2007 in retrospect

This year had been pretty dynamic and monotonous at the same time. January seems like such a long time ago. I don't feel very different, but as Paul Simon says, "No it isn't strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same"

Can I compare my freshman year and my sophomore year in college to those of High school? probably. Are they going to be exactly the same? I'm not quite sure. I've said this somewhere before that freshman year was a year of transition. We're forced to make new friends, make our own decisions whether that be personal, or practical or whatever. I made a lot of mistakes, became less idealistic, lost some respect for myself, kept some, and overall let things kind of fall where they may. I think most of this past spring was spent looking backwards and trying to figure out how all that stuff, all that wonderful, painful glorious stuff from the past four (more like two) years was going to fit into this new place with new people. And whether that person that had formed would work at Berkeley. I think I treated the beginning of Freshman year (fall 2006) like another version of leaving home for a short period of time. What i did at Harvard, what I did at CTD was thought to be equivalent of this. And then Winter break came. and I saw people again. and it wasn't the same, and unlike before, it felt handicapping to try to keep it the same. So I moved on.
Spring 2007 I spent dissatisfied with what I had started out doing in Berkeley. I felt stuck by the decisions I had made in the Fall, but, I held to and finished out the year still knowing that this is where I wanted to be, even if I hadn't done anything of consequence. I was noticed more than I thought I would be- I became president, and got a job, and received my first grade below 3.0 and continued to be stupid in some regards, and well.. I suppose I'll always continue to be stupid in some regards.
I got my first apartment. Started to pay rent. Realised that every little thing that you don't think about like.. dish towels and silverware cost money, shelled out a lot of money that isn't mine, but I saw how much work goes into making that little bit. and bought pot/pans, a bookshelf, storage, tables and chairs, a bed, for the apartment... not realising that well.. this makes it seem like my apartment and not both mine and Rubal's. but more on that later.
This summer I learned I had administrative skills, the ability to prioritize and how hard it really is to cook for yourself. Friendships were random and funny. I had a stage of hanging out with pretty much only Ballroom people because it was.. well. easy. so easy to do so, because i saw them every night anyways. I think Summer was also my first time in a long time without a distraction in the form of the male half of the species. Too bad that didn't continue into the fall. Summer seems now like a time I spent for myself. I didn't see many people, granted i did some ballroom work, but i didn't think about doing things for other people during that time. Looking back it feels almost selfish. I think this was a year of becoming more and more selfish though helping people.
Fall drops into my lap. and suddenly there's school, and Rubal, and 190 people to take care of on the team that weren't there during the summer. One of the first things that sticks out is the prayer meeting at my apartment. I at least tried at the beginning of the semester to incorporate myself into that group. I still am I suppose.. I can't help but feel that I'm not trying hard enough. Or that I haven't gotten to know everyone. which is a bummer. and kinda makes me feel like an odd wheel. Ballroom made me realise how dumb and incompetent people are. perhaps, those aren't the right words. maybe just selfish. David Shis made a comment on how he saw everyone who became an officer come out jaded and burnt out. I think i've got both. Just the sheer lack of good will and grubbing that people do makes me want to be more selfish. I think it HAS made me more selfish. I don't think that's a good thing. I also think my Pride has gone through the roof. I need to get humble. I think I can do more than i should. One example of that is Dash. the new christian journal. I like it. I want to do it. i think it'll help me augment my faith a lot. I don't know. i don't have time for it. but it's so along the lines of what I want to do. so I've picked that up lets see how it turns out.
AJ throughout the summer and fall has become one of my best friends. I think my random decision to take him to see Dj Qbert with me last spring was well done.
I got my first real injury- well.. at a time when it really matters to me. in a very stupid way- and it's still broken, I had a steroid injected into my joint and well a week after that shot, its still a bit swollen and it aches when its cold. i don't know.
For the past 4ish years I think there hasn't been a time when I didn't have a crush on some boy- except perhaps this summer. but most of those times, it was more of a "it won't go any further than this" and even if it had then... it wasn't meant to. Its rare that I (rationally) want something to go past the general fun flirty part of crushing. happened this fall...for perhaps the third time in my life. Nothings going to come of it, but I like respecting people, and knowing that people I can see myself perhaps being compatible with DO exist.
One thing that I don't like, and I don't find flattering is being crushed on. I realised this past year that either, A. I'm good at flirting, or B. I'm more attractive than I think I am. meaning that more boys than I want to seem to want to be more than friends. It's disheartening when I just want to have good solid relationships with people and well.. it won't happen because of damn hormones. I suppose this means I should flirt less, and I should be more conservative. Does that mean repressing a part of myself?
Sometime this year I feel like I've become my own person. Well... I always was to people outside my family, but somewhere deep down before this year, I idolized my sisters as semi-perfect people, people I would like to model myself against exactly. and while I still would like to take some aspects of their lives and apply it to my own, I don't think it would be easier to be them. I see faults in them that perhaps I didn't see before, and well, it makes it easier to be myself and not look to them for everything. But I'm still learning this.
On my roommate situation, sometimes I feel like I'm babysitting, or taking care of Rubal. I stopped leaving the bills for her month on her side of the table, and instead I'm paying them and having her pay me. I lent her about half of my savings to go on a weekend trip to BC, which I haven't had returned to me in full, and if we're splitting grocery bills, then I don't want so much food that it all goes bad. There's something like a lack of common sense that I sometimes get, and it's slightly infuriating. Saying that, Rubal is still a good roommate. She doesn't mind when I do things that would infuriate any other person I would live with, and I'm grateful for that.
Over all, 2005 was a year of experimentation, 2006 was a year of transition and 2007 was a year of letting the parts congeal into something greater than the sum of these parts, as Alan Moore said. But perhaps... it's just an illusion of permanence.

2008. whatever may come will come. I won't make any resolutions other than this: I can always be a better person. Don't stagnate even if we come out more or less the same.