The End of the Road

I've been in this mood all spring break where there's plastic wrap around everything and I can't touch it.
I got my first Birdie ever on monday on a par 3...with a 15ish foot putt and my chipping still sucks, so I didn't do so well on the rest of the holes: my last hole was horrible. I need to get more serious about it. I should care more. It seems like as the years go by, steenrod likes us less and less. the golf team is divided. I don't like that I don't know any of the new players except shannon, malorie and DC people. I don't even know what I need to qualify for regionals.
I never got excited for my ski trip.. it was fun. I took some double blacks, getting better on moguls, knee deep powder. but somehow... I'm not hyped about how it was.
Right now, I can't believe it's thurday. funny how time runs.
I'm worried about all you guys' admissions. I think at this point I'll be blithering in anticipation next year.
My face is peeling: I've never really been vain before, but right now.. I'm feeling kinda deformed.
I have my first cavity. I blame oj.
I'm 17 in fourteen days.

"then there are times when
The kids we meet mean more to us
than we ever thought they could"

The Dad

nine holes, super awesome lessons, five hours in which I improved my golf more than in a month worth of practice.

The biggest thing I learned: You can putt with your seven iron.

surprises everywhere... *crosses fingers for monday*

I enjoy randomity.

I think breaks are no longer breaks.. they're areas of extended study. but it's gonna be fun.. I promise.
MOuntains on tuesday and wed with Alison from the golf team, and tournament on monday... hopefully I do well... I rather suck at the moment. rest of the time.. kickoff to ap studying. and of course random hanging out.

I found my cell phone.

21 days until I turn over another year.

one day til Jen leaves, four til janet does too.

The Animation Show

Basically a whole bunch of people who made short films and complied them. Animation show 2005 (www.theanimationshow.com) includes Don Herzfeldt's new film, the Meaning of Life.

It's in denver from the 8th - 14th... and in boulder i think the 21st.

I'm goin. who's coming with me?

five days of semi-no-school bliss

I'm not looking forward to it as much as I should be.

Why the hell is everyone in a prom frenzy right now? two months away? that is like, soooo not enough time to find the perfect pair of shoes for my dress I bought for like, 500 dollars. Not that I stand very many people who talk like that.

As much as I'm looking forward to going (yes, yes, I know I shouldn't look forward to anything)... isn't this a bit excessive?

Today was ridiculous.

Where'd all the good people go?

You know.. somethings that some people say, just make my day. Randomity is what makes my world go 'round. its extra special.

Time to go be a recluse, watch edward scissorhands all day, and listen to Jack Johnson drinking malt liquor... and grow myself a permed mullet.

Monday Tuesday Happy days...

so I'm sitting here, eating Boston market.... it's supposed to be good for you eh? I realise, how much I'm going to miss my mom's cooking after next year. Most of the time I'm not even thankful for it, I feel bad. Boston market is supposed to be healthy right? I mean It tastes good, but... not quite the 'health' food I like.

Somehow I think wearing pigtails makes me a happier person.. I feel younger...maybe i'll do it more often.. or learn how to frenchbraid.... 'twould be awesome.

Today started out bad. I was pissed off becuase I didn't finish (barely started) the second short response question for the physics quiz.. and I definitely didn't finish the multiple choice either by like four questions.. I was hoping that would bring up my grade. damn. but now... I am the new President of Key Club.. even though I do enjoy my other clubs more, it's nice being in charge of one. Amanda and I are gonna do great.

This summer.. hopefully with be THE summer. as much as I'm going to miss not being here, I'll be taking classes at Harvard... I'll have gone to a Harry Potter party at a Borders... and then stayed up all night to read it. I think I'll study me some bio and Astronomy for science bowl next year. so I can be a hoss and beat out Nick Hansen. I think I"ll find me a fabric store or a craft store in Boston that teaches classes so I can learn to sew, and knit and stuff... I'm gonna go to concerts... and stuff like that too... man, hopefully this summer'll be a good summer.

I'm in a good mood.

