enjoyable right now.. despite the fact that I like all of my teachers.

A real post soon. Tomorrow perhaps

Find/Read Architecture book
Write Dash article
Read John Dewey/response paper
Read Sp poem/response paper
Find research topic for Architecture
Contact Sponsors (again)
Stat problem set
Read "In an Antique Land"
Scholarship essays
Apply for internships

So Cold

There's going to be a lot of work this semester.

I don't feel like writing right now. I'll finish this later.

but... I still exist... I suppose.

onwards and forwards

I've just come back from a ski trip with Dan, Sharla, Robert, Dianna, Donovan and Kevin which was fun, and a good relaxation time. I'm also just about to head off on an all FICb retreat from Friday to Sunday which should be as good, and even more of a vacation from emails and the stress of making sure everything is run smoothly and securely for this upcoming semester. That hopefully nothing goes wrong, and if it does, there was nothing else I could do about it.

My right shoulder is sore. For the first time in about two years I fell hard coming off the lift. Once, it was because Robert's pole was planted right in front of my board, the second time, was because of pure stupidity or the rental board or something. I don't know.

I just... want this semester to go smoothly. very smoothly.

Hope is a very good motivator, and also sometimes very unsatisfactory. I never finished my Dash article. Perhaps the church retreat will help.

goes on and on, yes it does

I'm in a bit of a quandry. I don't know what to do about writing anymore. I can't write. Janet Burroway says that writers block doesn't exist. it's existence depends on fear. Fear of writing something that you want to , or perhaps need to write. I don't think that's it. I feel like Richard Madoc who's mind is so blank that he has to rape a muse (Calliope, the muse of epic poetry) in order to write anything at all... and of course it's good. except I don't have a muse to rape- nor would I rape her if I did.
I don't know what to do with the rest of my three days here. Time doesn't match up like it should. I should have started earlier- how did I know I was going to say that? I guess I should know myself by now.
I'm ready for this upcoming week- where I can get away from all of this crap work that I have to do, but somehow I know it will be worse as soon as I get back.
Janet tells me maybe I should re-evaluate my priorities. Maybe I should. Maybe I will. apparently my mother thinks I'm losing focus. that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
In an email with the subject line "its not too late" Yakov sends me the latest entry in Stanley Fish's blog: "Will the Humanities save us?" and while i disagree innately with his arguement. I can't help but think that perhaps he is right. He says "To the question “of what use are the humanities?”, the only honest answer is none whatsoever" ( http://fish.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/01/06/will-the-humanities-save-us/). He continues to state that this answer "brings honor to the subject" i don't know. can I justify to myself something that has no use? I don't see any other way.

"...But where do you go to, my lovely? when you're alone in your bed.."

Vomit you out

I am avoiding my Ballroom email box tonight... i hope i haven't left whatever off for too long. and i must finish calling my sponsors.
I think things are always harder in my head than it seems. yesterday i had a sequel dream, i can't remember much of the first. only that yesterday I was being chased along with others in some sort of zeppelin that looked like a flying blow up raft that runs with a motor and gasoline for apparently ~25 teddy bears of varying size(perhaps the teddy bears weren't in fact important, and were instead hiding, i don't know, cocaine or something.) The scariest part i think of my dream was that underneath the house we were escaping from, was about twenty flights of downward stairs, at the bottom of which, there was an escalator... where another family lived and here were these teddy bears in this lost basement of sorts it was all very secretive and hollywood like. I apparently also had to pack lighter than I had, and I was forced to leave mountain of clothing and things behind in the scary lady's house. Perhaps my dream is telling me to leave personal baggage behind (or figure out what is leave-behindable) and to instead go save the ...teddy bears... from impending doom and misuse. I don't know where this stuff comes from.
When I was at my sister's church today, the pastor was talking about mediocrity. Particularly Christian mediocrity. the key passage being "So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will vomit you out of my mouth." (Revelation 3:16). Apparently there are two rivers in Laodicea, one cold and one from the hot springs which meet and merge in order to create a new river of no value, where as the two previous had purpose. Even if my purpose is to save the teddy bears, I should do it knowing that that is my purpose and that is the best I can do at this moment. God gave me gifts and talents right? i should be using them?
My immediate future for both this semester, and this summer are at this moment very nebulous. I don't know what will happen to me. I'm unsure about everything from whether what I'm doing currently is right, to whether or not I can get a job this summer, to even the smallest things of extra curriculars and friends and how much time i should be spending on these things.
I worry too much. And there is so much to do that I shouldn't be leaving for tomorrow, but that will have to do. I think there's a to-do list coming. Oh yes. first of 2008 (it's going to be great according to my dentist)

