I'm not going to say i'm stopping

I think i'm taking a blog break.... well.. i'll only post here if I really really feel a need to. or a giant desire to.

it's back to moleskines for me. i don't think i have anything worth saying in this format anymore.. it just turns out whiny or something. not soemthing i'm proud of.. or want people to see.

life is good.

time for some John Milton and Satan

music reminds me of everyone

other than a couple of songs, Jimmy eat world reminds me of no one. it doesn't remind me of good times, bad times, people, just... myself. everything else.. or at least most everything else is associated with someone or sometime: five iron Frenzy, Streetlight Manifesto, Jeff Buckley, The Decembrists, Tri Sestry, Simon and Garfunkel, just to name a few... and well.. sometimes you just want music.. and not memories. because memories'll make you miss the past or people who aren't there.

home was.... it was home. good and frustrating at the same time. I said before i wasn't sure if home would feel like home anymore, well.. it made itself feel like home (forced its way back into the 'home crevice' in my mind label box)... nowhere else could give me this feeling.

i don't think that metaphor made any sense.

let me just say home is a flurry of emotion and thought.

this place itself though, is something else. the air is crisper. the sun is brighter, the mountains are rockier and snowier...

it a little bit disconcerting when horoscopes say exactly what you're thinking.

worrying gets us no where.

neither does whining

"I had to think a while"

I was wondering whether to do this as i did it a couple of years back.. with a list of everything and anything... or do it like last year and just put up twenty things... I guess it comes as it comes... and if it turns out to be hundreds or simply a couple... then... well.. it is what it is. I'm thankful for a lot of things. My life's really blessed- sometimes i lose sight of that.. but it's always nice to remember.

Things I'm Thankful For (in no particular order than what i thought of them in):

1. Rabah- for Being there. Being herself. and Being Godawfully honest
2. Being at Berkeley- i was telling Kaile I'd like to live in memories.. but since i can't.. Berkeley's the best place for me- because i had to move on sometime.
3. Hah- at the moment, high metabolism, from looking at the crap food i have on my desk, it's the only thing keeping me thin
4. God- for jumping up and down when it feels like i'm about to forget about him
5. My sisters who seem immutable even as they change
6. My Parents who ingrained 'be unique' in my head as a kid
7. Eric- for putting up with (and enjoying) my throwing books at him to read, because i like to share.
8. Ian- for calling me and telling me awkward and amazing things
9. Kristine- for making me feel like i can say anything and everything- when i can catch her without playingn ridiculous games of phone tag

as always it's a list of people. but so it goes.

happy thanksgiving all... i'll see you at T2

hahahaha...

i'm selling my body for money.

betcha never expected that from me.

I wonder about Ady's Masters thesis

He was telling us last year about how he was thinking about doing something on the use of unique figurative language, or writing style in translated literature. I'm beginning to wonder more and more about that. Today i was helping this girl who writes like Sandra does. I wonder what culture has to do with that.. or whther they're just kindred souls. They were writing memoir like essays, or stories... this is the kind of thing i wanted to do- edit and help kids with wriitng and get them to love it love it- i shoudl have applied for that creative writing class next semester.. i guess i'll have to do it in the fall. :\

i said i was going to clean today. i think i still will.

short post i guess.

There was a Troubador in the BART station that reminded me of Kris Becker

I had in n out the other day. it seems like whenever i want my camera i never have it and when i do carry it around, I never need it. (or it's run out of batteries when i do need it)

I can see a point where ballroom will take over my life. it's way too much fun. really really. quickstep will be awesome if i get that good. it's like... BOUNCE ACROSS THE FLOOR!!! and samba is like shake It SHAKE it. :).

I heard a really cute story yesterday.. it made my eyes go all squinty as i heard it. sometimes when my smile is really big, i can't seee very well. ah well.

TEN days till i'm home (i have a thing with caps today.) i should be read read reading right now. but a list of things i want to do even if there's no time over my short weekened.

0. CHIPOTLE (the old one)
1. Starbucks
2. T2-3
3. See Joyce and Kaitlin (who are mentioned becasue they aren't associated with the people i would usually see)
4. see everyone else
5. hang out with the family
6. church kids
7. eat home cooked meals


there's more i swear that i'm forgetting.

a list of thanks is coming soon to a blog near you.

