Done.

So the extended essay is nicely over 3500 words (3517), and polished and pretty. For those who want to know it is "An Exploration of the Use of the Antihero in Noir Fiction" though now I really wish I had persued my original thought on Salinger or Gaiman instead of this... cop-out essay. oh well its done.. which means I'm one step closer to being done with the crap IB makes us put up with.

BBmak is pretty amazing. yay for boy bands. I need to be able to control my off days better. really I do. What would YOU do with a trillion dolars?

Dominos has some mighty good but mighty expensive breaksticks.

On Friday I bowled two games with my youth group.. I shared my 2nd game with Caroline. 1st game: 34. 2nd game 50-something. It was pretty amazing. Ildae taught me how to put spin on my ball. I rock at the bowling game.

I'm going to make an effort to learn more about my faith instead of being one of those ignorant annoyances who simply spout what they've heard in church without their own interpretations of the Biblia.

church is getting better- more bearable.

Finch is amazing.. not just pretty amazing.

I need to finish my essays and not worry about it. I'm ready for everyone to start talking about what classes they're taking and saying where their from and having to wear shoes in the shower and so on.

I'm ready for the next 24 weeks to go by quickly.

Life got better post-Extended Essay.

Breaking my Fall

So as of now. I realise tv is such a waste of time- and yet I watch it anyway.. when I'm really interested in what's on because I dont' want to do work.

My parents think 10:00 is late. and it still bugs me.

The mall is a waste of time- I really don't enjoy shopping.

So far I've watched serenity, office space, house of flying daggers, and the mighty ducks
I have yet to see high fidelity, pulp fiction, resovoir dogs and fight club.. though I doubt I'll see all of those in the next four days.

I have yet to look at my EE. Yet to open a text book... though I've been getting a fair way on apps.

I laugh at myself a lot- for the same reason I say just kidding a lot.

There is such a thing as a hot asian man.

refridgerated peanut butter > non refridgerated

Triple contractions are sweet..

okay

I think If I came home less often I'd want to do it more.

I love going to other people's houses and seeing how different each smell.

Some people I know associate people with colors or objects. I think I associate them with a certain movement. It's kinda crazy.. even If i don't remmeber how someone looks all the time.. i know how they move, or I have a picture of it in my head.

I'm exercising... gasp... it's alright.. but I suck at it.

Sometimes its nice not to talk, especially in cars.

As much as I hate to admit it sometimes.. I am such a woman.

randomity and money.

sometimes... taking a two hour nap is nice... until you realise there's more to do than you thought. eff.

On another note, I am no longer wigged out... because sleeping on it helps. as does talking to Joe.

Pelican is a pretty awesome name for a band.

Money keeps draining away. seventy dollars here.. fifty dollars there... three hundred and eighty six there.... sixty five there... there... and there...and this isn't really for me directly... its for me about ten months later. i'm guessing all application fees.. ap tests.... and IB tests come to about $1,236 What sucks is you can no longer take both Physics C tests for one fee... just as you can't for the Govs and the other joint tests.

I feel like I eat money. I need to get a job.

two pairs of my three pairs of jeans ripped...hopefully my third pair don't decide to die on me- jeans are expensive.

I dont' know when I got so money conscious. I guess because I use so much of it these days. I wish I weren't.

song ofthe day: me and julio down by the schoolyard

ToK

listening to people and thinking about stuff while generally spacing out put me in a wierd mood.
I shouldn't be allowed to think. I'm happier when I don't.

an uneventful post

This weekend has been pretty damn awesome.
I had forgotten how much I enjoy science bowl.

Kaitlin is the same as ever she cooked me food and we watched Firefly.. which is pretty good. I stole Finding neverland from her and I watched that. I also got a call from Rusty that night and we talked. What an awesome kid.

Saturday I spent filling out applications/writing essays and with my mom. We had about a three hour lunch, and then we went out to dinner together too. I watched Equilibrium.. it was fairly good- but predictable. I started looking at the SAT again. what a pain.

Today was pretty awesome. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time, like Rebecca and semi. I got to swing and do other business like that- though I probably should have come home sooner. oh well. maybe I'll watch another movie tonight.

You said we'd be together forever.

Right now, I really miss people. Not necessarily just Harvard kids, which I do, but the people I'd known throughout my life.