Sometimes I'm just entraced by the web some words weave around me. and I sit there. reread, rewind or something, and go over it over and over again. sometimes I don't even know why.
Yesterday I was sitting in Borders reading the last bit of 'A Game of You' and that feeling where you're not sitting with your back uncomfortably against the bookshelf of comic books anymore, but you're there standing at Wanda's funeral, and then I read Barbie wonder whether identity is really that fragile, and I stopped. reread. its not even that profound. but it does something. it reaches where you're at at that moment, and that's all that matters.
I love gaiman. I love fiction. I don't know how others can think otherwise.

Not knowing everything makes it okay sometimes

In Between Dreams

A troubador on a street corner. His case is open, small change piling up. The blue, free bus wanders past, half full of people. Walkin' down mainstreet, past the sushi place, past anthropologie, past Jamba juice, where the sidewalks become wood. the music trickles down around us.
Its that kind of sun that's warm on dark hair, but the breeze keeps the sweat from forming. sandals come off, jeans get rolled up. run through the coming tides. It looks like a pac sun ad, only, It's only me, it's only you. lazy clouds streak across the sky.
Dry sand sticks to wet legs, stare at the blueing sky. Check to see the tar balls that've formed on our soles, and then wiggling toes and laughing are the only consequences.
In-n-out, sea foam green hotel. palms. Blue skies- next twelve exits.
Santa Barbara has to be one of the best places on earth.

I'm ready for summer.

Homemaker deluxe

I wish I had the time to take the knitting class at marshalls.. or the sewing class at Hancock... how kick ass would it be if I made my own prom dress or all of my clothes for that matter...

Today was the day I realised
man It would be great to be Martha Steward... without the legal problems.

in full swing

Today, was my first day of golf practice. There's something nice about having shannon there, and when Malorie comes tomorrow, it'll be cool because I get to see her every day now. It was so much fun just being wierd and loud (even when we're not supposed to be) with kyle, Alison and Amanda again. When Selina and Christina get around to showing up, it's going to be great. Flatirons is the fifth... all the more reason for my parents to not let me go to Streetlight.. le sigh. Hopefully I can be consistently on Varsity this year though. Its nice to play and not worry about keeping the V1 spot and all that. I think I enjoy not being the best... at least in this one thing.
I was champion of the world 2/2 for our chipping/pitching games. If my short game ends up like how i hit today... I'll be ecstatic...
long game needs work.
Today was a good day. I'm looking forward to may.

golf is like a breath of fresh air from school; the time goes so fast, but at the same time everything seems to be slowing down, and your legs aren't running in a blur... it feels... relaxed.

I got in to summer school at Harvard... I think I'm both happy that I did, and somewhat dissapointed. If I hadn't gotten in, I could have stayed here and hung out with all you cool people. I suppose I still could... but I'm less likely to...

yes...

procrastination is a killer. a killer I tell you.

change

Ever since D.C. I've been wondering. How much do you change everyday? I'm looking back ont he trip, and realising how different the freshman were from the seniors.. and yet, how much the same we were. What time of day is it when we become mature? when do we get jaded? when do we fall apart? Why is it that three years doesn't seem like a big deal, but the gap between eighth graders and juniors is a big deal?
Time is a very enfuriating thing to contemplate.

my favorite words of the moment:
Anguish,
Wretched,
Wheezy
Blazed

ai\lfodabjkl

Sweet fucking Monkey Tuesdays. Aren't I more capable than most to manage my time? WOuldn't I know my own schedule best and know what the hell is 'most important to my future'? You know what I don't give a damn. Nothing that is on that friday or thursday is important enough that it'll screw up my life. I HATE the Youngest Child syndrome that my parents get.

Looks like there's one less person going to Ska is Dead.

I hadn't been excited to go to a concert since well... November 2003. And that fell through too- I'm not bitter...

Junk

I'm in a relatively good mood right now, despite circumstances. I can't say why

There's something about art, whether it be painting, drawing, writing, music-ing or sculpting, that is very relaxing. If you remember back to the movie Harriet the Spy, which was one of Nickelodeon's first movies, there was the lady with the awesome yard, bottles of sparkling cider hainging from a tree, mobiles of hubcaps and garlands of ties. When I become old and batty, my house is going to look like that; i'll have a back yard with a big tree, a tree house, a garden and a bunch of junk art, maybe just when I get my own house- reminds me of Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle. I wish my room was bigger for the sole purpose of being able to hang more things from my ceiling. I love my room, there's something distinctly relaxing about it, despite the state of chaos it's always in. I really wish I had more time to write, and make things out of garbage; I think If I did, I'd be a lot more optimistic than I am now.
Man, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, I think its time to go back and read those- they were crazy experiments.