I haven't listened to Finch in a while

now's the time where i can take a breath before i plunge into Milton. usually, i judge my time by my science classes, and how soon until the next test, and English i can push to the back of my brain, or at least that's how it used to be. now.. well.. i don't have science anymore. Chem didn't fit- as much as I know I don't want science to be my life (vocationally) i still enjoy it and want that well rounded schedule- it's easy to take a humanities class- why do science classes have to take up so much awkward time?

I feel sick to my stomach. i should eat better.. and on a more regular schedule- i'm saying this as I shove pocky into my mouth.

isn't it wierd when your professors start talking about things that are compeltely and utterly relevant to your life at that moment? It freaks me out. but it was happening for a while.

16 days until i'm back in Denver, though I won't know if it's Home until i get there. I hope i haven't acclimated to lower altitudes. (wow only 16. there's so much to do in that time)

I think i'm going to finish Hapsworth 16 1924 now. I'm in a Salinger mood.

I hate critiquing myself- or watching myself doing things. it gives me deep embarassment.

"keep your pinky down."

"love, love, love"

"it's blue and smells like cat, must be sodium chloride"

tomorrow's november first

I'm wondering if I shoudl NaNoWriMo this year. i've failed miserably in the past.. and I feel like i'd fail even more miserably now that i'm in college. plus.. the first is tomorrow... and well.. i havent' got a topic... already i'm behind. someone shoudl remind me of this two months in advance. sheesh.

My goal for this week:

good essay topic by tonight-
go to office hours tomorrow
write out draft by friday
go to slc
revise over weekend
not worry on sunday night.


oy.. hopefully it works. I need this to be an amazing paper... and i need my milton paper to be an amazing paper.

CLAM submission?
NaNoWRiMo?
Lindy on Wednesday? i dunnooooo

So many things

I want to learn to samba, jive and Pasadoble- i don't know if you can use pasadoble as a verb like you can with jive and samba. why do they teach us the broing dances first? i've deciede i need to be a lot more aware of my arms when i'm dancing..that's where all the attitude adn the action is. yeah buddy. i want to keep ballroom dancing... but i know it shouldn't be as important as say.. acing this next paper in engrish to save my grade.

now's one of those phases wehre i want to be able to read everybody's mind- soemtimes i thinkt hat's a violation of privacy.. right now. i don't really care. i want to know.

for those of you who read comic books and haven't yet read Superman Red Son, i highly reccommend it. the intro is a little pretentious.. but whatever. not as reccomended as alan moore or the sandman though.

Lord Wotton's words in Dorian Gray are hypnotising even when i know they should make sense... but htey do logically which is what's so dangerous abotu them. i need to read less books.. or not update this and actually do work. i think i'll do that soon

i hate waterproof mascara... it doesn't comeoff even with eye makeup remover. ugh. this is why i don't wear makeup.

four weeks? i'm looking forward to it.

oh california...

Berkeley:


Clear

76°F
Feels Like
76°F

Denver:

Mostly Cloudy

36°F
Feels Like
36°F


I want it to be all bundly and cold so i can snuggle up to people and put my cold feet on them. :)

oh well.. it's nice being 73 too.


do it to it Lars

Waking up early = sleeepy jessica

maybe i should have just gone to bed earlier like i had planned. but it's worth being distracted sometimes i guess.

i need more hours in the day so i can both sleep longer and have time to read books that i want to read - i thought i was goingto be caught up by now... but i'm not.

i think this is the point where i start cramming way more in than i should into my days and then suddenly- WHAPAM! it's christmas break.

i Really like the Yoshimi Battles te Pink Robots Album by the flaming lips. I think it's amazering.

I took off word verification because i think taifur complained about it a long time ago. i don't think i'm that bothered by ads.

To not falling asleep in class!

I've been studying for the past six hours straight.. you shoudl be proud.

so.. i'm taking a break from my info intake of the day. I often feel like sundays are my most productive days of the week. probably true.

I need to not eat as much junkfood as I have been recently... currently on my desk are a box of cinnamon toast crunch, a box of teddy grahams (cinnamon), and a bag of pita chips (organic) i think it's amusing how around here most of the junk food they sell on campus is organic or 'all natural' my mom would be happy.

my sister just told me she doesn't know what i'm doing in college and that i have weird friends and seem to be doing weird things.. hah. it's true. but i like it. it's my experience.

I'm in a listy mood.. bear (is that the right form of bear?) with me- I have swung back into reading with full force- currently in my bag is: dubliners (almost done), faerie Queene (book III seems to be much better than Book I), the picture of dorian gray (not yet started), bluebeard, and hapworth 16 1924 (which surprisingly i haven't finished yet)..oy. more and more i'm thinking english major.

it's weird thinking i just breezed through half a century's worth of history for turkey and Iran and am now at the seventies. maybe i should go back and breeze slower. easy mac first.

my screen is super dusty.

this was a pretty pointless post.

okay....