Its so crazy to think about how many people have affected me in a positive way. I think the whole tabula rasa idea is mostly correct, we've got some stuff that's genetic, but really, personality wise, we're our own environment. and think. if we tried to raise me again, I wouldn't be the same, even if I were around all the same people, because everything would be slightly different, I wouldn't have heard the same things, people would have said things differently, or I would have seen too much or something. I wouldn't be me.

I've said this already, but getting random messages, here, IM, facebook or otherwise or phonecalls from old friends, and I guess you could say mentors... makes me so happy. I do look forward to the future, but I cling to the past because... well... its stable. And you can let all the bad things, and all the embarassing things turn into a haze and let the good times shine through.

I think I'll write Christine a letter, I'll send Kristine a package, I'll call Charlie, Rusty, and Misha and Chong and Hollen, I'll track down Stella, and Bogo, and Ildae, and Sam and Beast, I don't know. life is short, there are too little cell phone minutes. Can't I just let them alone? But I can't. because all of them have affected me in such humongous ways its ridiculous.

I'm going to hang out with kaitlin now. I haven't seen her since August.

I miss Joyce.

College is going to be great- but what happens when I start missing all the people I see everyday now- becuase there's so many more of you?

Why does everything have to come back to college?

Climbing the Stairs in a Box

There's a lot of whining in this post. Just so you know.

I don't know if I'd like it if there were a lot of people like me. I'm very unsociable, outside a certain couple of people, i dont' like to make the effort. I'm ready for change. I'm ready for something other than smoky hill. I'm ready for living in dorms.

I think I enjoy being called dumb more so than I like being called smart. Maybe because only people I like call me dumb.. whereas people I dont' really care about so much call me smart... even though some people I care about call me smart too. It's just an obnoxious thing.

I often think about what the worth (other than name value) going to a high-end higher education institution would be. I mean, its not like I can't get a good education at boulder. I don't know. Maybe if I were doing something like astrophysics or Biomedical engineering or something I could go somewhere specialized like MIT or something. but Liberal arts? I just... I don't know.. I want to go I want to explore. I want to surround myself with people who are pretentious.. and have a right to be pretentious... and then find those few who aren't- even though they have a right to be. Do I even need a high education? i don't know.

I calculated it and if you have starbuck every single day (3 bucks ish) you're spending $1080 dollars a year. what a waste of money.

in someways senior year is pretty cool. in others.. it kinda sucks.

I can't focus. Help me focus.

Have you gotten to the part in East of Eden- its not very far in- where Adam gives Alice little presents, and after Charles beats him, she says "He doens't think his father loves him. But you love him-- you always have" and then she goes on saying that Charles is the one giving her presents. I don't know why, but that scene makes me really sad.

I need a good cry, a movie, or a book. something. I think i'm going to rent Finding Neverland this weekend. I'm in the mood for something artsy and sad. I wish we had a TV that wasn't in the middle of the house. it makes it difficult to become absorbed.

I've been off since before MUN. i don't know what it is. I don't feel like myself.

"I see it around me, I see it in everything
I could be so much more than this..."

Key Leader Conference

This weekend was exactly what I needed- a place away from complaints and college and petty self-indulgence. our speaker was so full of energy, it was hard not to be yourself. I hope I can keep this level of motivation/energy for a long time. If not, oh well, but I feel refreshed.

It was one of those times I had to ask.. who can deny that there is a higher being? I had never gone up to the mountains at this time in the fall, pre-snow. so I've never seen the aspen when they're turning. against the dark of the pines.. it's amazing. I only wish curfew wasn't so enforced.. and the outdoor lighs weren't turned on.. and then I could have stargazed.

At the same time, I wonder how real this can be. How genuine is energy if you create it? how genuine is confidence if you trick yoruself into thinking you are? at what point is it not pretending anymore?

I made goals before. and I haven't stuck to them before.. but here. keep me accountable.

1. I'm going to write one story a month at least. a full fledged story, not one of my random line incoherent ones. (November is nanowrimo. maybe i'll do it.)
2. I'm going to stop taking naps so often. I realise how much time is wasted. I can have just as much energy even if it has been 19 hours of draining energy.
3. I'm going to start exersizing. running/lifting. It's ridiculous how out of shape I am.
I burned my tongue badly. now I know why my mom said never drink hot things through straws. damn hot chocolate. However, starbucks now has caramel apple cider. amazing stuff.

EE's are due on teh 31st.. w00t.

