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I had a really good talk with Cindy this Saturday about Christianity as a religion, versus Christianity as a faith. We talked about how to blend dancing with our faith, and whether those two things were contradictory or not (they aren't). I guess I've been receiving a little bit of stress from that, from what my parents say about dancing, and from the amount of time I spend on it. She said something how practice studios make her feel safe. I'd agree that they're comforting. I like being the first person in 234 with the lights dim and the floors squeaking. It's relaxing when everywhere else, there's tension.
I also had a good dinner with Philip. I have respect for him and I feel like I can relate to him well with how busy we both are. I don't know my FiC class outside of superficial knowledge. I want more than that. Unfortunately, I can admit to the fact that Fic gets pushed aside when other things get busy. Well.. so does God unfortunately. I should fix that.
Connected to that thought, I need to read my Bible more often. I pretty much... don't. what kind of Christian does that make me? a bad one.. and an ignorant one I suppose. That's not who I want to be.
Rabah just sent me a song "Near to you" by a Fine Frenzy.. and I'm not listening to the lyrics much.. but the feeling of the song is hitting the right spot. I've got Wanderlust right now. I just want to drive around and not worry about work right now. I don't want to do anything- but I need to do well on this essay to prove that I can after 45b which was a disaster.
I feel like all the things I'm doing are all things that I love to do (with the exception of maybe work- but my boss makes up for that) but I feel like I'm still trying so hard to prove something all the time. Trying to prove that I can do everything, Trying to prove that I can be a good dancer and make it to finals, Trying to prove, I can handle Dancing, Being President and school, trying to prove that I can teach, trying to prove I'm decent in English, Trying to prove ... everything, I don't know whether it's proving it to myself, or proving it to other people. I think it's a little of both. I think this aspect of everything is grating on me.
I have very few strong friends here. I see people. and I see people more often than others. but I feel like I don't have a very equal, or just.. comfortable relationship with most people. still. I don't know whether being as busy as I am is helping. It isn't. I don't get to see anyone anymore. I'm complaining too much. I'll stop.

I'm ready for a day that isn't ordinary.

I just read Rabah's blog and she says this:

yang said i'm disappearing. i think i am. in the weirdest way. just....disappearing into priorities. disappearing into "can-do-this-all." i'd rather be disappearing into love and comfort and healthy education and bigbelly laughter.

We're in the same place even though we're 1,300 miles away.. I wish we were in the same place physically.