I think more and more i'm finding i like candid shots. or shots of people that they dont' know you're taking of them. you get more personality that way. I smile the same in all pictures.. there's no difference... just teeth.. and squintier eyes.

everytime i want a change i go to my hair. i have bangs again. maybe in a couple of weeks.. it'll be short again.

i think more and more we're collectively responding to the fact that things'll never be the same again. and moving more and more towards the direction of being okay with that.

i went into two book stores yesterday looking for The Picture of Dorian Gray- I left with Bluebeard (which i lost before with a doodle sidney gave me grr) from the first one, and Infinite Jest from the second. i'm cycling back into my spending money phase. - i still need/want that oscar wilde book. i always tell myself.. at least you're saving money because they're used books and you could have bought the new ones and wasted ten more bucks.. or five more.. or whatever. I think books are a good thing to spend money on.

Faery Queene takes up too much of my brain power. it exhausts me.

but at least i'm getting back into the swing of school. yeah. school's swinging again.

"the world we loved forever gone....we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to be..."

Safeway

they apparantly don't sell peter pan peanut butter here. I had to buy jif. it doens't taste as good. ergh. choosy moms my butt.

sometimes you can't do anything but read

this post is completely different form the one I published this morning. (although it is a new day)

Its nice to have someone there who understands- there isn't one person who understands everything- i get that now.. i'm not going to find one person who understands how i feel about everything and i'm okay with that.

I have a reading buddy :o)

and after looking through wikipedia three minutes ago.. i want to read the entire list of books that were banned. that's one of my 'things to do before i die' read all the banned books.. i don't knwo whether to limit that to banned in america though.. i don't think i will. i dunno.

the problem with reading novels in translation is that i don't know what the good translations are.. and which ones are crappy. i've been wanting to read my russians for a while now.. and I don't know what copies to pick up.. because well.. translations make a difference. maybe i should find some crazy russian literature professor and ask them. maybe.

maybe there's a reason why the song "getting better" is stuck in my head?

i'm still confused.. but i'm okay with the confusion.

it's good to have good friends- or people with the potential to be great friends.

the gilda radner quote we used in the lit mag (the one that's on my facebook) applies so well.

funny how change is stagnant.

"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

turn around and repeat three times....

Matt once used the quote “you’re true blue, Ethel” in association with me. And I’ve always taken pride in being upfront, and real and not fakey. More and more I realize even though I’m not fakey in the stab people in the back way, I can’t BE upfront and real unless I know my own opinions first. I find myself in debates… and not knowing whether the word I’m about to use is right.. or whether my facts are straight, or most importantly whether I’m playing devils advocate or not.
I don’t know. I forget too easily. I think I’m forgetting your faces. I know I’m forgetting your laughs. Even though we’re not supposed to cling on to each other, it’s okay to want to right? To want to be there? –even if we can’t do much good? Stupid over 1000K mile distances.

I slept through class today- the class I really needed to be at because I don’t know what I’m doing with Spenser. I don’t know what I’m doing. I love English. I love hearing people talk about English- and through that hearing their own passions for the literature. And to let you in on a secret you may already know, or in the opposite direction- may not want to believe- I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m with people like that. Why compare myself? Because I HAVE to. I hate floundering. But I love English.. so what do I do? Keep floundering?

I think this is my space to be ‘I’ ‘I’ ‘I’ because I like being ‘you’ ‘you’ ‘you’ normally. This is the spear to my side where all my inside stuff about me can come out.

This is turning out to be a negative post.

Can I love you right now? Because I want to.

I want to stand and talk to someone while hugging them. I can’t do that with guys because then there’s a stigma attached- and here… I’m not close to the girls. I’m not comfortable with them. I want to fit together like puzzle pieces or just be able to grab someone for a hug, or take naps next to each other. Or just get coffee- or uncoffee. Or be able to talk about anything. Everything.

No time no time no time.

I want to make something beautiful. I don’t feel like anything beautiful has come out of me in a long time.

(I want to be beautiful- by making beautiful things)

I’m not as weird as I usually am. I don’t feel like myself. I’m fitting into skin that is too loose- I told you that things change and we have to change with it, but we’re still ourselves. But jeez, weirdness has been a part of me for longer than I can remember. It’s like the phantom limb syndrome. I want to scratch it but I reach and find air.