I might watch adaptation tonight.. if I can finish my chem..

Song of the day: Banana Pancakes

A little bit of Everything

as if to say, "I'm here, don't forget about me" there have always been random IMs from the Harvard kids. Surprisingly, I haven't been able to talk to Kristine as much as I'd like.

Somehow my parents and I have gotten into a talk about relationships and how kids are having sex too much. Nice to be reminded... but.. duh, I know it already. why do my parents tell me things I know already? Why can't they tell me things I don't know? Cranberry juice mixed with sprite is pretty amazing.

I was talking about it with Joe yesterday and if you had to pick one of your friends (who isn't also part of your family) to survive some sort of apocalypse with a small group of people... who would you pick? why? is that even rational?
Tortillas and bananas, you would assume is a wierd combination. Its pretty good.
It needs to get cold. like it was on wednesday. I like the cold.

No matter how crazy life gets. there should always be time for God. I went to church today. I hadn't gone last sunday, nor the sunday before that. Its rather comforting seeing Peter. He promised he'd keep me in check spiritually. Ildae, I haven't seen in forever. he's coming back to our church now. fricken sweet. I had forgotten how powerful music is and how much a place can change in the course of two weeks.

Ildae tells me that Neil Gaiman was here at the tattered cover promoting Anansi Boys... aadgfffffggfgjkkkk I missed it. boo. what a writer. I keep calling it Anasazi boys. I wonder why.

I think that's enough for random thought.

Song of the weekend: The Boxer, Simon and Garfunkle

Go Away

I haven't wanted to pull my head under my covers, curl up in my fetal position and say just that in a long time. Needless to say I forgot to knock on wood when I said things are going great.

I lost it somewhere between calc and chemistry. which hopefully means its in Kaile's car.
I dont' even know if my opinion matters anymore... I dont' know if it ever has.

I revert back to two year old mode more than usual when I'm upset. I should have used today better. Too bad it's too cold and wet outside to go swinging and sidewalk chalk drawing.

I want to go back to yesterday. please.

Airplane would have been funnier if I wasn't so distracted.

funny

Funny how little things keep adding up
Funny how guilt can pull me down
Funny how lives keep truckin, even if yours has stopped
Funny how people so diferent can get along so well
Funny how drinking is associated wth a good time
Funny how fast clutter can creep up on you
Funny.. huh.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

Star Wars.
I have to say, the plot is pretty good. but I don't know if its been hyped too much. Because when things have been hyped too much, I start looking for all things that are wrong with it. I dunno. Sitting back and thinking about it makes me realise that it is a pretty awesome trilogy... though I have yet to see Return of the Jedi. and I am really curious to see why Anakin does what he does. I think it ruined 4, 5, and 6, knowing that he has good reason to become Vader.

Even if I had watched it as a kid, I think I would have appreciated it less.

The ships remind me of Legos. Legos are awesome.

I'm reasonably excited for Return of the Jedi tomorrow. maybe it'll be everything I dreamed of in a story.

A Thought

"[the artist] had remembered that all men, the healthy ones included, eventually die, and usually with a certain amount of bad grace, but that he, lucky man, is at least being done in by the most stimulating companion, disease or no, he has ever known."

"You wrote down that you were a writer by profession. It sounded to me like the loveliest euphemism I had ever heard. When was writing ever your profession? It's never been anything but your religion. Never... since it is your religion, do you know what you will be asked when you die?... I'm so sure you'll get asked only two questions. Were most of your stars out? were you busy writing your heart out?"

-Seymour, an Introduction

I heart salinger.

it's all happening

This past week has been pretty awesome I must say. I think it's the most i've participated in spirit week. I predict a lot of people are going to keep repeating that it's the last time doing whatever. kinda like "it's our last spirit week.. it's our last homeooming" but you know what? so what? even if its not the last live it up.
Last night was fun. I guess this means I dont' really have anything to look forward to until fall break now.

for pictures:click here

I would have uploaded more.. but I'm at my monthly limit or something.

Things I (re?)learned yesterday:
1. not wearing bras makes you really self conscious
2. women over 25 should not wear skirts more than three inches above the knee (cough walker cough)
3. watching people dance is funny. I bet i'm funny to watch too.
4. slurpees are cheap.
5. pizza breath is worse than chinese food breath.

I watched almost famous last night/today. I had almost forgotten how much I enjoyed that movie.