On another note, Golf Season starts soon... Here's to not sucking this year.

"Lets forget this all, move on"

Its funny how death puts life into perspective. We can't be sure how long our lives are going to be. I know a lot of people saying things like 'why would Iwant to live past 60? those are the boring years' but God, life is precious. we really have no idea how many would be devastated if we passed on. its not like it's just us that our lives matter to.
How many of my friends have put up messages expressing comfort and presence for Michelle? even if I wasn't that close to Michelle, and I didn't know her mom that well... it still pains me that two kids in their teens have lost their mother. I dont' know how I'd go on if I lost my mom or my dad.
Death is a horrible thing, more so for the people left behind than for the dead. Suicide is even worse, why would you think of such a thing? especially when you have no reason to. Appreciate what you have, even if it doesn't seem as good as it is; there are always those who are worse off than you.

The End is Here makes me want to cry... I've been wanting to cry a lot recently.

I think I'm at one of those points, where I'm reevaluating myself. Who my true friends are, how much I've been brainwashed, who I should rely on.. that sort of thing.
I recently made a pretty good mix, but this is the ultimate mix for now- i think the songs sufficiently explain how I feel now... both in lyrics, and in mood...

1. The Big Sleep
2. Konstantine
3. What Went Wrong
4. Bohemian Rhapsody
5. I'll Make a Man out Of You
6. Swords Crossed
   
7. My Sundown
8. Bubble Toes
9. Holes to Heaven
10. Every New Day
11. Dandelions
12. Take On Me
13. Hey Jude
14. Lucy in the Sky
15. Magic Man
16. Boys Don't Cry
17. The Hero Dies in This One
18. Holy is the Lord
19. Power of Love
20. I Dont' Wanna Miss A Thing
21. Piano Man
22. Come Away With Me
23. Curbside Prophet
24. 83
25. Not Myself
26. Three Simple Words
27. Come on Eileen
28. He's A Pirate
29. How Could I fall In Love With You
30. Here Comes Your Man
31. American Kryptonite
32. The End WIth You
33. Two Coins
34. Hey Girl
35. Coalminer
36. Its Oh So Quiet
37. Sheet with Stars
38. Let it Be

Time to get into the spiritual washing machine and clean my garbage out. I suck at knowing God these days. I blame myself.

"I can't don't exist"

It was a good trip. Except for one night.
I'm internet dumb and so can't upload pictures onto the computer.. if you want mine, ask me for a cd of them.
Time for el Euro Project.

self preservation.

Plunging on

Man, I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and the next weekend. It's going to be great... or possible quite horrible. I hope I can deal with six days of the people I'm rooming with, and if not, I'm not going to be spending much time there.
Things I've noticed about myself lately:
My vocab has changed. alot. I realise I started to describe things like Ian does, use 'oh' like Anthony does (but not quite as good) and in general, I'm influenced by all these people I'm hanging out with. It's going to stop. I'm not going to fall victim to your mannerisms.. at least.. I hope I won't anymore. Maybe you're defined by little pieces of your environment, I like to think some of it is inate. I'm going to be myself. nobody's opinion will matter-except my own. I feel like I've been needy lately. that's going to stop too.

I like myself- but I need some tuning up. Into the shop I go.

Ten Lb wieghts are attached to my eyelids.

It's not even ten oclock. and I"m exhausted. the work I have to do in the next three days is large in quantity. I don't know if I can do it all. what I really need at the moment is one more day without school so that I can finish everything that I need to before more work piles up. I hsouldn't have wasted yesterday; but it was time well spent.
The Royal Tenenbaums is a rather good movie. probably not one of my all time favorites.. but it's up there with the Kill Bills.
I need to stop wasting time. Thursday on is going to be great.