When I get pensive- I get dreary and critical of myself. Life here is good. Life here is just- Hard. Confusing maybe. But the Good times come as often as the bad.

letter to myself

Dear Jess,

There are a couple of things you need to learn:
1. YOU WERE NEVER CAPABLE OF A THIRTY MINUTE NAP- what makes you think that you are now?- you don't have two hours.
2. History takes a lot longer to read than you think it does. start reading earlier in the week.
3. Essays written at the last minute are always worse than essays written beforehand with time to EDIT.
4. even if you feel sleepy, learn to get over it and keep working.

Love,
Jessica

EDIT (5:18 am): P.S. This is the worst essay you've written in about three years. nice going dip shit.

sorry i'm just procrastinating- time to chase myself in circles frantically.

it's been over a year

My list of little joys is over due. I made it this morning as I looked at the construction over the glade.

1. Late Night Conversations
2. perfectly ripe bananas
3. good noses
4. random encounters
5. climbing trees
6. phone calls from home (or people who remind me of home)
7. Streetlamps and the halo effect when we squint
8. solitude
9. Peach-Os
10. The Word Beautiful
11. Peeing after waiting a long time
12. crevaces

i don't know what happened to my orange juice obsession since summer. It seems to have petered out... these days it's all about the grapefruit juice. strange- maye it's just because i don't really drink anything anymore. it's actually pretty bad for me. ugh.....

oh well.. I figured now's a good time to think about joys and the little things which make life worth living.

I realise I want to do way too much incollege just like i did in high school. Joyce was telling me i should only really have three extra curriculars-buuuut there's ballroom, church/biblestudy, Volunteering with middle schoolers, getting a job, a literary magazine on campus... and who knows what else I'll want to do.. maybe intermural disc at one point.. that's what... three more than i'm supposed to have. I dont' want to stretch myself thin but I really seriously want to do all of it. what shoudl i do? what's most important to me? I can't make that distinction right now. why can't there always be 29 horus in the day? ugh..

Goodbye Sky Harbor

I met up with ozzie today and got a free dinner out of it from all them crazy stanford kids getting a little cater action from Chevys.. otherwise.. the week's been pretty standard. That was a little taste from home. I'd forgotten how long it's been since i've seen him- since rabah's party in June. wow.

I've been hanging out with the kids on my floor a lot more.. late at night when we don't want to disturb the dustbunnies with our obnoxiousities- life is squinting-into-the-sunset-good right now.
I hung out kinda with the freshmen at my church yesterday- it was kinda cool.. but really obnoxious in the fact they know me less than even the people here... oh well... i guess that's what happens....

i should be figuring out my essay right now. erggghh..

I haven't walked and read in a long time. it's kind of refreshing- I get sucked in by the methodicalness of my footsteps.. yeah. :) I like books that pull me in.

i need to vacuum my room or learn how to work in here. it's really disturbing how my bed jsut calls to me... i never worked in my bedroom at home... i guess that may be why. the bed was never available for me to sleep in near my work... the word 'vacuum' looks really funny if you stare at it for a long time. like 'bluer'

should i climb into bed? perhaps. shoudl I do work? definitely yes.

everyone these days seem to be cat people more than dog people... weird.. maybe californians are jsut cat people too. maybe there's a big correlation.

Better in Black and White?

My mittens are sitting next to me and i feel like i'll never have the occasion to wear them.

I like hearing stories of how my friends' lives are getting better- they make me more optimistic.

I've been in a truthful mood lately- straight and blunt. I don't know if it's doing me any good or what, but i can understand myself and lay out my morals and my thought processes better i think. I think it's helping my relationships with people too and making me less of a manipulative, stereotypical female.

some guy on the street sullied the word 'beautiful' today. it's okay... all good things will be misused. people's park intrigues me, and yet i'm afraid to explore it closer.. perhaps with a friend.

my desk is a black hole.

and my posts are really random. that's okay..

oh i found a church. KCPC in SF is pretty awesome- the pastor sermons a little differently but it's interesting. I fell like i can really grow there versus flounder and doubt and judge as I attend.

I'm finding that people back home mean a lot to me. people here are great and a good change. but people at home understand. it's like- getting rid of an old easy chair because it's tattered and just time for it to go , and then realising as you sit in the new one that you miss it.

Change is when you realise something's the same but different.- Delirium said something like that. Things are changing- bring on the rain, the fork in the road, the wise crone or any of your other imagery of rebirth and change and it goes smack dab over the present right now.