"I just wanna go home!

"You are home."

Edit: You know how I said there was some shooting infront of the H-mart on friday? It was Phillip and Ben's (who are cousins) other cousin. I met him once.
I've never been close to deathi i'm still not. the people in my family who've died I wasn't close to.
I'm not supposed to know people who die in stupid cases like this- I'm not supposed to have met them. I'm not supposed to know things like how they have just enough time to kick off their pants before they take a nap. I can't even imagine how his family or his friends are taking it.

Words Words Words

I've decided the internet is a waste of my time that I can't get rid of. Instead of checking blogs and email five million times a day, i'm going to read a chapter of a book everytime I want to procrastinate the homework a little.

Life's been pretty good. It's handed me a lot of stuff on silver platters. I'm not allowed to be angsty and teenagery. I have all that I could want. I was looking around in tok today (it was virtually everyone in IB) and I realised I know a lot of people. some obviously have influenced me more than others, but I wonder how many of them I've influenced? What qualities do I have that make me different? I'm smart.. so are they.. I'm wierd.. so are they...I'm often moody... so are they... My passions are those of other kids. What makes us so different? I dont' know. Maybe this just tells us that the big things don't matter; the small things do.

My parents don't really like being social- they think its a chore... I don't understand that. Other than writing, its the only thing keeping me sane.

This is a list of books I either want to read or i need to finish. Tell me if there's something i should read.

1. SLaughterhouse FIve
2. Fight CLub
3. Caramelo
4. The Brothers Karmozov
5. Bluebeard
6. Running with Scissors
7. through the looking glass
8. Candide
9. The Jungle
10. Frankenstein
11. Bright Lights Big City
12. raise high the roofbeams, Carpenters and Seymour an introduction
13. Anna Karenina
14. Phantom Tollbooth

De-staple

today I took down the majority of my room. I used to have magazine articles about movies, bands and randomity, Movie stubs, concert stubs, quotes I liked, birthday cards, on my walls, plus numerous things hanging from my ceiling. I left those- took down my walls. I realised.. i didn't like or care about half the things that were up anymore.. I wondered how I stapled some of those things.. maybe I shrunk.

Around this time last year my sister moved her empty bookcase into my room.
Aroudn this time this year, I started piling books up on my floor because I don't have any more space.

Yesterday was fun. We're definitely going to do that again.

English class is definitely the highlight of my every two days. It is amazing, I'm glad I had problems with Lane this summer because I got an awesome teacher out of it. I'm excited to actually learn something this year- WIlls is an awesome person.. we just had a lot of dumb kids.

Janet leaves tuesday. The house is going to get reaaaallly quiet after that. I have no one to late-night converse with.

I think we go through several major changes in our lives; puberty, Graduating high school, Graduating College, Marriage, post marriage, there's always losing jobs and crises and maybe divorce- but a lot happens in the first thirty years of our lives. I decided I'm not running through them blind. I dont' want to look forward to imaginary things. I want to look around at the present and find myself mostly content.

I'm not the wierd kid who gets overlooked anymore.

T3h Cockulus

How I hate thee cockulus.
you maketh me want to hurl
with thy vectors and thy crap
why do I do thee
when I am not obligated
Thou art the bane of my sleep
Can I not simply listen
to the czech tones
of tri sestry and
falleth asleep to this
divine sound?
Wherefore Cockulus? Wherefore?


That was an award winning poem. I should submit it to something.

All that 'emo' biznass

I'm a lot more emotional than I like to be. I tell myself I'm not supposed to cry... but I feel like it anyway. I love crying. who said crying doesn't help. The only thing I dont' like is when people pity me or get concerned when I cry. can't I just plop myself down and start wailing for no good reason? Some would say I could... but I can't.. because then people assume something's wrong. maybe there is something wrong.

I was going to do this every half year.. but it's been two months past the half year mark- here goes anyway:

Little things that bring me joy:
1. A finished story
2. orange juice
3. Swings
4. my interpretation of interpretive dancing
5. looking at stars
6. orienting myself to mountains
7. funny noises
8. reading in a (dry) bathtub
9. peaches
10. lying on stomachs
11. holding hands
12. Hugs
13. smell of warm copies
14. inside jokes
15. spinning barefoot on grass
16. midnight
17. funny antics

My sister Janet told me i'm a hopeless romantic... I never thought so before.. maybe.