To-Do:
1. Look up and apply to at least 10 scholarships (preferrably more)
2. Fix Resume
3. Look up and apply to at least 8 internships for the summer, both paid and unpaid
4. Look at notes from meeting last thursday, and finish that stuff
5. Write Dash article
6. go to CO ski and Golf and look at travel bags for snowboards.
7. finish contacting sponsors

There are two things I want to try to do everyday this week starting tomorrow:
- floss once daily
- read my bible.

onwards and forwards. I'm going back in a week.

Murble.

Right now I wish I had done more work over the past week, so that it isn't catching up with me. However, logically, I know that even if I had.. there's always more work to be done. I need to start writing my Dash article, and calling sponsors...

I think I'll go swing dancing instead

2007 in retrospect

This year had been pretty dynamic and monotonous at the same time. January seems like such a long time ago. I don't feel very different, but as Paul Simon says, "No it isn't strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same"

Can I compare my freshman year and my sophomore year in college to those of High school? probably. Are they going to be exactly the same? I'm not quite sure. I've said this somewhere before that freshman year was a year of transition. We're forced to make new friends, make our own decisions whether that be personal, or practical or whatever. I made a lot of mistakes, became less idealistic, lost some respect for myself, kept some, and overall let things kind of fall where they may. I think most of this past spring was spent looking backwards and trying to figure out how all that stuff, all that wonderful, painful glorious stuff from the past four (more like two) years was going to fit into this new place with new people. And whether that person that had formed would work at Berkeley. I think I treated the beginning of Freshman year (fall 2006) like another version of leaving home for a short period of time. What i did at Harvard, what I did at CTD was thought to be equivalent of this. And then Winter break came. and I saw people again. and it wasn't the same, and unlike before, it felt handicapping to try to keep it the same. So I moved on.
Spring 2007 I spent dissatisfied with what I had started out doing in Berkeley. I felt stuck by the decisions I had made in the Fall, but, I held to and finished out the year still knowing that this is where I wanted to be, even if I hadn't done anything of consequence. I was noticed more than I thought I would be- I became president, and got a job, and received my first grade below 3.0 and continued to be stupid in some regards, and well.. I suppose I'll always continue to be stupid in some regards.
I got my first apartment. Started to pay rent. Realised that every little thing that you don't think about like.. dish towels and silverware cost money, shelled out a lot of money that isn't mine, but I saw how much work goes into making that little bit. and bought pot/pans, a bookshelf, storage, tables and chairs, a bed, for the apartment... not realising that well.. this makes it seem like my apartment and not both mine and Rubal's. but more on that later.
This summer I learned I had administrative skills, the ability to prioritize and how hard it really is to cook for yourself. Friendships were random and funny. I had a stage of hanging out with pretty much only Ballroom people because it was.. well. easy. so easy to do so, because i saw them every night anyways. I think Summer was also my first time in a long time without a distraction in the form of the male half of the species. Too bad that didn't continue into the fall. Summer seems now like a time I spent for myself. I didn't see many people, granted i did some ballroom work, but i didn't think about doing things for other people during that time. Looking back it feels almost selfish. I think this was a year of becoming more and more selfish though helping people.
Fall drops into my lap. and suddenly there's school, and Rubal, and 190 people to take care of on the team that weren't there during the summer. One of the first things that sticks out is the prayer meeting at my apartment. I at least tried at the beginning of the semester to incorporate myself into that group. I still am I suppose.. I can't help but feel that I'm not trying hard enough. Or that I haven't gotten to know everyone. which is a bummer. and kinda makes me feel like an odd wheel. Ballroom made me realise how dumb and incompetent people are. perhaps, those aren't the right words. maybe just selfish. David Shis made a comment on how he saw everyone who became an officer come out jaded and burnt out. I think i've got both. Just the sheer lack of good will and grubbing that people do makes me want to be more selfish. I think it HAS made me more selfish. I don't think that's a good thing. I also think my Pride has gone through the roof. I need to get humble. I think I can do more than i should. One example of that is Dash. the new christian journal. I like it. I want to do it. i think it'll help me augment my faith a lot. I don't know. i don't have time for it. but it's so along the lines of what I want to do. so I've picked that up lets see how it turns out.
AJ throughout the summer and fall has become one of my best friends. I think my random decision to take him to see Dj Qbert with me last spring was well done.
I got my first real injury- well.. at a time when it really matters to me. in a very stupid way- and it's still broken, I had a steroid injected into my joint and well a week after that shot, its still a bit swollen and it aches when its cold. i don't know.
For the past 4ish years I think there hasn't been a time when I didn't have a crush on some boy- except perhaps this summer. but most of those times, it was more of a "it won't go any further than this" and even if it had then... it wasn't meant to. Its rare that I (rationally) want something to go past the general fun flirty part of crushing. happened this fall...for perhaps the third time in my life. Nothings going to come of it, but I like respecting people, and knowing that people I can see myself perhaps being compatible with DO exist.
One thing that I don't like, and I don't find flattering is being crushed on. I realised this past year that either, A. I'm good at flirting, or B. I'm more attractive than I think I am. meaning that more boys than I want to seem to want to be more than friends. It's disheartening when I just want to have good solid relationships with people and well.. it won't happen because of damn hormones. I suppose this means I should flirt less, and I should be more conservative. Does that mean repressing a part of myself?
Sometime this year I feel like I've become my own person. Well... I always was to people outside my family, but somewhere deep down before this year, I idolized my sisters as semi-perfect people, people I would like to model myself against exactly. and while I still would like to take some aspects of their lives and apply it to my own, I don't think it would be easier to be them. I see faults in them that perhaps I didn't see before, and well, it makes it easier to be myself and not look to them for everything. But I'm still learning this.
On my roommate situation, sometimes I feel like I'm babysitting, or taking care of Rubal. I stopped leaving the bills for her month on her side of the table, and instead I'm paying them and having her pay me. I lent her about half of my savings to go on a weekend trip to BC, which I haven't had returned to me in full, and if we're splitting grocery bills, then I don't want so much food that it all goes bad. There's something like a lack of common sense that I sometimes get, and it's slightly infuriating. Saying that, Rubal is still a good roommate. She doesn't mind when I do things that would infuriate any other person I would live with, and I'm grateful for that.
Over all, 2005 was a year of experimentation, 2006 was a year of transition and 2007 was a year of letting the parts congeal into something greater than the sum of these parts, as Alan Moore said. But perhaps... it's just an illusion of permanence.

2008. whatever may come will come. I won't make any resolutions other than this: I can always be a better person. Don't stagnate even if we come out more or less the same.

la la land

I don't know which is worse, trying hard to be normal.. or trying hard to be abnormal. Maybe they both seem pathetic to me (even though I'm guilty of the same things) because people are trying so hard to be something that they're not. but perhaps.. practice makes perfect right?

I don't know what to do at home. There's a lot of people I want to see, and yet.. I'm so lethargic that i end up just napping.. and not even spending time with my family at home. I notice a lot of grass-is-greener syndrome in me. I always want to be where I'm not. I've been getting wanderlust a lot lately. I need to go somewhere away from Berkeley and away from Denver... hopefully my trips to SD and Harvard this semester will be worth it.

I suppose I should be thinking about New Years Resolutions... and maybe now, instead of back in November I should be playing some FiF and being emo about how nothing changes... but it does, subtly if you want to notice it. I've always claimed to be an observer, someone who doesn't participate but rather analyses. Maybe this is the year to apply what I've learned from other people. maybe I just need to observe myself more.

Do you ever feel like you're moving backwards in time?

My life plays through my head like a movie.

"No one else will have me like you do..."

There are somethings that are worth looking forward to. Namely, seeing old friends. I suppose I should be more specific than that. Seeing old friend you know have missed you too. Rabah comes home in one day.

I'm looking at internships in SF right now.. and I have to say that well.. I'm pretty unqualified for most of them. pretty damn unqualified. I suppose this is where I start to take a whole bunch of marketing, and econ classes, and hope that at the end of the next two? one and a half? years I'm going to know enough.. or seem like I know enough to get some sort payment. I got really indignant when my doctor was like.. you're majoring in English... oh.

Probably shouldn't even be doing that. C+ in Shakespeare. daaaamn. Why do teachers and GSI's count so much for what my final grade ends up as? I can't even retake it to replace that grade. on the other hand, a good solid A in modern Brit/American lit. oofta. I'm a (not so) secret grade whore.

what am I doing with my life?